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Original poster

awkard situation... is it ok to exclude just one girl i dd's class from party on the grounds that...

77 replies

noonar · 13/02/2009 13:26

... she has a very unhealthy relationship with my dd.

dd has been very distressed by a girl in her class who's behaviour has been deemed by the school to be emotional bullying. dd sees her as a 'friend' but she is highly manipulative and is slowly chipping away at my dd's self esteem. (dd will be 7 next month, by the way.)

dd is soon to have a joint party with another girl in the class. the other mum and i had initially talked about inviting all the girls so no one feels left out.

however, after half term, the school is going to begin to tackle this friendship problem by separating the two girls at break time etc.

i just dont know what to do for the best. i really dont want dd to invite this girl, but i suspect that dd may want her to come. however, she has been at the root of much heartache for dd and i just dont want her to be there .

should i let dd invite her, on the grounds that it would bevery cruel to exclude just one girl? ( as there will be 30 children there, this girl wont be able to have her usual 'hold' over dd...)

any advice, please?

OP posts:
CrushWithEyeliner · 13/02/2009 17:42

Girls can really fuck each other up can't they? They can get really controlling and spiteful all the while keeping "friends" with who they are punishing.

Not all bullys come from awful homes, mine didn't at all.

beanie35 · 13/02/2009 19:37

Invite the child, but have an adult keeping a constant eye on her.

clarabell16 · 13/02/2009 20:06

Hmmm i think not inviting her is best course of action. Your dd isnt going to feel uncomfortable at her own party, and your not going to be on pins for any bullying. If this was my own child i really would not care about some bullys feelings being hurt, if my dd was suffering. Maybe it will be upsetting for the other child, but your own child and her feelings takes priority. Also i have to agree that crap behaviour has consequences and this will surely demonstrate it, instead of being rewarded by letting her come to party. Plus your not giving out mixed signals, - kept apart in school, but invited to party, confusing to 7 year olds. best of luckxx

clarabell16 · 13/02/2009 20:10

sorry, it meant to read - your going to be on pins for signs of any bullying.

wasaconventgirl · 13/02/2009 20:45

It would be very cruel to leave one child out - they are 6/7, small children.

I also think that it is very unlikely that the situation is one sided. Parents need to be open to the fact that most of the time it takes two to tango.

pollykettlechips · 13/02/2009 20:47

My mum excluded one girl from my (only) party at primary school. I do remember feeling bad, but this girl was a bully - i got it bad but so did other girls.

THsi was 25 years ago when we were less child-centric, i don;t think my mum gave a stuff if it was fair or how the other girl felt, just that this girl wasn't nice and upset me often so she wasn't coming to my party.

FWIW, i don;t think it bothered her at all, i don;t rememeber any extra bullying as a result, and as we all got older, her behaviour was less domineering, though we were never friends. [and was probably tame comapared to the bullying that goes on today]

I think you do what is right for your daughter - she comes first, not the other girls feelings. It might be a harsh lesson, but i doubt it will damage her for life.

corblimeymadam · 13/02/2009 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thederkinsdame · 13/02/2009 20:56

If the other girl's mum is fragile (I take it you mean she is experiencing difficulties of her own) then undoubtedly the girl is taking out her own unhappiness on your DD because she sees that she has a happy, stable family and she is jealous.

FWIW, I think if you don't invite this child and she is the only girl left out she will be upset and take it out on your daughter after the party - i.e. it could make the situation worse.

Invite her, keep a close eye on her, and if she puts so much as a toe out of line, tell her she is going home.

macdoodle · 13/02/2009 21:17

Just to clarify we are talking about a 7 year old girl right - not the devil incarnate no??
Ok just checking ......this thread leaves a horrid taste in my mouth - funnily almost like a little girl being bullied by a group of adults who only have one side of the story and is not here to defend herself - nice lovely FWIW I think you should all be ashamed of yourselves

menolike · 13/02/2009 21:21

I agree with macdoodle.

sayithowitis · 13/02/2009 23:19

Yes Macdoodle, I am ashamed of myself - for not making my child's wishes regarding hi birthday party paramount and believing like so many on here that it would be unkind not to invite the little shit boy who made his life a misery for so long. In our case the physical bullying was so bad from this child that when he was 10 I had to involve the police who took it seriously enough to pay him and his parents a visit. Our son didn't have a single day between the ages of 5 and 10 years old when he didn't come home with yet another bruise. When the police spoke to the child and parents do you know what they said? If only my son had cried when their child had first kicked him, he wouldn't have felt a need to keep doing it to see what it would take to make him cry. It had and in some ways continues to have, a devastating effect on DS's life. Trust me, not inviting a child to a party in these circumstances is not bullying and I refuse to feel ashamed for saying that if I had my time again I would have taken that course of action on my DS's behalf.

macdoodle · 14/02/2009 00:03

nice self absorbed hijack - comment was directed at OP which is entirely different situation IMO

kylesmyloveheart · 14/02/2009 00:22

sayit - thats terrible. did you not have the chance to move him as it went on for so long. not sure i would send ds 7 to school for 5 days nevermind 5 years with that going on.

sayithowitis · 14/02/2009 12:20

Just to clarify we are talking about a 7 year old girl right - not the devil incarnate no??
Ok just checking ......this thread leaves a horrid taste in my mouth - funnily almost like a little girl being bullied by a group of adults who only have one side of the story and is not here to defend herself - nice lovely FWIW I think you should all be ashamed of yourselves

Macdoodle, your comment was addressed to everyone, not just OP. I have no intention of hijacking a thread, just putting a pov that is different to so many on here and feeling that some background was needed to explain why I hold that pov.

