How can I get my head around leaving? (long)

[puffle]

I have name changed but I am a regular poster. I have been thinking about posting for some advice on this but am not sure I can get it all out in writing but I'm going to try.

I have been with my DP for 8 years (we had dated for a few years prior to that but I met someone else and had a DS).

We got back together with my DS was a year old. We had a DD together nearly 4 years ago.

DP has always had a bad temper / short fuse / mood swings etc. We have split up on countless occasions over the years and after all these years I am actually realising that this is who he is and he will never change, despite promises that he will.

He has never actually hit me but has taken swings at me which I have managed to dodge. He tends to throw things around in anger / slam doors / stamp his feet.......

Anyway I realise now that I live to please him. I tip toe around him and tell the kids to do the same when he's in one of his moods. I ring him just to check what mood he is in. He has always been really fussy over the house and an hour or so before he is due home I find myself rushing around making sure everything is in place etc.

He hates all my friends, doesn't like my family, checks my emails, texts, facebook behind my back.

He is very materialistic and always has to have the best car / TV / computer etc. I am not bothered as long as the kids have what they want.

I don't think I have ever been truly happy with him TBH. I hate the mood swings so much and if he's down, it can last for weeks sometimes.

Everyone around me have always said to leave. I want to but I think I'm probably scared of him and scared of what will happen to us if we split.

We rent the house we live in jointly (we sold our house when we last split and I want to didn't buy again).

I just live life pretending everything is OK and I always have a smile for him. If ever I show that I'm down he gets angry with me.....

I know I'm probably not easy to live with because I take quite a laid back approach and if I could would prefer to spend time with the kids than cleaning but all this is making me not feel like me anymore and people have noticed.

I just don't know where to begin.

He is a good dad but is the disciplinarian and is the one that shouts, the kids know this and I think are probably a little bit scared of him too. My DD often won't hug him or kiss him and runs to me saying that she doesn't like him and he should go to jail .

When we've split before he's made things hard and said the last time that he would take me to court over DD, this makes my stomach churn and he knows this.

There are lots of factors and I could sit here and type all morning but the underlying factor is I'm not happy with him and want to leave but have no idea where to start.....

Another ruse unfortunately to suck you back in and tug on your heartstrings.

He's being very manipulative here, he knows how to control you.

Would like to remind you what you wrote in your initial post

"DP has always had a bad temper / short fuse / mood swings etc. We have split up on countless occasions over the years and after all these years I am actually realising that this is who he is and he will never change, despite promises that he will.

He has never actually hit me but has taken swings at me which I have managed to dodge. He tends to throw things around in anger / slam doors / stamp his feet.......

Anyway I realise now that I live to please him. I tip toe around him and tell the kids to do the same when he's in one of his moods. I ring him just to check what mood he is in. He has always been really fussy over the house and an hour or so before he is due home I find myself rushing around making sure everything is in place etc.

He hates all my friends, doesn't like my family, checks my emails, texts, facebook behind my back.

He is very materialistic and always has to have the best car / TV / computer etc. I am not bothered as long as the kids have what they want.

I don't think I have ever been truly happy with him TBH. I hate the mood swings so much and if he's down, it can last for weeks sometimes.

Everyone around me have always said to leave. I want to but I think I'm probably scared of him and scared of what will happen to us if we split.

"My DD often won't hug him or kiss him and runs to me saying that she doesn't like him and he should go to jail".

And he's now sent you flowers. Flowers my arse.

i have read your op, and only want to comment on that.

There doesn't seem to be any reason to stay with him.

You can get away, women do it all the time, I guess the fear is the only thing that makes you continue to live a life you hate, and one that you are used too even tho it's horrible.

He sounds vile, and you and your kids would be alot happier away from it.
you can't change him.

I know you are so right and I believe all the things you are saying now and in my head I am strong enough to do it but there is this feeling in my stomach which makes me feel like I can't. Last night before he came home I did what some of you suggested and got all the important docs together, passports, birth certs, driving licence etc etc and my hands were physically shaking. I started sweating and I went dizzy.

How can I pack up and leave when I know (and have been before) a quivering wreck! I am with myself for letting myself get this way and I so so want to leave but there is just this wall that I can't seem to break down.

Puffle, I was thinking of you too while I was on my way to collect dc1.
I wanted to make another point to you!

You said this to me yesterday

"TSOL - unfortunately, I too wish that P would die and I've not told that to anyone before. It would make things so much easier......"

I am not shocked, I used to feel this way, but ask yourself why on earth would a sane woman stay with a man she wishes might die?????

It's not right is it? If you stayed, it would not be for your sake would it? It would be for his. You'd stay to suit him. For an 'easy life'. But it won't be an easy life. It'll be a hard life, because you can never fix him.

Put yourself first. You don't owe him anything. Don;t stay with him out of some misguided sense of duty. He is not your duty.

Sorry if it seems like I am shouting at you. I'm not shouting for you. I'm really rooting for you iykwym.

Remember, your Mum said to you that she loves you and the children and she wants to support you and that the children will not want for anything.

