How can I get my head around leaving? (long)

[puffle]

I have name changed but I am a regular poster. I have been thinking about posting for some advice on this but am not sure I can get it all out in writing but I'm going to try.

I have been with my DP for 8 years (we had dated for a few years prior to that but I met someone else and had a DS).

We got back together with my DS was a year old. We had a DD together nearly 4 years ago.

DP has always had a bad temper / short fuse / mood swings etc. We have split up on countless occasions over the years and after all these years I am actually realising that this is who he is and he will never change, despite promises that he will.

He has never actually hit me but has taken swings at me which I have managed to dodge. He tends to throw things around in anger / slam doors / stamp his feet.......

Anyway I realise now that I live to please him. I tip toe around him and tell the kids to do the same when he's in one of his moods. I ring him just to check what mood he is in. He has always been really fussy over the house and an hour or so before he is due home I find myself rushing around making sure everything is in place etc.

He hates all my friends, doesn't like my family, checks my emails, texts, facebook behind my back.

He is very materialistic and always has to have the best car / TV / computer etc. I am not bothered as long as the kids have what they want.

I don't think I have ever been truly happy with him TBH. I hate the mood swings so much and if he's down, it can last for weeks sometimes.

Everyone around me have always said to leave. I want to but I think I'm probably scared of him and scared of what will happen to us if we split.

We rent the house we live in jointly (we sold our house when we last split and I want to didn't buy again).

I just live life pretending everything is OK and I always have a smile for him. If ever I show that I'm down he gets angry with me.....

I know I'm probably not easy to live with because I take quite a laid back approach and if I could would prefer to spend time with the kids than cleaning but all this is making me not feel like me anymore and people have noticed.

I just don't know where to begin.

He is a good dad but is the disciplinarian and is the one that shouts, the kids know this and I think are probably a little bit scared of him too. My DD often won't hug him or kiss him and runs to me saying that she doesn't like him and he should go to jail .

When we've split before he's made things hard and said the last time that he would take me to court over DD, this makes my stomach churn and he knows this.

There are lots of factors and I could sit here and type all morning but the underlying factor is I'm not happy with him and want to leave but have no idea where to start.....

Puffle, your mum and sister sound like mine. They held back for fear of being seen to 'encourage me to leave'. Which was a good thing. WHen I left, it should have been clear that it was my decision to leave, and that I had the right to leave!!! Of course he thought I had committed a huge crime by leaving him, and announced that my parents had made it too easy for me by helping me. He seemed to think they should have left me in misery! He still thinks that.

Anyway, before you leave post all your important documents to your parents or sister. Or, just fix a time for your parents to come around and pack your most important things and go

I did it and it is possible. Don't think about unsettling your children. Going to live with your parents would be a move for the better and will do them only good.

My dc1 aged 4 had regressed to wetting her knickers again just before we left. That stopped after about ten days with her (maternal) grandparents. She is less whingey, more confident, less shy, more sociable, more imaginative, more mischievous!! because she dares to be naughty sometimes now!!

don't think about your posssessions too much. I left almost everything behind when I started again. You buy what you need most and the rest you accumulate in time. It is not the end of the World, honestly. Don't let mere possessions, stuff I can guarantee you'll have forgotten you ever owned in a year's time tie you to this man, and this life.

We are rooting for you here, so many of us have been through this..

xx

Atila, I also thought that my x was a good dad. Now I realise that although he didn't direct his anger specifically at them, they suffered because of the horrible atmosphere. They are so much happier now just seeing him once a month.

Puffle - Attila is so right. My step dad was an abusive control freak. I left home at the first opportunity - straight into a relationship with a carbon copy of my step dad Don't let history repeat itself.

Possessions are just "stuff" - they're not important in the scheme of things

Just because he doesn't beat you (yet ) it doesn't mean he isn't abusing you. I spent so many years thinking things weren't that bad, but when someone basically stops you (and your dc's) being the person they are meant to be, then they are definitely abusing you.

Puffle,

It was not my intention to bring tears to your eyes. He may well be "nice" to your children sometimes but he is being Jekyll and Hyde with them too. Their behaviour is being affected by him; their own actions are indicative of this. Look at what your DD says about him.

Controlling men are often very plausible to those in the outside world. He is not nice often enough to remain with.

Mental abuse (and would also say physical as well in your case as he has tried to hit you previously, it is but a small step from hitting furntiure to hitting you) is just as damaging as physical abuse. You need to leave before you and your children become further damaged by him. You'd all be better off sleeping at your parents house than to remain with him in this house of emotional harm.

