Karma?

[MuthaHubbard]

Guess the old saying is true - what goes around comes around.

My h and I split last year after a long time of being unhappy together. I instigated the split after trying to rectify things for a long time and prior to the split I met someone and stupidly fell in love. Obviously I left my h, and after a short break for me to sort things out, me and NM became an item.

I should also add that he had already split with his wife a few months before he met me. He has a 3 yr dd.

I have never fallen in love before and after a long while, I let myself fall. And he felt the same. We talked about anything and everything and both said we'd never felt this way about anyone before, even our previous spouses. He even proposed to me and said I was his soul mate. We talked about when he could move in, take over mortgage, family cars, etc, etc.

Over Christmas NM was quiet. He assured me it was nothing major, just a bit bored of spending so much time at home with not much to do (he works away and i work daily in my home town so obv had to go to work whilst he didn't). He moved in with his mum after his split and still lives there. Stayed over a couple of nights a week at mine when he was back. I gave him a key to my place as a Xmas present.

He went away to work at the end of December, assuring me he loved me and would miss me. He hasn't called and texted as much as usual so tonight I text him and asked if he was okay. He said he had a lot on his mind lately, so I asked if he'd changed his mind about us. His reply was that he didn't know, was thinking different things all the time and would call me at the weekend. I asked him to call me.

Upshot is that he is not sure what he wants. He doesn't want to f*ck things up, but thinks that he got together with me too quickly after the split with his ex (about 3 months). Technically it's nothing to do with me apparantly, I haven't don't anything wrong or changed in anyway. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, but thinks he needs some time on his own. Says he feels an arse for treating me like this, is the last thing he wants but wouldn't finish things with me for definite.

I can slowly feel my heart being broken. Which is probably what I deserve but it doesn't stop it hurting any less.

He is back in about a week and wants to discuss things face to face.

Don't know why I'm posting, just feel lost and don't know what to do. Should I give him time? Or should I fight for what I thought was love?

brazen thanks for that tip
it works a treat
have used it recently
but more for editing purposes tbh
but not any more lol!
and yes men eh and communicating feelings?

I don't think it's karma. Your relationship had ended, his relationship had ended, you hadn't done anything wrong in getting together.

But, the time after a split is often a time when emotions run high, and when people have all sorts of feelings, regrets, rejection maybe, the need to be loved and to love someone etc, and that is why people so often do get straight back into a relationship after a split (on the rebound), and why these relationships often don't work out.

Three months isn't very long after the split to have come to terms with all that that may have involved, and it is quite soon to be getting straight back into a serious relationship with what he perceived to be the love of his life.

While his feelings for you may have been genuine, it is totally possible that he never actually reconciled his feelings for his wife. And it was only once he realized that she was moving on into a new marriage with someone else, a friend, with whom he already had a relationship, that he perhaps realized that he hasn't actually got over her in the way he thought he had. And that has left him not really knowing what he wants. Does he want you, or does he still have feelings for her which would mean his feelings for you are not as he thought they were.

Can I ask why they split?

I would just leave him alone tbh. If he loves you and it is meant to be, then it will be. If he's been calling and texting less then tbh it does show that he's not as committed to this relationship as you are, for whatever reason. So I would be inclined to tell him that you understand that he doesn't know whether he wants to be with you, and that you're not going to contact him again. And then leave it at that. If you genuinely are the love of his life, he will realize that. But I wouldn't beg, or plead or anything, because you're better than that.

He is being honest and upfront with you.

That is a very good thing.

Give him time and space. If he wants you he will return to you.

if he does not it is better to know sooner rather than later.

Best of luck to you both.

Thank you very much for your messages. Have been amazingly strong willed and not contacted him. Wannabe, what you say makes a lot of sense to me. A RL friend said I should text him something similar but something is holding me back.

Something has happened today that has put this on the back burner for now. My ds (14) had an appointment at gp and was taken straight to hospital. He has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and is being kept in over night.

And yet I can't help thinking that the one person who I would turn to and talk about this with doesn't want to know.

Wannabe, he says they split because they fell out of love a long time ago and he only stayed for the last year or so because of their dd. He said she was incredibly controlling/huge perfectionist and he just couldn't take it anymore, and that she kind of pushed him into getting married. But I know there's two sides to every story.

