Mothers-in-law

[beebs]

Antonia

Count yourself lucky your mother in law is so keen on your offspring. I've had a rocky relationship with mine over the years, my chief gripe being that she appears not to be that interested in her grandchildren (two dds, 2 and 6)and does not actually enjoy buying toys for them because she cannot relate to children playing.

Things are better as they get older and I realise the problem is that she does not know how to play or imagine herself into a child's position.

I hate to say this last bit, but as your precious offspring grows older he or she will cast wooden toys aside and positively adore the plastic ones. Sorry, but there it is. In the end, however many wooden toys you supply, he or she will make his/her own mind up. I suggest letting the relationship between grandmother and grandchild blossom in its own way - you are lucky.

I have a SIL who does the same - and I get fed up of gluing legs on cheap plastic ponies, or explaining to the kids that I can't mend things. And 3 cheap videos that we never watch, whereas if she'd got 1 Disney I'm sure they would watch it all the time. She also sends us cheap t-shirts that after one wash that are so deformed (end up wide enough to fit an elephant ). I know she means well and I feel guilty as she has obviously gone to great effort to get them all something and I know they haven't got any spare cash.

My p-i-l are the other extreme (we could do swappsie now and again). Ds loves buttons, electronic noises, flashing lights, the whole Blackpool experience and they keep buying him backnumbers from the Brio catalogue that dh can remember having as a child.

Can you bear and grin it for a while Antonia? You might be the most popular destination for your neighbourhood's children if you hold on to your collection.

I have a feeling that grandparents are supposed to give things not 100% appropriate, that's for you to do.

Oh Rhiannon I sympathise. I have one of those. This year was so poor DH actually had words. Not that I think it will do much good.

We've also had similar problems with most of dh's family and even my parents (they all live far away and don't see their 2 year old grandchild that much, so don't know really want he (and I!)like.
This Christmas/ birthday (in Dec) yielded:
Money (which is nice, but unimaginative for him to open) from parents in law
Expensive designer cutlery set (at least 3 years too early) from Auntie
Fluffy duck (about 2 years too young) from my parents ("oh, but they were selling them for a Hospice Appeal..." )
Oh, and to really top it - a copy of Bob the Builder CD, which when we opened it, we realised was an illegal 'bootleg copy'!!
I think you have to just grin and bear it - aargh!

For cheapo presents, my aunt and uncle take the biscuit. This is what she did one Easter - bought a large tube of Smarties for each of the three kids, and (presumably) ate the contents herself. Then went to the market to the crap sweetie stall, and bought a huge bag of imitation Smarties, and filled the empty tubes, securing the by now rather tatty tops with sellotape...I am serious. DD1 was eating them in the car and said 'mummy, these sweets taste funny' and they did. You could easily tell they were imitation Smarties - wrong colours, yukky chocolate. Their presents are a family joke. I have tried to tell them not to buy for me anymore, but they continue to do so. I get pair of tights for my birthday - out of the packet. She buys packets of three tights at a time, and you get them one at a time over years. Oh, and they are that horrible American tan 20 denier type I would never wear. And they are extremely well off, BTW....just mean and a bit stupid! It's actually been an education for the children, as they have learnt to say 'thank you' and sound sincere, which is quite a useful social skill!!

My Aunt saves all the presents she's sent and in following years sends them to other people. Unfortunately, she does not keep a list of who sent her what so we regularly get the same present back - although this time a bit faded/battered in the post.

Sorry Tiktok, I did laugh out loud reading your Smarties story! Bet she didn't even buy the original Smarties, someone probably gave them to her, she ate the contents, and had a brilliant idea about filling them again with rubbish ones!

I do think recycling presents is a good idea though, e.g. every year for birthday and Christmas I always get candles, particularly from people at work. They are lovely, but I just don't use them, so I don't have a problem with giving them to someone else at all.

When I was doing the christmas shopping for christmas 2000, I told MIL what I was going to buy for the kids. Before I knew she'd gone out and bought them so that she could give them as her presents. I've never had a christmas where it's been so hard to think of something else to buy.

Didn't have the problem this year, I told her what they were getting after I'd bought it.

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Just DONT get me started!! Everyone I know has had MIL trouble this past festive season. Mine hasn't spoken to me since new year - well there's a plus!!

