Right, listen up everybody.

[RealityIsMyOnlyValentine]

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

It’s not as easy as just leaving sometimes, I’m in that situation now, I’m very unhappy but I can’t afford to leave

Some people can't afford to leave, have nowhere to go and no friends or family who can help. Leaving can mean homelessness and losing everything.

Appreciate your post!

I’ve never posted on here b4 so not sure how it works but I need to talk so my ex husband has told me he still loves me and always will and had started to become really intentive towards me again over the last few months so 1 thing lead to another after a night of him confessing how he felt the next day I find out he has a new girlfriend and has chosen that very next day to introduce her 2 our kids out in the family home we build and shared 2gether

I wish I had read this 3 years ago. I still struggle to come to terms with the abuse I went through and I still constantly blame myself. I have PTSD and have recently had a major set back. An abusive relationship is not normal. I think your idea of teaching teens about loving healthy relationships is amazing!

This is wonderful xx

I read this by chance today and it hit home. My marriage is finished ...he is a liar and a thief..an alcoholic. My son mirrors this behaviour . And enough is enough. So..thankyou.. my day will be powered by positivity and my trip to the solicitor coloured by these very words. Thankyou.

Thank you so much for this, I really needed to hear this right now

Standing ovation 🙅🏻‍♀️

Ameen

I agree 100% with everything.
However what do you do when you yourself have made decisions in your life like having 5 kids or unexpected circumstances occur like one of them having a disability which makes leaving next to impossible?
I can barely cope on my own as it is, leaving will mean no support from dcs dad, its a chore for him as it is, and parents support won't be there.
I probably could do it on my own as a single parent but I'm sooo tired with life in general that it doesn't seem worth the effort

Yes I agree great post
My husband a white but to scared all my life to leave I'm now 65 how sad am i

Thank you so much. I needed to read this

Why didn't I have someone to say this to me 10 years ago?

well said

I'm after some advice .
I've been in a relationship with a man for three years and i can't remember the last time we had sex.

God, I needed to read that today. Thank you OP

I wish I had realised all this before it was too late for me. I wish my friends had said this to me.

Oh wow given the crazy few days I've had leaving an abusive man, id like to say thank you and I love this post very much x

This is a fabulous post which I have read many, many times. Abuse can be very subtle and abusers are clever. They hone in on your weak points and then use them to take advantage of you or your particular situation. A typical scenario appears to be a 'full on' approach at the beginning with 'love bombing' and promises that no-one will ever love you like they do. My soon to be ex used this latter approach and I can now see it as yet another tactic of manipulation. They don't really love you - they want to own you. When I was at my lowest points soon to be ex would still not back down or take me seriously. It was yet another situation to be exploited. He pretended he wanted to be 'friends' but good friends want the best for each other and are prepared to let go if necessary. I was drinking too much as a (not very helpful) way of self-medication and soon to be ex started to define me by my drinking, never bothering to go any deeper. At no point was he able or willing to look at his own 'stuff' - yet I was held up to impossible standards.

If you have just come out of an abusive relationship (well done, by the way!) then the very worst thing to do is get into another heavy relationship. You will be vulnerable and have a lot of healing to do. Anyone who respects you will understand this and allow you to set the pace. They will be able to see you as an individual, not an object or extension of themselves. They will want you to be happy and will want to enhance that happiness, not erode it.

From the outside my marriage looked successful compared to many others but from the moment I married I gave up my identity and allowed soon to be ex to take the starring role. Having children cements the relationship in some ways but can also exacerbate traditional gender stereotypes. Traditionally, the role of a wife and mother has often been seen as one where her husband and children's needs come first. It can be difficult to break away from this role, even when the children grow up. If this happens then the cycle continues down the next generation with adult children with an over-inflated sense of entitlement and an inability to accept change in relationships.

A respectful partner will cherish you as the unique person you are. Your weaknesses and strengths are unique to you and make you the person you are. Having said that, a really good relationship can make you want to be a better version of yourself - you value what you have so much that you want to continue with self-development for the benefit of both of you.

It's the most difficult thing in the world to leave a partner who is abusive, especially if not overtly so. From the outside, things look fine and the abuser works hard to conceal his or her true identity so that the other person can be made to seem 'the bad guy' for 'hurting their feelings' The guilt that a person can feel when trying to leave can be used as a powerful tool to induce feelings of shame.

I found joining supportive groups very helpful - abusers tend to want to isolate you. Spend time with as many supportive people as possible. Even if it is too difficult to leave an abusive relationship at the moment, spending a lot of time with other supportive people will help balance the situation and make you feel stronger so that when you are ready you can position yourself to finally leave.

This: There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you

This simply isn't true.

I'm totally behind this thread, but its simply untrue that paragraph. People won't believe you, police won't necessarily and might wonder/ask what you did to provoke him, judges won't see, cafcass will support his rights as a father and not see through his abusive manipulations, men DO kill themselves, and take the kids with them!

Emotional abusive can in a flash escalate to very violent and lethal abuse. Women who are unlucky enough to find themselves in more than one abusive relationship are still NOT to be and don't go out looking to be knocked around, there are high numbers of abusive men.

And as this is MN and about abuse, the vast, vast majority is perpetrated by entitled patriarchal society males.

I read the OP and couldn't read all the pages of contributions, I assume some have posted personal experiences and for all the women and children who have or are experiencing this and [unMN hugs].

If we follow the train of thought that you can't make someone abusive, which is the non-victim-blaming way to go, then that's all there is. Not recognising it early, or happening into multiple abusive relationships still doesn't make abuse your fault, but some education around 'the dominator' is really worthwhile, and the same course is available on-line to spot some of the traits and red-flags to watch for. Women from abusive and non-abusive chilldhoods are no predictor of being unlucky enough to land one as an adult. It's very common for an abuser to use those childhood abuses again, and to emphasise thats the survivors fault.

Warmest wishes to all

...and there ARE many reasons to stay [or more accurately, be trapped] in an abusive relationships, this biggest ones fearing for yours and the lives of your children if you dare escape, try to plan escape and get caught out, or get lured back again and again.

There is huge inequality between the sexes in abuse, its mean that are kilking 2/3 women every week, so can us women please not feel that men HAVE to be included in everything. And of the men killed, in the vast majority of cases its other men that are killing them (like 98%).

• NOT to blame (not NOT to be?!?!)

It's an insult to hear words like 'stay' and 'leave' and we need to remove them from abuse terminology, its trapped, and escaping that properly describe the acts involved. One woman 'left' her abusive husband of 26 years, who she didn't feel scared of, when she popped back to pick up legal docs on her own, unafraid, he shot her dead, and himself.