Have you ever made the decision to cut your mother out of your life completely

[Ivehadenough]

I have changed my name for this as its so personal and I dont want rl friends on here to know. I have decided over the last few days that I cant have my mother in my life or in my childrens life again. I just hope I can stick to my decision but in the past I have felt sorry for her and given in. Has anyone else been through this and how do you feel about it?

Do people who have rejected/cut out/taken time out from their parents want to be contacted if they have made these decisions?

It does seem to be a kind of cruelty to say that the estranged parent has to keep trying for contact even if it is never reciprocated or even acknowledged.

Surely the estranged parent eventually gets the message and stops trying to force contact (as someone put it) and accepts/backs off/gives the dc what they appear to want (ie no contact?)

I wouldn't say keep trying to contact them. But don't just say 'Fine, ok then' and walk away.
Chances are (dependant on why the person no longer wants contact) that the person doing the cutting already feels like they were walked away from, and doing it again could make it irrepairable.

In fact, I'd never thought about this before, but my mother didn't bother with trying for about 3 years. I told her one day (the day my Dad died) that she had a choice, my children/her grandchildren in her life, or my stepfather.
Two weeks later my 21st birthday. She didn't even call me. So I called her. I told her to Fuck Off and never contact me again.
If she hadn't left it three years, I might well have spoken to her. But yet again she 'chose' my stepfather, and it was only when her marriage broke up she came looking for me.

There is a point, I believe, you must go to, to fight for that relationship, if you really want it. The hard thing is knowing when to stop pushing.

No need for thanks iwishitweredifferent but I appreciate it anyway. Didn't mean to upset but am glad it was in a 'nice-ish' way.

Agree with victoriansqualor, it all depends on the situ, the people involved and so many other factors. You can't just blanket say that no one should attempt contact. Time, growing up, having children, getting married are just examples of factors that 'might' change or soften a persons stance. Of course there are always situations where NOTHING will change the fact that a person doesn't want to be contacted and rightly so. It is just such an individual thing and we can only judge on each persons circumstances. There is no 'one fits all' response.

Cammelia - this is how it feels. It feels to my DH that he is supposed to keep on trying even though his attempts meet with silence. If only someone would tell him what they really want, it would be so much easier.

One of his children (Child 3) gave him a similar ultimatum to the one you gave your mother, victoriansqualor. He was told in no uncertain terms that he had to choose either Child 3 or me and our DCs. He said he should not have to choose, and that he should be able to have a relationship with all of us. Child 3 insisted that the choice was either leave us or lose her. He 'chose' not to leave us, so she followed through.

Maybe I should add at this point that I am not a horrible step-mother, and I don't think Child 3's problems were with me (I in fact got on very well with Child 3 before all this blew up). It was the birth of our first child that provoked the 'choice' and the subsequent estrangement.

Ah well.

Just to say iwishitweredifferent I am the most stubborn person ever (just ask my DH ) and if I can change my mind, then anyone can. I'm not saying child 3 definitely will, but I'd say that hope is not lost. It might be something that will take a long time to happen and maybe it will never happen? Who can say? Things change, people change and you just can't predict how people evolve over the years.

Can I just say the reason I gave my mother that choice was because he had left her (for the second time) to start sleeping with one of her best friend's daughters who was, at the time, 15.
Even through the amount of shite I went through with her and him I was still going to just let it pass, until I felt my children would be compromised. I didn't feel safe having this man around my daughter. So I wouldn't judge child 3's ultimatum in the same light.

I don't see that it is that difficult for the estranged parent to keep avenues open if they want: you just send birthday and Christmas cards every year. If the son/daughter responds then maybe the relationship might go somewhere. And if they don't then it's not really a big slap in the face so the parent shouldn't feel too hurt.

VIctorianS - I can see your point there!

Ranaway - indeed. However, they have refused to let DH have their addresses, which makes that difficult...

I have cut my mother out - best thing I did. Yes it upsets me but I am so much happier now I have no contact with her (only see her at family events where I speak as little as possible to her - only enough to keep the peace for the benefit of others)