Asked DH for a Separation, baby due in 2 months, not sure I can cope.

[BadhusbandsWife]

This all started with this thread here by BADHUSBAND

In summary DH has been depressed for about a year and a half, came on MN to ask how he could make up for his bad treatment of me during this time and got some valuable suggestions. He showed me the thread, made lots more promises, and then promptly forgot all of them and did nothing. I added an update at the end of the thread.

So last night we talked and I calmly explained that we were trapped in this cycle of "he does something hurtful"-"I forgive him"-"he does it again" over and over ad infinitum. The problem is that we can't move forwards without me forgiving him and my forgiving him enables him to keep doing whatever he feels like. It's a Catch 22.

Now I am depressed. For the past year I have been constantly giving of myself to support dh, and he cannot be there for me. He told me last night that the reason he avoids me and spends no time with me is because I am not pleasant to be around at the moment. Which is true, I am no fun, I am prickly and short-tempered, and I make him feel bad by crying.

In an ideal world he would now be returning the favour and looking after me. But this is not an ideal world and he finds it too difficult.

I knew he was avoiding me, but to hear him tell me it's a conscious decision was hard.

Extra info - 2 dc already, baby due in 2 months, dh works, I am housebound with SPD, I have history of depression, he had never been depressed before this is now on ADs and seeing a counsellor once a fortnight and has recently been diagnosed as Passive Aggressive as well.

I'm off to the GP this afternoon to try and get counselling for me.

My plan is for DH to move out for a few months to work out what he wants and make the behavioural changes he needs to, while going to relate every week or two to keep communication open.

I so wanted this all to be better before the baby comes, but I don't think that's going to happen, he has been promising change for 9 months now and things are still the same.

Please, any advice, support, shared experience etc. welcome. Not sure I could cope with being berated, but alternative suggestions are welcome if you can come up with something less drastic than separation that we haven't tried.

TIA

I am so glad you are getting help, because things are going to be a bit difficult until you actually have that wretched, whining self-obsessed man out of the house. There is going to be a point when you will have to insist that all contact is done through a third party (your mum or a friend or someone) because once he's out he will be trying to emotionally blackmail his way back in constantly and you really need a total break from him. (He's already talking about dating you and winning you back when he hasn;t even bloody gone yet - I can just imagine how miserably pressurizing that must feel. )Keep telling him that you are going to separate, and that he is going to be leaving, and that it isn't going to be discussed any further.

Thanks solid. I have just replied to one of his emails explaining that his reply, nice as the words were, were just more focus on him and how terrible he feels, and less about the effect on everyone else. I also said in no uncertain terms that he could be utterly perfect for the next 2 weeks and not put one foot wrong and he would still have to move out. I think that's probably going to bring out a negative reaction, but he has to know that there is nothing he can do now to change the inevitable, and that his focus needs to be on improving himself for his own sake, rather than on winning me back.

He asked how I will know he is better. I said that on the day that we can talk and it doesn't even enter his mind to talk about himself because he is where he should be as an adult in his own right (not as my H), that's the day that we can start to rebuild things because we both want to, not because we need to. Not sure I'm saying that right, but that's the gist anyway.

Just had to say GOOD FOR YOU, and keep it up!

I think you're absolutely right. As long as he works at it, he may well recover and be the man you used to love (as long as his selfishness really is down to the depression and he isn't just gonig to carry on whining and leeching his way through life, using 'depression' as an excuse for taking no responsiblitiy for himself and expecting endless generosity from women) - and you will know when he's better from his actions, not his claims to be 'All better now, can I tell you all about it me me me me me me me when are you going to start looking after me again you selfish cow etc etc'...
FWIW I have had close friends (including one sort-of, on-off partner) with depression in the past, in a couple of cases I was the only person the depressive had to turn to apart from the professionals - and the only thing that kept me relatively sane was the fact that I didn't live with either person and I got a reasonable amount of time away from them doing stuff for myself. It is incredibly draining to be the caretaker for a depressive, as one of the main side effects of depression is how very, very selfish and self-obsessed the sufferer becomes.
You are not leaving your H to flounder alone in the world, he has mental health professionals to look after him, family and friends, but it really is time for you to put yourself ahead of him for a while.

BHW - Isn't an eye opener to be so grateful that your GP was so 'nice' to you!! It just shows the mindset you've gotten yourself into and that you thought the GP would want to focus on your DH.
Also just wanted to say that you sound extremely intelligent and insightful in your posts and maybe you just needed a nudge in the right direction to make this last leap of faith.
We're all sitting here giving advice and telling you to get DH out of your life for a while but you're the one who's actually experiencing all this and I can't help but admire how you're handling everything. If only DH could be a fraction like you eh?

'how will you know when he is better?'

you won't. he will know when he is better.

All that you can hope to know is if you enjoy being with him, value him, find him supportive, trust him etc etc and all the other things that make you want to stay married to him.

don't let him have you tell him what to do. Don't let him make everything your responsibility.

he can do what he chooses, and all you can ask is that he gives you the freedom to decide whether you like him or not.

you've got it tough. what do you do to look after yourself? What are you calling your new baby?

I agree with Solid. You won't be able to detach from him, and recover until he's been forced to get out of the habit of using you as his sounding board/coping valve.... You need space from this 'mop' sapping your energy.

It took me a long time to learn not to enter into pointless discussions with my x. I just didn't see that by trying to make him understand ME and my perspective, I was merely sending out the message that what he thought still mattered to me a lot.

I've only recently realised that the most effective message it turns out, is to let him get on with thinking whatever he wants to think of me, and not trying to control that. He hasn't rung or texted or emailed in months now.

Had an odd evening of the same-old and completely-new.

