Have you ever made the decision to cut your mother out of your life completely

[Ivehadenough]

I have changed my name for this as its so personal and I dont want rl friends on here to know. I have decided over the last few days that I cant have my mother in my life or in my childrens life again. I just hope I can stick to my decision but in the past I have felt sorry for her and given in. Has anyone else been through this and how do you feel about it?

Iwishitweredifferent - surely no one cuts parents out of their lives for no reason. I don't believe that any parents who have been cut out of their children's lives don't deserve it.

there are very few things more heartbreaking in someone's life than a troubled relationship with parents.

Motherlessmummy - I apologise if you feel I have insulted you. I did not mean to do so. Nor do I mean to hurt or insult anyone else on this thread.

I do think my husband should make an effort again to try to build bridges, even though every one of his attempts thus far has met with silence at best. I have encouraged him to do so, even though we all have to live with the agonies that have resulted from repeated rebuffs over the past seven years.

Given that his children appear not to want to know him, I refuse to lie to my own children and pretend that their half-siblings don't exist. That may be 'freaky', but I see no alternative.

FWIW, you can be satisfied that you have reduced me to tears, and I shall not be adding anything further. All I wanted to say anyway is that there are two sides to every estrangement, and that it is horrible, horrible, horrible for everyone who is involved. And think, as a parent, how it would feel if your child were to bin you later on because of something that you never had the chance to put right (I am not aiming this at you, motherless mummy - it's just a general comment).

I thought one of the points of MN was to debate things. But it seems that this is a thread that doesn't invite other perspectives, which may be part of the original problem.

I said I wasn't going to add anything, but I've just re-read your post, motherlessmummy. You say; "It's not his dc's that are perpetuating this sitation; it's him." That is offensive. You do not know anything about the situation other than the things I've said on here. I would not comment specifically on your situation; I don't think it's right for you to comment on ours.

"How are we to explain to our children that there are bits of the family who don't have anything to do with one another? It's one thing gently explaining an abusive parent to a child who's old enough to understand; it's another to tell a child that you have decided for them that they can't have contact with their grandparent(s) because you have problems with that parent"

iwishitweredifferent, I have cut my mother out my life. She never wanted me, spent most of my life depriveing me of any kind of love or show of love, she stole from me, she beat me, she told lies to me & about me. Before I emigrated I spent a week in the same estate as my mother, staying with dh's relatives. I saw her in the post office, the child in me smiled at her, she blanked me as she had never even met me. My sister called me when I got home & said 'mum has just called, are you OK' then went on to say that mum had BRAGGED to her that she ignored me. Mum knew I was leaving for good, but still couldn't talk to me. I didn't talk to her as I am scared of feeling that rejection once again.

I went to dh & cried like a baby & dd, not yet 3 said 'why you cry so much' and started crying. So please, don't tell me that I am wrong not to see my mum for my dds sake, because that is what my mum does to me & I am not letting her do it to my children!

I would & have in the case off dd1 (5) explained why I don't see her & why she doesn't. Rather than pick up the pieces time after time after time after time. To be in contact with my mother, for my sake or my children's, would mean that I was asking for a world of pain. That in turn would hurt my dds & is something that I, as their mother have to protect them from.

Please understand that although your husband may not know why his children have cause to walk away from him, that is not true for all cases. You know nothing of the pain some of here have been through & telling us that our pain is not as important as our children missing out on grandparents is, quite frankly a huge kick in the teeth!

'As a matter of interest what do you all do about other members of your family? Brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins? Does that not cause difficulties? '

Swedes, in my case my mother succesfully turned all her brothers & SIL's against me after telling them a pack of lies after one of them died. Seh called me to tell me that my fav uncle had died (this was a few months after we 'fell out' - her words, I actually couldn't bring myself to talk to her after she stole 600gbp from me that was meant to be a money for stuff for my flat). She promised to call with details of his funeral. She didn't, she told them all she had, I didn't turn = they all hate me now. I did call & try to explain to his widow, but she abused me, as did my other uncle, as they couldn't believe their sister could do such a thing.

