Karma?

[MuthaHubbard]

Guess the old saying is true - what goes around comes around.

My h and I split last year after a long time of being unhappy together. I instigated the split after trying to rectify things for a long time and prior to the split I met someone and stupidly fell in love. Obviously I left my h, and after a short break for me to sort things out, me and NM became an item.

I should also add that he had already split with his wife a few months before he met me. He has a 3 yr dd.

I have never fallen in love before and after a long while, I let myself fall. And he felt the same. We talked about anything and everything and both said we'd never felt this way about anyone before, even our previous spouses. He even proposed to me and said I was his soul mate. We talked about when he could move in, take over mortgage, family cars, etc, etc.

Over Christmas NM was quiet. He assured me it was nothing major, just a bit bored of spending so much time at home with not much to do (he works away and i work daily in my home town so obv had to go to work whilst he didn't). He moved in with his mum after his split and still lives there. Stayed over a couple of nights a week at mine when he was back. I gave him a key to my place as a Xmas present.

He went away to work at the end of December, assuring me he loved me and would miss me. He hasn't called and texted as much as usual so tonight I text him and asked if he was okay. He said he had a lot on his mind lately, so I asked if he'd changed his mind about us. His reply was that he didn't know, was thinking different things all the time and would call me at the weekend. I asked him to call me.

Upshot is that he is not sure what he wants. He doesn't want to f*ck things up, but thinks that he got together with me too quickly after the split with his ex (about 3 months). Technically it's nothing to do with me apparantly, I haven't don't anything wrong or changed in anyway. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, but thinks he needs some time on his own. Says he feels an arse for treating me like this, is the last thing he wants but wouldn't finish things with me for definite.

I can slowly feel my heart being broken. Which is probably what I deserve but it doesn't stop it hurting any less.

He is back in about a week and wants to discuss things face to face.

Don't know why I'm posting, just feel lost and don't know what to do. Should I give him time? Or should I fight for what I thought was love?

I would leave it up to him to get in touch when he is back later in the week.

If he says he needs time and space to be sure it's what he wants, it seems a reasonable enough request to agree to ( apart from being actually torture to do!)
Stay strong Mutha!

thanks jasper, am trying my very best!! will just have to wait and see and keep myself stupidly busy in the meantime!

mutha 3 days is nothing really if you're honest
it is hard especially with everything else on your plate
but keep being stupidly busy
if he is decent he will keep his word
i know that its hard as i've been there
xx

Have come on here as I am so tempted to text him right now. He works outside during the night and want him to know I'm thinking about him in this shite weather. But I have come on here instead. Know 4 days isn't that long really so will have to wait a while longer.

Today I am mad. I still love him but don't really like him today. I could quite happily smack him in the face right now. Several times. With a spade.

how you are feeling all sounds perfectly reasonable to me
you are doing the right thing by coming on here

oh feck, he text me at 6am. he managed to find out that my ds has been ill (family member of his works at hospital).

he text 'Have just been told about X, hope he's ok. Sorry I've not been in touch for a while, am coming home today and need to see you'

i waited an hour and txt back 'am at doctors after work, maybe see you tonigh or tomorrow'. he replied straight away that he would text me later.

i have kind of got it into my head things are over and that whatever happens isn't my fault and i will survive. i will not have him here whilst my dc are. kind of wishing that i didn't have to see him but know i do.

but my head and heart are all over the place.

Mutha
FWIW i think that you have been remarkably brave considering all you've had thrown at you recently.
regardless of the emotional turmoil i would strongly advise seeing him even if you do not receive the right response.
at least then you are clear where you stand.
the other option is to be left in a kind of limbo where you will be constantly turning things over in your head.
i am glad that he is decent enough to consider your feelings and to come and see you
alot of men take the cowards option and fcuk off

thanks blonde, you've given me some fab advice, so has jasper and the others on here. it amazes me how much strength and support i've felt just from being on here.

i know i will see him, either tonight or tomorrow. i want to hear what he has to say. am 99.9% sure things are over but i do want to know why. whatever reason, i know that it's not my fault. i keep telling myself i can do this and stay strong. hope that's the case.

RESPECT! to you, Mutha.

I am very glad you did not text him, and that he contacted you first.

Please let us know how the meet up goes.x

glad to help
and do update us if you want to
lots willing to listen
xx

Little update - we've talked, a lot, last night and tonight. And then some more. And I suprised myself in how strong I was (even though I was shaking and practically pooing my pants before he came over).

He says he doesn't want to lose me and can't believe what a total arse he has been. Main problem he couldn't quite explain - he said he let things get on top of him, thought about them too much and let them get to him. That he'd been thinking and planning our lives together for so long and then when it happened it seemed to move so quickly and overwhelmed him a little. He knows he acted like a selfish child and needs to change and grow up.

Admitted that it was 'weird' that his ex was remarrying, I said that I understand he must have loved her at some point and still have some feelings for her as she's the mother of his child - he said maybe, but never loved her as much as he does me.