I think the whole presents issue ( in general, not just about kids and mils) is becoming increasingly fraught for a couple of reasons, First, it seems never a week goes by that you don't have to get a present for someone or other or some friend's child and that's without starting on Christmas.This takes time as well as money and I don't have vast amounts of either! Second, and this is the main problem, although I am by no means rich I really do have everything I want/need and would be perfactly happy if people would not buy me gifts for birthday and Christmasever again.This is not to say I don't enjoy receiving gifts or am not grateful.
Every single kid I know, however well off or otherwise their parents, has a house choc full of toys, most of which never get played with and which drive their parents mad trying to keep in order.
Each christmas I rack my brains to think of something to buy my nephews and neices which they don't already have but would like, and as often as not, someone else in the family gives them the same thing!
I just think we all own far too much stuff nowadays, and I know I for one find a lot of the time spent doing housework is clearing away a lot of unnecessary stuff . I could not bear to throw away perfectly good things however.
Likewise I worry my children will not appreciate the vaule of money or material possessions if they are given too much by well meaning friends and relatives.
When I had my second baby I asked everyone NOT to buy gifts as we had so much stuff from baby number one(boy)including things he had never even worn and if it was a girl she could wear lots of his baby stuff anyway and I would quite like to choose a few girly things myself! Of course noone listened and we received TONS of gifts.

I am still on a roll for those of you still awake...do you know what one of the fastest growing industries in recent years has been? Home storage. Because people now have so much stuff they need to buy more stuff to put it in!

I love it when I see something, maybe a book or whatever which I just know my sister will love and I get it for her for no particular reason ( not a birthday or anything). That is what I think gift giving should be about.NOt, "it's Christmas so I HAVE to buy gifts for x,y, and z"
When we all feel obliged to exchange gifts for every occasion, that is when some folks can get offended because they are given what is perceived as duff gifts!
My dhs brother has two young daughters with a house full of toys and every time a birthday comes around I wonder why we continue with this ridiculous charade of buying yet more stuff for them not to play with.
Am I the only one who feels this way?Has anyone come up with a solution?
Oh by the way my dhs philosophy on gifts is they should be small and edible or drinkable!

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Jasper, you are so right. DS isn't even 2 and I couldn't believe the amount of stuff he got for Christmas. We had bought him a trainset but decided to wait to give it to him for his birthday in a few months, besides which we have to make room for it amongst all the other plastic cars/trains/trucks. He didn't really appreciate any of it being so young, but on the other hand we try to make sure he isn't 'spoiled' during the rest of the year and discourage grandparents from buying him presents at other times.

The other bugbear is all the flaming thank you cards that have to be written! A great aunt sent a card to ds before Christmas with a voucher inside, then she was badgering my mum a couple of days later saying 'well I haven't heard back that it's been received'. There's me still writing Christmas cards/wrapping presents, as if I've got time to send her a thank you note then!!!

I think i've said this before about the woman at my kid's primary school who cause an absolute furore by asking for a 50p donation to a childrens charity or the RSPCA instead of presents! I thought it was a great idea, but some of the more - shall we say - traditional parents were quite mean about it. But it had got beyond ridiculous, the amount of presents and cakes and birthday parties that a 5 year old could attend. Their social calendar was better than mine, and that couldn't be allowed to continue!! I tried telling my MIL what the kids want but she does her own thing anyway, so whats the point? I've decided to go MY own way this year, and if certain parties don't like it, well it's a taste of their own medicine, so ner ner!!

One mum at her son's party had a 'donation'box towards a new bike which went down quite well. I got my best friend tickets to see Disney on Ice - cos I didn't know what to get them as they have a house full of toys and she won't have to dust it or put it away later !!1.
But yes I still buy junk for the school friends

I hereby promise that I will NOT be a MIL from hell!!!

LOL, Kia!! I'm going to be a MIL from next Saturday, when my eldest gets married. Now, where's my broomstick........?

Surely you have to be a bit of a witch when you are a MIL, doesnt it go with the territory?

I'm already the wicked witch of the west, how do I apply for more territory?!

Kia, just take it, if your that wicked you'll have no problem.

I don't know whether to be offended by that remark!!! Oh NO, thats what MILs say!! Has the process begun without my realising it?! AAAarrgh!

My friend's MIL bought her 2 sweatshirts for Christmas, with embroidery of flowers and bunnies on them in very dirty autumnal colours. All of which it is common knowledge that she hates. 'Oh I thought you'd like a change' says MIL.

I think we all know what thought comes next!!

I agree with the earlier comments about presents. This year I had to get loads of presents for my children -

• from my father, (who never gets round to it, then asks me to buy something and wrap it up for him, then sends me a cheque),
• from two lots of godparents (who both send me a cheque in advance and ask me to get something),
• from my brother (who waits until a few days before Christmas, then phones and says he hasn't got anything yet, can I help) *from my parents in law (who gave us some money in November and said divide it between yourselves).

Now I don't want to seem ungrateful, because its nice that everyone cares. But not a single one of them has children of their own, they are not juggling home/work lives, they all drive and live near towns, and surely could manage to ask me in plenty of time what the boys would like, then wrap something up and post it.

Am I a grouchy old cow? Does anyone have suggestions about how to handle this one?