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Original poster

If you were the wife, would you feel the same?

126 replies

TheGoodLyfe · 31/01/2009 18:08

Just after christmas I was talking to one of the dads at school (who also happens to be my gym instructor) and he mentioned that he was due in work at 9.30am at a neighboring village. He doesn't drive so cycles and it is a fair distance, especially in the cold.

As it happens, I also work in this village on the day he does. I drive. So naturally I asked if he'd like a lift on these days. He accepted.

We have been doing this now for the past few weeks. Conversation tends to be limited to gym and gym ... and then perhaps a bit of gym.

So, I didn't see anything 'untoward' about this at all.

Anyway, last night I was approached by his wife at the gym who told me (nicely) that she wasn't happy with the set-up and had spoken to her husband about it who had agreed to cycle to work again instead. She said she wanted to tell me herself so that it didn't look like she was being nasty behind my back.

I'm a bit by it, surely she didn't think I was trying to steal her husband?? this is how it has come across and I'm mortified that anyone would think that of me I'm now wondering if I should find another gym which is a shame as I have made friends there now

Is she over-reacting or should I have known better?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 02/02/2009 12:30

It depends, though,doesn't it? It sounds like there is a little frission there, rather than an ordinary workaday offer of a lift. If your instincts flash, you'd do well to listen to them. This is not an excuse for controlling behaviour and irrational suspicion- but if alarm bells are sounding faintly because of the way your partner or the third party are interacting with each other, rather than pure paranoia, then I agree with daftpunk: it would be like leaving your windows open then being upset you'd been burgalled.

fuckerForAValentine · 02/02/2009 13:59

I think it is interesting (and telling ?) that the OP appears to have done one.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/02/2009 15:07

Daftpunk: well it's not possible for that sort of thing to happen to me because I don't engage in monogamous relationships. So I can have sex with whoever I like.

FleurDelacour · 02/02/2009 15:45

Totally agree with Jasper. Can't understand it either. This sort of attitude makes me think of the women of Saudi who can't travel in a car with a man who is not a relative. I thought we had moved on in Europe.

sayithowitis · 02/02/2009 16:49

And yet if the wife was the one posting on here we would all be telling her to go with her instinct! We don't know why she has told the op she is not happy with the set up. Maybe she is neurotic but maybe she has a very good reason for saying it. Maybe the man has history. Maybe he has indicated to her, either by word or deed, that he would be open to suggestions from the op. Maybe they are trying to rebuild their marriage after a transgression on his part and he has to do whatever it takes to regain her trust. The fact is, as I said, we do not know the history and therefore it does not become us to be accusing her of being a bunny boiler, or over reacting or insecure. It is just possible she has reason to be. The Op has said she has noticed the wife gives 'that look' whenever he says anything nice about her says to me that the man has said things on more than one occasion that might give the wife cause for concern. However, the fact that she told the op herself, nicely, also tells me that she doesn't attach any blame or predatory inclinations to the op.

fuckerForMyValentine · 02/02/2009 17:15

totally agree sayithowitis

overdraft · 02/02/2009 17:18

Difficult one. I have to say that if you knew what she was like then why offer the lift.

Aslo agree that if the wife had posted on here , this thread would be very different.

I don't think the wife is a bunny boiler.She is protecting her relationship.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/02/2009 18:46

Well if anyone did post on here as the wife in this story, I for one would be telling her to get a grip. I am alwasy amazed that people pander to jealous partners, rather than laughing at them or simply dumping them. Jealous people are self-obsessed pains in the bum and the more you give into them, the worse they get.

Ivykaty44 · 02/02/2009 18:59

Would it be different if the op was only interested in same sex relationships, did the wife ask first, it is rather rude to asume that the woman offering the lift is interested in the man in some way.

sayithowitis · 02/02/2009 23:55

But it doesn't sound as though the wife does think the Op is in any way interested in the husband. To me it sounds, from the way the wife has dealt with it, that she has reason to believe that the husband may be interested in the OP.

KerryMumbles · 03/02/2009 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daftpunk · 03/02/2009 08:54

solidgold; with the greatest respect, if you do not engage in momogamous relationships, you can't really comment on them can you?

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 03/02/2009 10:33

Yes I can comment on them DP. I have done them in the past, for one thing. And I do feel that people who make themselves and other people so miserable over something so silly need it pointing out to them: so much of this compulsory monogamy lark seems such an idiotically stressful way to live - everyone is the enemy, partners have to be spied on and whined at all the time... people would be much happier if they lightened up over it.

Tiredmumno1 · 03/02/2009 10:54

Maybe he should get a car, i mean its not like he needs to cycle to the gym to exercise, he can do that when he gets there. Then maybe he wouldnt put himself in that position. And i thought u said they both use the gym, well where was his wife on those days. All i can c is that u were being generous, no doubt you will tread carefully next time. Men should come with a how to use label and warnings lol :-D

daftpunk · 03/02/2009 11:08

oh yes solidgold i agree, and i'm sure there are alot of married people who wouldn't have a problem with the arrangement described in the op...however, it's also natural to protect what we love and to not want anything to upset the applecart...we do this with our children don't we...(is this child going to be a bad influence on my child?,) it's just human nature imo....or maybe i'm just too controlling?

flubdub · 03/02/2009 11:26

What did you say to her when nshe said that to you?

flubdub · 03/02/2009 11:27

Oop, Im soooo not used to this set up. I only saw a first few messages. Please ignore the previous post if already answered.

harleyd · 03/02/2009 11:31

i bet he's shagged half the people in the gym...most of them do

georgiemum · 03/02/2009 11:32

I wouldn't but then I couldn't ever imagine DH running off with another woman. Maybe your gym pal has form...

flubdub · 03/02/2009 11:37

I think theyve eloped!

gyminstructor · 03/02/2009 11:39

Hubba hubba!

harleyd · 03/02/2009 11:42
Grin
BitOfFun · 03/02/2009 11:43

Chase me!

georgiemum · 03/02/2009 11:45

Can't - not fit enough.

ScottishMummy · 03/02/2009 11:50

clearly have issues in their relationship,which manifest as potential husband stealing car driving minx

you haven't done anything untoward.leave them to it.couple dynamics are tricky enough without triangulation

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