He managed to get us talking about him and his issues for a good hour before I clicked that I had been sucked in again. Rather than getting angry or sad or let him carry on I just said, "DH I am not going to listen to this anymore." and walked away. I got sucked in because he wanted me to explain where I was getting the idea that this was all about him (oh the irony). He also broke my trust by opening one of my emails to a friend. HE swears he didn't read it - not that it would matter as it was nothing I haven't said to him - but I don't believe him. In fact I am gobsmacked that he would break my trust like that - we have always respected each other's privacy, but at the same time been completely open with each other IYSWIM.

Just shows I don't know the man anymore.

I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from me. He is now his responsibility. I don't have to listen to him anymore. He is moving out and I will be able to concentrate on me (by that of course we all know I mean the dcs, but it's a step up )

He won't fully grasp that it's HIS issue and that he has to fix himself until you have literally removed yourself from his life.

I'm sure right now he thinks this is your fault. You're not giving him the benefit of the doubt! you deliberately misunderstanding him! you've not enough faith in him! You won't accept his version of the truth!

The only way he can ever begin to stop blaming you is if you take yourself entirely out of the equation.

Good luck. My relationship was different to this, but that transition from being a couple to being two different people, two separate independent personalities, it's really hard to do it.

Good luck to you. You do sound extremely wise and insightful. All my gems of wisdom only came to be after the event! You have the clarity to see things even when you're in the eye of the storm, which is admirable.

well done. stay positive

Hi sweetie. Your husband sounds so like my ex it's scary. It's a very long road rebuilding your self-esteem. Oh, and he may well keep on at you for AGES so you may need to prepare yourself for that.

My ex was always coming up with a new "reason" why he'd be different this time - that he'd start counselling, that he'd read this book which reminded him of his parents relationship and thrown a new light on his behaviour, that he'd see a counsellor, that he'd go on anti-depressants, that this time he realised I was too precious to lose, blah blah flipping blah. Essentially he was saying whatever needed to be said to get me back on side and once I'd taken him back it was business as usual.

Have you started counselling at all? Took me years to admit I needed it, wish I'd started it sooner

Just logged on and read this thread - feel so strange - my situation similiar - it often feels like I'm the only one going through all this, fed up of people telling me to make it work, like its all up to me, fed up of people telling me to leave him, as if its that easy when he owns the house and I'm scared of what he will do if I do go.

scared of being a single parent. What do I tell my little girl - i left because your dad scares me, calls me names, insults me, and tells me its my fault as i should not wind him up - reasons ranging from didn't tighten the lid on the peanut butter enough, did not put the hot choc back in cupboard - and he genuinely thinks these are valid reasons - and that's what he told relate - she said he was completely petty.

trying to write this - first time on the pc in ages and he keeps coming in to see what I'm doing. he reads my mail and my texts - have to delete everything the second I send it now.

Lulus: here. You don't have to live like this. WOmen's Aid will help you get rid of him (if he is physically violent he can be removed from the house and prevented from returning, even if he owns it: it's the family home which means that your little girl has the right to live in it without a violent abusive man there).
Good luck.

Oh God Lulus... it won't get any better. My demon ex used to dump me all the time, and throw me out of the flat, my sister once said when I'd told her, "what happened this time? Did you lay the table wrong?". My mum never really believed it could be over anything that trivial until he left over me wanting to watch a different TV channel right in front of her.

The thing is sweetie, if he scares you, he'll eventually scare your daughter as well...

I looked at this when I was in your position, it was a bit of a wakeup call...

www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/youhh_index.shtml

Just because it doesn't involve fists, it doesn't mean it's not abuse.

Lulus, I was a single parent for a few years. I had a great time. Don't be scared of the unknown.

BHW, I have posted on the other thread as well. I am glad you are starting to move on and getting the support you need. He is dragging you down.

No advice to give, but have just read through both threads and just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing in asking him to go.

Well done you for being strong and for seeing him like he really is. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have you as a role model. Good luck with your remainder of your pregnancy.

(from another pregnant SPD sufferer )

Sorry - should read 'Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy .

Don't know if anyone's there.

I'm really struggling.

Please help. My head's gone all slow and I can't think, and I'm seeing things that aren't there - but I know they're not there so Ican't be crazy.

The kids are with my parents for the week. I shouldn't have let them go.

Help.

Please please please

I don't want to explain all this in a new thread.

Hey, I'm here - but no use at all! Except I'm here. Are you missing your kids? Why not use the space while they are away to have a sleep and be gentle to yourself?

I've just split my with partner and am facing moving out, single parenthood etc. I know how scary it feels.

I'm here. Please explain what has happened. Do you need urgent medical help, or someone to listen? You sound very stressed.

you need to make an appointment with your GP urgently, given you are 7 months pregnant. have you got a friend you can ask to come round and sit with you for a while?

maybe have a lie down? the stress of your situation must be getting to you

please ring the doctor and ask for help

Can't sleep. H has got time off. Stupid stupid me was persuaded that he would help me. Been crying and staring into space since Saturday. H has been intermittently supportive (sort of) and abusive (apparently I'm being childish and manipulative ). It seemed like a good idea for the dcs to be away to give me a chance to get my head together, but I'm just getting worse

Have been scratching my arms.

GP apt this afternoon.

H is still asleep I've been up for hours, woke him to talk, but he was "too tired".

Don't know what to do.

Thanks for reply

Why did H take time off work? Was it to help you around the house? If so, is he not doing that?

Glad you have a GP apt. Are you finding it is being around your H that is hard - if so, is there any chance you could go to your mums too and be with her and the kids there, away from him?

Work shut down for a week, so had to take time off. Lots of promises.

Mum and dad the other side of the country. No one to come over.