Am so angry with my parents today (again)

[TheArmadillo]

sorry I know it's me whinging again but I am furious with my parents today.

Firstly ds was going over there because they like to have him one day a week to spend time with him. This is the only reason they seem to be in contact with me since I moved (I moved to remove myself from their control - only approx 5 miles but you'd think it was the other side of the world).

So they phone this morning to check still on and ask how my car is (it broke down a couple of weeks ago) and whether I have had it fixed. I say no cos I can't afford it and we are thinking of getting rid of it. I get told I am not allowed (wtf?) to sell it. And why do I keep doing this and I will only be asking them for money for a new car in a few months time (I have never asked them for money for a car, they bought this one for me as my last one broke and they went out and bought me one they would as in their opinion I couldn't be without one - I felt I had little say in the matter). I wasn't allowed to explain why I wanted to get rid of it just told I wouldn't be.

Then when my dad turned up to collect ds he told me they would ask around and see if it was a good idea and whether they would let me sell it. Problem is they insisted on keeping all the paperwork, so although I have a logbook I have none of the history paperwork which obv makes it more difficult to sell. And we genuinely can't afford to repair it adn we don't use it now we've moved so it seems pointless paying out for all the insurance etc.

Then they phoned later, and after telling me that they had bathed ds (because when was they last time I did it? - erm last night actually) that dad couldn't bring him home but my sister would.

2 hours later I phone to see why he isn't back and they say apparently despite her satnav she couldn't find my house, and drove round for 90mins before giving up and going home. She had her mobile but at no point phoned me to ask me to direct her. She was going to give him food (as he had been in car so long apparently) and then bring him back.

Then an hour or so later they phone to say they are not returning him tonight it will be tomorrow.

Am mightly suspicous of my sister's story. I don't think she is telling the full truth.
a) I know several people who have used the same make of sat nav to find our house with no problem
b) our house is easy to find anyways even if you don't know the area
c) why didn't she phone me and ask me directions from where she was? She said it was because she didn't have my landline number, but she had my mobile or she could have called my mum to get it off her.

On top of this dp was suspended from work (luckily on full pay) yesterday.

I worried I am being punished for moving. I am also worried about what will happen if they refuse to return ds tomorrow - though a friend has offered to go get him if they do. They claim I am an appalling mother (my parents, not friend) and I am worried they are planning something.

I want to scream.

Haribo, in your own way, I think you are trying to be helpful to the OP, but hectoring someone who reminds you of your 'old self' is maybe not what she needs at the moment. She is worried about her son tonight and FWIW I think allowing this to continue will place him at their mercy when he's older, but she can think about that when she has him back safe tomorrow.
Dittany, I think you are doing a fantastic job, reframing the abuse these parents are meeting out in just the right terms for the OP to think about.
Sorry for referring to you in 3rd person Armadillo, I hope you have gone to rest and build up your strength for tomorrow.

The Armadillo,

What the bloody hell are your parents playing at; this is now becoming a generational problem too. They will use him your son to get back at you for the "sins" against them you committed.

Re your comment:-

"I know they have won in a way but I don't care as long as ds isn't upset and I will be taking steps to not let it happen again.

I hope you can take steps because your parents are abusive and will control you for the rest of your days if you let them. They will never fully relinquish control; infact I would argue that the only way here and now is to stop all contact with them and your sister who is also complicit in their games. Such problems often become generational in nature as well, your son will be profoundly affected by them as you have if you do not take some of the power back. I am afraid that your son is also now being used by them to get back at you. They have all the power and control ultimately - this is what this is all about and they (your parents) actually don't care who they hurt in the process. You, your partner, your son; its all immaterial to them.

I think counselling for your own self would be an excellent idea but you wil need to go on your own. You cannot and should not get your parents involved.

If you haven't done so already I strongly suggest you read a copy of "If you had controlling parents" written by Dan Neuharth. You need to reclaim back your own life.

Keep posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread too.

My guess is as well you have felt a mixture of all the following too:-

Ten Signs Your Parents May Still Control You

Even today as an adult, you...

1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

1. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

1. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

1. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

1. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

1. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

1. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

1. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

1. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

TA

You've been conditioned by them to accept all this as well; the overt control by them I daresay has been going on all your life, let alone in your adulthood.

