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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you were the wife, would you feel the same?

126 replies

TheGoodLyfe · 31/01/2009 18:08

Just after christmas I was talking to one of the dads at school (who also happens to be my gym instructor) and he mentioned that he was due in work at 9.30am at a neighboring village. He doesn't drive so cycles and it is a fair distance, especially in the cold.

As it happens, I also work in this village on the day he does. I drive. So naturally I asked if he'd like a lift on these days. He accepted.

We have been doing this now for the past few weeks. Conversation tends to be limited to gym and gym ... and then perhaps a bit of gym.

So, I didn't see anything 'untoward' about this at all.

Anyway, last night I was approached by his wife at the gym who told me (nicely) that she wasn't happy with the set-up and had spoken to her husband about it who had agreed to cycle to work again instead. She said she wanted to tell me herself so that it didn't look like she was being nasty behind my back.

I'm a bit by it, surely she didn't think I was trying to steal her husband?? this is how it has come across and I'm mortified that anyone would think that of me I'm now wondering if I should find another gym which is a shame as I have made friends there now

Is she over-reacting or should I have known better?

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 31/01/2009 18:10

Unless he has form, she is overreacting. How rude.

Don't your dare move gyms!

Surfermum · 31/01/2009 18:11

No, I wouldn't. Your offer sounds like a perfectly normal and OK thing to do.

Olihan · 31/01/2009 18:11

I think she sounds a bit neurotic and jealous tbh. I'd be grateful if someone, anyone made my dh's life a bit easier.

Are you single? Do you have a reputation as a maneater ? Does she have any grounds on which to behave so bizarrely?

Perhaps he has history, which would explain it a bit more.

But not normal bahaviour imo.

AnarchyAunt · 31/01/2009 18:11

She is overreacting even if he does have form IMO.

OrmIrian · 31/01/2009 18:12

True anarchy. But I suppose in that case I might be a bit more understanding.

peanutbutterkid · 31/01/2009 18:13

Sounds like she has her own issues. You don't know the backstory, so shrug it off. I wouldn't think about it any more. Although I would respect her for approaching you herself.

Original poster

TheGoodLyfe · 31/01/2009 18:13

I am single yes. I have had suspitions before that she thought I fancied her DH and if ever he says anything nice about me she gives him 'the look'. I've always felt she has a problem with me but I have no idea why

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 31/01/2009 18:14

don't move gyms! You did nothing wrong. Giving someone a lift in your car is a kind thing to do! There's obv something going on there. Either she's super paranoid, or he's been unfaithful/flirted/made a pass at someone.

Or she's been unfaithful - they are the most suspicious of partners!!

Whatever it is, it's for them to deal with.

Tinker · 31/01/2009 18:15

She's over-reacting. How sad for everyone concerned. Not read other posts yet.

AnarchyAunt · 31/01/2009 18:16

I'd be pretty pissed off actually (though would not say or do anything) if she approached me herself - her dh should decline for himself IMO.

Ronaldinhio · 31/01/2009 18:16

mmmm are you all friends then?

Original poster

TheGoodLyfe · 31/01/2009 18:20

No we just all use the gym together. I know them to talk to but we're not really friends so to speak.

OP posts:

dittany · 31/01/2009 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Metella · 31/01/2009 18:22

How bizarre! I often give the dad of a boy at school a lift - I would be mortified if anyone thought there was anything more to it!!!

AnyFucker · 31/01/2009 18:23

I might get flamed for this but......

you say you think she already had a problem with you and gave him "the look" if he mentions you

so it seems a bit disingenuous of you to add fuel to the fire by sharing a car on a regular basis

just a hunch, but it seems like you wanted to add a it of fuel to the fire....

< puts tin hat on >

Ronaldinhio · 31/01/2009 18:24

I just thought it was weird when you said that whenever he says anything nice about you she gives him the look

Why would he have cause to say anything nice about you to his wife at a gym?

She and he can conduct their relationship as they see fit.
You offered and did a nice thing
They declined to maintain the offer for their own reasons

Up to them
Chalk it up

AnyFucker · 31/01/2009 18:24

do you fancy him ?

Portofino · 31/01/2009 18:25

Exactly - you have done nothing wrong! Don't change gyms. It's their problem really.

MrsMattie · 31/01/2009 18:25

Weird. She has a problem, not you. I'd stay at the gym and remain friendly and civil to him (and the mad bint his wife). You offered the lift in good faith, not your problem if it has been misconstrued. Just put it down as 'one of those things' and don't worry about it.

PlumBumMum · 31/01/2009 18:29

I wouldn't change gyms, you haven't done anything wrong
but if you noticed a look before maybe he talks about you and it might annoy his wife, you don't know what they've got going on, it was obviously enough that he agreed to ride his bike to work to get her to feel better

crokky · 31/01/2009 18:34

I wouldn't change gyms. I would take it as a compliment - she must think you are tasty - and forget about it.

broccoliandchips · 31/01/2009 18:38

So, do you fancy him?

beanieb · 31/01/2009 18:39

I think it's a bit but I think she was very mature to "She said she wanted to tell me herself so that it didn't look like she was being nasty behind my back. "

To answer your question - I like to think that as a wife i wouldn't mind this arrangement but jealousy does strange things to a person and perhaps she just has to deal with it this way for her own peace of mind.

TinySparklyWhiteFeather · 31/01/2009 18:41

OK, probably not going to be a popular solution, but if it was me, I would approach her and express that it was never my intention to cause offense, and that I had offered the lifts in as good faith as if it had been one of the mums....and that I hoped it wouldn't be an issue or cause tension as 'we all use the same Gym'.

Not an apology, but an acknowledgement of a difficult situation.

My H is jealous and I have asked a couple of friends to be carefull what they say to me as he misinterprets things. Even genuinely innocent ones. 'tis tough.

saultanpepper · 31/01/2009 21:56

An alternative point of view

'my DH is a gym instructor and is very fit (in every sense ). He normally cycles to work in the next village after dropping dc's off at school. Since Christmas however, he has been getting a lift in to work one day a week with one of the other mums at the school who is a regular at the gym he instructs at, who I know to say hi to (I'm a member there as well); she's quite attractive and obviously fit as she works out quite often.

I don't have any evidence, just a feeling, but I think they are becoming...close...and it's making me a bit uncomfortable. AIBU if I ask him to go back to cycling to work?

I bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that if you were to look back at the threads on this forum over the last 6-12 months you'll find similar stories to this with a load of 'YANBU!! - if it makes you feel uncomfortable he should stop'-type answers...amazing how the same story can be told in multiple ways...

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