Asked DH for a Separation, baby due in 2 months, not sure I can cope.

[BadhusbandsWife]

This all started with this thread here by BADHUSBAND

In summary DH has been depressed for about a year and a half, came on MN to ask how he could make up for his bad treatment of me during this time and got some valuable suggestions. He showed me the thread, made lots more promises, and then promptly forgot all of them and did nothing. I added an update at the end of the thread.

So last night we talked and I calmly explained that we were trapped in this cycle of "he does something hurtful"-"I forgive him"-"he does it again" over and over ad infinitum. The problem is that we can't move forwards without me forgiving him and my forgiving him enables him to keep doing whatever he feels like. It's a Catch 22.

Now I am depressed. For the past year I have been constantly giving of myself to support dh, and he cannot be there for me. He told me last night that the reason he avoids me and spends no time with me is because I am not pleasant to be around at the moment. Which is true, I am no fun, I am prickly and short-tempered, and I make him feel bad by crying.

In an ideal world he would now be returning the favour and looking after me. But this is not an ideal world and he finds it too difficult.

I knew he was avoiding me, but to hear him tell me it's a conscious decision was hard.

Extra info - 2 dc already, baby due in 2 months, dh works, I am housebound with SPD, I have history of depression, he had never been depressed before this is now on ADs and seeing a counsellor once a fortnight and has recently been diagnosed as Passive Aggressive as well.

I'm off to the GP this afternoon to try and get counselling for me.

My plan is for DH to move out for a few months to work out what he wants and make the behavioural changes he needs to, while going to relate every week or two to keep communication open.

I so wanted this all to be better before the baby comes, but I don't think that's going to happen, he has been promising change for 9 months now and things are still the same.

Please, any advice, support, shared experience etc. welcome. Not sure I could cope with being berated, but alternative suggestions are welcome if you can come up with something less drastic than separation that we haven't tried.

TIA

why dont you go out for a walk and a coffee somewhere, or go and see a film? - just getting out of the house always helps to clear my head

hope you are ok

Is there anyone you could phone who will just talk to you and keep you company on the line until your GP apt later?

Try and hold on to the knowledge that although things are bad now, they WILL get better. I promise you. One day this will all be long ago, and you will be transformed in how you feel. Hang in there.

I'll be around the computer for about another hour or just under, I'm happy to talk to you on here. Hopefully other MNers will pop up too! Stay strong sweetie. What you are doing is hard and you are carrying your wonderful child too. Its a lot to bear, but you WILL get through this and out the other side.

Thank you.

Will endeavour to calm down. Not feeling myself at all. Good advice to focus away from the here and now.

Went out for a drive earlier, thought it might help, but my head is just so fuggy.

I know I'm not rational right now. I don't like that. I don't like not knowing what I might do next.

I just need to find some strength from somewhere.

Really sorry for whining.

BHW, That's really shitty. I haven't been through this at all but wanted to say good luck with all of it. You can cope on your own and it may be easier as you haven't got him to deal with. However I would urge you to draw up a plan, in writing, that means he takes care of the dcs often to allow you to have a break when you need it.
Write a list of priorities with the more meanial stuff, like housework.
I commend you for going it alone, I have many days when I wish I could... but know I couldn't. DH can be verbally abusive and a bit of a bully (must be why I think my old BF is so attractive, shame I resemble Dawn French as I have a bit loads of baby weight to shift!!
Whenever you think you can't remember Ivor the Engine, mountains never stopped that little train!!

You're not whining! Its quiet on here as it's afternoon, but if you posted this in the evening you would have loads of responses full of care and support. You're doing something really challenging and its no wonder you feel knocked for six.

Maybe have a think about the things that often make you feel better, more like yourself when you're mentally a bit scattered and worried. For me its a warm shower, something nice to eat, and either sleep or watch a DVD. But going for a walk is nice too, or doing really dull stuff that needs doing so at least you feel you are accomplishing stuff. Radio 4 is nice and soothing too while doing said dull stuff

Be gentle to yourself, and hang on to that thought of the future and how much brighter it will be!

BHW, just read your last post. I want you to remember on top of everything you're pregnant which makes the most crystal brain a little 'fuggy' so don't think that's your 'not coping' brain!! One day at a time, a few practical things and a good book is what I recommend...something light like Marian Keyes!

Samaritans are bloody good listeners.

Thanks vicky and divine.

He's still not awake. So much for not leaving me on my own. I really should no better than to rely on him at all. This really is my own fault.

