Am so angry with my parents today (again)

[TheArmadillo]

sorry I know it's me whinging again but I am furious with my parents today.

Firstly ds was going over there because they like to have him one day a week to spend time with him. This is the only reason they seem to be in contact with me since I moved (I moved to remove myself from their control - only approx 5 miles but you'd think it was the other side of the world).

So they phone this morning to check still on and ask how my car is (it broke down a couple of weeks ago) and whether I have had it fixed. I say no cos I can't afford it and we are thinking of getting rid of it. I get told I am not allowed (wtf?) to sell it. And why do I keep doing this and I will only be asking them for money for a new car in a few months time (I have never asked them for money for a car, they bought this one for me as my last one broke and they went out and bought me one they would as in their opinion I couldn't be without one - I felt I had little say in the matter). I wasn't allowed to explain why I wanted to get rid of it just told I wouldn't be.

Then when my dad turned up to collect ds he told me they would ask around and see if it was a good idea and whether they would let me sell it. Problem is they insisted on keeping all the paperwork, so although I have a logbook I have none of the history paperwork which obv makes it more difficult to sell. And we genuinely can't afford to repair it adn we don't use it now we've moved so it seems pointless paying out for all the insurance etc.

Then they phoned later, and after telling me that they had bathed ds (because when was they last time I did it? - erm last night actually) that dad couldn't bring him home but my sister would.

2 hours later I phone to see why he isn't back and they say apparently despite her satnav she couldn't find my house, and drove round for 90mins before giving up and going home. She had her mobile but at no point phoned me to ask me to direct her. She was going to give him food (as he had been in car so long apparently) and then bring him back.

Then an hour or so later they phone to say they are not returning him tonight it will be tomorrow.

Am mightly suspicous of my sister's story. I don't think she is telling the full truth.
a) I know several people who have used the same make of sat nav to find our house with no problem
b) our house is easy to find anyways even if you don't know the area
c) why didn't she phone me and ask me directions from where she was? She said it was because she didn't have my landline number, but she had my mobile or she could have called my mum to get it off her.

On top of this dp was suspended from work (luckily on full pay) yesterday.

I worried I am being punished for moving. I am also worried about what will happen if they refuse to return ds tomorrow - though a friend has offered to go get him if they do. They claim I am an appalling mother (my parents, not friend) and I am worried they are planning something.

I want to scream.

counselling can help you move away from 'abusers' - to help you make a decision if that is what you decide to do - you can do it with the parents in the room, or on your own. It can also help you find practical ways of managing your contact with them - to work out what you are comfortable with, and what not

i just think this stuff can really eat away at someone and it can help to talk to someone objective and hopefully tactful

in my opinion there needs to be a complete break in finances - i dont know armadillos history, but until there is a break things are going to stay emotional and nasty

That's not a very kind observation to make, haribo.

I am more relaxed than most I suppose because I am used to this kind of thing.

Also I now know they will return him as I know they need this stuff I've got for tomorrow and if not they will take a big financial hit, and nothing on earth will cause them to do that.

Also they do love ds and although will punish me they will not let anything bad happen to him.

Also I would always get him back eventually with police power if necessary. But the threat of it would mean I would get him back as they would never want their neighbours/the world to find out.

This hurts me and not ds - they hurt me constantly it just piles on top of the rest of it. If they hurt him I don't know what I would do.

Thanks for all this btw

Sorry, Hecate, but it's what is feels like to me.

its you we are worried about too - and you are important! you shouldnt have to feel that they can get at you, and thats sort of ok as long as its not directed at your son

its not ok - its making you unhappy - that can affect your health and how you raise your child

Sorry, but why the F**K would you allow yourself to be manipulated in this way?

They will return him or take a big financial hit????? REALLY???

Even if your DS is happy with them, you are not, so why put up with it?

Seems odd to me.

You sound scared of them which I can relate to ,I really hope you are ok and sort this out .

thanks haribo

I am trying to explain why nothing terrible will happen cos they won't take a financial hit adn answering questions.

If he was in imminent danger nothing would stop me getting him.

He's not adn to prevent him getting hurt I won't do it tonight. I have now got a promise to bring him back in the morning. Otherwise I will go get him tomorrow.

I can take the hurt, he can't. Therefore I do it this way and it should all be resolved without him having a clue. Or would you rather I go over shouting and screaming, snatch him back and make him scared and worried over what the hell is going on. Then take him on several buses for a couple of hours just to make sure he is completely exhausted as well as hysterical. He's 4. There is no way he needs to have all this in his face.

havnig moved he is happier and more relaxed than he has been in a while and that is how it stays. I will give up anything to make sure he is happy. Whether that means letting my parents point score or not.

Well it doesn't to me. TA has explicitly said that she isn't going over there purely because she doesn't want her ds to get upset. Are you aware of her previous history with her parents, HM? The reason that she is mentioning money is because they use money to control her in an abusive way.

OK, I'm going to be really blunt here: You can take whatever pressure you feel from your parnts (and whatever financial assistance they provide) and you don't want that to stop.

So, you let them get away with whatever, as long as you feel it's OK. But, what you are actually doing is giving them the signal that you are powerless and they are controlling (which they are)

It will go on and on. You won't stop it. Until it's too late and you aren't able to.

yourself.

I would be on a bus or in a taxi to go and get him.

Your tone is really unpleasant haribo. Perhaps it sounds blunt to you, but in fact it's just hectoring and unkind.

I won't let them take him again.

Am going now.

Thanks for the messages.

Whatever, OneBatMother. I've dealt with very similar parents. There is no other way - other than directly and bluntly - to get to the point. I've not been unpleasant at all, just matter of fact... the word isn't coated in candy,
TA - I hope you get your son back and stop giving him to people who treat you badly.

Please remember than anyone who loves a child will automatically care for that child's mother.

Haribo what you said was true a couple of months ago.

I have now moved and the only thing I have left to do is legally disintangle myself from the house I jointly own with them (which is being sorted).

They can have the fucking car if they don't want me to sell it.

Anything else is all mine and dp's. Everything else we pay for.

I appreciate that you don't know all the history here and that I have spent the last few months getting out of this.

After tonight ds won't be seeing my parents unless it is supervised and on my terms.

But I am going now.

To be fair, why should Haribo know the history of a poster on Mumsnet?

no I know there is no reason for her to.

TheArmadillo

If I sounded tough, it's only cos I've been there. I have parents who control through money.

Yes, give them the car. Don't take another penny from them (and let them know why if they ask... don't be afraid of saying 'I don't want the consequences of taking this money')

Make them realise that YOU control what happens to your child not them. (esp. not through mind games about finding your house).

I do appreciate how it feels, but it can be better.

You're doing the right thing by leaving him there, 'dillo.

Are you and ds doing anything next Tuesday lunchtime?

They're the same age. Maybe we could meet up in the centre, and have something to eat and have a chat?

Oh, Dittany. climb off the molehill you are on.

She, at some point, accepted financial help from her parents, which they are now using as a weapon. At some point, that was a choice.

We are ADULTS here, yes?