Another bloody row about my lack of financial contribution....I am going to put it all down here and please give me your HONEST opinions!!!

[notanicepersonnow]

Myself and DP (not so dear at present!) are having problems, of various sorts in our relationship. I have just spent a few days away from home with Ds as was worn out with the constant friction.

Anyway, this evening we ended up having another row about various things and Dp has YET AGAIN started critisising me about what he percieves as my non contribution, in my honest opinion I do contribute loads both financially and in other ways and his total in-ability to accept this and maybe even BE GRATEFUL for what I do is driving a sever wedge between us. So ladies......

I work as apart time nurse and take home approx 1250 pm. He has a much better paid job and takes home about 2200 permonth.

I contribute per month
£250 to Mortgage (I pay half what he does)
£300 to the childcare (half total monthly bill)
£160 to food (but in fact more as I top up twice a week, probably another £100 per month)
£18 Internet
£approx 50 average per month on hols- for example have just booked Cp for later this year and have paid for that all myself, £200
£All DS's clothes, toys, party gifts etc, say £75 pm average

I also have to keep up with

£185 car loan (DP has company car)
£38 insurance/tax
£120 petrol (my job involves some travelling)
£20 pm professional subs

So That is a basically all my income, but still DP feels I am not doing right by our family. I have offered to go back to work full time but he does not want that as it will cost 'him' more in childcare and he isnt keen on me topping up my earnings with weekend bank/agency work as that would involve him looking after DS one to one!!!!!!

Because I have no money left over at all, I am living on my overdraft and anthing I need ie denstist, a few clothes, occasional (shock cheap lunch out or a book, you get the picture.

Im angry and demoralised, please tell me should I be or am I being unrealistic/ am I going wrong somewhere!!!???

Your DP is using the finance thing to be abusive and i'm not surprised you are apart because of it.
It also does not surprise me that he's 'suspicious' of counselling - suspicious my arse - he's trying to isolate you from seeking a balanced view because he knows that he is abusive.
I'm glad you are here asking for other opinions so here's mine. This is an abusive relationship, he is systematically robbing you of your self esteem. This relationship has a big* red flag!!!

This is about power and control and currently he's holding most of that. You haven't really expanded on the other problems within your relationship but the money issue itself is a big red flag.

If he won't go to Relate - suspicious of counselling my arse - then go on your own.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

I don't understand what he expects you to do. He doesn't want you to work longer hours so you can earn more, but he's fed up you're not earning enough. WTF?? Perhaps he should write to Alan Johnson and get him to increase nurses salaries, because apart from that there's no other way you're going to be able to earn more without working longer hours.

I've only just skimmed the thread -- just wanted to suggest calling relate. I know it may not seem like it's necessary to call in the cavalry, but they are really good at helping couples find a way of communicating sensibly about highly charged issues like money.

Good luck.

I dont understnd what exactly he wants you to do? I've skimmed the thread, apologies if I missed it.

He doesnt think you are contributing enough (even though by the looks of things everything is covered),

He doesnt want you to work any more hours

He doesnt want to support you

Can you put the ball in his court and ask him, in his fucking fantasy ideal world, just exactly what he wants.

Honestly, I cant understand how you can live with a man who is so vile to you, and clearly has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. I know that you love him, but sweetheart, you deserve so so much more than this, someone who see's you as an equal, who loves and supports you no matter what.

Heres a thing - if you were heaven forbid to have an accident, or become very ill, and were unable to work, the forseeable future/forever, then what then? Would he support you? Would he look after you? Would he grudge you every single penny?

Sorry if I seem harsh, I'm angry, I was angry when I read you other posts, the anger isnt directed at tyou though, you seem like a lovely person who deserves a whole lot more.

I echo what everyone else has said - even if you're not married, you're a family, a partnership.

It doesn't make sense to me that he's got £500 left every month (even if he does put it back into the house) if you're living in an overdraft.

skimmed thread, he is a tightwad. He wont go to councelling imo because he is too mean to pay. What more does he want you to pay for. I bet he resents the 60 he has to fork out for soft play, lunches etc. Money is a huge hurdle to get over. YOu are married ffs, not flatmates. I dont contribute at all (SAHM. DH pays for the lot including me starting private college this year without a bat of his eyelid. I run the house, he brings home the bacon! You are running a house and bringing home bacon too!