Kyle, sadly, no, there were no other schools within walking distance and at that time I did not drive. School genuinely tried their best, including fixed term exclusions, but their hands are tied as to how far they can go, especially with primary age kids. In any case, DS1, when given the opportunity of staying at home to recover after some of the worst incidents, said 'if I stay at home he's won and I'm not going to let him think he's won'.

Anyway, I won't say anymore as I do not want to be accused of hijacking threads when all I'm doing is putting a pov opposite to the majority of posters!

iMum · 14/02/2009 12:22

I wouldnt invite her, ds had a party recently and we invited all the boys bar one as ds and this one boy really dislike each other.

Its a no brainer for me.

prettyfly1 · 14/02/2009 13:12

ouch. Such a difficult one. I can understand if she is mean to your daughter that you are concerned but she is already an unhappy and lonely child - isolating her further could very easily serve to push this little girl into an angry and resentful child willing to lash at anyone. If she is already jealous then this wont help. I am inclined to agree with Macdoodle. She is a little girl. Your daughter may be being bullied, which is horrid but she has loving, stable parents a supportive family, the resources to even have a big party which many children are not lucky enough to have, kind friends and is generally in a far better place then the little girl you are talking about. Would it be so awful to extend the hand of kindness to her and keep a close eye?

And fwiw - I was badly bullied all through school until i was fourteen. I was very english in a tiny scottish village, precocious, and different and my family were super broke so i looked a little different. It was very painful at the time but as an adult I am confident, have a great job, friends and a loving family. It isnt the be all and end all, particularly at primary school and the police were called out with me. I certainly am not still hanging onto youthful experiences at 26 years of age and would never dream of blaming my parents for inviting someone i didnt like at seven. I think whilst that story is very sad, it is perhaps a very extreme example of the consequences of bullying. Nine times out of ten supportive and caring parents, who take control of the situation - as you have in seperating them- will redress the balance.

wasaconventgirl · 14/02/2009 13:24

I can not believe how mean some of you are.

prettyfly1 · 14/02/2009 13:26

which side you going for was a conventgirl -t he fors or againsts. Just so we know

hermionegrangerat34 · 14/02/2009 13:32

I'd have thought the fact that she didn't invite the other (joint) party-thrower to her party would be a perfectly valid excuse not to invite her to this one, should you need an excuse. The party is for these two girls, they invite their friends that they want to celebrate with. They aren't inviting all the boys, and why shoudl gender be such a big deal? They are inviting 19/20 out of a class of 30 - the ones they want to play with at their party. Fine.

comparethePeachydotcom · 14/02/2009 13:34

There's somuch I would like to say but can't for fearof being slated so willkeep it toeither invite girl or reduce party so not all girls there (allgirls is wholeclass in effect at 7)

and for thosenot as sensitive as op who is after llkindly enough to worry about itif you think the uninvited kid wont know or care you are deluded

wasaconventgirl · 14/02/2009 14:14

The side of the poor left out child.

Coldtits · 14/02/2009 14:21

It would be horrendous to exclue a 6 year old from a class party. When they are older, and more in control of their behavior, then they can be held accountable, but she is too young to learn anything from exclusion and besides, adults will be there, right? You can MODEL best practice to all the children.

prettyfly1 · 14/02/2009 14:27

me too wasaconventgirl and I was bullied. So much so that i would never see any child of this age allowed to be made to feel isolated like that. As adults you should be able to control the situation. My understanding is that there is no physical violence at this point??

Bucharest · 14/02/2009 14:33

I feel sorry for you, but I think you should still invite her.

Dd has an absolute animal of a boy in her class who beats every child up he comes into contact with. My daughter is fairly scared of him.....but it never crossed my mind not to invite him, because at the end of the day, he is still a child himself who wouldn't have understood why he hadn't been.

I realise these situations are all different....bullying is a horrid horrid thing (I used to hide under my desk in primary school to keep away from the girl who lived near me and told the teacher my Mum had asked her to look after me)

edam · 14/02/2009 15:22

It would be a bit petty to leave out one girl from a whole class. But does she usually invite your dd to her parties (if she has them)? Only you say she didn't invite the other party host... if she's left both girls off the invite lists to her parties it would possibly be reasonable but again, bit petty if she's the ONLY one excluded.

I like the suggestions about a chat with her parents, if possible, or taking her aside and telling her firmly that everyone is to play NICELY or their parents will be asked to come and collect.

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