Puffle, don't worry about packing.

In a way, that shit is your old life. I left everything behind, 20 months ago, and I can only remember one or two things that I miss.

Only take what can't be replaced. I wish I'd taken my photos and my oboe. But the clothes!? They've more or less all been replaced. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be starting from scratch with one set of clothes.

In a way, it helped draw a line under the old me and the new beginning.

Puffle, the biggest bunch of flowers x ever sent me was when it dawned on him that he'd lost me.

When I didn't capitulate instantly he became angry again. Angry that I wasn't 'grateful' and appreciative of the money he'd spent on flowers he'd seen as unnecessary to start with!!

Dear Puffle

I feel a bit hypocritical typing this when I still have not left my own similar situation due to practical difficulties.

In February 2008 I tried to leave my DH and it was horrendous. He threatened suicide, drove all night around the country buying tablets, promised me he would change and worse of all the next morning got our DD (aged 9) to beg me not to split the family up. He also thumped the wall breaking his hand.

Within 8 weeks he was back to his old ways and by July he had punched me around the head (for the first time) 4 times after pushing me onto a sofa. I blamed myself because I had slapped him around the face first (so ashamed) but now realise that in comparison that would not have been a major threat to his safety. However he describes it as "the night you attacked me"

I have given him the benefit of the doubt several times but he always reverts to type and now I am tiptoeing around while I make arrangements to leave.

Sincerely hope this helps.

Puffle - you are a wreck because he has made you a wreck. This is what he has done to you. He has sapped any confidence, esteem or strength you ever had . I promise you within a really short time of getting rid of him you will start to get it back. Its like taking away drugs from an addict - initially it will be awful - but the longer you are away from him, the better it will be be.

HB - so for you. Hope you are free very soon too x

Puffle

That wall is in your head, you can break that wall down.

You only have one life - make the most of it. You can do this, you can make a better life for you and your children.

I am rooting for both you and HoneyBadger.

Attila

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please find the strength to leave for your DC. He won't change and you are in that cycle of emotional abuse. I went through it, no physical violence, but emotional abuse and horribly low self-esteem. I just thought that it was what happened in a normal relationship.... Luckily no kids involved.

I'm now have a loving DH and have spent the last 8 years amazed that I mustered up the strength to leave. It took me a long time to let go of all that hurt and to realise that I wasn't the hideous person that he made me think I was.

Thinking of you, and of HoneyBadger.

"Initially I was devastated, having thought he was the love of my life. But soon I began to realise how much my life had revolved around keeping him happy, and being sensitive to his moods. It's very tiring constantly watching out for how someone else feels. It's not until you break away that you can truly appreciate how much it governs your life."

RachelG describes how I am feeling.
I am alone, I am a wreck but I am FREE.
I cant tell you how good it feels, knowing every day is mine alone and every minute I am healing and on my way to happiness.

It's okay to be a wreck when faced with leaving, totally understandable . This man is not sorry he has done this to you, which is why you have to leave. You will when you are ready. X

Puffle, 20 months ago I didn't know if I could do it either. I honestly thought that braver women than I were the kinds that left.
I'm not particularly brave. But I had a moment of lucidity and I left with the clothes we all stood up in.

It's true what Tillyscout'smum says, when you first leave it's a 'hump' in that you're no longer in auto pilot. Everything's been shaken up dramatically. You feel terrified, exhilarated, emotional, overwhelmed...... but after a very short while, things start to get better again. so much better.

If you leave, don't go back to him. You will have used up all your energy escaping the first time. So if you leave, don't go back.

I want to see you posting from your MUM's house, telling us that you have left.

puffle, please buy Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Buy it as soon as you can, on Amazon? it will take two days to get to you. Have it sent to your mum's.

You will recognise your H in there. You will only need to read half a chapter. then you will start to a understand more clearly what you are already feeling.

Then you will start to feel such fury towards your H and what he has done to you that it will propel you out of that door without looking back.

Re leaving: Bancroft says that usually these abusers cannot ever change, BUT if there is to be even the remotest chance of that happening, the victim must leave. He goes on to say that if the victim has previously left, and returned, then the second absence must be substantially longer than the first.

So, if you have any hopes still of things working out try to understand that you must leave ANYWAY.

Please get this book, it will help you.

Puffle, please leave. Don't keep finding reasons to stay just because in the short term it seems easier.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life caught in the same loop and pattern of abuse with this man?

Are you still around puffle? Hope you're ok.

Hello

I am feeling really weak today .

After the flowers yesterday I got home and his words to me were 'do I get a thank you blow job'.....! He tried laughing it off as a joke but those were his exact words.

I have made a list of things I need to do and have given myself 6 weeks to do them all in.

I have promised myself that I will stick to this but at the same time I feel sick.

Puffle

Bloody hell Puffle. That is another way of him showing you his true nature. Controllers cannot hide their true nature for very long.

What did you say to that comment of his?. What a total and sorry excuse for a man he is.