Nothing else much to say that hasn't already been said here except aaaaargh!

Of course you are contributing! When I saw the thread title I thought you were going to say you were a sahm and he was moaning about that. You are giving more than your fair share in many ways and if he's not careful his attitude is going to rot your relationship if it hasn't already.

If my xh had even made a sincere effort to contribute regualarly (no matter how little) financially (and I don't mean selling a few bits and bobs on ebay) to the household even before dc I might have retained more respect for him.

Time to get tough. Stand up to him and tell him he's talking out of his backside and it's getting very boring.

You did say there were other issues so I don't know how much weight this one carries in your relationship but I would start to not like someone very much who treated me like that when you so clearly are contributing let alone love them.

I think this is indicative of other issues already going on in the relationship - am I guessing right NANPN?
He has you in a no win situation as far as his financial demands but I imagine that's not all. This red flags a very abusive situation and I would be surprised that this is the only form of abuse the you have been subjected to.
This man will only wear you down and destroy your self worth - that is his ultimate aim. Of course he doesn't want to go to relate he is not going to give up any power and control.
He sounds like a narcissist IMHO.

Sorry, only skim-read this thread but WTF???? Forget the details. Why is your husband treating you like this? Are you not a family? A partnership? A couple^?

Bloody hell.

I had this with exH.

We always pooled money, usually with none left over. For a while I was earning more, so DH used to say I spent more, so it didn't count. Then his earnings overtook mine, and I was told I had to ask permission to spend even £10. As we could do with the money we discussed reduced maternity leave, in the end I had two weeks. Not a word of thanks, appreciation, nothing.

He's now an ex, incidentally.

OP - I think you should point out that actually, you're contributing more than the average, because 1250 per month is more than a lot of people take home from full time work!

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I have been thinking hard and the money is the tip of the iceberg.

I am going to write it all down because it helps me see things more clearly!

Other ways he does not support me

When I am ill (including when I had flu last year and was actually delirious with temp of 42 degrees) he refused to take time off work and shouted and carried on at me saying i was crap for even asking etc etc.

Fell down the stairs and badly injured my arm but thankfully didnt break it, he (again) screamed and shouted (all this in middle of night when I was in shock)saying why did bad things always happen to me and why couldnt i stop placing demands on him. he still insists that he reacted like this because he was 'asleep'.

I am default carer even on holidays/weekends, it has never been stated as such but he says things like i spend too much time on myself ie having a shower etc- that is all I bloody get to do.

If ds is ill and cannot go to nursery it has to be me that takes time off work even though my work is 'important' imo and causes disruption when |i am away. we went through about a year of me trying to reason/negotiate to change this but it causes so much stress I have now given in.

I am crap because I do not do enough around the house, ie DIY etc, that apparently places a lot of stress on Dp.

He has gone off sex with me and says its because he is 'scared' of me falling pregnant again. has also said i could do with losing weight (true but still hard to hear).

I know you will all say WTF are you doing with this man and i know, really, I need to get out. Just need to muster strength to do so.

My good Christ.

You surely cannot wannt to live like this? Does he accept that his demands on you are abhorrant?

I'm really sorry but he sounds like a complete arsehole. IMO, he's treating you and your DS like you're both inconvenient drains on his time and money. I just don't think I could put up with someone like that.

I really hope you can somehow work things so you're happier, whether that means getting out of this relationship or giving him a good hard kick until he starts acting a bit nicer.

I think that it's only when you come out of a bad relationship like this opne that you see just how de-humanising some partners can be.

I do hope that you find some happiness in the future but your current relationship sounds very sad indeed. Life doesn't have to be that way. I found the stress of leaving my first partner and the drudge of being skint/starting over a pleasure as I didn't have the toxic presense around me any more.

Good luck.

