Am so angry with my parents today (again)

[TheArmadillo]

sorry I know it's me whinging again but I am furious with my parents today.

Firstly ds was going over there because they like to have him one day a week to spend time with him. This is the only reason they seem to be in contact with me since I moved (I moved to remove myself from their control - only approx 5 miles but you'd think it was the other side of the world).

So they phone this morning to check still on and ask how my car is (it broke down a couple of weeks ago) and whether I have had it fixed. I say no cos I can't afford it and we are thinking of getting rid of it. I get told I am not allowed (wtf?) to sell it. And why do I keep doing this and I will only be asking them for money for a new car in a few months time (I have never asked them for money for a car, they bought this one for me as my last one broke and they went out and bought me one they would as in their opinion I couldn't be without one - I felt I had little say in the matter). I wasn't allowed to explain why I wanted to get rid of it just told I wouldn't be.

Then when my dad turned up to collect ds he told me they would ask around and see if it was a good idea and whether they would let me sell it. Problem is they insisted on keeping all the paperwork, so although I have a logbook I have none of the history paperwork which obv makes it more difficult to sell. And we genuinely can't afford to repair it adn we don't use it now we've moved so it seems pointless paying out for all the insurance etc.

Then they phoned later, and after telling me that they had bathed ds (because when was they last time I did it? - erm last night actually) that dad couldn't bring him home but my sister would.

2 hours later I phone to see why he isn't back and they say apparently despite her satnav she couldn't find my house, and drove round for 90mins before giving up and going home. She had her mobile but at no point phoned me to ask me to direct her. She was going to give him food (as he had been in car so long apparently) and then bring him back.

Then an hour or so later they phone to say they are not returning him tonight it will be tomorrow.

Am mightly suspicous of my sister's story. I don't think she is telling the full truth.
a) I know several people who have used the same make of sat nav to find our house with no problem
b) our house is easy to find anyways even if you don't know the area
c) why didn't she phone me and ask me directions from where she was? She said it was because she didn't have my landline number, but she had my mobile or she could have called my mum to get it off her.

On top of this dp was suspended from work (luckily on full pay) yesterday.

I worried I am being punished for moving. I am also worried about what will happen if they refuse to return ds tomorrow - though a friend has offered to go get him if they do. They claim I am an appalling mother (my parents, not friend) and I am worried they are planning something.

I want to scream.

Armadillo, I read this earlier today but unable to comment.

I'm really glad your DS is back safe, you must be relieved.

Glad it's all okay, please be very careful about getting yourself off the mortgage - really I wouldn't trust them to do it!

Please remember that your ds has your partners parents - they can live quite happily with only one set of gps.

Also not lecturing but please, please, PLEASE do not leave your DS alone with your family again! They sound capable of all sorts.

Thanks for letting us know. Hope you can now move forward and put more distance between your immediate family and your parents. I'm with CarGirl and Janos on not trusting them to have any further influence on your son or your mortgage situation. I'd move to cut all ties from now on if this were me. x

Armadillo,

I think for people who don't know how it feels to go through what you're going through may feel that your behaviour and reactions seem passive. I do believe that your parents have conditioned you not to feel the anger that is rightly yours. It would have been quite acceptable to go around to their house and bang on the door, police in tow, until they were forced to give back your son. I think you should see that any upset caused to your son would have been a direct result of THEIR actions, not of yours. You have no obligation to protect THEM from the consequences of their actions.
So for fear of sounding all American phsych, II think you need t get in touch with your anger. Their behaviour is absolutely disgraceful, but I feel that if you admit this to yourself you will open a floodgate. So you accept everything they throw at you.
But I believe that the stress you must be under will not just dissappear. If you don't direct it at your parents it will manifest in other ways. You may find you get colds more easily or other health problems. I had Irritable bowel syndrome for most of my teens and early twenties. Guess what happened when I cut my mother out of my life?! It completely dissappeared. CLeared up. Also there is the strain on your relationships with your husband and DS. It is inevitable that your family will somehow feel your stress. This is what is not fair on your DS, not whether you stand up to your parents.
In my case, I know I cannot raise my daughter the way I wish to if my parents are in my life. I REFUSE to be a depressed, stressed out mother in order to play into the image that my parents have of me- that I am not a fully-formed adult human being. That I am somehow faulty. Like yours are trying to say when they act as though you "need" them.

I read that you moved 5 miles away and I think this was a fantastic first step in breaking away from their influence. BUt truly, it is not enough.
I completely understand how hard the whole thing is. STanding up to my mother is the hardsest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Childbirth without drugs was easy peasy compared to the bouts of complete mental torture my mother inflicted on me as I was trying to set some boundaries.
DOn'T get me wrong, it will probably be hell on earth to break away from them, but as someone who as been through it, I can tell you it is worth it in the end.

SOmebody else here said something I believe strongly: that anyone who cares about a child will treat its mother with love and consideration. The mother is the basis of any child's well-being.
So, whether you think its worth cutting your parents out of your life depends on what you want from your life. If you hope to have a peaceful, event-free existence with more joy and laughter then breaking away from them completely is the best way to achieve this.

I've been watching this thread, and I'm glad that TheArmadillo's ds is back safe. There's been a lot of good advice on this thread from people who clearly know more than I do.

I hope that things go well for you now, TA - you clearly deserve it.

Thanks for all the kind messages. Ds is fine and as far as he is concerned just had a sleepover at gps which is what I intended. However from now contact will be limited and always supervised by either me or dp.

I am sorting out counselling at moment cos it has proved I ain't as sorted as I thought I ws so hopefully that will help.

Desi that sounds great - I can do tuesday.

Apart from that I am reading through and digesting the messages.

Sorry last night was busy with spending time with ds and other stuff so didn't get chance to get back on and read.

Actually I think you have dealt with it very well and I'm glad your DS is OK

I thought sakuras post was excellent.