Another bloody row about my lack of financial contribution....I am going to put it all down here and please give me your HONEST opinions!!!

[notanicepersonnow]

Myself and DP (not so dear at present!) are having problems, of various sorts in our relationship. I have just spent a few days away from home with Ds as was worn out with the constant friction.

Anyway, this evening we ended up having another row about various things and Dp has YET AGAIN started critisising me about what he percieves as my non contribution, in my honest opinion I do contribute loads both financially and in other ways and his total in-ability to accept this and maybe even BE GRATEFUL for what I do is driving a sever wedge between us. So ladies......

I work as apart time nurse and take home approx 1250 pm. He has a much better paid job and takes home about 2200 permonth.

I contribute per month
£250 to Mortgage (I pay half what he does)
£300 to the childcare (half total monthly bill)
£160 to food (but in fact more as I top up twice a week, probably another £100 per month)
£18 Internet
£approx 50 average per month on hols- for example have just booked Cp for later this year and have paid for that all myself, £200
£All DS's clothes, toys, party gifts etc, say £75 pm average

I also have to keep up with

£185 car loan (DP has company car)
£38 insurance/tax
£120 petrol (my job involves some travelling)
£20 pm professional subs

So That is a basically all my income, but still DP feels I am not doing right by our family. I have offered to go back to work full time but he does not want that as it will cost 'him' more in childcare and he isnt keen on me topping up my earnings with weekend bank/agency work as that would involve him looking after DS one to one!!!!!!

Because I have no money left over at all, I am living on my overdraft and anthing I need ie denstist, a few clothes, occasional (shock cheap lunch out or a book, you get the picture.

Im angry and demoralised, please tell me should I be or am I being unrealistic/ am I going wrong somewhere!!!???

Herbea
the CP hols is Centreparcs, Ds loves it!

Dp says his relationship is very important to him but is very suspisious and 'anti' counselling. he has his reasons I suppose but given the chance I would jump at it as I need to feel I am doing/have done all I can to give Ds the family I never had ...

actually, if you were single, even if you worked FT, you might be better off, you'd get Child Tax Credit, for one.

and looking back, flatmates were a lot less hassle than a 'partner' like this - no guilt trips about 'you're not contributing enough'.

NNPN - you are not being unreasonable. My ex undermined my confidence to the point where I did not know whether my expectations of what goes on in a loving relationship were unreasonable - but somewhere deep down I knew that they weren't. You feel it too. I think the responses you've been getting from other MNers confirm your feelings.

I didn't have a child with my ex, I don't know what I would have done if we had had children. (However, leaving him was still scarey at the time). But I don't think you can go on living with someone if there are such fundamental cracks in the relationship. Sooner or later, the sh*t hits the fan - so possibly better to address the issues now whilst you could maybe support yourself and your DS (if necessary), rather than 5 or 10 years down the line when your self-confidence is further eroded, or when you are perhaps responsible for more children (!)

If he won't go to Relate, can you get someone to mind your LO for a full day so you can sit down and have a frank and open talk with your DP?

How about going to Relate by yourself? You might find it helpful and will show you DH just how seriously you feel your marriage is threatened.

have you actually shown him the maths and asked him what the fuck he wants you to contribute towards?

I don't understand anyone who says their relationship is important to them, but then refuses to take any practical steps to improve it. I really don't. Why are so many people so terrified of giving up one hour a week for six weeks or whatever, that they are prepared to risk their homes, marriages and families in order to avoid it? It is bizarre. He says his relationship is important to him - words are cheap- what's he doing to show that it is?

Have you actually told him how miserable you feel about this and how attractive becoming a single mother is looking right now? some people need the threat of their relationship ending, before they can bestir themselves to make any effort whatsoever to make it better.

Stop working on actual pounds.

Work out the percentages.

What percentage of your income do you spend on mortgage, etc, etc, etc.

What percentage of his income does he spend on mortgage, etc, etc

Take out the £ and put in the % and see how it looks then.

If someone has a pound and they put all that in the pot, they are contributing far more than someone who has £100 and puts £50 in.

I cannot understand people who have his and her money. Lend me some money is something I can't ever imagine saying to my spouse. Whatever happened to "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" ??

