My husband is damaging me and our DC.

[myhusbandis3yearsold]

Where to start?

Husbands behaviour is turning me against him and apart from wrecking our marriage, its going to wreck our DCs childhood.

He is so angry with the DC, he forgets they are babies, 3 and 1 FFS! Expects far too much from them, the 1 year old was crying earlier and he shouted at her so bloody loudly. He goes from being a loving, caring father to an irate monster in seconds. Hes been known to smack (not hard) the 3 year old round the back of the head, which i hate, hes reduced me to tears because of it on more than one occassion. The only reason he stopped was because one of his friends said that his wife had done that to his DD and he threatened to leave and take her with him, so DH realised he was wrong (though if i say it i am being soft ).

His answer to everything is to shout loudly and often until they do what they're told. There are 1000 instances of this, but i'd be here for hours listing them.

He came home earlier, all was fine, now TMI i have a sore spot in my nose that requires constant prodding, DH said stop doing that, i told him i wasn't picking my nose, i have a sore thing up there, he said fine, picked his nose and tried to make DD eat the contents , i told him to stop being revolting and he did, but came over to me instead with it, i held him back and he pushed me and said "i'll kick you in, if you don't give me a cuddle" now i know he won't hit me or anything, but apart from being bloody offensive, its a disgusting thing to say infront of our DC!

This is the problem, our relationship isn't bad, we have issues, but really we're ok, but i CANNOT stand the way he talks and acts around the DC and i don't know how to change it. He's said to the 3yr old before, "get mummys boobs, get them" before, showing him where they are. He sees nothing wrong with anything!

Its at the point where i need to leave if i can't change it.

Well,he won't change as he doesn't see his behaviour as being abusive,dont bother giving him 'one last chance'.
Speak to womans aid.

He sounds like a twat.

Why do you want to be with him? What makes you love him and want to be his family? What are his good points that make the rest worth forgiving?

he says he's a strict parent...by picking his nose and asking his daughter to eat the contents???

Fucking ask him how the hell that makes him a strict parent!!

Honestly, I would tell this shithead straight away that he could not bother coming back from his next stint abroad.

God, I am actually angry now!!! What a complete arsehole, how can you bear to be with him?

It sounds like he's baiting you by using the DCs which is very worrying.
Have you ever talked with him about what values you want to teach them? I just wonder if he's ever had any standards or he has changed recently?

I am utterly shocked by this. Does he think him being a "strict parent" is good? What sort of a role model does he think he is being. You are right to be concerned. There are more knowledgeable people here than me - take their advice. Clearly your instincts are telling you that he is WRONG and BAD. Your instincts are right.

You know, I think that this guy has a particular desire to physically humiliate, with definite sexual undertones (viz forcing a baby to eat body fluids, encouraging your child to touch your breasts in an inappropriate way).

I think this desire to sexually humiliate is directed both towards you and, I'm afraid, the children. I think he has serious, serious problems - WAY bigger than you could help with.

You are right, he will destroy their childhood and if you don't leave then you will be complicit in that. Sorry to be so blunt. I really hope you get some help working this awful situation out, and manage to do the right thing.

If you said to him "These are the things you do which I don't think you should: x, y, z etc. If you think there is nothing wrong with those things does that mean you would feel ok if your mother/my mother/your friends/social services, knew about them?" could this 'help' him to see how wrong his behaviours are? It seems when he stopped and looked at the hitting thing from an outside perspective when his friend was there that this showed him that the hitting thing was wrong. Maybe it could work for the other things. I like what someone said about writing a list and getting someone he respects to say what they think of it. Would you be able to show him this thread or would that be too frightening?

I'm so sorry for you. If I was in your place I would be really worried about the effect on the children as well.

Thats not a strict parent thats a fucking discusting bully.. [sngry]

This is awful MH

Please do what ever you can to either convince him to behave properly (anger management classes or something)......

