How can I get my head around leaving? (long)

[puffle]

I have name changed but I am a regular poster. I have been thinking about posting for some advice on this but am not sure I can get it all out in writing but I'm going to try.

I have been with my DP for 8 years (we had dated for a few years prior to that but I met someone else and had a DS).

We got back together with my DS was a year old. We had a DD together nearly 4 years ago.

DP has always had a bad temper / short fuse / mood swings etc. We have split up on countless occasions over the years and after all these years I am actually realising that this is who he is and he will never change, despite promises that he will.

He has never actually hit me but has taken swings at me which I have managed to dodge. He tends to throw things around in anger / slam doors / stamp his feet.......

Anyway I realise now that I live to please him. I tip toe around him and tell the kids to do the same when he's in one of his moods. I ring him just to check what mood he is in. He has always been really fussy over the house and an hour or so before he is due home I find myself rushing around making sure everything is in place etc.

He hates all my friends, doesn't like my family, checks my emails, texts, facebook behind my back.

He is very materialistic and always has to have the best car / TV / computer etc. I am not bothered as long as the kids have what they want.

I don't think I have ever been truly happy with him TBH. I hate the mood swings so much and if he's down, it can last for weeks sometimes.

Everyone around me have always said to leave. I want to but I think I'm probably scared of him and scared of what will happen to us if we split.

We rent the house we live in jointly (we sold our house when we last split and I want to didn't buy again).

I just live life pretending everything is OK and I always have a smile for him. If ever I show that I'm down he gets angry with me.....

I know I'm probably not easy to live with because I take quite a laid back approach and if I could would prefer to spend time with the kids than cleaning but all this is making me not feel like me anymore and people have noticed.

I just don't know where to begin.

He is a good dad but is the disciplinarian and is the one that shouts, the kids know this and I think are probably a little bit scared of him too. My DD often won't hug him or kiss him and runs to me saying that she doesn't like him and he should go to jail .

When we've split before he's made things hard and said the last time that he would take me to court over DD, this makes my stomach churn and he knows this.

There are lots of factors and I could sit here and type all morning but the underlying factor is I'm not happy with him and want to leave but have no idea where to start.....

I just read this thread from some time ago, and wondered how you are, puffle. It's now 6 weeks on (the deadline you set yourself to leave). How are you doing?

I'm getting a bit worried about puffle - she hasn't posted since then (at least with this name). I'd really like to know that she's okay.

Hello, unfortunately to say I did not stick to my deadline. So ashamed of myself. I've just allowed myself to get more depressed and feel worthless.

I have recently posted on the mental health thread as I'm pretty much at rock bottom I think.

I still keep a smile on my face for P though - gosh talk about no self-respect eh.........

I was so mentally prepared - I just sunk straight back down and feel lower than ever.......

vacaloca - thank you so much for your concern, so sorry I didn't reply sooner.

I feel so tired .....

Gosh just read through my thread again - where did positive me go .

Thank you to all who advised before, feel I've let you all down ......

puffle,
you haven't let us down.

maybe this cycle of postive and negative energy is only part of the process that will eventually lead you out of this situation?

Maybe it will take you eight weeks or 6 months, but you will get there.

Keep posting.

puffle, I'm so glad you posted again - I've been thinking about you a lot recently and was worried about you.

Please don't be ashamed - you haven't let anyone down. I don't have any experience of this but I understand it must be very difficult to stay positive. Please keep posting here. I'm always in awe of all the wisdom from the regulars who post in this section.

Your thread inspired me to put together all the baby things I'd been planning to ebay and donate them to the local woman's refuge instead. So, you see, you've already achieved something positive .

Oh, Puffle. You haven't let us down at all. Just keep trying to build that strength up...

Thank you.

I do try to keep smiling but the smallest thing tends to set me off. Last night I watched the second half of that "Trophy Kids" programme and I was crying for those poor kids who have their lives dominated by sports and their parents force it upon them, the one boy didn't even have any friends. I sat there weeping to myself and once I start I can't stop, I had to go and run myself a bath so he didn't see my cry.

My boss only has huff at something I've done and I start welling up. So emotionally on edge.......

MNetters are fantastic though, it takes a certain person who can take time from their busy days and sit and type such comforting messages to people they have never met, with nothing in it for themselves.