Hmm. He sounds a bit weak - 'pushed' into taking one of the biggest decisions of his life and now playing with the emotions of someone he professes to love and who loves him? Hmm indeed.

You are being very strong in not contacting him, particularly with the present crisis over your son. I hope your son is okay.
You have done the right thing in not contacting him despite this. If you did that would put a great deal of emotional pressure on him to rush round and be by your side, which is not what he wants at the momnent.

I am embarrassed to admit I once suffered a family tragedy of epic proportions and used it ( not consciously) to prop up a flagging relationship well past its sell by date.

it really is good that he is being very upfront about things.Sounds like a good man.

You should tell him about your DS. If you are close I'd assume he cares about your DS as well. Not trying to force his hand but if you don't tell him he may feel, he sounds already vunerable, that you've withdrawn from him.

Whats that saying about it never rains it pours. I hope that now that you son is in hospital they can work out his meds and he can quickly get back to being a teen.

thanks jasper, am glad in a way he has told me. we've always spoken about things so even though it was difficult for him to say, i would rather know iyswim.

i have been very tempted to tell him about today and am glad i haven't as i think i would do the same as yourself.

and fingers crossed, my son will be okay

And you will be ok too

Mmmm am really not sure about telling him about ds. They get on well and are very similar and he said that he cares alot for the kids and would do anything for them.

but then again, he said he wanted to grow old with me a few months ago so who knows?

well when ( hopefully) he gets back in touch after his thinking period and you chat and share your news and you tell him about ds , he will say "oh my goodness, what a shock, why did you not call me to tell me ?"

you can say "because I respected your need to have time alone to think and did not want to put any pressure on you"

And he will realise you are the bees knees and not pushy or manipulative (as he claims his wife was, right?)

Good job he wants to grow old with you as he has no doubt given you a few grey hairs with this Greta Garbo need to be alone malarkey

thanks jasper, you've made me smile.

said he may call tomorrow, but won't hold my breath. will pinch your line word for word and hopefully he will see the light.

and if not, someone else will get the benefit of my light (one day....maybe)

you're doing really well at keeping strong
and giving him space
thou i know you really need him right now
your ds will be ok he's in the right place
getting the appropriate care
make sure that you take care of yourself also
xx

Well he's not phoned or text. Trying to get my head around the fact that it's over .

It's so hard, keep wanting to cry but haven't today - yet. Need to be strong and supportive for my ds (who is home and doing well).

I haven't told the dc yet. Felt like blubbing when my dd (6) was talking about him and his dd.....

ahh - come on mutha - keep your chin up sweets. it will be hard but kids are resilient.

Thinking about you (and your ds) this evening and sending you some virtual strength to get through this.

I am going through the same at the moment and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

I was talking to my teenage daughter tonight who is also recovering from -a-- lying selfish scumbag nursing a broken heart and i said to her that you get better at coping with these things as you get older, but on reflection and IME, it still hurts just as much.

Thanks guys. I have written him an email but did the 'save to drafts' trick and not sent it - and may never. Was good to write down all the thoughts going around in my head.

And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either. IMO this is harder than any teenage first love.

I feel exactly the same - I can't ever remember feeling this pain all those years ago.

Well done on the email front, you are being very strong xxxxx

god knows how! feel like i am going bonkers to be honest. maybe deep down i am stonger than i think.

glad to hear that you have ds back at home
that must be a huge weight off
the email thing will have helped lots
its good to be able to express things in the written word form
even if its only for your benefit
as i think it clarifies alot of things

Hey Mutha, don't lose hope !
he is coming back next week, right? And he said he wanted to speak to you face to face?

Yeah that's right, said he should be back within a week. Am not sure if seeing me in the flesh would make any difference.

Just disheartened that he's not called/text me. Maybe he's forgotten about me already.

he hasn't forgotten
its a case of him needing the time and space
and obviously this means no contact
you will just have to wait until you see him
and yes it is horrible to go thru
if it is over at least he is going to do the decent thing and actually tell you
some men dont even bother and just fuck off and you never hear from them again
which is really heartbreaking
but this is obviously worst case scenario
keep busy and look after yourself
xx

Am feeling a bit better tonight, know I will survive whatever happens.

Just wondering how much space? Not spoken for 3 days, should I just wait and see if he has the decency to contact me when he's back?