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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your husband screamed and shouted at you to do something, would you do it?

105 replies

Pignata · 05/01/2009 22:41

I don't even know how to word this.

I'll try my best.

Your husband/partner asks you to do something (something petty like turn off the PC) and you say no. He then shouts at you to do it. You say no. He then goes nuts and starts shouting and screaming in your face to turn it off and threatens you.

Would you
a) tell him to fuck off an ignore him
b) consider the possibilty that he may hit you and turn it off
c) turn it off straight away?

OP posts:
kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 05/01/2009 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ingles2 · 05/01/2009 22:43

er.. a
has this happened to you Pig?

littleboyblue · 05/01/2009 22:44

I'm with korma. Cheeky f*ker. Do you think he would hit you?

edam · 05/01/2009 22:45

e - tell him to fuck off. And then issue an ultimatum - Relate or shut the door on your way out. Shouting and screaming in your face is domestic abuse. OK, people lose it sometimes, but this really does sound completely out of order.

Original poster
Pignata · 05/01/2009 22:45

yes I do. I know he would. I'm just trying to work out whether I escaleted the situation but why should I 'do as I am told'.

OP posts:
edam · 05/01/2009 22:46

or f. - if you think he's going to hit you, get out or call the cops?

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 22:46

Tell him to fuck off......out of my house.

formerly been victim of DV so am rather sensetive to such things

scrooged · 05/01/2009 22:47

I'd be at the divorce lawyer quicker than he can blink!

edam · 05/01/2009 22:47

OK, in that case I think you should call women's aid or refuge as soon as you can and get some advice about how to handle this so you are safe.

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 22:47

and if you actually do believe he would hit you then he needs to leave anyway

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 05/01/2009 22:49

In my case, I'd wonder if I'd been on the PC too long, but my DH hasn't recently humiliated me publicly about IBS.

This is about more than switching the PC off.

littleboyblue · 05/01/2009 22:50

Oh dear. I don' think it matters in the slightest if you escalated the situation or not, and you're not a child, so no in a situation like that you shouldn't have to do what you are told.
What a horrible situation. If you know he would physically lash out at you, can I be really nosey and ask why you are still there?
Are you scared to leave? Or do you love him so much you are hoping he will change? as he hit you before?

LittleBella · 05/01/2009 22:51

he threatened you?

With what?

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 05/01/2009 22:51

Oh my dear, you are being horribly, scarily bullied.

It's something athat a lot of women go through, but it's not normal, iyswim.

Tomorrow, he will tell you how much he loves you. But this problem won't go away.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 05/01/2009 22:52

I would be aware of my situation.

in my current situation I would tell him to fuck off and leave the room.

if I was in a situation where I believed that he may hit me or I would be attacked further I would turn the telly off and work on getting him out of my life asap.

please get some help if you are being intimidated and threatened

LuckySalem · 05/01/2009 22:52

I'm afraid it would be secret answer D - LEAVE and wait for an explanation in the morning!

bellavita · 05/01/2009 22:53

I am with Korma on this one, D

BoffinMum · 05/01/2009 22:53

I'm with korma.

This sounds really bad. Stop blaming yourself and get outta there NOW!!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 05/01/2009 22:55

What Korma said.

Alambil · 05/01/2009 22:57

E - tell him he NEVER speaks to me like that and he is to leave the house with immediate effect.

Remember - 0808 2000 247

Be careful and stay safe Pinata x

Original poster
Pignata · 05/01/2009 22:58

I don't know what to think or do anymore. He phoned me to say he'd left the PC on by accident and asked me to turn it off. I said I would. He came home 10 minutes later and I had decided not to turn it off and to have a look on ebay myself for a few minutes. He said "why didn't you turn it off?" so I said "I wanted a quick look on ebay. He muttered something and walked away. Five minutes later I left the computer to go to the bathroom, he came up and said "why is the PC still on?" so I said "because I'm still using it". He said "no you're not, you're in the bathroom" so I said "I'm going back on it in a minute".

Anyway he said "just turn it off" so I said "I will when I've finished". This is when he went nuts and shouted "what the fuck is wrong with you? turn it off!" I ignored him. He shouted at me again and I said "do I ever tell you what to do? I'll turn it off when I've finished so he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall and started shouting in my face not to "dare" talk to him like that and "if you carry this on, I'll make you unrecognisable" then he pushed me over. He later said I was over-reacting because he never "hit" me.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 05/01/2009 22:59

I guess you think you should have turned the PC off, because then he wouldn't have got so cross with you. Like you were inviting him to get violent, by not doing what he asked you to do and refusing?

So you know as good a thread title would be -

Is it okay if my husband screams and shouts at me because he wants me to do something for him?

The answer is no, isn't it? Absolutely not okay, at all.

In a way that's the situation. You haven't inflamed anything. He is behaving badly and bullying you.

CatMandu · 05/01/2009 23:00

I think, in the nicest possible way that you are looking for someone to say that it's all understandable and that you should stay. Nobody is going to say that, this thread and your others paint a picture that everyone can see isn't a good one. I know it's probably very scary to leave, but you have to. There are no solutions to this except to get away from this man and his influence on you and your dc's.

ahundredtimes · 05/01/2009 23:00

Oh Pignata - x posts.

I am sorry about it. You weren't in the wrong, you need to know that.

Does he lose his temper a lot?

Alambil · 05/01/2009 23:00

Pignata PLEASE call 999 right now.

Please.

This isn't the first time in less than a week he's been like this - you need it documenting

Please < hug >

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