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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you were the wife, would you feel the same?

126 replies

TheGoodLyfe · 31/01/2009 18:08

Just after christmas I was talking to one of the dads at school (who also happens to be my gym instructor) and he mentioned that he was due in work at 9.30am at a neighboring village. He doesn't drive so cycles and it is a fair distance, especially in the cold.

As it happens, I also work in this village on the day he does. I drive. So naturally I asked if he'd like a lift on these days. He accepted.

We have been doing this now for the past few weeks. Conversation tends to be limited to gym and gym ... and then perhaps a bit of gym.

So, I didn't see anything 'untoward' about this at all.

Anyway, last night I was approached by his wife at the gym who told me (nicely) that she wasn't happy with the set-up and had spoken to her husband about it who had agreed to cycle to work again instead. She said she wanted to tell me herself so that it didn't look like she was being nasty behind my back.

I'm a bit by it, surely she didn't think I was trying to steal her husband?? this is how it has come across and I'm mortified that anyone would think that of me I'm now wondering if I should find another gym which is a shame as I have made friends there now

Is she over-reacting or should I have known better?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 01/02/2009 16:22

It does come across that way, tbh, I agree.

daftpunk · 01/02/2009 16:25

i think it depends on the situation doesn't it...if the woman concerned was 58 and looked like the back of a bus it wouldn't bother me. if she was younger & attractive it would.....now that's not being jealous and insecure and all the rest of it, that's me being a realist.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2009 16:27

I'm all for the sisterhood, me

I wouldn't change gyms either. I would continue to be vaguely friendly, chalk it up to experience and move on.

BitOfFun · 01/02/2009 16:27

Especially one that bats her lashes and says "what, little old me?" when she gets collared

AnyFucker · 01/02/2009 16:28

yup, spot on BOF

PlumBumMum · 01/02/2009 16:29

OP hasn't been back you've all scared her off

BitOfFun · 01/02/2009 16:33

OP, come back and tick us off then? You can't post and run and not expect us to get a bit viperish- the new look site has stressed us all out

MUM41plus5 · 01/02/2009 16:42

hi sounds like this site has just had a makeover, just joined today so all new to me, been reading what seems to be the topic of conversation at the moment, partners and suspisious lifts? as we have six month old twin boys, and 3 more children I dont think it would bother me as Im sure his energy levels would streth to no more than a lift smile

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 01/02/2009 16:44

People who try to police their partner's interactions with other people like this usually get dumped. ANd it serves them right. I wouldn't worry about it OP, they are not worth wasting any energy on.

BitOfFun · 01/02/2009 16:46

Hello Mum41+5- I bet you're looking forward to changing that name!

eNABlemetobebetter · 01/02/2009 16:47

I didn't see anything about the OP knowing the man fancied her before she offered the lift. And it does take two to tango.

daftpunk · 01/02/2009 16:49

solidgold...ok, turn it around. have you ever been tempted?

imagin it, driving to work listening to ken bruce on the radio...laughing, chatting...he leans over to help you with the seatbelt, you look into his eyes....before you know it you've got two mobiles on the go!

AnyFucker · 01/02/2009 16:54

nab, the Op said that the mans partner has already expressed concern at their relationship and gives him "the look" if the OP's name is mentioned

I agree it is silly behaviour on the blokes gf's part (an attempt to be controlling etc) but why would you deliberatley up the ante by offering a regular lift knowing the situation

I wouldn't, I would class it as inflammatory and unsisterly (even if the other woman is nuts).

MUM41plus5 · 01/02/2009 16:55

wouldnt change a thing, at a very happy place in my life right now as the 41 is obviously my age and believe me life does begin at 40 and the 5 are my precious offspring I wouldnt swap for the world :-)

eNABlemetobebetter · 01/02/2009 16:56

I didn't register that tbh.

I don't see that the OP has done this on purpose and it sounds like the man's OH would have a problem with any woman talking to him never mind anything else.

It is down to trust and clearly she doens't trust him.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2009 17:02

I am not saying she has done it on purpose (OP, are you there?...come out.......)

I just think, if she reconsidered, she might realise she shouldn't really have ot herself involved in their issues

by upping the ante, with the previous knowledge she had, then she is not being fair to that other woman (however nutty she may be)

BitOfFun · 01/02/2009 17:06

Ah, I took it to mean you were horribly overdue with sprog!

lessonlearned · 01/02/2009 17:28

Ahem...Ithink the lady(OP) doth protest too much, even if the wife's nuts...maybe flirting is his hobby.

FleurDelacour · 02/02/2009 10:20

If my OH was cycling on the death traps that are country lanes round our way I'd be delighted if someone gave him a lift in a car. Much safer.

kingprawntikka · 02/02/2009 11:09

I think she is being silly. My husband used to give a female colleague a lift to work some years ago, more recently he gave our female neighbour a lift to work for about a year. It would never have occurred to me to see anything wrong in this.

HolyGuacamole · 02/02/2009 11:17

If I were the OP, I would not have offered the man a lift because it would inflame the situation with his wife, and it has. I just wouldn't want to have some mans wife accusing me of fancying her DH or vice versa and possibly have people tittering at the school gates. That is obviously the wifes problem and I wouldn't want to involve myself in it TBH.

I don't believe in monitoring a partners relationships with member of the opposite sex......but....other people do (maybe for reasons we are not privvy to) and I wouldn't rub salt into the wound of an insecure person. We don't know if the OMs wife is just insecure for no reason or if he has history that raises her hackles? Their relationship, their rules, NOT my business.

Also, if I were OP and I absolutely did not fancy the man, I'd go to the wife and tell her in as nice and 'sisterly' way as possible that I in no way fancy her DH and that I am quite offended that she would make that accusation. And, I'd say if she does not trust her DH, then I am also offended that she would think that I am the kind of person who would partake in a relationship with a married man.

HolyGuacamole · 02/02/2009 11:20

PS: I'd give other men a lift, married or not. I just wouldn't get involved in someone elses already proven insecurity.

BalloonSlayer · 02/02/2009 11:46

Am pretty confident my ex-H had an affair with a woman he had started to drive to work every day.

I would not be happy with DH giving a lift to a woman either.

So maybe it's a worry from a previous relationship.

I am not her BTW

BitOfFun · 02/02/2009 12:12

I know some people think it smacks of rampant insecurity (and I have no problem trusting my DP, but just speaking generally), I wouldn't be thrilled about some woman offering my man a lift and going on about her sculpted glutes all the way there. I don't think he should have agreed though, if his wife was already looking askance at him while he pays this other woman compliments. In that sense, it's him that has been insensitive.

jasper · 02/02/2009 12:16

Can't relate to the wife at all.

Can't see on what planet you would monitor your partner's life like that.

If I was the man I would not be at all happy my wife did this.

But hey, we are all different.

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