got no friends, very very lonely & wondering wtf is wrong with me

[staples]

When dp goes out to work and dd trots off to school I just want to weep. I spend all day every day alone (with baby) We moved and I don't know anyone. I tried, but it's hard with a bay in tow and miles from anyone. I've not kept in touch with people from university. I have no friends I am so unbelievably lonely. i am crap at making friends. Feel a real sense of panic at social gatherings now, eg went to parents social thing at dd school and everyone was in groups chatting. I don't know what to do. Just barge up & into a group. Hover by the cake and hope someone says hello. I was brave and went up and spoke to someone. Then someone else came up to talk to her, so then they were talking and ignored me. I felt like an idiot and just sort of shuffled off. I can't get a job cos of baby. I have whole weeks where I odn't peak to a single person except dp when he gets in (late) from work.

Now found out there are 3 parties this week in dd class, and she's not invited to any of them (2 of the birthday children were invited to dd birthday party, but she's not invited back) overheard 2 of the mums whispering about it and they shushed each other when they saw me. feel like howling.

staples - I'm another one who knows how you feel, we were new to this area 3 years ago, knew no one and everyone else seemed to have their families and groups of friends.

My advice is keep going to toddler groups, I know it is painful at first but if you keep going week after week it gets a lot easier and you become one of the faces. It can take months though but just keep going, go to 3 or 4 a week if you can and then pick the best ones. If you keep going then once other newbies start make sure you caht to them first, over time you will find you will start to arrange things out of toddler group.

I wish I were close by as well.

isn;t there a group of expat mums you can tap into?

Oh staples I really feel for you - your post took me back to when DS was a baby. I too lived abroad, and spoke the language but felt so isolated. I had friends from pre-DS but they were at work all day and weren't interested in me any more once I had DS. I had whole days where the most exciting thing to do was go to the supermarket and post office. However I forced myself out every single day and made sure DS got to go the park and run around (we lived in a flat in a capital city so very few green spaces). Eventually I met two lovely friends. Both foreign also (but not English-speaking) and also quite lonely - but they hadn't seemed it on the outside at all. Our kids weren't even the same ages but we just got chatting, would bump into each other at the park and it went from there. It was a life-saver. Please don't give up. Just set yourself little targets in terms of getting out of the house and you never know; things will improve.

Are there likely to be other MNers living where you do? If you're out in the country somewhere I agree it might be unlikely, but if you're in a capital/major city, you might be able to find other MNers to set up your own toddler group with?? From all the responses above, there are obviously loads of us feeling the same to some degree, so might be worth asking?? Just a thought...

This may be a long shot, nut is your dd at an English-speaking school? If so, might someone there have any ideas where expats might be hanging out?

Tsk. But not nut.

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Hi Staples

Oh I so know how you feel. I moved to Spain when I was 5 months pregnant and that was over 2 years now.

Unfortunately things have just got worse for me and my self-esteem and self-confidence are now at rock bottom. At first I tried all I could to make friends and get to know people but with little success. The fact that I go all day, every day without talking to another adult is just awful, I never thought I could be so lonely. I am PG again now and dreading what life will be like with a toddler and newborn.

Anyway there's no advice I can give you but just wanted you to know you're not the only one out there

bebespain, you sound so down kinda exactly the same as me. Congratulations on the baby.

I did try some expat stuff, but a we're so far out, nothing actually near me (about 1 hour journey) and with baby, it's just been more difficult than I ever imagined. I tried so hard the 1st few months, but never got anywhere. Just endless identical empty boring conversations, I'm crap at small talk. and like bebespain says, now my confidence and self esteem is chipped away to nothing.

Lots of you say keep going keep going, but a. don't know of a regular group (will try to find one) b. I feel so crap about myself - other people seem to land on their feet running and in 2 weeks have 10 mates for life, which makes me conclude there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm now dreading ever having to talk to another person.

Staples, this brought back memories of living in a village abroad and one day bursting into tears when dh asked me (during his lunchbreak at home) if I was going out to the playground with the 2 dc! Seems funny now but I hated it there and couldn't make friends with any of the locals.

What saved me was joining the nearest English club for mums and toddlers. I had to drive quite a long way there but it was worth it and it gave me a starting point, one day a week to look forward to iyswim and later a couple of the mums became friends and we would meet for other things. Do you drive? Try to find out if there is a group, if not you could try the local weekly paper and put an advert in looking for other British mums or families in the region.

