If your husband screamed and shouted at you to do something, would you do it?

[Pignata]

I don't even know how to word this.

I'll try my best.

Your husband/partner asks you to do something (something petty like turn off the PC) and you say no. He then shouts at you to do it. You say no. He then goes nuts and starts shouting and screaming in your face to turn it off and threatens you.

Would you
a) tell him to fuck off an ignore him
b) consider the possibilty that he may hit you and turn it off
c) turn it off straight away?

BlueSapphire

dear god, some people are truly, truly evil (or very ill)

pignata, can I plead with you to not leave this thread and start another one (with possible escalation)in a few days, like you did with the last worrying incident that you described

I understand life is moving along for you and you still have day-to-day things to do with the dc, but it is unfair to disappear when people are replying with such heartfelt concern and sharing their own horrifying experiences.

Jesus BlueSapphire that was bad -- and you are brilliant for having got out of it and recovered to form a good relationship.

Huge respect to all of you on this thread who are coping or have coped with this.

My father hit and punched my mother on many occasions. Broke an arm; partially strangled. I have several photographic memories of her being pushed about. It was nowhere near as bad as what has been described here, but it was enought to mess me up, and my brother and sister too.

Pignata my exP started off just like yours.

Then one night we went out had an argurment & I went home to bed. He came back about an hour later blaming me for cheating. He then dragged me out of bed and beat me and then raped me.

He begged for forgiveness and promised he would never do it again. So I forgave him.

He then started beating me, raping me and playing mind games on a monthly basis and that soon turned weekly and then daily.

With in 1yr he had me turned against my family and friends due to mild games.

The beatings went on and anytime I tried to leave he would through himself down the stairs after me and drag me back to the flat by the hair. He would also cut his wrists to stop me leaving and saying he would kill himself if I left him. The wooden floors in the flat were covered with his and my blood everytime there was violence

He had me so messed up in the head that I believed him when he said that if he slept with a prostatite (?sp) it would make our relationship better. I believed him and while I walked around Belfast in the freezing cold he went and slept with the prostatite.

I then got pregnant by him and when I was 10wks he beat me so badly that I lost the baby and ended up in hospital. I then realised if I stay with him he would kill me. 3 days later and I moved to Brighton and was the best thing I could have ever done.

This is just a few bits out of what happened in that relationship.
You need to get out ASAP for your own safety, it doesn't get better, it only gets worse.

that's horrendous noshitsherlock.

My husband wouldn't do that. He loves me.
I would never do that to him.
Why should he control when the computer is on anyway? He sounds like a bullying control freak.
The only time I've got angry with my husband being on the computer is when he wouldn't turn it off and come to bed. I did threaten to chuck it out then. If I was going out though I would be happy for bloke to spend hours on it, as he'll then be computered out by the time I get home and we can talk to each other.

When I was a child I new a family where one couple had got divorced under very difficult circumstances, the woman was left with children and a mortgage she could only pay by working. What she did was put the word out that she was looking for another single Mum to move in rent free. The woman who moved in left an abusive man, literally he went to work and she and the kids did a runner. It worked well for both women, the working Mum could work ft and pay the mortgage because the other Mum looked after the dc's. The Mum who'd been abused didn't pay rent and they all chipped in for food etc. I often think this was a great system. Could you do something like this?

Pignata, I hope you come back here. I'm worried for you. Hope you're staying safe.

Oh Pignata
I was following your other thread and its plain his abuse is escalating.
He truly believes he has the right to treat you like this, so there is no point in trying to reason with him. But he has NO right.

Can you talk to anyone in RL about this? If not please CAT me.
You cant leave before you are ready, before you finally "see" that you must leave and never come back. I hope that is soon.
Whereabouts in UK are you, (just generally)?

I have jst read this with such a heavy heart for you Pignata - and everyone thats posted their story.

I was in an abusive relationship for 2yrs which still leaves me chilled to the bone with what i put up with etc, and that was only 2yrs.

please take everyones advice and get out now.

i hope you are still reading this thread and that u r ok

xxx

just popped back to see if you had been on and if you were alright

Hi am sure everyone who has posted has done so to show how it can escalate, not looking for sympathy.. i certainly did it for the reason of showing what a few nasty words can eventually turn into.
My DD is in foster care, not as a result of the DV, but i was glad she was out of it, i actually felt like asking the ss to take my son as well, glad i didn't as the pain of seperation from my DD and other stuff that went on at the same time gave me strength that i didn't know i had, and it was the push i needed to realise what had happened to my family, and myself personally. I was in the darkest corner of my life, and could see no way out.
My wake up call as i say was ending up in hospital believing i would never walk or hold my children again, that was, however still a few months before i threw him out finally. The last straw was having him shout across a camping site heaving with people that i was a bad mother who deserved to lose my DD. When we got home, i collected my 2 GSD's from my mothers who had been dog sitting, he started to get agressive and one of my dogs trying to protect me, bit him quite badly, he grabbed her and tried to wrench her mouth open, and then the other joined in the attack. In all the time i had been with this man i would have never let him harm my pets or my kids, seeing him hurt my dog, even though i had been through years of abuse at his hands, was THE last straw.
When he ran outside with both dogs ripping chunks out of him, i saw him for the bully he was.
That was the last time i saw him.
Now we have a contact battle going on, it is five years since i saw him face to face and when i did, i was scared until i saw him, he looked so small compared to when he was looming over me, all the fear went and is now replaced by anger.
He apologises for what he did, then denied it in court, if he had the balls to stand up and say "I did wrong but i want to make amends, see my son, and make up for what i put them through" or something to that effect, maybe i could have forgiven.
He is now just a bad memory to me, a lesson in life i wished i hadn't of had to experience but i am glad i did because it made me who i am today, and it means i can be compassionate with the OP..had i not been through it personally, i would have been, ah fuck him off, he is a dirtbag, why do you stay, ect, i would have been more judgemental.
Dear dear OP i am still thinking of you and hope you find the strength through the support you have here, to make the decision to leave this evil person. He does not deserve you, he has no respect for you, and you need to be free to find someone who does both. Only you can make the final decision.
Make the right one for you xx