You may feel sick now but he'll make you feel even sicker the longer you all put up with his emotional controlling abuses. He will destroy you all if you stay with him.
You will indeed stick to that list you've made and you have six weeks. I will monitor this thread of yours, you need real life support though as well as MN. Your Mum is certainly on your side, use her support too.

Would also recommend you read the publication by Lundy Bancroft that mumonthenet suggested.

Infact you all need to be away from him well before that six weeks time limit you've set is up.

I know Attila but he's said 'joking' comments like this for years and I just thought they were normal.......My response was a dirty look and muttered 'you're disgusting'.....

I think I've given myself six weeks because I am feeling so many different things at the moment. I think that this time the penny has finally dropped and I feel angry and upset that I've let it go on for so long. I am also pathetically scared of him and I need to gain just a little bit of strength which I think is slowly building.

I am going to order that book and start reading it, perhaps that will help me get my mind set.

HB - how are you getting on with your planning?

Puffle - use the 6 weeks effectively, don't just use it as a time lag for him to change your mind. Buy the book, squirrel money away, speak to a solicitor (take your tenancy agreement and make sure you know where you stand, Speak to her about possible injunctions if things get nasty and about access/maintenance etc.) get your important documents together. Use it to plan your exit. Keep posting and keep your family informed and if at any moment it looks like the abuse will escalate then leave immediately

Hi Puffle,

He is truly disgusting.

Please do not blame yourself though for being with such a man in the first place - controlling men can be very plausible to everyone in the outside world as well. It is only however, behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. They cannot hide it forever.

Am certain as well he was all sweetness and light to you at first, couldn't do enough for you. These people as well gradually ratch up the control over time so you become conditioned to it. If he had acted in an overtly controlling way to begin with (i.e socially isolating you from family and friends) you would have run a mile and not looked back.

You have six weeks, you must plan your escape in the meantime. If you are not able to go to a bookstore to buy a copy ask your Mum to order it online for you.

I wish you the best of luck, I am rooting for both you and HoneyBadger.

Puffle - Attila is right - don't blame yourself. I look back now and can not believe I "allowed" myself to be with someone who controlled and changed me so much. I still can't quite get my head round how he did it and when I was with him, I didn't realise how bad it was. I'm not stupid or weak but these men are incredibly manipulative. Its scary.

I'm OK thanks Puffle. It's great that you are recognising that what he says is not normal or right. That's a huge step.

Do try and get the book if you can, it is uncanny how much power you get from knowing why he does and says the things he does. It took about 3-4 weeks for my book to come to my parents house from Amazon as for some reason it came from the US. Then I read a bit each night under the bedclothes with a mini-torch before H comes to bed! I hide it in a shoebox under the bed with the shoes and tissue paper on top! As you P seems fairly similar to mine in his tactics I can guuarantee you'll recognise him in the pages.

Now, every day he makes some fatuous comment like your P's blow job remark and I say "yes darling, no darling and smile sweetly as right now I am keeping things very very calm at home.

But inside I am lauging and smiling because now I know exactly why he can turn from nasty to charming in a few days and I'm thinking you pathetic little man it's not my fault though you say everything is, and in a few weeks I'll be shot of you forever. I'm angry now (although a few weeks ago I was a wreck) and that's when I get the power back!

I'll keep checking in with you too Puffle if that's OK. I've set my deadline for first week of March and I'm frightened to death too, mostly about his reaction, and have so much to arrange.

Keep your chin up and remember that you will have a lot of support when the time comes from your family and from MN. I'm going to ring Women's Aid again later as I have some more questions to ask them and they are brilliantly helpful.

All the best
XX

Puffle, You're not weak, you're just overwhelmed. All the old denials are coming crashing down around you. That denial was your coping mechanism for a long time, and now that there's a chink in the denial, you feel 'weak' but it's not weakness, it's not. It's your real emotional response to what's been happening to you for so long. And even though it feels horrible, it's the real you, peeping up from under the parapet for the first time in YEARS......

Can you start bringing things 'round to your Mum's while he is at work? Just the most important things.

It's 20 months since I moved in with my Mum and Dad and it that space of time I've achieved so much imo. I've saved more money in the last year than I would have thought possible, thanks to M&D of course, shoring me up financially, I learned to drive (he would never pay to put me on insurance of his car, or pay for lessons etc) I've just signed up to do a course in September! I could go on..... but this is just my story, but I really do feel like anything is possible now, I just have to push myself!

I wish I could go 'round to your house now, with a van, and take you to your Mum's where you belong. You're so close.

Once you leave, you will get such a feeling of peace every night when you climb in to bed alone, thankful that you stepped OUT of that hideous parallel universe you could still be in. Believe me.

It took me a long time to get around to leaving too, but why have you decided to wait six weeks? Your Mum lives round the corner. You should go now while your resolve is strong. It might weaken in the next 6 weeks, don't wait. Just grab you bag and walk out the door and go to your Mum's.

HoneyBadger, all of this goes for you too of course. I can't wait to log on here and read that you have both left.