My husband is damaging me and our DC.

[myhusbandis3yearsold]

Where to start?

Husbands behaviour is turning me against him and apart from wrecking our marriage, its going to wreck our DCs childhood.

He is so angry with the DC, he forgets they are babies, 3 and 1 FFS! Expects far too much from them, the 1 year old was crying earlier and he shouted at her so bloody loudly. He goes from being a loving, caring father to an irate monster in seconds. Hes been known to smack (not hard) the 3 year old round the back of the head, which i hate, hes reduced me to tears because of it on more than one occassion. The only reason he stopped was because one of his friends said that his wife had done that to his DD and he threatened to leave and take her with him, so DH realised he was wrong (though if i say it i am being soft ).

His answer to everything is to shout loudly and often until they do what they're told. There are 1000 instances of this, but i'd be here for hours listing them.

He came home earlier, all was fine, now TMI i have a sore spot in my nose that requires constant prodding, DH said stop doing that, i told him i wasn't picking my nose, i have a sore thing up there, he said fine, picked his nose and tried to make DD eat the contents , i told him to stop being revolting and he did, but came over to me instead with it, i held him back and he pushed me and said "i'll kick you in, if you don't give me a cuddle" now i know he won't hit me or anything, but apart from being bloody offensive, its a disgusting thing to say infront of our DC!

This is the problem, our relationship isn't bad, we have issues, but really we're ok, but i CANNOT stand the way he talks and acts around the DC and i don't know how to change it. He's said to the 3yr old before, "get mummys boobs, get them" before, showing him where they are. He sees nothing wrong with anything!

Its at the point where i need to leave if i can't change it.

Reality

So pleased you found the strength to leave him

I had that with Exp too reality
Holding fist by my face and calling my name so i turned round quickly and got hit, i think he thought it funny that he could say it was a joke and 'didn't mean to hit me' as in chasing me round the house and hitting me on purpose.

I think we stay because the times these guys are nice is wonderful, a glimpse of what we fell in love with, and we spend all our time hoping and watching and waiting on them hand and foot until we see another glimpse, and another, and experience the kindness they are capable of. By which time years have passed and you start to think 'Its not that bad/its worth it for the tiny glimpses of the man i fell in love with'

I don't know, its hard to explain. They are so nasty, i think, that when they are nice it's like nothing on earth, and to someone starved of affection, any sign of it is like heaven, and in your mindfucked brain the man is the only one who can give you that feeling. Like a drug. A co-dependent relationship.

I don't know if that helps to explain why we stay.

No Sapphire that just explains how well he has you trained...even dogs have to have the odd trat whilst being trained to give them he incentive to what's required of them
so in efect if he thinks he's pushed a little hard he'll throw you a few scraps (of affection) then he goes back to his normal behaviour

The man you fell in love with was just his bait..the man you are afraid of is the real deal

I must say, my DP has got worse as i have become more subdued. At the start of the relationship he grabbed me by the arm once and i said, don't you DARE grab me up.. he said, what are you going to do about it? So, i screamed the place down, to which he hurriedly let go.

BUT. I had made a mistake..i believed his begging and pleading and all the shit about his ex's (as in my thread the other day) and i realise now that was the pivotal moment.. from then on he got worse, calling me a cunt, got dumped, wheedled his way back in, realised no matter what he did i would let it go, and the balance of power shifted from being a loving relationship (because he DID respect me because i didn't take any shit) to someone who would take a bit of shit, to someone who would take a lot of shit, to someone who would take constant shit.

Looking at it now i can see this clearly. I believe my thread, being on here, has opened my eyes.

What i am doing now is last chance because although i have DS, i want one of my kids at least to grow up happy, my DS1 now is after i split with EXP, but i notice he is suffering through my unhappiness, it is only a matter of time till DS2 is also, then i will be an old woman wondering where my life has gone, and he will be with someone else, having ruined my life.

I can see it plain as day and i don't like what i see. Tis up to me to change it.
This is why the OP, i wish her the best of luck whatever she decides to do. Only she can change her life, same as me, and others. Just thankful for the support xx

you cannot change his behaviour

but you can change your reaction to it - move the children form him when he behaves unreasonably.

speak to womens aid.

make it clear you find his behaviour unacceptable.

if you want to give him a "chance" ask for referral to family therapy or go to relate - but do something now.

ist is NOT an ok relationnship - it took me a long time to understand what my counsellor said when she kept repeating - "abusers do not abuse 24/7, they can also be charming and nice" "perpetrators of domestic violence dont hit their wives 24/7" but it doesnt make them NOT be an abuser.

you and your children deserve nice 24/7.

