Karma?

[MuthaHubbard]

Guess the old saying is true - what goes around comes around.

My h and I split last year after a long time of being unhappy together. I instigated the split after trying to rectify things for a long time and prior to the split I met someone and stupidly fell in love. Obviously I left my h, and after a short break for me to sort things out, me and NM became an item.

I should also add that he had already split with his wife a few months before he met me. He has a 3 yr dd.

I have never fallen in love before and after a long while, I let myself fall. And he felt the same. We talked about anything and everything and both said we'd never felt this way about anyone before, even our previous spouses. He even proposed to me and said I was his soul mate. We talked about when he could move in, take over mortgage, family cars, etc, etc.

Over Christmas NM was quiet. He assured me it was nothing major, just a bit bored of spending so much time at home with not much to do (he works away and i work daily in my home town so obv had to go to work whilst he didn't). He moved in with his mum after his split and still lives there. Stayed over a couple of nights a week at mine when he was back. I gave him a key to my place as a Xmas present.

He went away to work at the end of December, assuring me he loved me and would miss me. He hasn't called and texted as much as usual so tonight I text him and asked if he was okay. He said he had a lot on his mind lately, so I asked if he'd changed his mind about us. His reply was that he didn't know, was thinking different things all the time and would call me at the weekend. I asked him to call me.

Upshot is that he is not sure what he wants. He doesn't want to f*ck things up, but thinks that he got together with me too quickly after the split with his ex (about 3 months). Technically it's nothing to do with me apparantly, I haven't don't anything wrong or changed in anyway. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, but thinks he needs some time on his own. Says he feels an arse for treating me like this, is the last thing he wants but wouldn't finish things with me for definite.

I can slowly feel my heart being broken. Which is probably what I deserve but it doesn't stop it hurting any less.

He is back in about a week and wants to discuss things face to face.

Don't know why I'm posting, just feel lost and don't know what to do. Should I give him time? Or should I fight for what I thought was love?

i can see both views really. i am very glad he has been honest with me. but i also feel that if he loves me as much as he says then he wouldn't be hurting me like this

i have told him that he is on his second and only chance. everyone deserves that but i don't deserve being strung along

I don't mean because his ex is getting tog with someone else.

I mean because he loved his ex enough to marry and have a child and it all went pear shaped.

he fell in love with OP ans now on consideration wants to be sure it will not go pear shaped as it did with his wife.
perfectlyu rational behaviour for someone who was hurt before.

I am divorced after being completley in love with my exh. It is a very big deal to trust your own feelings again

thanks jasper - it is doing me good to have your opinions/experience. maybe he doesn't want it all to go tits up further down the line when there is more at stake.

Yes but love is emotional, not rational, so...if you have that good feeling about someone you can't stop seeing them imo (even when you have a bit of baggage to deal with), and it is very strange that he just stopped communicating with Mutha and was even reluctant to be honest about the situation until he was pushed to do so.

I think that assuming he will now become more reliable and not let Mutha down is quite a big risk to take tbh.

Anyway, whatever happens Mutha, I hope that it all works out and you don't get hurt xx

thanks electra. am hoping he reason he couldn't end it when i've pushed him on it a few times is because he still feels that good feeling about me - even if he's gone about all this in quite a childish way

I think he is doing this deliberately so that you'll end it.

I'm sorry but if people feel as strongly about one another as he says he feels about you then they don't have these kinds of doubts at the first hurdle. They usually have these kinds of doubts precisely because they don't feel as strongly as they thought they did.

He has given you the choices, no doubt hoping that you will make them thus getting him off the hook. He has told you if you need space you can have it and when you declined he went off to get some space anyway.

I would actually not be at all surprised if he's seeing someone else. The comments about needing space just give him an excuse to be away from you, and potentially with someone else? Are you actually sure he's at his mother's now?

Sorry but I would be inclined to get rid. If he's going to go off and find space every time he has doubts I really don't see a future in the relationship.

I wonder if he was the same with his ex? Perhaps that was why they split? although obviously he wouldn't tell you that...

I imagine working offshore is very intense and that when he come back he really does want space = perhaps that is what the problem was in his marriage?

wannabe - thanks again for your honesty. he has his dd tonight/this afternoon so i assume he is at his mums.

he has said that he never spoke to his ex about his feelings before and told her a lot of lies to make life easier - maybe that's a bad sign but we always agreed that as we'd come from relationships were a lot of lying went on, we would always tell each other how we felt and no lies.

he has been a bit weak in the past but i want him to grow up and admit to how he feels/what he wants rather than being told. i don't want to make any decisions for him to make it easier iyswim.

as jasper said, i am glad he's been able to voice his concerns with me. and technically he hasn't done anything wrong other than voice his feelings - which we had agreed to do.

offshore can be a bit stressful i guess and then we were trying to cram in as much time together/doing things with the kids when he was home.

maybe it's a case of wanting want he couldn't have and now i'm available it's put him off?

am sorry for ranting on but have all these thoughts in my head and it does help to put them down.

How old is this man? Poor you - must be very confusing for you.

very confusing!!!!!!! He's 31.

i've asked him to talk some more as there are things i feel i need to discuss further.

i didn't realise that he'd actually flown back from work for the sole purpose to see me face to face and sort this out. he said if he wanted to finish it he probably would have taken the cowards way and done it over the phone/email.

