Have you ever made the decision to cut your mother out of your life completely

[Ivehadenough]

I have changed my name for this as its so personal and I dont want rl friends on here to know. I have decided over the last few days that I cant have my mother in my life or in my childrens life again. I just hope I can stick to my decision but in the past I have felt sorry for her and given in. Has anyone else been through this and how do you feel about it?

I think most parents who have been cut-off are in complete denial- of their behaviour and of the past tbh- mine are certainly.

agree Eacgpeach ( dare i ask - news????? )

(none yet.... he has 5 more days, then he's being evicted.
DD's b'day is next weds.... he is not being born that day!)

mil cut dh out of her life because we were buying a house which happened to be near my mum. She was a jealous control freak. I think she was merely trying to blackmail him instead it backfired. He never begged her to change her mind as she probably expected him to and nor did she take it back.The worse thing his how his siblings have all sided with her as she always manages to turn things around and play the victim even though it was her own doing.

Mum2s and a

yes they are very good at the 'turning it round'

interestingly a doctor once told me that all sorts of 'abusive parents' are excellent at doing that and will 'network' family members to gain support

well put hg

we can be the Mummies our 'mothers' were not!

free from the 'toxicity'

mothers do more damage than axes sometimes. Mine has. But she's history now and she knows it

I love you dittany and you know that. You have heart and principles and argue your side with sense and dignity. Go go go.

Good post HG- it is the peace that comes with it, isn't it? That calm inside- feels good after so many years of internal torment.

yes it is EachPeach almost like a graduation a growing up

Now I can be 'me '

Me and MY lovely family!

This thread is firstly sad because so many of us are going through this or have been through it but also comforting - there are other people experiencing the same and being happy.

I have been getting quite wound up over the last few weeks as my PIL are visiting and they do get on my nerves (I am pregnant and hormonal too ) but this thread has reminded me that they are not bad people and cerainly not bad parents, I don't always agree with them but they bought up DH and is a lovley, gentle and kind person and they love him and our DC (and me apparently ). Where as my parents are another story......

Long one ....I only discovered this year (dna test) that who I thought my DD father was - wasnt.
My dd is 6.
The person I thought was died b4 my dd was born,so he's name did not get put on birth cert,his parents were adament that this happen so we all agreed to do a dna test.
Which came back negative,well as you can imagine we were all devastated,His parents called me all names under sun and said they would never 4give me etc etc.
They started being very cold towards me & my dp (whom I have been with 4 4 years now)
But they said they still wanted my dd in their lifes,my dd spent a lot of time with them b4 all crap haapend, she stayed over at least 2 days out week,they took her to school etc, basically spoilt her rotten which of course dd loved.
We tried to make it work, they loved my dd but hated me & dp and things became v.strained & v.awkward.
I decided (but not lightly,this was not without a fair few visits to a counsiller) a year ago to break all contact with them, as I felt they was taking over my dd, ie my dd would always want to spend time with them rather than me (I think they brainwash her some what)

Yes .... see my thread on here "Just spoke to my mother after 20 years"

I haven't seen my dad for 6 years. He doesn't even know that he has 2 grand childen.
I miss him terribly and question whether I have done the right thing.
I was a real daddys girl. I demanded his time and attention, only becasue he is not openly loving. He is quite asocail. He let me down a couple of times very very badly. Then he didn't come to my wedding. He didn't give me away.
i haven't spoken to him since.
Neither of my two brothers have any contact with him either. He re married along time ago and doesn't seem very interested in hsi 'old' children.
I question and question myself. I did the other day. Thinking should I send him a photo of the four od us.
Oh decisions decisions.

I apppreciate that if you were abused or someone was violent towards you, this different. Mine is not quite that situation.

Oblomov - I'm sure you know all of this but I just wanted to say it anyway.

There's nothing wrong with making contact again but obviously you need to prepare yourself for the consequences, good or bad. It may go really well and you might be able to make up for years that you missed out on. Seeing that you have children and he has grandchildren could be a wake up call for him.

The flip side is that you leave yourself open to being hurt again, let down or ignored. If you try and he lets you down, how would you deal with it? If you do contact him, what level of relationship do you want and what if you get less than you want?

Those are just some questions I'd ask myself under the circumstances. No one can tell you what to do and it is such a hard decision, not to be taken lightly. Unfortunately it is all too common, a thing I realised when I found MN.

Thank you Guac. I have considered those things. And I think I do know the answers. Which is really sad isn't it ?

Name-changer here too, as I don't want anyone in RL to work out who anyone involved is!

All I want to say is that many of you obviously have good reasons for cutting your parents out of your lives. However, there are two sides to the story. Two of my DH's adult children have done this to him. He is heartbroken, and has no idea why they have done it.

He is the first to admit that he wasn't a great husband first time round; he and his ex-wife married without loving one another, as they were both afraid of not finding anyone else. They did a good job of staying together until the children were 15, 18, and 20, whereupon they divorced. By that point my DH had already started a relationship with someone else.

As I say, he was not a great husband (I would have left him if he were like that with me!). However, he was - so far as I am aware - a good and loving father, who doted on his children. The third child would agree with this. She, for her part, is in the awkward position of trying to have successful relationships with everyone in the family.

My DH has three grandchildren whom he's never set eyes on, even in photos. It is a source of constant sadness to him that he won't ever know them. I find it deeply sad that these children will grow up without knowing their grandfather (and our children). I have no idea how this will be explained to them once they start asking.

If your parent was neglectful, abusive, cruel, an alcoholic/drug addict - anything like that! - I can understand the idea of cutting them out of your life without further ado. But if it's something more subtle that could be talked about - which would at least give everyone a chance to make things better for the future generation - I could only urge you to do so.

I have a good relationship with my parents and would never dream of cutting them off.

However, I know of people who have not necessarily cut the parent off more that the parent has cut them off!! But they are ready for whenever the parent wants to make amends.

On the other hand I have an in law who has done this though to their own parents and it has come to bite her now her children are older. They've hit her and disowned her and gone to be with the parents she disowned!

So just be careful that your decisions are made on sound judgement and benefits that protects you and your children from real harm and not because you just don't get along.

I doubt very much that anyone has cut off their parents becuse they don't get along.

But we all don't know everyone.

I personlly know that my in law has done this.

Well, that is your experience. Not mine.

You got it!