Have you ever made the decision to cut your mother out of your life completely

[Ivehadenough]

I have changed my name for this as its so personal and I dont want rl friends on here to know. I have decided over the last few days that I cant have my mother in my life or in my childrens life again. I just hope I can stick to my decision but in the past I have felt sorry for her and given in. Has anyone else been through this and how do you feel about it?

yes i have, am still in the throes. at the moment we are talking on the phone but not in person. your post could have been mine. im just not that bothered anymore...my emotional health is better without mum in my life. you dont have to stick with damaging relationships. never say never but back off if thats what you need to do.

DP has, we haven't spoken to her in 2 years now and she has never met ds2.

Dp suffered alot abuse at her and her many boyfriends hands as a child and then she was quite vile about ds1 being ill and our life in general so it wasn't to hard for him to do.

I think sometimes he thinks about her and his younger brother and sister (whom he has very limited contact with) but ti think it would take a hell of alot to have anysort of relationship with her.

Its all so painful, you would think its everyones right to have a decent relationship and respect for your parents and when its not there its difficult to understand.

DP did this in November it was a long time coming but she was vile to him throughout his childhood and when he was a young adult .
She has verbally and physically abused him took an overdose in front of him and basically made jokes about him in front of people constantly ,she also treated our children badly and was vile to me .

The final straw was when his sister started doing the same thing to him he decided enough and things have been a lot calmer since.

Hope you manage to get through this it is the only way sometimes.

MY DH cut off from his parents seven years ago. They have never seen DD.
They were crap parents, they never were nice to DH or DS1 and then they couldn't cope at all with DS2's SN.

WE are much much happier not having to deal with them although I think it is sad that my DCs lost the grandparents that they could have been had they not been selfish, self absorbed tossers

dh did it to his Mum, I persuafded him to make contact last year (guilt)- now he vowsnever to take my advice again and she's gone!

it's for the best: we know where we are, n more let downs. why should she get to know the boys when she thinks o litt;e of them (mainly the sn ones) and hates me?

she's cold, nthing more.emotionless and loveless. with a martyr complex to boot.

I haven't seen my parents for nearly 3 years now. They were highly abusive/neglectful when i was a child. It has been hard since i haven't seen them in the sense that a lot of painful childhood memories i had buried have come to the surface.

I would recommend you see a counsellor/therapist about your relationship with your mother and perhaps have a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread in Relationships. Sorry not good at doing links but am sure you will find lots of support and company there.

I wonder if I am too hard - if my reasons are strong enough to exclude her once and for all. I think counseling is probably a good idea.

I have. Made it years ago.

Still wish I had a mum though.

I cut all contact with mine for 2 and a half years. She contacted me again back at the end of 2006 and I took things very slowly with her. We are now back into some sort of a 'normal' relationship, tho she lives on the other side of the Channel. I think the both of us did some growing up. I really feel for all the posters who've had abusive or toxic parents.

I haven't done this myself, but one of my siblings just has. Counselling may well help (I'm a big fan), as does thinking through what might happen, e.g. what you will do if your parent dies suddenly, or needs full-time medical care, as these can be emotional crunch points later on. It may be a good idea to tell any close relatives/friends exactly what you wish to be told about her from now on, and how you wish to be contacted. HTH.

I havent contact with my mum for 8 years and my dad for 12, I had a pretty horrendus childhood and was woried when I had my daughter the same would happen to her.
It is hard though, I dont miss MY mum but the idea of how a mum should be.
I still have contact with my gran and my mum still tries to get her to pass on messages about how she forgives me and if I wont let her back in my life then she is going to kill herself and it will be my fault

Ivehadenough I am finding this thread strangely comforting.

I haven't cut off contact from my mother, but my father has chosen not to maintain contact with me. It is sad in one way, but then one has to realise that he is a very self absorbed and manipulative man, plus he is very unhappy and he is a victim of his own immature behaviour tbh

I suspect that we may be in the process of cutting out our inlaws. (or possibly limiting contact to several brief duty visits annually). Mil is a very nasty and cold person. Her preferred method of communication is to sulk until she gets her own way, trouble is because we are expected to mind read we never get it "right". She will slam the phone down and lapse into sulky silences lasting months (or until she wants something).

She has no real interest in the children other than being able to show them off briefly to her snobby friends that she might be trying to impress.

