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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling devastated, is there a way back?

38 replies

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 08:45

Name changer as DH knows my posting name and I don't want him to find out I have been talking about this.

DH delivered the blow that although he loves me and cannot imagine being without me, He is not in love with me...

I knew things were shaky at the moment, but feel my heart is breaking.

Please tell me positive stories of people who have been through this and are ok now

and in

OP posts:

alicecrail · 24/01/2009 08:52

Poor you I can't imagine how hard this must be. Has he been having problems at work that perhaps has made him stressed, or money worries? I'm sure its just day to day stuff that has worn him (or both of you) down. Is it possible to go away for a weekend together or perhaps start a new interest together that gets you away from the day to day worries. The fact that he can't imagine being away from you does sound promising though. I hope any of this helps, i just couldn't not answer it

theresonlyme · 24/01/2009 08:52

I can understand you shock and sadness but it doesn't sound like all is lost tbh. He still loves you and wants to be with you. I have never stopped loving my husband through all our really difficult times, but sometimes I can't feel the same in love feeling I used to feel. It makes me sad but it doesn't worry me as we do love each other.

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 09:01

No money worries(luckily) and Although he has never really liked his job that is nothing new.

I can't imagine how we start working on this, we have been together 16 years and have 2 small DC so going out together is a rareity,

He says he feels like he has lost his best friend and is lonely.

We have always been quite an insular couple, best mates happy in each others company - it just hurts so much

OP posts:

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 09:04

theresonlyme, does the love thing come and go or does it just fade into loving rather than being in love...

I love him so much my heart still skips a beat when he walks into a room, we have what I thought were petty spats and our sex life is non existant compared to where we were but I have health problems and 2 small dc.

OP posts:

theresonlyme · 24/01/2009 09:06

A few years ago I wasn't sure if I still loved my DH but it wasn't his fault at all. We have had some really tough times and continue to have them but I know I love him. I clock watch until he gets home. I miss him all the time and all I want to do is spend time with him. I think the physical feeling of being in love changes over time. We have been together for 13 years and have 3 small children and are kanckered. Permanently!

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 09:11

I just wish he had spoken to me before it came to this.

Am knackered today as we were up discussing things til 3 am, and dc got up at 6. He is at work til lunchtime.

Is there anything I can do or does it have to come from him.

I think I need to be proactive, but how can you make someone want you if they don't

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 09:12

Definitely, definitely organise some couple time and dates where you have no responsibilities and can just stare into one another's eyes while eating a lovely meal. It works .

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 09:14

Thanks anna, a bit of hope is what I need right now, sitting with tears rolling down my face.

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mankymummy · 24/01/2009 09:15

I think you need to start by asking him what he means by loving someone and by being in love with someone.

That way you can identify whats changed and see if you can do anything about it.

Relationships inevitably change through time and it takes hard work to keep them going let alone on that wonderful initial emotional level.

EllieG · 24/01/2009 09:16

Sorry you are going through this - I would echo what bonsoiranna said - in my personal experience, you as a couple gets lost in life with kids - can anyone look after them for a few evenings or even a weekend while you too try to reconnect?

EllieG · 24/01/2009 09:16

BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 09:17

It's easy to get bogged down in work and family routine and to forget completely about spending time together doing the lovey-dovey couply things that you did pre-children; and it is essential to carry on doing them.

Can you think of a really lovely romantic restaurant near you? Book a table and a babysitter and arrange a date.

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 09:25

Mankymummy, I did ask him during our marathon chat last night.

He said loving someone is deep caring and needing that person in your life, like with your family.He said that he will always love me whatever happens

In his eyes being in love is the emotional spark, connection on a sexual level, and the heart skips a beat stuff.

This was amazing as normally he is very bad at expressing how is feeling, which I suspect is why it has come so far down the line before he has said anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 09:32

He said he had thought briefly about an affair(not with anyone in particular) but had had thoughts about being with someone other than me.

And thats when he realised we needed to sort things out.