My 2 older brothers - one has spoken to her for years, the other barely speals to her. V occasional letter, less than one a year. Mainly for children updates. My sister is yet to expeierence her at her 'best' and luckily we are still in touch, even tho my sister continues to develope into my mother through lack of empathy for anyone but her self who's problems are always bigger & worse than the rest of society!

For example, I emailed her about being scare of the fires here in Australia & she said, "well we have snow & the children can't go to school, and you chose to live there, so I guess it is your problem to deal with" = That is my mother all over!

one hasN'T spoken

sandcastles, have just heard about fires in Aus. Hope you are o.k.
I am very fortunate and have had no real bitterness or nastiness between relations, siblings, step sisters or any of us to be honest.
I was quite put out by some of the words wish different used. Implying that I had taken the decision lightly was most insulting. And the world toxic. As I said in my post, but did not make it clear that I was replying to her specifically, I feel I did take it seriously, and am not toxic.
There we go. Just wanted to say that.
However, hope she comes back. Because this IS a discussion. And we have to have various views to make it interesting.
Lets all just try and watch the words we use. It is a very sensitive subject, as Guac and others have said.

HolyG - i am reading. thank you for your thoughtful post. And thank you, too, oblomov. I feel too miserable about it all to say anything else, but I will keep watching and maybe post again if I can do so without causing offence.

I haven't spoken to my Mother since my 21st birthday.
There was a period of about two years when I was a teen that we were not in contact but an EX persuaded me to get in touch, so I did.
Within about 2 years I'd cut her out again and never plan on speaking to her ever again.
There is no pain now, it's just a void. An emptiness, no sorrow, no hurt, no anger, not even pity (these were all feelings I went through) now it's just the way it is.
She has tried to contact me every couple of years, just recently messaged me on facebook, before that I received a letter, every time I have just ignored it and gone on with my life.
Best decision I ever made.

Oblomov, we are all fine thank you. We are in Adelaide, so not in the same state, thankfully.

Motherlessmummy your right I found this thread a haven as I thought I was the only one who didn't speak to a parent
and I was slightly offended by Iwishitweredifferent but I tried to put that across in an earlier post

Iwishitweredifferent if your dh geniunely wants a relationship with his dcs then he should keep trying, my father has never tried to do anything, even though in the past 2 years my dd has had 2 major eye surgeries, I came home to find someone had tried to break in to our house and I couldn't even ring my mother because of him

Frankly I have too much going on in my own life to worry about my dad
Victorian Squalor I thought I was at the angry stage but right now I feel so hurt

Is anybody in the same situation as me I'm not speaking to my father, but I still speak to my mum, they are still together and to be honest its my mum that keeps dragging me down, I have spoke to her but she still does and to be honest sometimes I feel like telling her to leave me alone too....

HolyG - I am still reading. Thank you. It will take some time to digest your post, but my first reaction is that it is helpful. Thank you again.

You're welcome iwishitweredifferent. I hope it maybe sheds a little light on some of the many 'possible' things that may be standing in the way of your situation being resolved.

well I had it out with my mother, I told her that her behaviour was dragging me down and not allowing me to get over what happened with my dad
She has apologised and said she has to realise that my dad and I will never be friends and to get on with her life
She has said this before I hope she means it this time as I don't know how much more I can take

sorry I didn't mean to upset you iwishitweredifferent. I hope you find some helpful advice. It wasn't personal, just a geveral belief that no child will cut parents out of their lives for no reason. However I appreciate each family situation is different. I am just back from a rather stressful visit to my parents and I am pregnant (and thus hormonal!) so I maybe jumped the gun a little. Once again sorry

I hope things work out with your mum plumbum. Couldn't have been easy talking to her about your dad so I hope you get some peace

Roseability - thank you. I was very hurt on my husband's behalf and I very much appreciate your follow-up post.

I'm still digesting Holy's post, which I find very thoughtful and thought-provoking. Your feelings could well be very similar to those of my husband's estranged children, and it is helpful (if saddening) to hear directly from someone affected by their parents' divorce and their father's subsequent re-marriage. I think my husband's children probably experienced their parents' divorce in a similar way; the oldest child, with whom we have a good relationship, may have experienced it less dramatically as they were already at university when it happened. Anyway, thank you again.