NANPN, I hope you will come back and tell us if the opinions here have helped to affirm your pov or if you feel that there's any hope to reconcile your differences with DP.
Financial abuse played a huge part in my life with exH.
Like you I felt my contribution would never be accepted by him (also working/ bringing up DCs/ doing all the decorating,gardening, housework).
In the begining I was earning the most and it was a joint decision for him to invest in his career while I sacrificed mine. I did this because I felt sorry for him (he said he had a medical problem which prevented him from physical labour) and wanted to boost his self esteem in the hope he would be a happier person. This arrogance of mine was all he needed to fuel his narcissism.
The final stroke came as I pointed out that if he wanted a fair analysis of the assets we brought to the partnership, then the inheritance I would recieve when my parents died could be considered to offset any percieved 'deficit'. His response was to attack my parents and deliver the ultimatum for me to cut them out of our lives. When I called him on this, he went to them after we had split up (behind my back) and tried to get them to cut me off. He was almost succesful as I had not revealed the full horror of what he was doing to save them any worry and pain. God know's what lies he was feeding them, but it all came out that he would go to any lengths to maintain his illusion of supremacy in order to keep me down.
The last few years of my parents lives were blighted by this evil, however I rebuilt my career and at last I am in a good place. His career has gone from strength to strength too, and he is a high earner. I remember when he left that he said "you will never survive without me", little did I know the depths he would plumb to try to ensure his prediction.

my God lessonlearned, your post made my blood run cold.

i think i must have had a very sheltered life, i had no idea people could be like that

If ever there was a thread that made me glad I am single then this is it.

Bamboo, I also had no idea either, which is why he had the upper hand all along. I spent years asking "why" and trying to work it all out - how he laughed. Of course I am glad that I was once so innocent and I wish I could have remained so but reality bit me on the bum bigtime.
The only reason I retell my story is so that other nice innocent women have a chance to see that abuse is often a package. It can sometimes be that a partner loses control, and I don't deny this can be dangerous, however some people want to keep control at all costs and will go to any lenggths to maintain the illusion. I say illusion because in the end we are all equal, some just abuse power.
I do hope that your DP is not in this league, NANPN, but it's worth considering how far he might go, when you are obviously spinning all the plates in this relationship already.

NANPN - I really sympathise with your situation. Any income coming in should be treated as family income and not "his" or "hers". However his attitude over this is an excuse to perhaps cover a number of other issues - something that you have mentioned yourself. My ex-H had the same attitude towards money i.e. refused to see income as joint, I was the higher wage earner and paid for a lot, whilst he frittered £400 a month on booze & fags. I fell down the stairs once and ex-H came running running out the bedroom thinking it was one of the DCs, but when he realised it was me, he didn't ask me if I was OK, he just went straight back to bed! It wasn't even late at night but at 10.30 in the morning after he had a good nights sleep! Anyway quite simply you do need to discuss the money thing with him and write down your outgoings against your incomings so he can see you have no money left and suggest if he wants you to bring in more then he will have to look after DC at the weekends while your doing bank work or overtime. As for your other issues, i.e. sex etc you will need to talk to him to try and work through your problems, best to tackle these issues now then let them cause a unbreakable wedge in your relationship. Hope you manage to sort everything out!

YANBU, I'd tell your DP that he either accepts he might have to pay more into running the house (albeit its the same % wise) or he looks after the child he helped create while you work extra hours! if he's not prepared to do that then maybe you'd be better off without him as it sounds like he resents having a family which is a real shame.
My DP and I live together and I work full time and my DP is a full time student, he at times feels guilty for not contributing financially to the family but as I say its not about the money its about the quality time we spend together and the fact that I know he'd do the same for me if I wasn't working.

hope you are okay OP

I hear similar arguments from my dh, although he rarely voices them this openly. Before I returned to work after ds, we each had separate accounts and contributed to the finances as and when. Then my income stopped (mat leave) and resumed at a reduced level when I went back pt. At that point having subsidised everything from my savings as I had no income, I insisted that we changed the way we operate our finances. Now all our salary goes straight into the joint account. We pay ourselves each the same monthly allowance to be spent as we see fit. All bills come out of the joint pot.

This has made things so much easier. dh contributes about 3 times as much a month as I do and I do still get the occasional hint that he believes it is all 'his' money, but I think he knows he's really in the wrong & would not now change things. He manages the savings - he has far more of an interest in looking for the best places to put our money, or renegotiate bills etc.

I'd highly recommend pooling everything as we did. And that includes putting your car bills through the joint pool.

i'd tell him to fuck right off and chuck him out - opronto - truth is, if he really wants to be with you he will talk reasonably at 'crunch' time, otherwise hes a twat