He can't believe he nearly lost me - because I told him he nearly had. He asked me if I hated him, I said no but tha I didn't really like him at the mo and that I could quite happily slap him, a lot.

I also told him that this was the only time he would hurt me, this is his second and last chance. I can't have him messing me or the dc about.

Obv there is a lot more and we have a lot more to talk about. I have told him we are taking this easy and I need to trust him again.

We shall see.

I just wanted to thank you for the most fab support. I know my problems aren't on the grand scale of some of the awful things MNetters are going through but the advice, strength and support you can receive here can help hugely.

so glad to hear that you both talked
your strength again amazes me
be very proud of yourself
you've coped remarkably well thru very difficult times
do so hope it all works out for you both

Mutha that is a great outcome.

Don't be harsh on him ( not that you seem likely to be )

He was very honest in backing off when some sort of instinct told him to pull back and consider things carefully.
That shows maturity.

when you say you need to trust him again do you actually think he betrayed your trust? Did he really do anything WRONG? as opposed to something that was painful to go through?

Let me know when to buy a virtual new hat

thanks jasper. when I mean trust, I do trust him, more what he says/said, but it's hard to explain - he said all these lovely things before about loving me but then for a while he maybe wasn't thinking/feeling that but kept saying he did and there was nothing wrong. does that make sense?

and have told him i won't keeping punishing him or going on about it - but a little making it up to me wouldn't go amiss

would be nice lol

Rightly or wrongly, i brought the subject up of what 'we' are doing in bed this morning (kids at their dads)

after speaking he admitted that the main problem is he feels like he has no time alone. he is with people at work, then either with me or his dd, and when at home his mother is there.

i asked him if he wanted to return his key, which he said he wasn't sure. i suggested maybe him getting a place of his own to do up (we've talked about this before) would be a good way of us having space, and him keeping busy when at home and he agreed.

he asked me a couple of times if I wanted to be on my own for a bit. i told him that i didn't want to answer that, because if I said yes, that would take the decision away from him and make it easier for him.

he said no matter what he would always be there for me. i said i don't think i could remain friends with him if not together as it would hurt me too much and i would need to move on and get on with things.

he said he loves me so much it hurts. i want him to make a decision but don't want to push him or force it iyswim.

we were supposed to spend the weekend together, but he's now left so we can have some time to think and will see me tomorrow.

i am now all up in the air again and feel that the tiny bit of my heart that is still intact is cracking.

I always worry that a man still living with his mother might be having trouble choosing you over her iyswim.

For any reason though. It might be she is sublty putting pressure on him not to leave her on her own.

he moved back to his mum and dads when he and his ex split up - i do kind of understand what he is saying in that he hasn't had time alone.

i have text him to say that I love him and if he wants to get a house and we see each other less then that's fine, don't want to give up at the first hurdle and will do whatever i can to make it work, but only if he wants that too.

he replied to say he knows what I mean and will ring me later.

if we love each other as much as we say, surely we will do whatever is needed to make it work?

I haven't read the whole thread but imho, sod giving him 'space'! He is messing you about - do not accept it. By the way it is not karma and you don't deserve this crappy treatment!!

You don't say how long he was with you but the stuff he is saying sounds like total BS to me. Cut your losses and begin the process of getting over him now, so that you can find a decent man when the time is right.

i know what you mean electra and that would probably be my advice to someone else. it seems like such a lame excuse to throw everything away for. but then love gets in the way and things become a million times more difficult.

if he rings tonight, i'm going to try and get the strength to say that we either work through this together (after all it's nothing compared to what some couples go through) or end it. even though i don't want to end it, i want to work through it. i don't know anymore

and just while i think about it, if he was really sorry, he would be all chocs and flowers wouldn't he? not just words, his actions would speak loud enough.

Mutha have just caught up
this isn't all sounding good
have to agree with electra he is messing you about here
i don't think that you should be left hanging like this
hope you find the strength to end it if he isn't willing to commit

I seem to be a lone voice in the wilderness defending him.

What is wrong with wanting space and being unsure of exactly how to proceed with a relationship particularly if you were previously married with a child?

I can completely understand his point of view.

he is sorry he hurt you by backing off a bit , but as far as I can see he has not done enything WRONG. he followed his instincts to proceed cautiously.
WHy would that require chocs and flowers?

best of luck.

What you say gives me a bad feeling about him tbh. He sounds emotionally manipulative. However, I completely understand how difficult it is to cut someone off when you are in love with them and I have been in this position myself. Like you, I believe that talk is cheap though. His behaviour so far has been bizarre and is indicative of someone who has issues - and this is not your fault.

jasper - I don't agree at all. Even if you share a lot of history with someone, if you are completely over them it will not bother you one iota if they get together with someone else. This guy was supposed to be in love with the OP - you don't flake on someone when you are in love with them are truly care for them.