I'm not going to offer any more opinions, but I would like advice. My husband's estranged children have instructed the rest of the family not to pass on their contact details to him, which would obviously make it hard for him to try to re-establish contact if he were to try again. His ex-wife (who has played a very unpleasant role in all this, as I have witnessed first-hand, not via my husband's version of things) refuses to pass on letters; she wouldn't pass on a card when their grandchildren were born. He has asked his oldest child for advice, and the advice is to wait until the others approach him. Yet that seems contrary to some of the opinions on this thread. We have googled them to try to find out their contact details, and have come up with an email address; however, if the advice is that an approach would not be welcome, he is reluctant to use it. Any advice from those who are in the children's position?

iwishitweredifferent - very tough situation, I see both sides. This is what I think and others may disagree.

I think that he should send an email but not to try and explain 'too much' in the email as it may be overwhelming and you don't want to raise too much anger on their part.

Saying things like he knows that they do not want contact but that he misses them so much he needs to let them know that he loves them. That he is sorry for the way that things turned out and that even if they choose to ignore them email, that he will always love them and be there for them no matter what happens, the door will never be closed and that did not change when he split up with their mother. He could mention things that he has missed out on and express his regrets (grandchildren, Christmas' etc). He could say that he has tried to send cards but don't mention 'your mother never passed them on'. Say nothing negative against their mother AT ALL, even if she has been horrendous. The email should concentrate on him and his feelings towards them.

He HAS to be prepared for them ignoring him, anger or blame, "where were you when this happened" or "you weren't thinking about me when you did such and such" etc etc. If he is at a point where that would destroy him, then he should leave it for a little while until he gets to a point where he can cope with the possibility that things might not work out, similar to Oblomov.

I think that maybe sending a really heartfelt, honest email may give food for thought. IMO, if he just leaves it and does nothing, that reinforces 'possible' feelings that he doesn't care. If he makes the effort, at least he knows that he has tried and that is important.

I hope that it works out, I respect you for caring so much as to try and help him to resolve this. One small step at a time and leave all expectations aside.

Best of luck.

Oh dear, I am sobbing again - but in a good sort of way, iyswim, as a result of Holy's post. I am touched by your kindness, and by the time and trouble you have taken to formulate your compassionate and sensible response. My feeling is that he is still at the point where a further rejection would destroy him, but that won't always be the case. At least I hope it won't. And then proceeding as you suggest may be the best route. Thank you very, very much.

Agree with Holy Guacamole, my situation quite different as my mum and dad still together, my father has just done one too many hurtful things

I think the e-mail is good, because as I have said my father hasn't even tried to contact me, if he keeps trying his children will know he means it, my father dosen't try so when other people tell me he missses me they are empty words said to gain sympathy for himself

Another one who has cut their parents out of their life here.
I don't know if my situation is better or worse than most on this thread. I don't care that I cut my parents out: it was a long time ago and they are both dead now. I don't care because I don't think that I ever loved them. How shocking is that - that my parents were so horrible that I never loved them! Luckily, I know that it was them, not me, because all of their children cut them out.

You can't live your life on 'what ifs'. It would have been nice to have loving parents but it didn't happen. It would have been nice for the DC to have doting GP but it didn't happen. Life isn't a storybook.

I disagree that everyone should make all efforts and pretend to play happy families simply to fit a stereotype. Things change and reconciliations may happen but there is no law which says that they must.

Move on and don't fret for 'what ifs' but make darned sure that you never put your own DC through the same pain.

I too agree with Holy's post.

What you need to remember is that he might not receive any reply at all, but even if he doesn't, he has opened the door. Maybe they'll consider it, maybe they'll not believe his reasons for getting in touch. Who knows.

Also, what ranaway said about people pretending to get on because of stereotypes, people are just that, people.
People are nice, funny, friendly, clever, artistic etc but they are also horrid, nasty, violent, toxic and not good to have in your life.
Common blood bonds doesn't change that.
Having sex and creating a baby, or carrying ti for nine months and giving birth to it does not give you any right over that person at all, just responsibility. That's what I think a lot of the people trying to force relationships seem to forget.