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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another bloody row about my lack of financial contribution....I am going to put it all down here and please give me your HONEST opinions!!!

124 replies

notanicepersonnow · 07/02/2009 20:53

Myself and DP (not so dear at present!) are having problems, of various sorts in our relationship. I have just spent a few days away from home with Ds as was worn out with the constant friction.

Anyway, this evening we ended up having another row about various things and Dp has YET AGAIN started critisising me about what he percieves as my non contribution, in my honest opinion I do contribute loads both financially and in other ways and his total in-ability to accept this and maybe even BE GRATEFUL for what I do is driving a sever wedge between us. So ladies......

I work as apart time nurse and take home approx 1250 pm. He has a much better paid job and takes home about 2200 permonth.

I contribute per month
£250 to Mortgage (I pay half what he does)
£300 to the childcare (half total monthly bill)
£160 to food (but in fact more as I top up twice a week, probably another £100 per month)
£18 Internet
£approx 50 average per month on hols- for example have just booked Cp for later this year and have paid for that all myself, £200
£All DS's clothes, toys, party gifts etc, say £75 pm average

I also have to keep up with

£185 car loan (DP has company car)
£38 insurance/tax
£120 petrol (my job involves some travelling)
£20 pm professional subs

So That is a basically all my income, but still DP feels I am not doing right by our family. I have offered to go back to work full time but he does not want that as it will cost 'him' more in childcare and he isnt keen on me topping up my earnings with weekend bank/agency work as that would involve him looking after DS one to one!!!!!!

Because I have no money left over at all, I am living on my overdraft and anthing I need ie denstist, a few clothes, occasional (shock cheap lunch out or a book, you get the picture.

Im angry and demoralised, please tell me should I be or am I being unrealistic/ am I going wrong somewhere!!!???

OP posts:

tiredandgrumpy · 08/02/2009 14:10

Sorry - hadn't read how this thread developed. Clearly far more than a financial problem, so sorry if I appeared in any way to trivialise it. I hope you somehow find a way to make things work out for you. Good luck!

bronze · 08/02/2009 14:12

have you tried doing the unpaid work thing that mnhq had on a thread. Basically showing you how much you do in the home would cost if it was paid labour.
Do that for you and for him and see the difference.

bronze · 08/02/2009 14:13

sorry it was only showing one page of posts will go back and read the extras

arkestra · 08/02/2009 14:17

I'm the only earner in our partnership, my wife is spending her time and energy in caring for our dd.

Her contribution is at least as valuable as mine, and I take pains (1) to reassure her on that point if she ever seems anxious about it (2) never to even hint that I don't think her raising our kid is as important as my work. If I ever did anything else I hope to G*d she'd have the self-respect to boot me in the knackers. We're lucky to be able to do things this way, for now at least, and I don't take it for granted for a second.

Your partner seems like he's trying to exert the maximum possible power gain out of being the higher earner. You deserve better than this. There are plenty of nice people out there who don't need power trips to make their lives complete, and are happy to put their energy into making themselves, their partner and their kids happy.

Best of luck.

Jux · 08/02/2009 14:39

I would tell him it's Relate now or divorce later. Personally, I'd skip the relate bit and get straight to the divorce. You will actually be better off emotionally without him.

Sheeta · 08/02/2009 14:49

what really helped me and DP was writing down absolutely everything that HAD to go out (council tax, mortgage, childcare, etc etc yawn) and setting up a joint account for that. We each put as much as we could afford in that, and made sure there was always enough left over. We still argue about the shopping budget (he seems to think £200 a month is enough ) but it has helped.

YANBU!! seriously... write everything down, so he sees that you have zero left at the end of the month, and he has hundreds!!!!

Sheeta · 08/02/2009 14:52

Sorry... only read the OP before... having read the rest of this thread...

What an absolute arsehole! Give him a kick in the bollocks from me!!

tryingherbest · 08/02/2009 15:51

The fact that you can itemise your contributions is not great.

You've done nothing wrong - it sounds like you are a normal mum trying to bolster the family finances. I don't like the way that if you worked full time it would cost HIM more in childcare.

This is really, really wrong and number of levels.

mrspnut · 08/02/2009 16:07

Please look at this link and see that what you're going through is not normal and not what you deserve.

Freedom programme Please contact someone for support and advice, just so you have the information in case you ever decide to leave.

chipmonkey · 08/02/2009 19:56

mrspnut, that's a very good link!

prettyfly1 · 08/02/2009 20:17

ummmmm. My blood ran a little cold op reading your last post. I think you need to think very seriously about how you want your son to believe women should be treated. I am guessing you would not want him doing this to another woman but by staying in what is abuse that is what is happening. He controls you financially, your confidence is sapped and your outside influences limited. Time to think about how you are going to leave.