Hecate - never had that bit in my wedding vows that I can recall - for rich or poorer, sickness health, blah blah blah - but nothing about worldy goods

we work it out on percentages for all joint expenditure,then individual accounts.

The figures speak for themselves, no?

How does he suggest you contribute more?

FAQ - we always joke that we only have good times ahead because we've done Poorer, Sickness and Worse, so we've just got Richer, Health and Better to come.

Was it you that had an issue some time ago that your dh wanted a new (flash) car and you had battered all car with a broken window, so you were freezing your guts off while driving to and from work, and your dp would not pay anything towards a new car for you, as he had his eyes on a new car for himself?

Sorry, for bringing it up if it isnt you.(well, I hope it isnt) But if it is, you have to think long and hard how important YOU are to him.

Anyway. My dh and I have always had very different financial positions to eachother. We set it up in the way that all bills, in fact all expenses are going out from my account standing order/direct debit etc. ALL money (except some ME money for my dh) goes into my account. This way, we dont know who contributes what, but everything is paid, and we both have some pennies to play with at the end of the month. But I get all the money, because I spend it all on our family.

We do have separate accounts & both have separate responsibilities for outgoings (eg. I pay the mortgage, he gets the weekly shop & all car expenses etc).

It's only because we ended up with £k in bank charges when we had a joint account (since reclaimed ) - we both had a tendency to go shopping at the end of the month so ended up spending the money twice!

But it's still 'both' our money - I might ask dh to 'lend' me £100 to tide me over till payday because I had a boozy girly weekend away at the back end of January in a 5 week month, but neither of us expects me to pay it back.

It comes down to: if he feels you aren't contributing enough to the financial pot, what is he suggesting you do?

Because if he were saying: do more hours/re-train for a better paid job, then that's one thing & might or might not be reasonable - but it all sounds like it's got more to do with putting you down tbh...

sorry, but what exactly does he expect you to do???

he's being really selfish. i don't earn anything and my dh never begrudges me spending money. it's OUR money. i'm at home so that he can go and work, further his career and i'm making the sacrifices by not furthering my career but staying with the kids. that's WORTH something.

He's being unreasonable. I've been full time SAHM since birth of first ds 5 yrs ago but the money DH earns fromhis job is "our" money. Agree with previous posters that you should pool resources. Nothing wrong with having separate finances for buying pressies etc., etc but no point having a go at you and your earnings if he wouldn't want you to go out and earn more anyway!!!

Goodness me.

Why don't you just go out to work full time, doubling your financial contribution, then present him with the huge nursery bill?!

He can't tell you you're not allowed to work full time because he needs you to provide him with free childcare.

What an %&£*!

When I first moved in with my DH (then merely my bf) he earned twice my salary. At first I paid half the rent then a proportion of everything else. Once we got a mortgage we got a joint account and paid in the same percentage of our salary each month. His contribution was greater than mine in £ yet he still had far more in "his" pot left that I did, 'cos he had so many £ to start with.

We've used this system, in various forms over the years, although we moved to salaries going into joint pot and joint pot handing out "pocket money". That's varied from £250 a month to the current £10 . My DH has always been a firm believer in what's his (or mine!) is ours, even before we had children, fortunately.

If he wanted to sort out the problem there are many ways you can divide the dosh fairly without putting all his money in a joint a/c with you.

This is outrageously unreasonable.

Explain to him that you're both 100% responsible for care of your ds, not 75-25 or even 50-50.

Then I suggest you get married as you will legally have rights to all his assets then

Would you honestly want to marry someone like this?!

I wouldn't even want to go out to dinner with a chap like this.

He'd probably spend the entire evening pricing every bite and sip.

Your dp is a mean-minded tightarse! You have a CHILD together fgs! Not a commodity, a child, otherwise known as a human being for whom he is half responsible! And you are the mother of his child, he needs to show you some respect!
Honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship? He earns wadloads more than you and is NOT contributing fairly, you must be feeling horribly resentful!
What is in this relationship for you? Or for your ds?

OMG, I did go out with someone who took me to this fabulous restaurant. He then proceeded to drone on and on about how expensive it all was, which was so tacky.

Thing was, he was extremely loaded.

MadameDeathStare