They control every aspect of your life (the car, the money, your son not being returned by them to name only but three ways) - you did very well to move five miles away from them. Bet they did not like that at all!.

Physical distance is one thing; you now need to completely emotionally distance yourself from them too. I hope you do find a counsellor soon. DO not forget thought that counsellors are like shoes, you need to find one that fits.

Armadillo, hope all goes well this morning and ds is returned with out any upset.

I really would be careful about his continuing relationship with your parents though. I understand he adores them, but how long will it be before the power games are used on him instead of you? Especially as you have fought so hard to distance yourself.

Please don't put him that postion!

And I still would be really difficult about the paperwork. (Though I appreciate you probably want to get it sorted and get on with your life)

Hope you get your Ds back ok today. I for one would be seriously cutting back on Ds contact with them in future. Do it now whilt he is young enough. In a few years time it will be harder to cut ties than it is now.

Look at this way. If you HAD to move 300 miles away for DPs job, you would HAVE to go and the contact GPs have would not be as it is now. It happens to lots of kids all the time. It happend to mine who have a fab relationship with their GPs but now our circumstances mean they only see them a few times a year. The kids got over it and accepted it. I know you have not moved that far away but what I am trying to do, is give you away to get your head around dealing with distancing your DS from them, if that is what you want to do!

Good luck with whatever you decide and enjot a big hu with DS when you get him back!

I think Armadillo is in work today so is relying on them dropping her son back to her husband while she is at work, that's how I read it.

Just wondered - are they saying you can't sell the car because they bought it? Perhaps it might be an idea to tell them to take the car away and do whatever they want with it. Is the paperwork in your name or their name?

If it's in theirs then they presumably are responsible for taxing it and so you could leave it outside their house to do with what they want?

you are doing all the right things. hope they lay off you armadillo, because you really deserve better.

Armadillo, just checking in to say I hope your son came home safely this morning without incident. Thinking of you.

FWIW I think you did exactly the right thing by leaving your DS with them overnight. You are completely right to not want him upset. I hope he got back ok this morning.

With regard to the future - children often adore GPs when they are little but gradually distance themselves as they get older. I see it with my nephew. He is 10 now and there is a completely different relationship now with him and my parents than when he was 4/5/6/7. Nothing bad. He has just grown away from them a little. Remember that and use it to your advantage. Yes your DS adores them now but that will become less intense as he gets older.

Hello, I have read this and just have a thought... do you think they kept your DS to show you how you DO need the car. ie. if you had one you could go and get him. (sorry if someone else has said this already). They could be trying to control you by getting you do to what they want (ie. not sell the car) by behaving like this. Absolutly atrocious behaviour and I would not be letting them see your DS again if I was you.
Good luck!

I can't believe this. I also don't understand the distances. In 1 posting your son is a 5 minute car trip (which would be 5 min taxi ride) away and ther next it is several hours by bus. I would have told my parents if they refused to return my son that they would never get him unsupervised again unless they returned him immediately and would have got a taxi if they refused.
If they have the car paerwork it sounds as though they have loaned you the car rather than given it to you in whioch case you would have the reg documents. In that case it is innappropriate for you to sell the car as it isn't yours to sell. I'd give it back to them and sort out a car of your own. I would definitely not let them see your son unsupervised for several months until they have shown they can be bothered to learn the route to your house and bring him back on time.
They sound awful and not good people to leave a child with.

What happened?

5 miles is about 5 minutes drive where I live. To me a 5 mile drive is nothing, depends where you live I suppose but if my son was only 5 miles away I'd be in a taxi or get a neighbour to take me to collect him rather than him not come home.

City center is 5 miles from where I live. In the car it would take anything from 10 min- 40 mins depending on traffic. Done it by bus once (never again). It took an hour and a half, and that was on a quiet sun morning.

TA, Lurked on this last night. Hope you and ds are ok.

It's villages and towns and fast roads round here. I think I'd be hard pressed to take more than 15 minutes to get to anywhere within a 5 mile radius.
It seems a fairly insignificant distance to me. I'd taxi or ask for a lift rather than get a bus if carrying a sleepy child. If her dad picked him up though I'm surprised that when her mum got back the kid's grandad din't just take the child home as he knew where he was going. Deciding not to bother for a 5 mile journey just seems bizarre. If it was 45 miles I could understand.

I haven't read responses, but just to let you know he is back fine.