It is all so emotionally wearing and soul destroying that I can understand other people in similar circumstances basically saying that enough is enough.

I am also finding this thread comforting or reassuring in a way - have had to cut off contact with all my family (of origin) to preserve my own mental health (and for the sake of my own family) as they are so emotionally destructive, and it's good to know it's not just me. Even though they appear pretty normal on the surface, they have an evil side to them that made my life hell for years - decades, in fact.

After years of counselling and therapy, I now have the life I dreamed of, with a truly loving DH and now a wonderful DC - but it wouldn't have happened if I had kept trying to make them love me, as I was stuck doing for a very long time.

It's incredibly hard though to cut them out, and I wish nearly all the time that it didn't have to be this way - but bitter experience has taught me that it does. The assumption that mothers are all basically loving and good really gets to me - it seems so many of them are fundamentally selfish, unloving or worse, and it's hard when yours is one of those yet you keep getting the image of mother as the one who will always care for you, always knows best etc etc, perpetuated everywhere.

IMO we have a primal need to trust our parents - it's survival after all - and to look up to them and see them as worthwhile people, and the realisation that they are really not trustworthy and not decent is as painful as anything, I think. But if that is the case, and they are poisoning your life, then sometimes the only way is to walk away completely.

I have done the same thing. It is not easy but for us the right descion. I am happier than I have ever been and feel free.

I do wish I had a mum who was normal and I could have a good relationship with but that is not going to happen. Be strong.

I have done the same with my father recently, and like you have tried and failed in the past but my DH is adamant for my own sake it has to happen.

He was never physically abusive, but he is the most narcissitic and self-centred individual. For example, when my brother was having relationship problems my father said he hoped the relationship wasn't terminal because it meant he wouldn't get to see his grandsons until they were teenagers - no thought for my brother and his partner, it was all about my father. He is the same about our son. So we left the country and didn't give him a forwarding address.

He has had two wives leave him, two children move out of home early to get away from him and no friends. You think he would get the message.

Anyway, be strong. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with your parent once you are an adult, despite what society may try and tell you. You do not need the stress and angst, your priority is yourself, your partner (if you have one) and your children.

believe it or not my very happy marriage has been the result of a friendship that developed because of both my now husbands and my own mum were so hurtful throughout our lives and after another tearful event caused by my mum my now husband came along and asked if i was ok and could he help in any way we started chatting and both swapped stories about our mums,the rest is history!we did have contact with all our families at the start but now six years on alot of heartache later sadly most of my family are estranged to me,although i havent a desire to change this, i would love to be surrounded by a loving family. my husband has had to cut all ties with his mum and never wishes to change that,this has caused other upsets,i have an item on the parenting section,"what should i tell my four year old?" we have both reached a point in our lives where our families will be people we choose to include in our lives,and not the ones who have the title through blood,chin up to you and take care

i will post later when i have time x

I can't believe it I was thinking of starting a thread like this

I have cut my father out of my life, 2 years ago and although I know its the right decision its hard and my dh and I talk about it everyday

One brusselsprout, haw do you find your relationship with your mother as mine is getting very strained
There is so much I want to say to her but it dosen't sink in as she feels sorry for my dad

My dh is very angry about the whole thing as my father has everyone believing I'm this evil person who has stopped him seeing his gdc's but no one asks him why?

I thought I would feel free when my Nana died but I don't as she betrayed me and now I have to live with what she did every day.

Plum

My parents are the same, they 'make out' that I am this bad person that has stopped them seeing there GC, infact it is there actions that has caused this.

I find I catch her out (easily) on lies and deceipt and she launches into a horrific verbal attack on me Im so ashamed of the things she has done and said over the years, whenever Im introduced to new people I always wonder if they know or have heard of my mother and her antics

I have cut both mine
dp has cut both his

My mother left me to an abusive father ( she was really crap so it was a relief) DPS mum also left so we are an odd couple!

I would say to those who say that their folks see them as the evil perpertrator ...do you REAALY think that they REALLY think that?

I know that my parents do not blame themselves for much but they are both mental

i think truly abusive (or just BAD) parents often dont see what they have done as wrong - it THAT that makes one have no choice but to cut them out of your life as much as what they did/ not do)

If they had insight and contrition then one may have some 'closure' to the issues

A shitty parent in my horrific experience of 4 of them - truly does not see what they have done is that bad

does that make any sense?

that is badly written