Weekend from hell...need to RANT then i'll be ok lol VV Long Sorry

[BlueSapphire77]

DS starts grizzling over something (can't be hunger after he's been hanging off and chewing my tits constantly almost since he was born ) DP asks if i would like him to pull over so i can give DS a dummy.
...Horror of all horrors, no dummy to be found anywhere. Oh well
Until i get a look @ DP face..(like a bosted pisspot as my grandad would say) "Why didn't you bring a fucking dummy, you stupid cunt"
No.. i am not joking.
This was followed by a very angry pulling off and quick gear changes which nearly ripped my head off, (so i'm thinking about DS who is in a rear facing car seat, and only 2 weeks old.. still floppy neck stage) and thinking about the bawling and hooting of the night before about kids and safety.
So when we get to shopping centre, he yelled at me that we would go home if i 'carried on' .. must have looked upset or something.. and stomps off with DSS in tow, leaving me to put DS in baby carrier which didn't got to plan exactly as i couldn't balance baby in mid air and do up the clips. DSD stood clinging to me saying 'I don't like it when daddy shouts at you' and a mixture of sadness and frustration overtook me and i burst into tears.
Ten mins and a ciggie later, i managed to balance DS on my knee and do up clips with quite a bit of contortionism and wailing baby noises, walked into shopping centre to find DP, found him, resisted urge to strangle, and walked round with kids clinging to hands and DP chatting to me like nothing had happened.
Brought DS and kids some clothes. Brought kids two DS games. Went to McDonalds. Put bag of baby clothes down on floor. Finished Food, DP left to 'look' at laptops in another shop, kids and me get up five mins later and leave, and left someone with a lovely bag of baby clothes as forgot to pick up bag

Walk into currys to find that DP who constantly claims to be skint and didn't buy me an xmas pressie has brought a new laptop on a sodding 40 quid a month contract. Still not realised at this point that i have left 50 quids worth of baby clothes for some shit bag to pick up, we all toddle off to other shops. I'm feeling like my arse is going to drop off or all my insides are going to slither out if i don't sit down VERY soon, so make noises to this effect at DP who insists the last place we are going to is sports shop then camping shop on way out.
2 hours later we finally leave when i start limping because of the pain and (sorry for the tmi) blood is coming out of me in what feels like torrents, and i felt like i was going to pass out.
Get in car and take kids back home to DP's sisters. En route DP asks me to put a cd away which i do, only to be shouted at when i put the case away "What the FUCK are you doing, i said i wanted the other cd, you don't listen to a WORD i fucking say do you"

DS has been golden (as have kids due to very long day buying stuff for mr selfish) and wakes up for a feed after 5/6 hours just as we get to SIL's.
NOW i feel i must point out i love SIL to bits, she's lovely, but it must be a thoughtless gene that runs through the family. After feeding DS until he fell asleep, i was hoping to go home and finish round 2 of feeding without being bitten due to kissing of head ect. She held DS while DP was on laptop and i was having a much wanted ciggie and announced that i 'can't have fed him properly, he still feels light, you're going to have to feed him again'
Must be the hormones but it came through as 'You're not feeding your baby properly'

So i've fed him again, cue all the cuddling, head kissing, elbowing, kids screaming and playing, bumping, arguing over who was going to sit by the baby/daddy/me (nipple biting at each of the above)
Feeling like they were about to drop off, i gave it up, and put a dummy in DS mouth until we left.
Get home, xbox on, DS stressy and mega grizzly because i'm stressy, refusing to feed properly which added to the comment from earlier made me feel upset and useless.. Cue another bout of tearfulness. Decided to cheer myself up by cuddling DS and checking out the new clothes i brought him ..found had lost them, tearfullness now turns to full on sobbing. In kitchen because DP is in living room on xbox and doesn't frigging care anyway. Tell DP about lost clothes, who then goes nuts and blames me for leaving them Sigh DS still fretting cos he knows i'm upset. Don't want to rant at DP about it because he will blame the fact we had the kids rather than look at his own behaviour and we don't have them often so don't want that to happen which is the same reason when he was ripping into me i didn't have a go back as didn't want to ruin kids weekend by arguing.

Weekend from hell ...hmph... ta for letting me moan anyway lol Feel better now!!

Fuck me. he is VILE

You poor, poor woman

Leave.

fgs bs, your op was quite shocking enough.... and now you let slip that he's also been sleeping around??? how long have you been with him? when did the cheating start?

BLuesapphire I would say you are either delusional or you have some kind of co-dependency thing going on - your saying that you see yourself as the one who can communicate with him and bring him out of the moods he gets into (paraphrasing) suggests to me that you think you are his only source of help and support and that you MUST Stand By Him because no one else has and YOU can do it because YOU are strong enough, whereas all his previous haven't been.

I can't believe you seriously think that one cuppa makes up for the weekend of shite you described. And you are still making light of it all, as though he were a naughty puppy but he didn't really mean it, did he. FGS! Wake up, please. If you choose to stay with him, that is your lookout but do it with your eyes OPEN. YOU cannot save him, it is up to HIM to make changes. And fast.

I'm bowing out of this thread....BlueSapphire, you are constantly making light of this situation and making jokes and it is horrible and sad to see you do it. Good men do not swear at the mother of their children in the way you report he did , and they do not treat you in the way you describe. You may not have reached a point where you can see it for what it is, and all the smileys and the lol-ling and the 'men - what are they like??! ' schtick is a form of denial in order to protect yourself for the truth.

It's really, really uncomfortable to read it.

I hope you take on board what people here are saying, and you take action.

