How can I get my head around leaving? (long)

[puffle]

I have name changed but I am a regular poster. I have been thinking about posting for some advice on this but am not sure I can get it all out in writing but I'm going to try.

I have been with my DP for 8 years (we had dated for a few years prior to that but I met someone else and had a DS).

We got back together with my DS was a year old. We had a DD together nearly 4 years ago.

DP has always had a bad temper / short fuse / mood swings etc. We have split up on countless occasions over the years and after all these years I am actually realising that this is who he is and he will never change, despite promises that he will.

He has never actually hit me but has taken swings at me which I have managed to dodge. He tends to throw things around in anger / slam doors / stamp his feet.......

Anyway I realise now that I live to please him. I tip toe around him and tell the kids to do the same when he's in one of his moods. I ring him just to check what mood he is in. He has always been really fussy over the house and an hour or so before he is due home I find myself rushing around making sure everything is in place etc.

He hates all my friends, doesn't like my family, checks my emails, texts, facebook behind my back.

He is very materialistic and always has to have the best car / TV / computer etc. I am not bothered as long as the kids have what they want.

I don't think I have ever been truly happy with him TBH. I hate the mood swings so much and if he's down, it can last for weeks sometimes.

Everyone around me have always said to leave. I want to but I think I'm probably scared of him and scared of what will happen to us if we split.

We rent the house we live in jointly (we sold our house when we last split and I want to didn't buy again).

I just live life pretending everything is OK and I always have a smile for him. If ever I show that I'm down he gets angry with me.....

I know I'm probably not easy to live with because I take quite a laid back approach and if I could would prefer to spend time with the kids than cleaning but all this is making me not feel like me anymore and people have noticed.

I just don't know where to begin.

He is a good dad but is the disciplinarian and is the one that shouts, the kids know this and I think are probably a little bit scared of him too. My DD often won't hug him or kiss him and runs to me saying that she doesn't like him and he should go to jail .

When we've split before he's made things hard and said the last time that he would take me to court over DD, this makes my stomach churn and he knows this.

There are lots of factors and I could sit here and type all morning but the underlying factor is I'm not happy with him and want to leave but have no idea where to start.....

Honeybadger,that was my tactic in the weeks before I left too. Yes sir no sir, business as usual sir.

Start squirling money away and start taking the most important things around to your mum's. Go see a solicitor. Copy all important documents and just LEAVE. You are an amazingly strong human being, not weak. It takes great strength to contemplate leaving when it's easier to stay.

Wish you both (HoneyBadger too) the best of luck. I, like TheStatueofLiffey can't WAIT to see that you've both left.

Lots of love and luck x

Thanks all.

I am writing it here now - I WILL be leaving. It WILL happen within 6 weeks. I know I can do it but I know that I will need just a little time to compose myself fully.

I think that the little time I have allowed myself, with the help of my mum, friends, MN and the Bancroft book, I can get stronger.....hope so anyway.

It's while you're with him that you need the strength Puffle. But it isn't inexhaustable...

I don't need as much strong now that I've left. The normal every day things don't require 'strength' anymore.

I hope that makes sense. NOw, I get to use whatever strength I want to use for the things I want in my life. I'm not just using up every scrap of strength to get through the day and stay sane. Like I did for years. I was strong then, MAD not to leave, but I was strong. I know that now. You are too.

I'm thinking of you, and even though I can't do much, I am willing you to leave.... willing you to leave him and be happier.

Sorry, that 2nd line was supposed to read 'I don't need as much strength now that I've left'

TSOL - thank you so much.

Did you ever have this constant, like, lump in your throat like you were either gonna cry or be sick or something. Is that anxiety? It's horrible.

I also feel like constantly eating. I lost 2 stone last year and have put 7lbs back on already

I keep having texts from my best friend who is worried about me.

I guess I am lucky to have so much support really.

I did puffle. I did. Sometimes I would be walking back to the house and the effort it took not to cry would make it difficult to breath in. I've heard of a lump in the throat, but this was like anaphalactic shock sometimes. I had to gasp in air through my nose.

Don't worry about 7lbs right now! If a few midnight peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwiches helps you right now, don't even think about depriving yourself of that support.

You will have the energy to focus on your body when you leave! Right now, worry about your mental health!

xxxxx

\Puffle, hope you're ok. You probably won't get a chance to log in when he's around, but I remember how I used to dread the weekends. Two whole days of him, it was torture..

hope things are ok today?

puffle, well done, stay strong, make your move sooner rather than later. Only then can you start putting your life back together.

One other thing...can you learn how to delete history from your internet browser?

Leave the Facebook stuff as it is to give him something to look at when he snoops...but delete the mumsnet stuff?

Do you know how to do this?

Hi all

Yes way ahead on the internet history deleting. Been doing it for ages!!

He's in work today and he usually is on a Saturday which is nice. I so look forward to it. He's really noticing a difference in me now.