Have left message for dcs to call me, that will help because I'll have to sound normal and they always make me smile.

I let him do this. I let him set me up for a fall. I just really wanted to believe he could think about me for a bit.

Self-esteem is shockingly low. Hopefully GP will have sorted something for me counselling-wise, if not then at least he'll listen to me.

'know better' not 'no better' - that shows how bad things are

Your GP will listen to you. Tell him what you've said here, that you're really upset, enough to be scratching yourself, and that you feel not like yourself. They will take your concerns seriously.

I don't think its your fault that you H hasn't come through as you hoped; its natural human nature to have faith in others and to think the best of them. Just because he has disappointed that faith, it's not your fault! He's a moose, you are fine. Don't blame yourself for his behaviour; he sounds like he's being really selfish and uncaring.

(By the way, you should have seen some of my typos, especially when I was pregnant. I didn't have two rational thoughts to rub together, it was mad - like not me at all. Tis the bloody hormones and you will soon feel better. In the meantime you can get away with murder because people make massive allowances for scatty pregnant ladies ;) )

Am also here, and have read thread so no need to re-explain. Baby sleeping so can be around for a while I hope.

The stupid psychobabble he comes out with must drive you insane (have had this from a self-pitying, PA sibling, not a DP) - it's like speaking to someone in another language isn't it. Even when you feel you have made an incontrovertible point which must cut through the layers of bullshit, it just bounces off them.

I really feel for you.

There's nothing foolish or blameworthy about being human and hoping for the best.
I hope you have as much belief in yourself. Here's a little thing to make you smile (maybe?) my little girl and I were driving past the zoo when we were discussing dinosaurs (she is 2.3), she asked if there were any at the zoo and I said that they were extinct, she said 'like the hippos?' and I said 'No we see the hippos at the zoo don't we?' she said yes 'They stink!'....

Thank you. Can't stay here though. His family are too near and would be around all the time. they know what he is like, they know what he has done but still expect me to act like its all ok and its my fault for not appreciating that he as the bill payer should be obeyed and what a privileged position I am in that he pays the bills.

Good luck to BHW. At least he is acknowledging that he is a BH. mine thinks he is right in everything he says and does and with the support of his overbearing family he carries on.

Will check out the websites. Already read refuge - made me cry.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied yesterday. Lulu I hope you're ok, his family are wrong and are not thinking about what is best for you. I really hope you manage to get out.

Feeling better today. A bit more resigned and able to think. GP was nice, it's going to take a few weeks to sort out counselling, but should get an assessment soon. I made the stupid mistake of putting myself in a position where H was the only person physically there to support me and trusting him that he would. He promised me and my parents that he would put me first this week. I convinced myself that the dcs could have a nice time while I got my head straight. I should have known that he would only offer support when he felt like it and even then some of it would have to be about him. He has spent a total of 2 hours with me in the last 3 days, of which one hour was spent discussing his counselling session

This is while I've been in a state of near catatonia for most of the time.

He has finally told his parents that he is moving out and is ill. At least, that's what he told me he'd told them. However when my mother called them up to talk about it all (they know each other quite well) my MIL was under the impression that H was better and that I was the one who was ill - his being asked to moved out being a symptom of my illness rather than a result of his behaviour.

Very disappointed, but I shouldn't be surprised. At least my mother was able to reassure her that I wasn't doing this to break up the family, but to give the family it's only chance.

So far today H got up, announced he was going to make up for his neglect of me yesterday, spent an hour in the bath and is now out shopping for wall brackets to put up some shelves. Aren't I a lucky girl being looked after so well?

I am so utterly exhausted and defeated. But not quite as mental as I was yesterday, so every cloud...

You are exhausted because you are worn out and need to rest. He has been wearing you out, draining your energy. Please take care of yourself. It's good that he's moving out, even if he's talking rubbish to his family about it.

I really need to stop dwelling don't I?

Thanks NQC

Thanks BHW think I am a few months behind you in the process, I guess I'm still in denial that there is little prospect of change and fearful because of shockingly low self confidence that I can't manage on my own.

you need to dwell and share, it helps i think, well it does me, as i need to check what's normal from time to time.

for example:
last night he picked up some milk on the way home from the gym, thought he was being very helpful. He left for work early and I got down to see he had left me a note to say i was to use the milk he bought last night as it was yesterdays date so it was 9p. he wont be in this evening as he is going for a curry with an old friend (female). I was upset!!!!!!