Or get out now before he does something even worse

Een if there was a way of making his see that his acions were disgusting and may get him into trouble if they were seen by or reported to certain agencies, would you really want to be with someone who would still like to do those things and only didnt through fear of being caught?

I actually feel physically sick at the thought of him taunting a little child like that..

...He is so angry with the DC, he forgets they are babies,
...and he shouted at her so bloody loudly.
...to an irate monster in seconds.
...Hes been known to smack (not hard) the 3 year old round the back of the head,
...hes reduced me to tears because of it
...The only reason he stopped was because one of his friends said
...His answer to everything is to shout loudly and often
...picked his nose
...and tried to make DD eat the contents shock,
...i held him back and he pushed me and said "i'll kick you in, if you don't give me a cuddle"
..."get mummys boobs, get them" before, showing him where they are.

...our relationship isn't bad,
...but really we're ok

Are you NUTS!! Your relationship is TERRIBLE, he has no respect for you, really you are not OK and I also am concerned about the signals your dcs will be picking up from him.

Why are you with him? Do NOT say 'because I love him' (which may be true). Why else?

I am using the last bit of energy I have left after a day of exhaustion to say that your posts have been very worrying.

Your children will be deeply affected.

Your life without him will be much better unless he changes, though I doubt he will.

You have lots of options, your children have none.

Do you have a supportive family? Ring women's Aid or a solicitor or your local CAB and get some advice.

hope you are OK.

I'm so sorry to have to agree with all the other posters.

It seems to me that you may well love him, but in your head, you know the relationship is untenable. He is abusive to you, and your LOs. He might think he is being "funny", but the examples you've cited aren't.

Have you got any friends in RL who could help you leave him?

Fuck me he is one sick bastard.

I have read many a post on here about abusive behavior but this is THE most disturbing and revolting.

I suspect you have somehow normalised this highly disturbing and abusive treatment of you and your DC. That is dangerous.

Forcing a child to eat the contents of his nose is horrific enough but he is also physically abusing your DC.

You think you can stay with a man who does this?

"I'll kick you in if you don't give me a cuddle".

He hits your child round the head? That isn't a smack; that's physical abuse.

He's abusing you.

He's abusing the children.

You need to think long and hard as to your next moves.

The "good" times aren't good - they're times when he remembers to mask his true identity and attitude. They will become less and less frequent. Believe me.

0808 2000 247 or www.womensaid.org.uk should help, if you want to think and read up a bit on what you can do

He sounds horrible ,really horrible,really and truly horrible,I think you have lost perspective because you are used to him.I would really have serious thoughts about whether you want your children to grow up with a man like this,and whether you want this either.

what a nasty nasty bastard

How are you today OP?

Vile horrible man. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour, and they will do the same. Get out now! If anyone treated my son like that I'd never speak to them again.

Sorry to be blunt but where children are concerned I get really upset.

I think the only reason the OP has put up with the situation long term is because this awful sick man is away a lot of the time.
I would strongly, strongly suggest that you make plans to leave the next time he is away (or depending on your legal rights and circumstances, change the locks though you mustn't do this without legal advice). He is going to get worse and worse and there is no reason for your children or you to be subjected to it.
Agree with OBM by the way about him having serious, disturbing problems over wanting to humiliate you and the DC.

You are right in your op - your relationship isn't bad, it's appalling.

I have to post. I have next to no advice and i can't say anything really because my DP is very similar, i am standing up to him atm and it seems to be working, i think its the shock that someone normally so placid has started to bite back, and having his own behaviour suddenly highlighted in the way actingnormal says...i ask if he would do the same thing in front of so-and-so and that makes him think.
Lewisfanisonadiet also said "The "good" times aren't good - they're times when he remembers to mask his true identity and attitude. They will become less and less frequent. Believe me."

Sadly very true.
You have all my sympathy i am sorry not to have had any useful advice for you tbh. You are in my thoughts anyway whatever you decide to do, as only you can decide.
How are you today?

Bluesapphire, but why would you want to be with someone who thinks about behavingthat way in the first place? (I read your post the other day)