Big hugs and good luck.

prettyfly1 · 08/02/2009 20:17

by what is happening i meant what will happen - sorry full of flu.

dittany · 08/02/2009 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DivamakesKimchi · 08/02/2009 20:53

goodness me, i earn 0 atmo. as i have full time mum with two kids under 4.
i cant believe how selfish he ishe is right bully and this is abusive relationship imo.
im very sorry for you. i hope you sort your self out of this relationship.
lessonlearned, im shocked to hear your story, im glad you are better now.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 21:14

Thanks Diva, for me, at least it's mostly in the past. Financially, I had to agree an attachment to pension order which depends on me never marrying again - but hey, that's no loss! I will happily wait to recoup my (considerable) financial losses another day!
At lest I have retained the ability to earn and now I'm financially independent enough to help my children toward their independence. HAPPY DAYS!

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 21:15

Bigpants1 · 08/02/2009 22:11

fell him to stick his finances up his bottom, followed by his head. he is mean and arrogant. of course hes not got an overdraft, he makes sure your wages are gone, and then sneers and makes you feel inadequate, cos you need an overdraft to survive. theres a saying, that we only get treated as we allow ourselves to be treated. treat him to the following... a smack round the head with a saucepan, some one to one time with the child he helprd create, and a threat that you will look for someone less like Ebanezor Scrooge to live with. dont be sad, laugh at him- hes ridiculous.

SmallShips · 09/02/2009 15:17

Hope you're ok OP.

ellenjames · 09/02/2009 22:29

get out of that situation, he's never going to change, and think of how happy you and your dc will be without the pressure of this 'relationship'. Good luck.

QuintessentialShadows · 10/02/2009 10:24

He is trying to pressurize you into giving up your job to become a sahm. He does not value the work you do, and that you contribute financially means nothing. This is not your place. He sees himself as the earner (key: his statement that you working full time will place more demands on him for paying childcare - not just that, more chances you are ill, or a child is ill, on a day you are meant to be workign) Your job is an inconvenience. He is trying his damnest to make you realize that all will be well when you stop working. THIS will, in his mind, resolve all the issues. You are fat, you place demands on him when the kids are ill and you have to take time off from work.

Do you want this? Do you stick to your job because you really like it and want to have a career? Or do you stick to your job because you wont be pressured to give up?

These are important questions, because if you WANT to be a sahm, then you could try that and let him focus solely on his job.

IF you DONT, you will have to have a serious discussion with him about this, because you cannot live with the pressure his attitude is creating.

I am probably going to go against the grain here and say the following: If you dont want to work, and you love this man, and want the relationship to work, and you see a way forward with him as the earner, try go for it.

Otherwise it is doomed, and you will need to muster the strength to get out.

His behaviour is NOT nice. But, he could have immense stresses in HIS job, which he is not telling you about, and which makes him act out of character (over such extended period it nearly becomes his character)

Either that, or he is a bastard.

(ok, I am trying to be kindhearted towards him) Good Luck

FAQinglovely · 10/02/2009 10:28

QS speaks a lot of sense in her last post.

There can definitely be a strong element of acting "out of character" becoming their character

expatinscotland · 10/02/2009 10:45

I would not want to be a SAHM with such a controlling partner. Really wouldn't.

If she thinks she feels pressure now, imagine if she became a SAHM, I wonder what rings of fire he'd design for her to jump through to prove she's 'earning her keep'?

He doesn't want to go to Relate, go yourself! Why? Because he's already worn you down so much you doubted yourself so much you started a thread here to ascertain whether or not you're contributing enough.

A person who's not been worn down by abusive behaviour wouldn't even have to ask herself that, she'd know right away he's talking out his arse.

mamas12 · 10/02/2009 12:13

He is controlling you and it will be worse if you are a sahm. It happenned to me. xh wanted me to work to 'contribute' to the family then he wanted me to look after the dc at the same time so how was I supposed to do that? He even commandeered money given to me (proaceeds from a house sale with my sister) to buy himself a jeep because @he needed it! It was a great mind fuck from which I have recovered. He even had my friend come check up on my ability to manage my financial affairs after I divorced him. He had convinced her I would crash and burn. But I am manageing alright thank you.
You can do it too you know that. Good luck with you much need change in your life.

lessonlearned · 10/02/2009 19:44

mamas12, that's it exactly - when you can't do right for doing wrong and you know every effort you make will be met with an even more impossible demand.
It makes you realise that they are revelling in your discomfort so why not save your energy for getting a life of your own!
The trouble with this is it can absolutely enrage them and they cannot maintain the illusion of your inadequacy any more if they don't have control. Some of these bastardsmen don't let go easily!

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