Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

awkard situation... is it ok to exclude just one girl i dd's class from party on the grounds that...

77 replies

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:26

... she has a very unhealthy relationship with my dd.

dd has been very distressed by a girl in her class who's behaviour has been deemed by the school to be emotional bullying. dd sees her as a 'friend' but she is highly manipulative and is slowly chipping away at my dd's self esteem. (dd will be 7 next month, by the way.)

dd is soon to have a joint party with another girl in the class. the other mum and i had initially talked about inviting all the girls so no one feels left out.

however, after half term, the school is going to begin to tackle this friendship problem by separating the two girls at break time etc.

i just dont know what to do for the best. i really dont want dd to invite this girl, but i suspect that dd may want her to come. however, she has been at the root of much heartache for dd and i just dont want her to be there .

should i let dd invite her, on the grounds that it would bevery cruel to exclude just one girl? ( as there will be 30 children there, this girl wont be able to have her usual 'hold' over dd...)

any advice, please?

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 13/02/2009 14:14

solo, sorry, just seen your other post. i'm so sorry you had a tough time at school.

i dont think dd is going to be a target for bullies in general, tbh, as she seems quite popular. she has however, got herself locked into a very exclusive, damaging 'friendship'.

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 13/02/2009 14:18

rhubarb, i really do understand what you're saying, its just tough with dd being on the receiving end to 'do all the right things'.

when interviewed by the head of pastoral care (or whatever her proper title is) at school, dd told me that she said 'she knew that x had a hard life, but that she could be v unkind'... i tried to have impress upon dd the things that you have said.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 14:21

Hmm, I do think that here you have an opportunity to show your dd that this girl is nothing to be worried about. This girl will be in your territory, so she'll be nervous. Your dd will be surrounded by friends and people who love her. Chances are this could be a chance for your dd to see this girl in a different light, to see her as the victim she is, with no real power at all. It might actually be a good thing.

Hulababy · 13/02/2009 14:22

Difficult, but I really can't see how you can have a whole class party and just not invite one person. That is cruel and not on.

I think you have to talk to your DD about it all and take it from there.

Original poster
noonar · 13/02/2009 14:31

hula, my Op was badly worded. i can see that now its NOT a whole class party. most of the boys arent going...so about 20 out of 30 will be going. the other 10 are from ouside school.

thanks rhubarb.

OP posts:
Grammaticus · 13/02/2009 14:31

Good advice here I think - and do bear in mind that it's not JUST your DDs party, there is an option of describing her to DD as the guest of the other birthday girl (tenuous though an adult might feel the distinction to be).

Rhubarb - I agree with your advice and I don't mean to undermine it at all but you have just reminded me of a Not The Nine O'clock news sketch - "I work with those kids. I know about their home lives and their poor social skills. And the only way to proceed is to CHOP OFF THEIR GOOLIES". Are you old enough to remember that one?

Hulababy · 13/02/2009 14:32

But are all the girls being invited? I still thing it would be cruel to have just one girl not invited. It would be very obvious to everyone, esp the children, that this one girl wasn't invited.

Original poster
noonar · 13/02/2009 14:34

yes, hula, they are ( hence me agonising, hence this thread...)but i just wanted to clarify that point.

anyway,am gonna do the right thing. thanks folks...

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 13/02/2009 14:36

You absolutely cannot invite the whole class except the girl. That is just cruel. No matter how awful she has been, she is 7 yrs old. Just a little 'un. Imagine how she will feel?

CrushWithEyeliner · 13/02/2009 14:38

Do let us know the outcome - what a difficult situation - good luck

Rhubarb · 13/02/2009 14:40

Yes grammaticus I do! Good point actually, I might suggest it as our new tactic!

Original poster
noonar · 13/02/2009 14:41

Mrs m, tis not whole class!!!

am off now...thanks all.

OP posts:
immortalbeloved · 13/02/2009 14:42

Noonar, I think your idea of asking your dd and taking it from there is a good one

However, I personally wouldn't have invited her, as you say it's not the whole class and I am of the opinion that birthdays and partys are a really special time for children, why should their one day a year where it's all about them be clouded?

