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Original poster

awkard situation... is it ok to exclude just one girl i dd's class from party on the grounds that...

77 replies

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:26

... she has a very unhealthy relationship with my dd.

dd has been very distressed by a girl in her class who's behaviour has been deemed by the school to be emotional bullying. dd sees her as a 'friend' but she is highly manipulative and is slowly chipping away at my dd's self esteem. (dd will be 7 next month, by the way.)

dd is soon to have a joint party with another girl in the class. the other mum and i had initially talked about inviting all the girls so no one feels left out.

however, after half term, the school is going to begin to tackle this friendship problem by separating the two girls at break time etc.

i just dont know what to do for the best. i really dont want dd to invite this girl, but i suspect that dd may want her to come. however, she has been at the root of much heartache for dd and i just dont want her to be there .

should i let dd invite her, on the grounds that it would bevery cruel to exclude just one girl? ( as there will be 30 children there, this girl wont be able to have her usual 'hold' over dd...)

any advice, please?

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 13/02/2009 13:27

yes you should invite her, you will be modelling something fantastic by doing so.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:32

ok laurie... but isnt that sending a mixed message to dd- one minute its 'stay away from her at playtime' and the next 'lets invite her to your party'...

OP posts:

Miyazaki · 13/02/2009 13:33

and she will be completely diluted by there being so many other children. You can make sure that she is not sat near your dd at tea. I would have thought that the fall out from not inviting her would be greater than a very managed exposure to her.

lilacclaire · 13/02/2009 13:34

It would be cruel to exclude the other girl for all sorts of reasons.

On a positive note, the other girl could have fun with the others without having to hone in on your dd (and you will be there to supervise), could be a learning curve for both girls that they can live without each other perhaps?

SammyK · 13/02/2009 13:34

Is the party before or after the school are going to tackle the issue by putting some space between them?

Does the other child whose party it also is have any issues with this girl?

Miyazaki · 13/02/2009 13:34

But she is going to be there all the time at school so it's a good way for her to practise the behaviour you want (staying away) in a very controlled environment (party) unlike a school playground. Plus it would, regardless of how difficult she is, be really mean (as you have said) to invite the WHOLE class and not her.

Iklboo · 13/02/2009 13:35

Explain to DD that while it's OK to invite her for a party where there's lots of people she should listen to school and stay away from the girl at break-times.Agree not inviting the girl could make things worse

abedelia · 13/02/2009 13:35

Invite her. Then you will meet her parents and either be able to talk to them about how they 'don't get on' or eye them up and realise why she behaves like she does!

2rebecca · 13/02/2009 13:36

I wouldn't invite her. Bad behaviour has consequences, this sort of thing is one of them. I'm not a fan of whole class parties for this reason.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:36

ok, one of the things she does to dd is make remarks about her clothes/ appearance (dd is gorgeous, btw, but not a stick thin blonde dressed in precocious mini teen fashions, like her 'friend'). so... the idea of having her at dd's party, scrutinising her outfit makes me fume...

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 13:37

This girl obviously has issues. Who knows what her home life is like? She obviously craves attention.

Can you imagine the whole class talking about the party and this girl realising that she's the only one not invited? I don't care what she's done, to do that to a child is downright cruel.

Why do you have to invite the whole class? Why not just invite those children who play with your dd? Or if you are insistent on inviting them all, I am presuming that you will be there with other adults supervising, so you can keep an eye on the situation and intervene if necessary.

There is a compromise here, but to leave this one girl out shouldn't even be an option.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:39

great, lots of sound advice. thanks. i should say, its not whole clas.. but it is all the girls and a few of the boys.

the girl we're having the party with is indifferent , and was recently upset that the girl in question missed her off her guest list at her party. ..did that make sense?

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 13/02/2009 13:41

sorry noonar. I can see where you're coming from as this kid has made life hard for your daughter. But I'm afraid that it's unbelievably cruel to leave out just one child under any circumstances, pretty much. The rule is that you invite everyone or an obviously smaller group.

SOLOveMeTenderLoveMeDo · 13/02/2009 13:43

I think it either says that the not very nice girl is putting the pressure on to be invited or that your Dd is absolutely fabulous and is seeing way beyond the whole bullying thing which is a very mature approach. OTOH, is your Dd afraid of any repercussions by not inviting this girl?