I know of three women, all friends of mine, who have had controlling partners. Note the word "had" here. They all managed to leave and so can you and the children. Do contact Womens Aid and take those steps to leave.

I wish you well, I hope that you and Honey Badger who I have written to before do leave.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, puffle. I have no practical advice on how you leave a man like this other than to agree with the others that you will have to sooner or later.

I was also going make the point that you said your P is a good dad but I see Attila beat me to it.

The evidence that he is not a good dad is before your eyes. Your DD doesn't want to go near him and sees to be actively running away. A good dad would not get this reaction for his own DD. Does she say why she wants him to go to jail? He must have said or done something quite bad for her to react in this way.

He is also having an adverse influence on your DS if you think he is becoming like him.

I really do think you have to move out for the sake of your children.

Please don't think me nosy but I was wondering what happened to the proceeds of the sale of the house you had. I ask only because I was hoping that he hasn't taken them and has them stashed somewhere.

Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for you. You really do deserve to be happy.

Thank you all again so much your advices.

I will contact Womens Aid as a first priority. I need to work out a way to get a bit of money in place but I think a short period at my parents might be the best bet.

My stomach is in knots and I have a dull ache in my head which is not going away. I also keep getting coldsores all the time, one after another, all signs of stress and tension no doubt.

I have a little problem though in that my parents only live two streets away so he will have to drive / walk past the house just to get out of the estate......no way of hiding.

Niecie - the house was in negative equity anyway so no proceeds stashed away unfortunately........

Puffle, it's sad there's no money, but there's nothing to hang on to or hope for either. There's freedom in that.

I feel for you. As I said before on MN, in May 2007 I posted my own thread, very, very like yours. It did rip the rug from under me. But it shook me up in a good way. It lifted the bag off my head long enough for me to realise, I am OUT OF HERE!

I didn't have a deposit on a house when I left either. It's only now that I can start to save for one. Thanks to my parents.

puffle, there are tears in my eyes reading this thread (and so many like them)

you sound lovely and you and your children don't deserve to be terrorized in this way

your son is at a very influence-able (is that a word ??) age, he will pick up on every harsh word, slammed door and verbal put-down

your parents want the best for you, I bet you haven't even told them the half of it! Please go and stay with them, get some help from WA and speak to your friends anf family in RL

stop protecting this man and trying to maintain the facade of a healthy relationship. Any man who dips straight into your FB account when you nip to the shops and tells you who you can/cannot socialise with is inadequate and controlling

when he realises his control is slipping, the abuse will escalate and very possibly become very, very nasty if not physical

stay safe and reach out to your family

Oh, what if he lashes out at me ......

I keep taking in some deep breaths and trying to get things straight in my head.

He just rang "gonna be a bit late home babes, sorry for yesterday, been on my mind all day, shall we have a sit down tonight and watch something on telly"...... I've heard stuff like this for so long and for so long this usually brings relief and I would think "he'll be in a good mood tonight, phew" and I'd welcome him home with a hug and a cup of tea waiting.......god wait have I made myself into

I've had a quick look on the WA website and got the number. I need to ring them but when I'm on my own, don't want one of the kids to hear or P (of course).

I rang my mum when I left work, told her that I'm going to leave and for good but things will be tough and I need to get things into order......she was almost crying and asked me "I'm so glad you can see him for who he really is".......

sorry pressed too early....

mum asked me "please come and stay with us love, the kids won't want for anything" so the support is there which I know.

Puffle look how far you've come even since starting this thread!

You really can do this.

Puffle, don't be afraid of it. The worst violence my x put me through was the day I left. But I took photos of it that time! Finally!!!! I had the proof! After that I knew he'd never do it again. I had further to run though.

Your Mum sounds lovely. Mine has been too. Just let her be your Mum and look after you for a bit. If it were your daughter wouldn't you be in absolute torment wanting to help her if she wouldn't let you help her, wouldn't help herself?!?

What do you need from your house?! What do you REALLY need? birth certs, passports?

Take them and put the children's coats on and go to your Mum's. I swear to you, everything else will fall into place over time. A quick trip to tesco tomorrow to buy a few bits and you'll be grand.

xx

Puffle - well done. Keep us informed and speak to WA.

Look after yourself x

I really wish you all the best and am thinking of you. Try to be strong - you will get through this. XXX

Puffle, you're amazing - only just skim read the thread.

Could you ring the police (not 999) and ask to speak to a domestic violence team officer; ask also to be put on their red alert list - IF he kicks off, 999 will get them to you pronto.

