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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Karma?

98 replies

MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 21:30

Guess the old saying is true - what goes around comes around.

My h and I split last year after a long time of being unhappy together. I instigated the split after trying to rectify things for a long time and prior to the split I met someone and stupidly fell in love. Obviously I left my h, and after a short break for me to sort things out, me and NM became an item.

I should also add that he had already split with his wife a few months before he met me. He has a 3 yr dd.

I have never fallen in love before and after a long while, I let myself fall. And he felt the same. We talked about anything and everything and both said we'd never felt this way about anyone before, even our previous spouses. He even proposed to me and said I was his soul mate. We talked about when he could move in, take over mortgage, family cars, etc, etc.

Over Christmas NM was quiet. He assured me it was nothing major, just a bit bored of spending so much time at home with not much to do (he works away and i work daily in my home town so obv had to go to work whilst he didn't). He moved in with his mum after his split and still lives there. Stayed over a couple of nights a week at mine when he was back. I gave him a key to my place as a Xmas present.

He went away to work at the end of December, assuring me he loved me and would miss me. He hasn't called and texted as much as usual so tonight I text him and asked if he was okay. He said he had a lot on his mind lately, so I asked if he'd changed his mind about us. His reply was that he didn't know, was thinking different things all the time and would call me at the weekend. I asked him to call me.

Upshot is that he is not sure what he wants. He doesn't want to f*ck things up, but thinks that he got together with me too quickly after the split with his ex (about 3 months). Technically it's nothing to do with me apparantly, I haven't don't anything wrong or changed in anyway. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, but thinks he needs some time on his own. Says he feels an arse for treating me like this, is the last thing he wants but wouldn't finish things with me for definite.

I can slowly feel my heart being broken. Which is probably what I deserve but it doesn't stop it hurting any less.

He is back in about a week and wants to discuss things face to face.

Don't know why I'm posting, just feel lost and don't know what to do. Should I give him time? Or should I fight for what I thought was love?

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 15/01/2009 21:45

i would never be so harsh as to say ha ha what goes around comes around. you fell in love, you left and you tried to be happy. three months can be more than enough - he just sounds like someone who doesnt want to be in a relationship so yes i think you need to harden your heart up and face the fact that this man is not ready to settle down. I am sorry as i know how much that will hurt. You dont deserve it, noone does and i hope you find what your looking for.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/01/2009 21:49

MH give him the time he needs
he obviously needs to sort his head out
try not to dwell on things
keep busy and keep in touch with your friends
ideally get out and try and enjoy yourself
i can imagine that it must be terribly hard for you
but he will respect you giving him the space
hope it all works out

MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 21:49

thank you for your honesty prettyfly1. I thought after us being together 18 months this was what he wanted.

but maybe not

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 21:51

thanks blonde, will try and give him space and hope he can make up his mind....

i can't help thinking the worst and can't believe how hurt i am feeling. god i now understand what these other poor mnetters feel when losing someone they love

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/01/2009 22:00

i think space is the only way forward for him
i can understand its not the ideal from a woman's POV
would try to keep contact to a minimum if i were you and not push him too much for answers

macdoodle · 15/01/2009 22:05

the cynic in me says he has met someone else but thats just the bitter twisted old hag in me

Remotew · 15/01/2009 22:08

Totally agree with giving him space. If he decides that you are on a break, keep contact to a minimum. I know it will be hard for you, post on here rather than texting, ringing or emailing him. He may decide he does want to be with you after all.