I appreciate his honesty and the fact he came to me rather than acted on these thought but I cannot believe he actually said it

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 09:39

It's hard to keep that spark when all your time together is "family life".

mankymummy · 24/01/2009 09:42

well what does he want to do about it?

does he want to leave? stay as you are?

can you live with him if this is how he feels?

happyending · 24/01/2009 10:00

I went through something similar when DS was 4 and DD was 1. DH told me he didn't love me and after long tearfil discussions he left. I was devasted, but the children meant that we had to keep seeing each other and also that I had to keep everything going. We tried counselling but that did not work - and I had the impression that he did not want it to - he wasn't really listening. He stopped counselling, but I carried on for a few session - it was a good space for me to explore my feelings and let out all the negative stuff I didn't want DCs to know. The counsellor said in her experience men rarely if ever leave without having someone else waiting in the wings. DH denied there was anyone else.
ANYWAY after about 3 months (DH still living away) we were getting on better and some of the old friendship seemed to be resurfacing (i felt he had cut himself on from me and refused to see that I was a person) and he became much warmer and we started to do things together. Then he suggested me try counselling again which we did (with someone new as the old counsellor had seen me separately). Gradually things improved and eventually (after about 6-7 months of his leaving), we got back together. things were very hard at first - I discovered he had had an affair - but we kept working at it. It took time but we are still together now 8 years later.
I think he felt trapped by domestic life and wanted to be young and fancy free (the girlfriend was younger), but ultimately he discovered that wasn't what he wanted after all.
It is tough for you - I really feel for you.
Remember the problem is as likely in his head as with you or your relationship.
Good luck

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 10:12

Tbh mankymummy, I think he wants me to give him permission to leave, but when I said as much to him last night he said he doesn't want that, he wants things to get back on track ie not stay as they are.

I am finding the can I live with this the biggest struggle if I am honest. I do not want to be with someone who doesn't really want me, but at the same time, I am not giving up without a bloody good fight.

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BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 10:14

I know you are feeling devastated but please try to see this in a positive light. Your DH has identified a problem in your marriage (lack of romance and sexual spark) and that problem has a potential solution.

Do you feel sexually attractive (in a general sort of way)?

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 10:19

Thanks for sharing happyending, I do believe that with work we can improve things, I have been burying my head in the sand.
Actually what you said about recapturing youth, did hit a note, we were together for 12 years before having dc and I think he has had difficulty with the changes that family bring, responsiblity, me sahm, and we have changed from a fun loving couple who shared everything including domestic and financial responsibilities to a family.

He is also approaching a big birthday and I think he is having a mimi crisis about that as well, diet, exercise, going out with mates to clubs etc.

I do however take some of the blame for how things are, I'm tired, less attentive, and my libido is in my boots(due to health probs, not due to lack of fancying him)

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Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 10:21

Bonsoiranna,
I think that is a big problem , I have always had low self esteem, despite being told I am pretty/attractive by people.
My current health problems( I am going through early menopause) have caused lack of libido and functional problems in that area and I have had a breast lump.

So not feeling all woman atm

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BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 10:47

about your health problems. How does your DH react to them? (please don't answer if this is too difficult/sensitive for you).

But this means that you deserve an extra boost . How about planning a new spring/summer look - hair, make-up, clothes etc?

Original poster

lovesmenot · 24/01/2009 10:58

Dh finds it all hard to comprehend tbh, He thinks I use it as an excuse, but a lot of it is fear of pain.
We have both always had high sex drives so I imagine it is very frustrating for him as well.

So far have had a busy morning in between chatting and looking after dc. SIL is coming over tonight and I have booked a restaurant, not romantic type, I just feel that for today we need to keep talking and not brush it under the carpet.
I ironically had my hair revamped during the week as was feeling a bit frumpy mummy, so feeling good about that. New clothes would be good. DH has been trying to persuade me to buy some new stuff- like I used to wear - for some time, so I feel a shopping trip coming on

OP posts:

Cake · 24/01/2009 11:25

I feel for you, lovesmenot.

But I think you CAN move on from this for several reasons:

(a) he's talked to you openly and for a long time - his willingness to talk rather than being defensive and withdrawn is a good sign.

(b) he hasn't yet left or had an affair.

I think you're being incredibly brave at not just crying about this but arranging more time to talk. Don't try and push the sex, just work on increasing your self-esteem and feelings about yourself at the moment. And I advocate that you tell your DH how YOU feel, that you think he uses your health issues as an excuse, but how fearful you feel. This is your chance to talk about your needs and wants and where you need more connection from him.

On a fun note, as he wants you to get new clothes and you agree, could you arrange a day out for the two of you without kids where you go shopping together and have a nice lunch? He can help you choose clothes, and maybe you can do the same for him. Perhaps end the day out with an early evening cocktail?

BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 11:55

Yes, and have a really good browse at clothes on the internet before going shopping (maybe ask MN Style & Beauty for some help identifying things) so that you can use your time efficiently and be focused.

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