I know this sounds harsh, but I think when children start to be affected you have to change your perspective. OK, so we can all see glimpses of the man we fell in love with, and maybe if it's just ourselves to think about we can live with the glimpses. But our children are innocent victims, they never made the choices we made, and therefore don't deserve to suffer the consequences. (not that we do either, but you know what I mean!)

Cestlavielife is right about abusers not being abusive 24/7. After all, the Yorkshire ripper went home to his wife and was a lovely husband apparently, didn't stop him murdering people though!

I agree with all especially Rebecca and had to post. As wives and mothers we can and do put up with a lot, some of which is wholly unacceptable, a lot of which we shouldn't have to put up with, for the sake of our children.

But when the children are affected in this way everything changes.

If he won't listen to you now about the children, when will he? This "you're soft, I'm just strict" is the crappiest crapola. He has no respect for you. Sorry, that is harsh, but that is how it reads. He needs to have that respect if you are to protect your children.

It is not OK, this relationship, and good for you for standing up to it. It is a terrible thing to separate children from a parent but if he won't change his behaviour or even see it as highly questionable then that is the course I would be pursuing. Nobody says or thinks that lightly. But your children need your protection.

Thanks for all the replies, managed to sit down and talk to him last night.

He said he knows the boobs thing was wrong, he thought he was being funny, but on reflection, he was being a jerk.

The nose thing he agreed was much the same and said although he had nothing on his finger it still was unacceptable.

I mentioned the hitting, but as he hasn't done it in months anyway, it was a non starter, he just said hes stopped.

The shouting was an issue, he seems to think shouting = disipline and i'm not sure i can change that mindset, he agreed that at times he can go overboard and a gentle reminder would help him (or me taking the DC from the room, as some of you said).

He is now aware atleast that this is it, he either changes or he's out.

I should say though, that although in my OP i mentioned about him "kicking me in if i don't give him a cuddle" it was meant lighthearted, he has never been violent to me. I know it sounds odd, but the only reason him saying it bothered me was because it was infront of the DC. I've sat and thought about it for a while and i think he may feel threatned that i am the DCs world, they come to me for everything, because its me thats here, they go to him for cuddles and playing alot, but i am usally first choice. I disipline them in my way because its me who deals with them when he is away for 6 months at a time, i think hes trying to show us that he is just as capable of taking charge. He used to put my parenting skills down alot although since having a chat hes stopped, saying i was too soft on them.

Oh dear...

Sweet Jesus, why does this always happen on here? It makes me so sad

He has a nasty little habit of turning it all round on me.

He does take on board what i say and 9 times out of 10, he will change, but i can't be arsed anymore, a normal man would see whats normal behaviour and whats not and he seems oblivious to it all, he shouldn't have to change because he shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

He has a 6month trip coming up soon, think i'll take it from there.

i was really really hoping to read something positive if the OP came back...now I just feel very very sad that he has won her round yet again.

What will it take OP...what would it really take?

Regarding the trip, how soon is soon?

July, possibly earlier, but he will be away for 2 months in May and June too i think.

i would look at moving out whilst he is away.

Well, in effect you have told the same story ina different way now which is the whole difficulty with not knowing you in RL. Either version could be the reality and none of us know. I completely understand that, but I guess we're all just thinking that post 1 was the reality, although you were upset and angry, and post 2 of the same story seems like justification because he has won you round.

Only you know and I think it is completely understandable for you to give 2 accounts from different persepctives. Maybe reality is between the two. However, if deep down you know that the version you gave us first is the sad and abusive reality, the very next time ANYTHING like this happens, please, please don't wait for his excuses - just leave.

will you?

That was the plan, well getting him to move out, he has accommodation available through work.

Ditto Dropdeadfred

"kicking me in if i don't give him a cuddle"..
the only reason him saying it bothered me was because it was infront of the DC...

This is not acceptable to hear from a human being.

MH, they always apologise. They always promise to change, and say it won't happen again. And the next time it does, they always say that it's your fault, so both you and the DC end up tiptoing round in constant fear of abuse, while he is all nicy-nice for a bit and just throws a tantrum now and again to make sure you all remember who actually matters in the household.
Make your plans. Make your escape.

I know what you're all saying, i do and if i was posting on this thread i would say the same, but i don't have to tiptoe around him, he doesn't go off on one because he knows it gets him nowhere, i dont backdown and let him treat us like shit. I think he wants to be controlling but can't, i don't let him. I still don't want to live like this and i don't want the DC having to witness his problems, which is the reason (with your help) that the time has come to take the DC away from it, before he inflicts his issues on them.

yes but your not leaving. Why not???