So I have ordered the recommended book, hopefully it will arrive soon.

Thanks all for your continued support, means a lot xxxx

so glad you've ordered the book. Hopefully it will get there quickly and it will be a further source of support for you.

We are all on your side.

Puffle, well done for ordering the book. I really think it will help you, it has become invaluable to me. I'm working my way through it at the moment, and it's filled me with strength I didn't know I could ever find again.
I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me! Take care x

Feeling sad today

Luckily he's in work again so just me and DCs which I love.

I am actually hating him being around, hate the sound he makes when he eats, hate him touching me, hate his smell, hate his voice. Yet I still allow him to touch me, kiss me, all those things - why can't I just tell him to eff off????

The weather is so calm here today, ironic really. No wind at all. I find myself just staring out of the window and feeling jealous of the birds flying around !!!!

It's my exP's (DS dad) 30th birthday next week and yesterday I ordered his present from DS. I got him a star, you know you can 'buy' a star and name it for someone and it 'belongs' to that person. After I ordered it I thought I've never even thought that my P would like something like that and have never wanted to buy him anything special, here I am ordering gifts for my exP - oh where did it all go so wrong???

I always put others before me and I'd give my last penny to anyone but P, that's so awful isn't it?

xx

No completely normal, given your situation. It's just another confirmation that you are doing the right thing in planning to leave. Chin up.. just think... very soon you'll be at your mums and will no longer have him touching or kissing you any more. xx

Wanted to send big hugs to you puffle. I'm so glad you've found lots of folk on mn to talk to and support you.

puffle I hope you're ok

I keep checking this thread to see how things are going.

You are in my thoughts.

Hi, still here......

We had a really long talk last night. Like 4 hour long talk.

He said that he's really sorry and feeling really guilty etc etc etc. This was after a huge argument yesterday over something he saw on facebook that he didn't like (a 'hello' message from a bloke I used to work with!!!). I deleted my f.book account afterwards as I'm so sick of of the unreasonable accusations.

He said he feels depressed and worthless. I was honest and told him my exact feelings, he didn't bite back and listened to me.

Feel now like I should help him........or is this just his manipulative way of twisting my thoughts??? So confused.

Hi Puffle

Sometime it feels like being on a roller coaster living with these men!

I would say he is manipulating you. Firstly he has got what he wants by making you feel you had to delete your facebook account - it's a way of isolating you and making you feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong.

Secondly, even if he is suffering from depression and low self-esteem, this is no excuse for his previous abusive behaviour. Plenty of depressed people do not abuse their partners, he makes a choice when he does this.

Only time will tell if he really means that he is sorry. Has he agreed to make any changes to his behaviour as a result of your discussions?

I have been in this situation and my H was nice as pie for up to 4 months but gradually, slowly it all began again.

None of this is your fault, it must be making your head spin.

All best wishes

Puffle

So he feels depressed and worthless eh?. And what about you?. In his eyes you don't count for anything.

He got what he wanted; he got you to delete your FB account.

HoneyBadger is right. He is manipulating you again, this is all designed to draw you back into his web. Do not be taken inby his weasel words. These people do not let go of their victims easily.

He does not want help, nor should you be the one to try and help him. DO not go there!.

Listen to what your Mum has said about him as well. Listen to what your daughter has said, you also remember what he said post giving you flowers?.

puffle I totally understand your confusion.

And I agree with honey and atila..be VERY wary. It is not your responsibility to help him to change. It has to come from him.

There is a useful chapter in that Lundy Bancroft book on how to identify if a man who is promising to change IS actually changing. It involves a major taking of responsibility by the abuser. Has the book arrived yet?

What would happen if you said to your dh that actually you are going to reopen your facebook account because you like to keep up to date with your friends? If he really intends to change he should have no objection whatsoever.

One of the key factors with the abuser is that he feels (very deep down inside)ENTITLED to behave the way he does. To change he has to totally give up that entitlement.

Has he told you how he intends to do this?

Hey all

Not been feeling well for a few days. It doesn't help that I work for an accountant who is not the nicest of people, as it's the busiest time of the year for us (tax return deadlines) he is being really snappy, rude and bad mannered. It just takes the piss really.

Got no money at all and no food in the house.

Had a huge row with P over the Barclaycard bill yesterday (christmas spending), but he didn't call me names or say it was all my fault or stop me using it as he ususally would ......i'm so confused I could scream.

My head is so all over the place. I suffer with migraines and I feel one coming on

Can anyone understand my confusion or am I just being a wet blanket????

Book hasn't arrived yet - soon hopefully.

He is off for the whole of this weekend and we've no money to do anything so we shall see what he's gonna be like......

u r not being a wet blanket and can totally understand your confusion.

When the book comes, it will make you really angry with him but it will also help you to understand your confusion.

I agree with everyone else.
I expect a lot of women would/do put up with it for the rest of their lives.
I hope youre not one of them.