Hope the whole situation gets resolved well for your poor dd and the other little girl

troutpout · 13/02/2009 14:59

invite her please
specially if your dd wants her there as you say she does
she's just a little girl...she isn't the finished product

lou031205 · 13/02/2009 15:06

On another note, it could be a really good opportunity to redress the balance. The party honours your DD, so she is special. This girl will be able to see that she can have a nice time while being nice to your dd.

Fizzfiend · 13/02/2009 15:06

You absolutely MUST invite her. The school probably even has a policy about this stuff, I know ours does - you either invite a handful of children, or the whole class - you can't just leave a few, or one out.

As someone else said this girl will be diluted. I am inviting a not very pleasant girl to dd's party for the same reason. I tell dd that it would be cruel to leave someone out, but we also talk about the other girl's actions and how people are not going to want to be her friend if she continues being bossy/spiteful/pulling hair, etc. She feels comfortable that we are there, and all her real friends are there so there will be no issues at her party. GL, it's hard I know.

Grammaticus · 13/02/2009 15:13

Slice them through !!

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/02/2009 15:13

your poor dd, but she seems to want to be friends with this girl,so invite her to the party

esp if you are inviting ALL/EVERY girl in the class,but not all the boys

you can not,not invite just one girl

would it help to have a play date with just the2 of them, or would this make things worse?

is the other girl only behaving like a bully when with other girls, ie trying to be the big i am - iykwim

compo · 13/02/2009 15:13

'i'm going to ask dd what she thinks we should do about inviting X. if she doesnt want to, i'm not going to force her to invite the girl who's bullying her to her party.'

I think that is the best thing to do
as it's not the whole class if your dd doesn't want her there then I don't see how you can override her on that

compo · 13/02/2009 15:14

Fizzfiend - really? your school tells you what to do re. parties. wow!

sayithowitis · 13/02/2009 16:46

Sorry, but no way would a school ever dictate to me who would be invited to my child's birthday party! If they are paying and arranging it, fair enough, but since they are not, it is none of their business!
Personally I would not invite this child. Our DS! was the victim of a bully when he started school, in Reception. In year 1, Ds wanted a party. He wanted to invite everybody in the cass except this one child. We said no, he had to include the bully. Party was a great success for everyone else, but my DS hated it.He spent the whole time being worried that this boy would get at him, even though both DH, myself and several other adult family members were there. The bullying continued until, a few years later we had to involve the police! My son, now in his 20's, has NEVER wanted, or had, another b'day party since. Even when we offered him parties. How many 18 year old boys do you know who choose not to have the party their parents are offering? All because we insisted he invite someone to his 7th birthday. DS tells me that even now, he begrudges the fact that this child had the power to spoil his birthday for him. So, if I could go back, there is no way I would invite the child, however cruel or mean it may appear,because ultimately, my responsibility is to MY child, not somebody else's.

2rebecca · 13/02/2009 16:52

I agree, I've never heard of a school dictating birthday party protocol, completely inappropriate. My son had a whole class party age 5. One boy was a total hooror. If my son had wanted the whole class the next year this boy would not have had an invite. Yes it may be seen as cruel, but his bahaviour to our son, us and the other kids was unpleasant.
Birthday parties should be fun, not an occasion for fearing being abused.

sadminster · 13/02/2009 17:08

Schools that dictate who you can invite to your children's parties? Madness! No way I would accept that.

I've seen this sort of relationship up close - my 6yo sister's self worth was absolutely destroyed by her 'friend' who tried to control her to the extent that she wasn't allowed to talk to other girls, let alone play with them at breaks. She tried to force my sister to have her haircut into the same style she had, wear the same clothes etc. After two years of trying to deal with it (and being the bad guys because this poor little girl had problems) my parents eventually moved her to another school where she has blossomed into a happy, confident, sociable child.

No-one should have to put up with the misery that she did just to be 'nice' - don't let it escalate, do everything you can to put some distance between them, build up your dd's confidence & allow her the space to form healthier friendships.

sadminster · 13/02/2009 17:09

Exactly, as an adult I wouldn't invite people who abused me or I disliked to a party WTF should children be forced to? I think it sends a very damaging message.

motherlovebone · 13/02/2009 17:37

i agree