I don't know what is wrong with me. None of it makes logical sense.

[NewAmazingBeginning]

I love my DH and we were very happy together but I still really miss my ex. No plans to do anything about it. Just wish I could go back to how I was.

Do you have any friends in RL? I have only followed part of your story but I understood that you didn't have contact with this guy for 15 years?

How badly did you miss him over that 15 year period? Did oyu make any new friends?

jus re-read my post and sounds harsh, not meant to be read as such, just trying to gently warn you of the consequences if you dwell on this too much.

I am sorry i do not know about your life, but gather it has been a bit of a rocky road, and if you genuinely have a dh that you love dearly and who loves you dearly, you must treasure that.

I have 2 friends from school days but they live miles away.

I had one local friend.

I had thought about him over the years.

I would be scared to leave DH. It isn't what I want. He wouldn't leve his wife. It isn't about that. It is about wanting him as a friend because of who he is and what he was to me.

what would you do, being very honesst now, IF he came to you and said he was leaving his wife and wanted to be with you?

i understand why you are posting

i understand, i really do, but in some ways, you need some tough love

there is no point going 'oh , poor you, i really feel for you' ad infinitum

you need to move forward

or you will destroy your marriage

that is the simple truth amidst all the outpourings and emotion and upset

you are obsessing, and that is not healthy

post as much as you like, but be aware, you are posting the same thing again and again and you are receiving good advice, again and again, at some point you are going to hvae to take it or not take it but be aware of the consequences

a thread full of sympathy and pats on the shoulder is not going to get you moving forward with this

do you still want to feel like this in 6 months or 12 months or feel even worse as DH has had enough and left?

at some point you need to take responsibility and take decisive , adult, forward thinking action to move forward

at the moment you are stuck in a repeating loop and you need taking out of it

I would be s*$t scared

lulu - now you know I love you but believe me I would give anything to go back 3 months to how things were before. I don't choose to think about him. I don't choose to be this unhappy.

Yup, that's true lulumama.

OP needs to step up and behave like an adult.

I know bugger all about what you have been posting on here, yet you seem stuck, and could do with talking to someone if this is making you so unhappy.

You are making choices daily based on a repetitive cycle thats drivng you mad. You do need to talk to someone outside the box.

so sorry NAB, I feel for you, I really do

but you need to Get Over It

I would say that to a RL friend, if I thought they were being as self-destructive as you are

I know I need to get over it.

Have been trying for 15 years!

so do it

think it, live it, persuade yourself of it

15 yrs is long enough to perpetuate a fantasy

it is in your own hands

have you not the strength to take control ?

come on

I too really really feel for you NAB.

We all know that you need to 'get over him', 'move on', concentrate on DH' etc etc but if you can't then you can't

I am still crying daily over my OM and only just holding it all together. Tonight my mum said to me " time to move on now BrazenHussy, stop going on about him and concentrate on finding a new man" - it's like telling a manic depressive to 'pull yourself together', it's not gonna happen just like that. But.... it will happen and as someone has already said ;allow yourself time to grieve.

I really believe that you will get over this and hopefully quicker if you allow your feelings to pour out on here whenever you feel the need to.

We all cope with things and deal with feelings in different ways and tough love is often a good strategy from friends when a shoulder to cry on hasn't been enough.

However tough love isn't working here and NAB needs all the support she can get. If she needs to post (however frequent or repetitve)I for one will always listen and support.

Yeah, exes often occupy my mind too even without having seen them again.

It sounds naff but to me, it's an indication that I'm not enjoying my present to the maximum extent that I could be. It's like a nudge. It means that I'm hankering after the past because it's an easy option in that it always looks rosier. Exes always look v. attractive. I know you've had contact with yours but still, it's not a relationship that's been put under the rigours of RL? Or has it? You'll have to correct me if that's wrong.

You're really lucky - you've got your DH after all this time - I think you've had a rocky road recently? - and I don't think an ex could ever live up to that.

It's time you and your DH started making exciting plans together about what you want to do. where you want to be and how you're going to to do it together. Together being the operative word.

I think you need to understand that the future is much more exciting than the past because you have a say in how you want it to be.

So, aside from your ex, start thinking about all the things you've wanted to do and be. It can't all include your ex surely! And try to include your DH as much as possible because it sounds as if he's a bit of a gem.

Going over and over it and rehashing it in different words COULD help I think. Some things I have talked and talked about in the past, then somebody has happened to say something in certain words which have really made me understand. They were saying the same things basically as others had said, but the words THEY used really made things click into place in my brain in a 'lightbulb moment'!

Excellent point ActingNormal, I can identify with that too

It scares me that I might never get over him.

We were on and off for about 6 years and I would usually split with him when encouraged to by people who thought he was bad for me, but then they weren't there for me when I was crying over him. I always told myself I was over him but never was.

On my wedding day I figured I must be.
I have thought about him all these years. I read my diaries of when we were together and when I was with other men. Felt nothing for them but all the feelings for him came back just as strong as ever.

I have never felt for anyone else what I felt for him.

I know I have to let this go. It is causing me a lot of upset though I am hiding it all from DH.

I just have so much going on right now and don't know where to start.

oh honey. i don;t wnat to see you sad, i think winky made a good point about it is easier to pine after exes when it was all rosy and seemed easier

i think you need to get yourself some counselling, and mabye help yourself believe you are worthy of your DH, and to stop this self destructive behaviour

That's the stupid thing. It wasn't all rosey which was why I left him! Was an idiot over him then and still are.

It wouldn't be rosey now either.

I am going to post a new thread asking for constuctive marriage advice. I have no other option that to try and fix it.