Sorry you are feeling wretched. Take some comfort from your friends and family, they will always be there for you.

prettyfly1 · 15/01/2009 22:12

hey mac - great minds - i wondered if he wasnt going back to w to be honest.

he might have, he might not but either way you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who may or may not want you. its cruel but true - love isnt dithery - if you love someone you know you love them. I am so sorry you are hurting and i reiterate that you dont deserve it. Have the chat with him but dont just take anything he offers because you dont want to loose him. All women (and men) deserve to be loved, totally and completely and to give that love in return without fear of being rejected. Eighteen months is long enough for you to ask for that and expect to get it and if you dont then you need to walk away with your head held up. Dont keep calling him or texting - go out, keep busy, cry in the bath or rant at friends but keep your pride and good luck!!

aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/01/2009 22:19

actually thats a very good point
i'm thinking back to a recent thread
where some good advice came up regarding texting
and not sending but moving it to draft
ANYONE REMEMBER?
then you can actually monitor what you send after a period of reflection
as i'm sure we're all guilty of some sad texting at one time or another

macdoodle · 15/01/2009 22:27

pretty we need our own thread again
you are sounding great and I am moving on too

Remotew · 15/01/2009 22:32

He may be freaking out over you giving him a key to yours. Perhaps he likes things as they are and doesn't want to co-habit.

MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 22:41

thanks guys. his ex is getting married soon (to one of his friends), he just found this out so don't know if that's affected things? They have been split up just over two years.

he works offshore so don't think he's met anyone else but not sure - esp after all the awful threads on here. i asked him if he wanted to go off and shag other women and he said he hadn't even been thinking about that.

as i said, he's lived back at his mums since the split and was thinking of buying a house to do up, which would give him something to do. i mentioned the key before and said was it because i gave him the key...he laughed and said no and I said he didn't have to move in.

we'e always talked about everything but he says he just didn't know what to say to me as he just doesn't know what he wants.

if you don't mind I might have to come on here and have a moan instead of texing/phoning him.

thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/01/2009 22:41

gone back to wife ??

severe case of guilts and regrets after walking out on her and family ??

MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 22:44

but surely after so long together, this wouldn't freak him out.....he would know what he wants?

must admit, this is the first 'wobble' we've had, didn't argue or anything.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 22:45

he was split up with her before we met AF

is he just trying to be nice and let me down gently?

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 15/01/2009 22:51

possibly. i dont think you will know till you sit him down and talk to him properly. dont torment yourself (easier said then done believe me i know) i really hope this works out for you but perhaps your best bet is to concentrate on your life, let him go, give him space and hope that the prospect of losing you is enough to make him shake himself up a bit.

prettyfly1 · 15/01/2009 22:53

(hijack - apologies) mac - lol thanks - not doing badly lovely. DO me a favour - jump on the "i want to cheat on my husband" thread. she so needs your brand of straight talking.

OP - Good luck lovey!!!

MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 22:56

thanks pf1

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/01/2009 22:59

mh, as hard as it is I think you will have to hang tight and see how things develop

don't give it too long though and leave you hanging

if he has gone back to his wife, he may just be dangling you on a string as a fall-back position if that doesn't work out

sorry you are feeling bad, sounds tough for you

aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/01/2009 23:10

agree with AF
but not necessarily that he wants to get back with her
i think recent events have perhaps made him reevaluate things
after all there is his child involved too
and his friend

MuthaHubbard · 15/01/2009 23:18

could be blonde - now i think about it, he has gone a bit quiet and 'off' since he found out they are getting married.

he also just started working with his friend on the same shift so maybe seeing him every day has got him thinking and re-evaluating...his ex and his friend got together quite quick after they split as well and they may also be trying for a baby.

will bear in mind what you said AF as well.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/01/2009 23:27

as i said try not to think too much if you can
and come on here
resist the urge to ask questions of him

MuthaHubbard · 16/01/2009 03:35

feck, can't sleep. think i fell asleep for a few hours earlier but now can't.

i think it's the not knowing either way that's making this even worse.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 16/01/2009 10:44

i can appreciate that
its very hard but try not to dwell on things
us women do that too much
hope you manage some proper sleep
keep us updated
xx

brazenhussy · 16/01/2009 16:25

aseriouslyblondemoment - It was me who suggested the texting and saving to drafts thing, I can't tell you how theraputic this has been for me in my moments of weakness.

Every couple of days or so when I have an overwhelming need to text I do this and find that within hours I am able to delete the draft as the 'moment' has passed.

Hope this works for you MuthaHubbard

I really cannot understand why men cannot communicate their feelings the way we do,; if they did, all this heartache caused by uncertainty would be avoided

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