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:45

rhubarb, first my choice would be a smaller party without all the girls, but partly as its a joint party, its just sort of evolved into this.

i actually do have a lot of compassion for this girl and her family ( which is why i am agonising over this) but i also have a lot of compassion for my dd, who wakes up during the night crying, worrying about this girl. this is very emotional for us... which is why i asked for some advice and other perspectives.

OP posts:

taipo · 13/02/2009 13:45

I think it would be cruel to leave her out regardless of whether she invited the other girl or not.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:47

solo, she may absolutely be afraid of repercussions. she hardly plays with anyone else, for this very reason.

just to repeat, it is not whole class... about 2/3 of class.

OP posts:

SOLOveMeTenderLoveMeDo · 13/02/2009 13:52

This is so sad. I was bullied throughout my school life and it's just so unfair. Kids are very cruel at times, but you have to wonder why they are so cruel to individuals. It's often because someone is a bit different and as you say, your Dd doesn't dress in the same way as a lot of 7yo's and is not stick thin ~ sounds a lot like I was too and I spoke nicely...

Is this girl mean to anyone else?

Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 13:55

Have you spoken to this girl about the bullying? Or her parents?

fwiw, if this were my dd. I would first ring the parents and explain about the bullying, but also say how she is invited to the party as a gesture that your dd still accepts her as a friend. It also lessens the impact of the parents being told their dd is a bully if you are also inviting her to a party.

I would reassure your dd that she IS special and her birthday IS special and not to worry about this girl because it's no longer an issue.

I would take the girl to one side when she arrives and give her stark warnings - if she makes any child feel uncomfortable or if you think she is doing anything out of order, you will call her parents to come and pick her up.

She needs to be given a chance I think, but she also needs boundaries laying down. This would show your dd that she needn't be a problem and it will show this girl that your dd is a force to be reckoned with.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:55

actually, i've decided what i'm going to do.

i'm going to ask dd what she thinks we should do about inviting X. if she doesnt want to, i'm not going to force her to invite the girl who's bullying her to her party.

if X doesnt come, maybe we could reduce a the guest list, to make it less obvious.

if she wants her to come, i shall praise her kindness, but explain that i still do not think that the friendship is a helpful one.

thankyou for helpful comments

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 14:00

I still think you need to have a friendly word with both the girl and her parents. Just to let the girl know that you are aware of what she is up to and are keeping a close eye on her.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 14:00

rhubarb, i have spoken to her mum about it. i felt i had no choice as she was always coming up to us in the playground wanting to meet up, etc, and i found myself avoiding her. i needed to give her an explanation. i handled it as sensitively as i could. her mum is quite fragile.

i think i will, as i said, just give dd the choice, and try to manage the resulting situation sensitively.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 14:01

Oh dear, sounds like the mum is trying too hard to fit in and make friends and has perhaps passed that onto her child. Made her child feel that she needs to look, dress and act a certain way to be accepted and to be accepted means everything.

Poor poor child.

Original poster

noonar · 13/02/2009 14:06

poor child. indeed . i have a lot of compassion for her and her mum, as i said.

but equally, i have my dd sobbing, 'i feel like she's ruining my life'.

rhubarb, it can be really hard to take a completely impartial stance when your own child is suffering.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 14:13

Yes, I do understand that. But from where I stand, I work with those bullies. I know why they are bullies, I know about their home lives and their poor social skills, I also know that they are victims of bullying too.

There is no easy answer. I explain to my dd why bullies do what they do. I explain to her that whilst she is surrounded by love, some children are not so fortunate. That whilst she gets attention and praise and encouragement, others are ignored and are only made to feel important when they are beaten for doing something wrong.

Does your school not have a social skills group? It's something I've set up in our school because there are so many children without the basic social skills we take for granted, they are unable to make friends and don't understand why certain behaviour is inappropriate.

In your position I would do what you are doing, talk to your dd. She needs to learn how to handle this girl, because she will come across this problem again. Perhaps the two of you could go through appropriate actions and responses that might work. The only person who can truly eliminate the bullying is your dd, with your help.

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