Another bloody row about my lack of financial contribution....I am going to put it all down here and please give me your HONEST opinions!!!

[notanicepersonnow]

Myself and DP (not so dear at present!) are having problems, of various sorts in our relationship. I have just spent a few days away from home with Ds as was worn out with the constant friction.

Anyway, this evening we ended up having another row about various things and Dp has YET AGAIN started critisising me about what he percieves as my non contribution, in my honest opinion I do contribute loads both financially and in other ways and his total in-ability to accept this and maybe even BE GRATEFUL for what I do is driving a sever wedge between us. So ladies......

I work as apart time nurse and take home approx 1250 pm. He has a much better paid job and takes home about 2200 permonth.

I contribute per month
£250 to Mortgage (I pay half what he does)
£300 to the childcare (half total monthly bill)
£160 to food (but in fact more as I top up twice a week, probably another £100 per month)
£18 Internet
£approx 50 average per month on hols- for example have just booked Cp for later this year and have paid for that all myself, £200
£All DS's clothes, toys, party gifts etc, say £75 pm average

I also have to keep up with

£185 car loan (DP has company car)
£38 insurance/tax
£120 petrol (my job involves some travelling)
£20 pm professional subs

So That is a basically all my income, but still DP feels I am not doing right by our family. I have offered to go back to work full time but he does not want that as it will cost 'him' more in childcare and he isnt keen on me topping up my earnings with weekend bank/agency work as that would involve him looking after DS one to one!!!!!!

Because I have no money left over at all, I am living on my overdraft and anthing I need ie denstist, a few clothes, occasional (shock cheap lunch out or a book, you get the picture.

Im angry and demoralised, please tell me should I be or am I being unrealistic/ am I going wrong somewhere!!!???

So true Herbeat.
Puts you right off.

Whilst I would suggest pooling everything I realise that doesn't work for all couples therefore it seems the fairest way for you to do it would be proportionally.
Personally I still don't think that is fair as you are only able to work part-time because of what he has dictated but each to their own. You should work it out so at the end of the month you both have the same pocket money to spend.

YY - is a very unattractive quality, meanness.

#2The idea that because of this, he has more 'me' money than me is frankly astounding. "

agree there, when DH and I were together we argued about lots of things, but rarely about money. That's because we split the bills so that we had equal amounts left at the end of each month (except I got the better deal as I paid for things such as school stuff and grocery shopping - both of which often came in udner the amount budgetted for them )

why are you paying for work-related travel? You should be claiming that back as expenses every month

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

Have you thought about going to Relate for some counselling. I suggest this as I was in a similar situation in a previous relationship. Even though there was a huge disparity in our incomes, my ex expected me to contribute equally into the household - with the result that I had no money for any small personal expenses, no savings, and some debts.

It was impossible not to extrapolate this "tit for tat" aspect of our relationship into every other part of our lives - eventually it was impossible not to resent doing something - anything - for him because the relationship had always been about matching contributions. I felt that we were in a business rather than a loving relationship.

In my heart I knew that that was not the way I wanted to live my life. I believe that you have to throw all your available assets into a common pot and share them. Sometimes someone is out of work, or ill, or needs to be cut some slack; other times someone's contribution is not financial but is still essential to the healthy running of the household (e.g. childcare, shopping, cooking etc.)

We had some counselling, and the advice we received was that often money issues are a sign of other underlying problems between a couple, for example, a lack of trust, commitment etc. This was definitely the case for us, and we eventually split up. Best thing I ever did, but might not be the right thing for you two. However, don't stick your heads in the sand if you can help it. If you are unhappy with the way things are, try and talk, possibly with someone who can mediate and work out a solution to your problem. If you have a LO it is definitely worth investing the time now in your relationship.

Hope it works out for you.

YANBU. Sounds like he is bullying you - why is the question - and why do you stand for it? Though you did say, you've taken time out - has he repented at all?

Of course he's 'better' with money than you - HE HAS MORE !!!!!

It's fecking easy to be good with money when you've got 500 quid to play with at the end of the month while your wife runs up her overdraft feeding you.

Bonjour, I do get some of my mileage paid but it doesn't cover the cost of my actual petrol. Also I work about 25 miles from home, not out of choice but because I work in a bit of a specialist field and nowt like that near my home, unfortunately.

we have a joint account that mortgage,bills,etc.then individual accounts.

i have always been financially independent,earned my own money. my preference is to have my money.it doesnt mean i am not cohesive or in a transient relationship.

LOL @ moondog

agree with the one-pot argument. you;re a team, a unit. you both contribute - in terms of money, household jobs, looking after kids etc. it's the same as with time. the only way to be fair is to split the spare in half.

you are offering solutions and he's rejecting them - I would be a bit suspicious that - despite his moans - he actually quite likes the current situation because it delivers a power imbalance. You really need to ask yourself - and dh - if he's genuinely interesting in a partnership that involves 2 equals. if he is then you need to work out how to get to that - because it doesn't sound like what you have at the moment.

I don't get why it's YOU that's struggling paying for your car, surely it's US? If dh needed a new car, WE would be paying for it. He might be better with money but his 'argument' makes absolutely no sense.

And LittleBella is right, being a curmudgeonly tight-arse is distinctly unsexy and uncool.

He sounds tight and mean and a partnership is meant to be just that.

I would have a big talk about where this bitterness is coming from. You both contribute to a pot when you are a family IMO, this doesn't mean he gets a bigger spoon.

For the second time tonight, we have another cock lodger alert going out.

I mean, you paid for all the CP holiday he's going on?

He's cock lodging.

Yes the fact that he is alarmed by your solution - financial equality by working full time - is a very strong indicator that he actually loves this situation - him in control and making you feel like shit.

And mean to boot. I so don't fancy him.

Smellen

we are having other problems, and as you say the finsncial thing is probably a symptom rather than the root cause, I have suggested Relate but DP doesn't want to go!

Sometimes I yearn to be singlre again, it would mean I would have to go back to work if not full time then near enough which makes me feel sad (probably more for myself than Ds as he absolutely bloves his nursery lol!!)

It would be a struggle and that scares me SO MUCH having seen my mum struggle for years financially. but on flip side I would at least be 'mistress' of my destiny.

Am just so confused, but thanks SO MUCH for all the replies it is so so helpful that other people don't think I am an unreasonable cow.

What's a CP holiday btw?

honest opinion???

you are a fool if you think that this is the way to be a family.

a family does not have 'my money, you money', a family has OUR MONEY.

anything other than those thoughts, sorry, tis not a family, tis a lodging partnership.

I pity people who live like this

Why doesn't he want to go to relate?

Is his relationship not important to him?

I hope you are claiming the child benefit for yourself

Why don't you start charging him for the childcare you do?

Seems overwhelmingly that he is being a tosser.

We have one pot, even though I work part-time and DH works full-time. It all goes into one pot and I do most of the spending. I also siphon off a percentage of my salary into an ISA, an obviously that is in my name, but it is still our money.

I do have friends who split the bills 50/50 an maintain separate bank accounts, even down to borrowing money from each other. Fine, it works for them.

But clearly your method doesn't work for you, and that is the difference.

I would be absolutely horrified if my DP questioned my financial contribution. Tell him to stop being such a wanker.