Thank you xx

Going to take a load of our baby things down to the refuge too. Great idea, vacaloca.

Puffle, you can do this. You really can. Nothing can be worse than feeling how you are doing now. Things can only go up from this point.

Puffle, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I think you need to listen to yourself!

I was in the same or very similar situation just over 3 years ago. I saved up for a few months and then found a private rental for me and the two kids, and left. I told my kids and my husband of my plans when I found the property to rent.
Depending on your income, you'll get tax credits and other top-up benefits (single parent), plus you could get maintenance for your kids, etc. You really will manage financially! It sounds scarier than it is. I got nothing as I earned enough to keep us, and I had no family at all to offer support. But, I still found the whole thing a positive step, difficult, but a good move.

I'd say, talk to CAB, talk to the jobcenter (or those who deal with benefits), get as much info as you can. Also, save a deposit + month or two rent for your new house + you might need to buy some extras, like appliances. I had to get most things again, although, a lot of people donated items to me, which I made use of until over time I could replace them (if required).

I left in the end for the sake of my kids!
It sounds like you should put a plan in action and then leave. It could take a few months to get it all together. Or stay with your parents. Yes it's unsettling, but not for long. The long term results are what you need to concentrate on - a happy family! I got that, and will never look back.

Puffle

I advised you before and would say that you haven't let me down. It is hard to leave and the first step to break out is very hard, you do need a plan and support.

Have you read that book that was recommended to you, was it sent to your Mum's?. You need real life support too.

Hi Attila nice to hear from you again. Yes I received the book. Working my way through it. I'm a bit scared to keep it in the house so it's in work and I'm reading it during my lunches or when my boss is out.

Some bits I'm having to read a few times over to let it sink in.

Well last night my mum told me she is leaving my dad.

I am so fed up , really I am.

When does life stop handing out the crap and giving you some good luck, can I be next please???????

Has anyone heard how Puffle is?

Sorry - hadn't read to the end

Keep strong Puffle. I'm in a very similar situation - desperately want to get out but not sure where to start, or whether I am strong enough. I feel nothing for my controlling P and need to move on for the sake of my DC's. My 13 yo is having anger problems at school and I know he is copying his dad's behaviour.
Thank you everyone for the advice. It's just down to me now.
All the best Puffle and everyone else in this horrendous situation.

Pretty daunting thought to leave Bowbelles, making plans myself and its hard hard hard.

Seems too big a decision for me to make and so much needs to be sorted. I log onto MN every now and then and when I read the replies from mums who have made this huge step I am encouraged that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Read the post with the link about Narcissistic personality disorder and it was very useful. My p fits the profile perfectly. DD very poorly at the weekend and p had no real sympathy or empathy just complained that dd didn't want to play with him!!!! so he ignored her all afternoon!!!!

The bit in the link about trying to reason with a NPD is so true...my head spins at the tangents that he goes off on and that no matter how simply i explain something he just doesn't understand the basic concept that if you are nice to people they are usually nice back, if you are scary and hurtful to people, they wont want to be your friend!!

Good luck bowbelles. I hope Puffle has made the move and is now settled in a new home.

I'm on a waiting list so keeping my fingers crossed!

Hello

Unfortunately I'm still with P, still grinning through the pain. Feel sick as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.

I know it is me who has to sort this out, no-one is able to do it for me but I feel so weak and I worry about what he will be like with me with access for the DCs etc.

I am so with myself.

To know others are in the same boat makes me feel just a little stronger. If I can build on that I know I can make it happen.

Thanks all x

Puffle,

How are things working out for your mum?
will you still be able to move in with her if you choose to?

MrsB, don't think I will. She is just at the age where she qualifies for sheltered housing and is looking into that, which means she will have a 1/2 bed "granny" flat leaving no room for me or kids. She is not doing so through choice, she feels awful that she won't be able to home us if necessary.

It never rains.....it lashes down with me

"To know others are in the same boat makes me feel just a little stronger. If I can build on that I know I can make it happen"

This what you said yesterday.

Hold on to that.

And please, Puffle, forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made.

Your regrets will hold you back. Don't let them.

We are all rooting for you.

You can, and will, get a better life.

PUFFLE, do what you have to do
x