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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what is wrong with me. None of it makes logical sense.

45 replies

NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 16:36

I love my DH and we were very happy together but I still really miss my ex. No plans to do anything about it. Just wish I could go back to how I was.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 18/01/2009 16:42

new chapter - there are just too many what ifs we allow them,

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 16:45

He told me I analyze things to much but I alway have.

And when I say go back, I mean to how things were with DH.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 18/01/2009 16:50

but if you are a woman you will always anylise things too much.

Try not to dwell on the what ifs too much and enjoy what you have now and if that is wonderful then work on it.

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 16:52

I just keep thinking what if it doesn't go back to how it was?

What if I do end up leaving and then wishing I had gone sooner? I can't see me leaving tbh but it might not be my choice.

What if I still feel the same in 10 years?

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 18/01/2009 16:55

so was your ex recent - is it an affair?

Why are you so happy with h?

Sorry for questions but just wanted to know.

preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 16:59

Hey you ok?
It will be alright...
I analyze things to death.... Its a family habit....
I think if you are the product of a bad childhood it can be difficult as an adult. I know half of my problem is because my childhood was like a rollercoaster and when things are just ok at home I get bored.
Maybe even cause problems where there aren't any.
Cat me if you like.....

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 17:11

ex is from years back

recent contact

emotional affair I guess [ashamed]

PD - going on email now. not great tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 17:20

I am happy with DH as he is the best man in the world. I owe him everything tbh. He has stood by me through depression, strops, being off in my head with someone else, m/cs, PND, AND..... the list goes on.

He is my prize for my crap upbringing. Not sure what he did wrong to get me though.

OP posts:
preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 18:13

I am sure he doesn't see that you are his 'booby prize'
I am sure he just gets you and understands why you do the things you do....

AnyFucker · 18/01/2009 18:15

NAB, when are going to let this go?

When your marriage is in ruins?

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 18:58

I thought I could talk on here so that I didn't have to let Dh know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/01/2009 19:27

NAB, you have talked lots on here.

You have had lots of good advice and sympathy.

You don't sound any further on along the path of accepting your lot in life.

Have you taken any of it on board?

Tbh, if you were my friend in RL, I would have told you to shape up by now and stop wallowing in self pity.

Either that or take steps to end your marriage, you are not being fair on him when your heart and thoughts are so obviously elsewhere.

Sounds harsh, but tis from a good place

NotQuiteCockney · 18/01/2009 19:33

I can't be the first person to suggest this, but ... therapy?

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 19:34

I don't want sympathy. Don't deserve it and no reason for it.

I have taken things on board.

I am not emailing or texting him.

I cna't help how I feel. I feel like I have lost my best friend not a lover.

I just want to cry as I feel so scared.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 18/01/2009 19:36

am afraid i agree with anyfucker

you need more help than MN can give you , you are rehashing and rehashing the same thing again and again and again and again

you need help to move forward.

i would suggest time with your DH and counselling ASAP

you ccan;t go back, that is the point, you have to learn how to move forward

you cannot move forward whilst pining for this other man

you need to find real and immediate stragegies for dealing with this, before your DH gets tired of feeling like second best

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 19:36

My head is in place.

My heart in two.

Sorry I posted.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 18/01/2009 19:36

Seconded, what anyfucker said.

Keep your head down and work on getting back to where you once were with DH.

Or, if you can't do this, start the process of ending your marriage. It isn't enough just to think that your DH is a great person, you have to love him and want to be with him, or give him the chance ot be with somebody else who does.

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 19:37

I do love him and want to be with him (DH)

I miss my buddy, that's all.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 18/01/2009 19:38

agree with Lulu and NQC - if you've reached the point where you can't work on yourself to try and distract yourself etc, then I would suggest counselling.

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 19:39

I couldn't.

It makes no sense at all.

OP posts:
Fizzfiend · 18/01/2009 19:45

Dear NAB. I feel so badly for you. But you can still pour your heart out here, despite what some say. I know what they mean, that you should move forward, but it's not that easy, and sometimes you just want to blurt it all out. This is the perfect forum.

I sometimes think we have too much time to overanalyse things. I know that when I have a crazy busy day, I don't even have time to think about you know who and it's very empowering. So now I am trying to be insanely busy. I am working out alot which is great, meeting friends a lot which completely takes my mind of things, organising the kitchen, throwing stuff out. It is REALLY helping. I am still seeing OM but the other stuff stops me obsessing.

You're allowed to miss him. See it as mourning. It really is like mourning, just as painful. Don't feel bad for feelign this way. Allow yourself to feel the pain, not all the time, but at structured times when DH is not around and you can be free to cry. Feel the release. Only time will move you on, so don't rush it.

xxx

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 19:47

MN has been a life saver for me over the years. Sometimes I feel literally so it hurts that people think I have posted enough about this. What am I supposed to do when the only person I could have talked to about this is dead?

OP posts:
bollockbrain · 18/01/2009 19:49

nab - this ex came back into your life for a short time is that right? Just a couple of weeks? How was your marriage up until this point? Were things going well?

wondering if you were already unhappy in your marriage and this has made you realise this?

Or if you and DH were great up until this point, then you are playing with fire risking your marriage over 'constant thoughts' of this other chap. Be aware that your DH may well get fed up with this, sounds like he has been very understanding until now but this will wear thin if you dont move on.

preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 19:50

Of course you can post on here........
People have the choice whether to answer or not...
You shouldn't be made to feel bad.
If people think your being repetitive they can move on to the next thing....
You have a lot of sympathetic ears......

Original poster
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 19:51

We were fine. There was an issue about how often we were close IYSWIM but I figured we would work through that.

I can't explain my feelings.

I wouldn't want to be without my DH and certainly wouldn't have an affair. So why is he in my head? Not as much as before but now I just feel a real need to talk to him.

I'm not talking to DH about this and not showing him any feelings I may have about my ex.

OP posts:
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