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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is damaging me and our DC.

83 replies

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:24

Where to start?

Husbands behaviour is turning me against him and apart from wrecking our marriage, its going to wreck our DCs childhood.

He is so angry with the DC, he forgets they are babies, 3 and 1 FFS! Expects far too much from them, the 1 year old was crying earlier and he shouted at her so bloody loudly. He goes from being a loving, caring father to an irate monster in seconds. Hes been known to smack (not hard) the 3 year old round the back of the head, which i hate, hes reduced me to tears because of it on more than one occassion. The only reason he stopped was because one of his friends said that his wife had done that to his DD and he threatened to leave and take her with him, so DH realised he was wrong (though if i say it i am being soft ).

His answer to everything is to shout loudly and often until they do what they're told. There are 1000 instances of this, but i'd be here for hours listing them.

He came home earlier, all was fine, now TMI i have a sore spot in my nose that requires constant prodding, DH said stop doing that, i told him i wasn't picking my nose, i have a sore thing up there, he said fine, picked his nose and tried to make DD eat the contents , i told him to stop being revolting and he did, but came over to me instead with it, i held him back and he pushed me and said "i'll kick you in, if you don't give me a cuddle" now i know he won't hit me or anything, but apart from being bloody offensive, its a disgusting thing to say infront of our DC!

This is the problem, our relationship isn't bad, we have issues, but really we're ok, but i CANNOT stand the way he talks and acts around the DC and i don't know how to change it. He's said to the 3yr old before, "get mummys boobs, get them" before, showing him where they are. He sees nothing wrong with anything!

Its at the point where i need to leave if i can't change it.

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 09/02/2009 19:26

He sounds dreadful tbh
Very immature
What was his upbringing like? What are his parents like?

mankymummy · 09/02/2009 19:27

Write a list of the things he says/does that you feel are inappropriate. Show them to a friend/relative/whatever and ask them to give DH an honest opinion on whether they are acceptable. Get DH to agree to abide by what the friend/relative says.

staryeyed · 09/02/2009 19:27

Are you for real?

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:27

Forget to mention, he works abroad for big chunks of time and when hes in the country is usually only home at weekends, so i don't know if that effects his relationship with the DC.

He is quite controlling if i let him, but i don't stand for it, which also causes issues.

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 09/02/2009 19:29

Do you not have enough on your plate bringing up your own two children? You really shouldn't have to bring up another womans too. kick him out and send him back to mummy.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 09/02/2009 19:29

Have a look at the women's aid website. SOmeonewill be along soon with all the relevant links on a) Yes your partner is abusive and b)how to get rid of him.
TBH if he is hitting the DC get him out asfast as you can before SS take the DC away.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 09/02/2009 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 09/02/2009 19:31

Would you consider sitting down with him and explaining that you can't go on like this and need him to make some changes or you will have to separate? If you feel too scared of him to talk about it, then you may well need to look into your legal position and make the break.

MadamDeathstare · 09/02/2009 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:33

He no longer hits DS anymore, which is one thing i suppose.

And yes he is so so immature.

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 09/02/2009 19:35

He sounds like a nasty, abusive bastard. Very worried for you and your poor DC. I really think you should get some proper advice from someone used to dealing with this sort of situation - Women's Aid and/or the CAB maybe? You can't go on living like this.

hobbgoblin · 09/02/2009 19:35

I don't know if this will help you realise but if I cam across you - particularly with my work hat on and you divulged this info I would make an immediate referral to Children Schools and Families as your children and you are being abused.

Good God his behaviour is disgraceful.

what2donow · 09/02/2009 19:36

Sorry, but if he hits your DC, how can you be so sure he won't hit you one day?

If he has always been like this, I can't see you will change him however hard you might try or how much you might want to.

If I was you, I'm not sure I would even bother trying. He sounds like a total waste of space.

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:37

He's always been like this with the DC yes, he is lovely with them alot of the time, but if he doesn't like their behaviour he goes for it.

I try to talking to him, but it always results in a shouting, slanging match.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 09/02/2009 19:37

It doesn't sound like you feel much respect or even liking for him tbh. Even without the issue of abusive behaviour, it is coming across that you feel the relationship is untenable...is that what you are saying?

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:38

I try talking to him, sorry for typos, hes in the room and i'm trying to do it quickly.

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 09/02/2009 19:39

That thing with the nose picking and the boobs thing is shocking you know, absolutely shocking. It makes me shudder in the same way that I do when I hear about women being hit.

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:42

If i ask him not to do something, he does 3 it more times, my parents have noticed this too.

BOF - TBH i've had more than enough of his crap and there is very little respect left.

I have told him that what he does could involve SS, but he doesn't believe that his behaviour is wrong, he just thinks he is a strict parent.

OP posts:

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:43

Yes the boobs things was revolting, i can't understand why he would think it was acceptable!

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 09/02/2009 19:45

Womens Aid is a good place to get some advice I think. This doesn't seem like a good relationship for you or your children from what you have said...how do you feel about separating? It does seem like you are scared of him, and that really isn't healthy.

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 19:48

I'm not scared of him, but i am scared of how this is going to affect the DC.

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 09/02/2009 19:51

I do really feel for you you know. Don't think I don't because I'm being blunt here. There just appears to be something very macabre in what you have posted and it really worries me.

If things don't get worse - and I predict they will - then this ongoing degrading treatment of you and your dd is so very damaging for her and you.

This is psychological abusiveness and your dh sounds as though he has a lot of stuff going on in his head that you won't be able to unravel or change on your won just by talking or even threatening Social Services. If it is an ingrained thing with him then he would be hard pressed to change himself even with outside help and I fear you upping the ante may make him more dangerous to you.

I don't tend to over dramatise things and usually take a permissive and laid back approach to many posts on mumsnet but this thread really struck me as a particularly worrying situation.

I second solidgold's suggestion to call womens aid - if only to gain some perspective on this.

Best wishes to you, I think you must feel very down trodden by him.

PottyCock · 09/02/2009 19:57

Did I read correctly that he picked his own nose, and then encouraged your one year old daughter to eat his mucus?

This isn't immaturity - it is abuse plain and simple.

MinkyBorage · 09/02/2009 19:59

Blimey, he sounds like a disgusting prick tbh. If he genuinely doesn't realise how disgusting and abusive his behaviour is then you could be on to a complete non starter, but the fact that his friend managed to get him to stop hitting your dd shows that maybe if he could be persuaded to see things differently then perhaps he could change.
Is there any way you could get him to counselling? That might be worth trying, but make it clear to him that this is his last chance.

Don't be in any doubt, if your dc continue to experience this behaviour, it will cause them and you big problems. He has to stop.

I agree with hobbgoblin, it is absolutely shocking, and really disgusting!

Original poster

myhusbandis3yearsold · 09/02/2009 20:01

Hes sulking because i refuse to apologise for being a "grumpy witch", he did his usual "i am sorry you got upset" turing it around on me trick.

OP posts:

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