Im in kent and if anyone lives near me say hi and be warned i can talk for england!!!

Staples I'm in Surrey or could do SW London. I'm also crap at small talk and am fat and boring but am happy to sit in companionable silence in a coffee shop until we think of something to say

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Gosh staples you could be me! We live about an hour from the city and although there is an expat Mum and baby group there the whole journey of getting there is just too mammoth for me at the moment.

Yes I know I should make an effort but it all seems too much. I have been a couple of times but it feels kind of alien and I just don't know what to say to people and then stand there wondering what I am doing. Yes I am probably me own worst enemy. In addition driving here terrifies me and when I do have to drive I feel myself breaking out in a cold sweat, then I wonder is it worth it? Ahhhhhh, I can't tell you how many times I have thought about just packing my bags...

Staples, I'm really new at MN. Pregnant with my first child and an expat here in the UK.

I totally understand what you're feeling. Don't ever think there's something wrong with you... some people are really outgoing and would be able to make friends with a tree! And some others are just more shy... Please don't let that make doubt yourself or bring your self-steem down.

I think Pitchounette might be right, maybe you could find something to do that is not baby-related or mum-related that would make you feel good and complete. A course might be a good idea, maybe a course in the language of the country you're in...

Whatever it is, just don't let yourself feel beaten. That will only make you sadder and think you cannot possibly do anything to change how you feel now.

Hope we all be able to help you a bit =)

Oops missed the bit about not being in the UK

staples i have just moved to dubai, i feel a little lost too. My dh goes to work and has a socail life already even in the few short weeks we have been here, i have home sickness and not even a baby to keep me company! (not saying that makes it easier) try an expat forum for your country? you never know there might just be another lady in your situation, and good luck x

I've got to some weitd point now where I can't be aresed to do anything. Dunno if it's cos of baby feeling stuck, or fed up of being at home or cos so lonely. Loads of people are saying to get out. I am technically out twice a day doing school run, but apart form that I'm just stuck in all by myself day after day, and even just stuck in I don't do anything. I don't read or do any hobbies or even the housework It all just feels like too much effort. I'm to demotivated to do anything. I nerly forced myself to go out today, but then I looked in the mirror and felt ashamed how bad I look today (not showered, hair a mess, horrrible clothes on), then baby tired again and wanting another nap, so now baby sleeping again and I can't go out anyway. Shocked it's so late and I haven't done anythiing, not even finished clearing away breakfast things. Just can't be bothered.

Do you feel like that too sometimes bebespain. I wonder how to snap out of this and get some bounce back. I got no bounce.

staples its 4pm here and im still in tracksuit bottoms and old t shirt...havent done a thing either! however we have two choices, either sink or swim so im going to swim! not litraly as it would mean moving to get on a swim suit but what im saying is that i have book a hair appointment and might venture into the mall for a window shop, who knows might even go to a makeup counter and get a free makeover. Once you feel better about yourself the other things will follow, can your dh have the babies while you have some you time?

same here staples. lolling on bed with laptop, naked baby and dressed like a jumble. do you exercise? it saved me when i was in similar situation

I agree with Barbie1, Staples.

If you feel so down about yourself,then things seem much harder... When we feel "ugly" or "scruffy" or "a mess", we have even less energy to do anything.

Can you arrange some "you" time? To pamper yourself? =)

Staples, I moved to Germany a few years ago, didn't speak the language, didn't know anyone and was really lonely. One day I found a message board for English speakers (it was www.toytowngermany.com - if you're in Munich or Berlin have a look) and it totally changed things for me. It was full of people in the same position and they had loads of meet-ups of various kinds. Could there be something of that sort near you?

google expat forum, they have them all around the world, in fact dh tells me we are out tonight with a few of them! oh shit best get out of the trackie bottoms!

staples what you describe is just how I feel. When we first came here I did try to get out and make friends but for the last couple of months I must admit I really can't be bothered any more, it causes me too much anxiety.

I do very little in the house all day and slob around in takkie bottoms. Just lately the weather has been very bad and I haven't even bothered to take DS out for a walk. (something I usually force myself to do)Being in the house all day looking at 4 walls really isn't healthy but not sure what else to do...If I'm honest I dread each day, DH works very long hours and is often at work til 9pm

Really agree with what Naat says

och, op, hope things get better for you soon xx