I also agree with solidgold about the men who present themselves as 'victims' in previous relationships. If they say that they are just soooo loving and giving but they keep meeting women who use and abuse them.....RUN like f*!
They are fishing for suckers and you will be reeled in if they hook you!

maybe all of his other girlfriends and partners left him because of his cheating and verbal abuse.
Whilst it's easy to say leave when we are casual outsiders observing I appreciate that this may not be an available option for you. However whilst I do agree that arguing may not be the best way to deal with his bad behaviour he does need to made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable as soon as it happens.
If he calls you disgraceful names tell him he's being disgraceful, if he whinges about his breakfast remove it and don't make him another if he takes you shopping and you are bleeding get a taxi and go home and tell him why he is being a complete arse.
Start making plans to leave, do NOT feel like you have to save him, it's not your responsibility, it is his.
Life is so much better without belittling put downs.
Remember that children's opinions of the opposite sex are often formed by how they see their parents interact.
If all DS sees is a dad who thinks, and says 'mum is shit- or worse' then his own opinions of women can be coloured by that. You and your child deserve better.
Good luck with it all, I do think you'll need it.

omg

YOu poor love.

He might be better than your ex, but he is still horrible to you, isn't he? Do you know that's not normal - because it isn't. Being an arsehole isn't what normal men are about. It sounds like your dp doesn't like you very much.

Why is he being such a shit?

I'm so so sorry.

I would have thought that it won't be long until the abuse escalates into something physical.

BlueSapphire,

re your comment:-

"He's a man and therefore a work in progress"

Dear God, I could give you a good shake honestly. You certainly have some unhealthy codependency issues going on here - think he has some sort of svengali influence on you and your ex did as well. You have been conditioned both by the ex and now this lowlife to accept this as normal. I thought you saw him as some sort of project to rescue and or save - he is NOT yours to rescue and or save!. Going into a relationship with that sort of approach is doomed to failure.

Another thing as well, of course he was nice to you when you first met. They always are. Many abusers like him are plausible to the outisde world; it is only behind closed doors that his true nature emerges and has emerged. He has acted nice only to keep you dangling; again his true nature will soon emerge. He'll be soon complaining about your coffee cups. You were vulnerable then and still are - absuive men like him have radar for needy and emotionally vulnerable women like you to leech off of because no-one else would want them and tell them to get lost.

You've left one abusive relationship only now to end up in yet another one. You need to work on your own self to stop repeating these patterns because they will destroy you in the end. You plainly refuse to see and constantly deny what is staring you in the face and your children will suffer too. Its not just you any more who is suffering at his hands.

You need to read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Sad thing is you don't want to acknowledge the full truth, you just want to keep denying and being in your own little bubble.

If DP spoke to me like that his bollox wouldn't be there anymore, and i'd smash his xbox up in front of him.

It's another classic abuser behaviour to tell you that you are the only one who might be able to 'save' the scumbag from himself. YOu can't. He makes himself feel better by abusing you: that's what he means by 'needing' you. He will abuse you till you find the strength to leave, then he will find another woman, tell her that all his XPS (including you, by now) were treacherous selfish bitches who didnt understand, and then he will start slowly but surely abusing her. THis will not stop until he gest a sufficient wake-up call to change his ways - which will usually be that he kills one of his partners and goes to prison. No relationship can change him, because he fundamentally doesn't think that women are human beings so anything a 'woman' says to him can be discarded: either a good screw or a good kicking will shut her up. You can only save yourself and hopefully the DC by getting away from him.

show him this thread

Since Bluesapphire has said she was previously in an abusive relationship, perhaps that is part of the problem - her previous one might have been even worse than this one, so because it is a step up, she thinks she is onto a good thing.

one rung up the ladder out of the sewer is still in the sewer, BlueS. He might be better than t'other one but he's still shit.

the 'everybody' leaves me line is a CLASSIC.

brings out the mother/saviour in women.

it's a 'my love will make you happy where others didn't' scenario... OR 'i'll be the one who he'll change for....'

women lap that shit up.

how are you today bluesapphire? hope you're ok.

I'm sorry i didn't reply... haven't been near pc for 1 1/2 whole days

CFCF thank you for asking i'm fine

Will post when i don't have a baby tucked under my arm lol
xx

Yes, let us know your thoughts.

I'm still thinking of you BS.

i know u have just had a baby, but i am struggling to see any appeal to staying with it, sorry but cant call him a man! Good luck xx

"but you know how they get their feet under the table and turn monster.."

No, I do not. I have never seen this. Most Mumsnetters probably haven't. It is not the norm. This is not what everybody's marriage looks like.

I have been married 16 years, following a 10yr long engagement, and have never been made to feel that my man is a helpless creature who needs working on. I'd feel like a cradle snatcher if I did. My Mum has been married for 52 years and still has not found this.

You say you are willing to stay and teach him better and in a way I honour that- I have a lot of respect for the institution of marriage: I just can't see that you're actually doing that at the moment.

Taking him breakfast in bed when you are 2 weeks post-partum- what kind of signals are you actually sending him? I have to say I have never heard anything like it. When I had just had my baby, dh did everything to make life easier: he did the cooking after work, and the washing up, and took me breakfast in bed and still managed to find time to remind me what a wonderful job I was doing breast-feeding.

The idea of waiting on an able-bodied man when you are still bruised from child bearing and struggling to establish breastfeeding!!! No seriously, this is not normal! It really is not. And that is before we get to the abusive language.

I don't think we do men any favours by treating them as children. And I certainly would not want to be married to a toddler.

Not saying you have to walk out on him. But you really have to change your own expectations of what a man should be like.