He sounds lovely

In your position I would ignore him for a while. Why should you hang around waiting for him to decide what he wants? Personally, if a guy hints at messing me around I freeze him out. It may sound harsh but he would have to do a lot of running to convince me he cared enough for me to put myself out.

I don't understand why some here consider his actions (or lack) of to be "messing OP around"

here are the facts :

1)OP and NM got tog following marriage breakdowns for both.
2) full on accelerated romance for both
3) NM without warning
backed off, AND EXPLAINED TO OP," SORRY I HAVE TO BACK OFF .THIS IS GOING TOO FAST AND I NEED TO BE SURE"
4) OP is understandibly nervous, hurt, worried and says so on mumsnet!
5)NM, true to his word returns to OP and says, " I love you, I missed you, am still a bit worried about the long haul but let's take things slowly"
5) OP is happy with this.
6) OP has a small wobbly and presses NM for a more solid projection of their joint future which he still can't give.

What is so terrible about NM's behaviour that some think OP should bin him? Why on earth suspect he has another woman?He is being completely honest.

Well jasper, perhaps I am too much of a cynic. But this guy does not sound like someone I would want to put my faith in.

thanks guys.

he came over last night and we talked some more. i did have a wobble when i posted yesterday and i admit i was upset y'day morning before he left but i needed to chat a bit more about it to get my head around things and were we stood. i told him off for leaving this morning, that he can't just run away when the going gets tough.

he knew the reason i was upset was because of him. he said he knows he's been an idiot and wanted things to go back to 'normal', as though nothing has happened and for us to forget his stupidness. he hates the fact that he upset me so much but i told him we need to talk about it and deal with it, not just brush it under the carpet, so we can sort out what we both want.

we are going to go on a few dates, take things easy and spend 'quality' time together. he is going to look into buying a house when he is next home for him to do up and then possibly rent out.

he started talking about taking the kids on holiday and how between us we should be okay with the two mortgages (his and mine) etc, etc. i said we will see how it goes.

but i did reiterate that although i don't want to give up at the first blip, we can only work through this if it's what we both want - i won't be messed about again.

i think all this has toughened me up a bit. i can be quite easy going but won't put up with this shit again. my heart was hurt but also hardened.

well said
at least its all out in the open now
and he knows that you won't be messed with
taking things easy will def help
so glad to hear you've managed to get your head round it all

Hope it all works.
On a positive note, now is a good time for him to buy a house

yes mine lol

Not sure if you are interested but thought I'd update this old thread.

We kind of limped along for a few weeks, with things not feeling right. I was hurting but also I think starting to dislike him a little if that makes sense?

In the end, just after valentines day, he called me (he was away) to state he definitely wanted some time alone, some space, still wanted to be friends, blah, blah, blah. I said I wasn't interested in being his friend and requested my key back, etc. I acted a lot stronger than I thought I would - maybe due to what had happened previously.

I've never spoken to him since (other than seeing him in a shop in town where he looked rather sheepish).

I was devastated at the time but got on with things, despite it taking a while for me to get over him (longer than I actually thought), I've been doing good....seeing a couple of guys/dates/nights out etc but single for the majority of the time since. Still think of him now and again to be honest though. I've been on a couple of dates with a guy I quite like of late and things going ok.

I've just got back from holiday, and via the magic of facebook, found out he got married the day I left for hols. To a girl I figure he met whilst working offshore (he spent a lot of time in this port before/during xmas prior to our breakup). I know I shouldn't but looking back on her profile, she states she was 'in a relationship' with him from the initial 'blip' we had in my OP - in fact the same day I wrote OP(he's not on facebook). I figure out from this they must have been seeing each other at least a few weeks before this time - ie when we were still together.

Why do I feel crappy - shakey and a tad angry? Is it because I realise he cheated on me? He lied - why didn't he just tell me he'd met someone else? Am I not over him as much as I thought? Or is it because karma has done the same to me as I did in my OP and I realise how shit that is?

not expecting a reply really.....just wanted to write this down to help me try to figure this out!

Muthahubbard -- sorry you had a brush with such an utter cad. And now we know there's no smoke without fire.

I think you should be clapping yourself on the back for your very sharp instincts here. I think you did some great listening to your gut.

Maybe the karma thing adds an extra dimension to what you are feeling, but it definitely hurts to be lied to so deliberately, cheated on, and then strung along in cowardly fashion. If you weren't angry I'd think there was something wrong with you.

You can't change the past, but it's up to you how much of it you want to drag along with you every day.

thanks math - you are right, i'm fecking angry he lied to me.....and i think i knew it was more than the old 'i need space' crap!!

i definitely don't want to drag this along with me forever, i guess i'm mad at myself for not realising what an arse he was sooner!

listen to your gut is a good adage. hope his 2nd wife doesn't need it, unlike me and his 1st wife!!

He will have a long string of women in every port, MuthaHubbard.

No-one goes around suspecting that every word out of someone else's mouth is a lie (until later) but you were aware something was amiss right when it happened, so well done. It takes a bit of time for the heart to let go even when the little voice in the head is saying 'I smell a rat'. That's why people get so angry about the lies because of the effort it takes to get the heart to catch up when the head is being deliberately led up a blind alley.