I'm so, so glad you're contemplating leaving - please try to stay so brave and do it.

You're amazing

Ah thanks everyone!

P was being super nice last night and trying to show me he was feeling guilty and sorry for making me feel so crap.

He said that it's not me who causes the problems it's him and he's trying hard not to be like it.

Should I believe him? Should I try and help him?

He actually cried and said he's worried he will lose us......

if you are undure and think "oh maybe he will change" --remember the bad times. that is how they work - cycle of abuse -

take some stuff to your mums now. documents, some clothes. so you ready to leave at moments notice.

you have the support of your mum. take it.

arrange when you will leave to your mums. have a friend with you.

tell him you are glad he wants to change things. but life has been so difficult.

tell him you are going to your mum's for a while with the children.

that you are giving him the space he needs to go to therapy eg anger management and seek help.

that he can see you and kids in public places eg parks, leisure centres and if it goes well then you will reviiew in a few months.

that is more tha reasonable.

now before you do this speak to domestic violence unit and have them put alert on your phone. becuase when you tell him this he will - if he really wants to change -say yes i understand and will do my best to prove to you i have changed.

or -more likely given what you have said - he will storm and rant and say "you cant do this to me2 . he will become violent and smash something or you... to make you change your mind. at this poitn you ened to dial 999.

or he will do the crying poor me version."i will be lost without you" - of course he will he likes to have someone to moan and comapin and be angry at. this scenario tugs at you but you ahve to be strong and say "i AM leaving, get yourself sorted" .

so - if you can, have a friend with you and be ready to call police if he kicks off.

he kicked off at me when i began making it clear i was going to move out - actually he found the rental agreement in my handbag...)

when i left ie actually moved out with my stuff -turned up with my friends to help move stuff - i even actually arranged for HIS friend to be there for him - i was so kind to him!!

Puffle, step away from it. Don't waste your one precious life trying to fix this man.

You don't owe him your life on a plate. He's made you and your children miserable and you could reach out for a better life. He can still see your daughter.

You don't owe him yet another chance. THese men alternate from nice to nasty from nice to nasty and so on. Wehn I left my x he was outraged, then nice, then nasty and so on and so on until he crawled under a stone and left us alone, except for handovers.

You don't need to stay with this man and fix him. You can't fix him. Please, please don't try to.

Your Mum is probably in a lot of distress watching you sacrafice your life to this arsehole. My Mum got the spring back in HER step too the day I left the man who'd bullied me and controlled me. I am so glad I'm not putting my Mum through that anymore.

Carpe Diem Puffle!

You're close to leaving. DOn't lose your nerve now. Reach out to that lovely Mum of yours and take your children to a stable happy atmosphere.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Puffle - has he been super nice and apologetic before ? Has he said he will change ? Has he said he loves you and doesn't want to lose you etc, ?

And did he then go on to be nasty/controlling ? Has he changed ? Do you, honestly, deep down, believe he can or will change ?

If the answer the first paragraph of questions is yes and the the answer to the second paragraph is no - then you know what you have to do

You have come so far mentally preparing yourself - don't let him weasle his way back in. The younger the dc's are, the easier they will find it to cope with a separation

"P was being super nice last night and trying to show me he was feeling guilty and sorry for making me feel so crap.

He said that it's not me who causes the problems it's him and he's trying hard not to be like it.

Should I believe him? Should I try and help him?

He actually cried and said he's worried he will lose us"

Puffle

Re the above you wrote.

Well he's not trying hard enough and does not want to.

Don't be taken in by his weaselly words, they all say this. Its all designed to suck you back in, he does not want to let you go easily. Do not try to help him (just don't go there) or believe his weasel words, believe in yourself instead!!!. This is all part of their controlling behaviours. My friend's controlling H is very similar and turns on the tears. Its all highly manipulative and designed to bring you back into line so he can continue to control you and emotionally abuse you and the children.

This is one of the few threads on Mumsnet that has truly bothered me, and had me thinking about it even when I am doing stuff offline. Puffle, I urge to to take the excellent chance you have and leave now. The future is opening up to you but you need to take the opportunity offered and just go for it.
You can do it! Don't give up now. He's trying every trick in the book (and I swear these men seem to know all the same ruses) but you're smarter than that, don't be taken in anymore. Get the kids, a few important things and just go to your mums. Be happy. x

Oh god

I'm in work and just had a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to the office. Roses, lillies etc and in my favourite colours.....

The card just reads "Love P".....