Pignata i hope you are able to return at some point to this thread.
even if it's just to let us know you are ok.

Im not sure what else i can say to convince you that this man is potentially a violant and abusive man. i hope that the stories told by Bluesaphire and noShitSherlock are able to demonstrate to you that you are not alone. there are people who have been through what your going through.
we understand that it is not easy. we fully understand that you have 3million thoughts racing round yoru head, that all it takes is for him to walk past and give you a gentle hug or for you to glimps him playing with teh kids for you to convince yourself that he isn't that bad. that things will be ok.

you need to thin back at that angry snarling face threatening to make you "unrecognisable" train yourself to get that image everytime you hear yourself saying he isn;'t that bad.

and please please let us know how your getting on. even if you decide to stay.
and as others have said, do keep posting. if anything happens this will be kept as a log of the incidents so that if in the future you need evedence of the abuse it will all be here, timed and dated. trust me, in court that is invaluable.

Thanks again for the kind messages and words of support. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm ok. I will be around more tomorow day time but I am reading and taking in the advice being given. Thank you x

Mamazon your advice has been the best i have seen on this post. You have been open and helpful and totally non judgemental especially considering what you have been through would make most people sit there screaming "Ffs just leave him" lol

You have given some very practical advice hun.
Pignata, glad you are ok flower, chin up and hope to see you about tomorrow xx

Mamazon I am in awe of you woman, I had no idea.What sticks in my mind most from your posts is your wonderful son trying to protect you when he was so tiny.

Pignata, I hope you can summon up the courage to leave him.

I'm so glad that you can hear that there is life and trust after a sitiation like yours.

it was horrible. horrible then and even more horrible now.

i convinced myself that he was unaware of what was happening but now that he is older he speaks quite openly of what he saw. he tells me that he knows daddy hit me.
it is truely far more painfull than anything his father ever did.

Bluesaphire - thank you. it means a lot, especially from someone who has experienced similar.
people screaming leave is my biggest bug bear on these threads. all it does is add more guilt to the poor person in that situation.

it is very rare to find ANYONE that has left an abusive relationship after teh first incident. Refuge research suggests that a woman is attacked 14 times before she leaves...i would suggest that is a massive under estimation for women who have children.

Pignatat - thanks for letting us know your ok. i wont be around tomorrow daytime but i will check teh thread when i come on tomorrow evening.
stay safe x

Glad you're ok Pignata. Please take care.

OMG yes i forgot to say about the things the kids say .. when you truly realise what they went through, and that hearing stuff is sometimes as bad as seeing it, actually it can be worse.
My son asks me now outright..what did my dad do to you when 'such and such'

How do you answer? The whole truth? Part of it?

The times when he remembers things when he was tiny, that i wouldn't have thought he was old enough to remember..and states "My dad strangled you.."
I try to tell him, yes, it happened, but it's over now and we are safe and happy.

Nothing can take away his fear though, that as his dad was like that, and his grandad (on his dads side) hits his nana, does it mean he will be too? I have tried to explain over and over but he does worry so much..its a real shame. And when he says his dad is probably like he is because he was badly treated by his G'dad, when he was little, he is so thoughtful and forgiving that it brings tears to my eyes.

I still feel terrible at what i put them through but it gets less every day i realise more and more we are all HIS victims, and i have nothing to feel guilty for.

just checking in. hope things are calm Pignata

Mamazon thanks for that from my POV it has stopped me being a thread killer lol

I do hope things are ok for the OP
I think she must have been left with a lot of things to think about

BlueSapphire, my father was violent to my mother -- and my brother is the gentlest, most supportive partner and parent you could wish for. I think you are doing the right thing in allowing your son to question you about it, and answering frankly. It will help to shape him as a compassionate young man.

Pignata, sorry to hijack your thread a little bit. I hope things are calm for you now -- my very best wishes.

Threadworm, yes hun you are right, my DS is a very caring loving boy and very empathetic and compassionate. My DD was recently in her first relationship which turned slightly abusive (she is only 14) but her bf was playing mind games..she soon fked him off lol i know i'll have no worries about her in the future!!

My DS does ask some pretty tough questions and demands that i am very honest, and sometimes the description borders on graphic but like i have said on another thread, if he is old enough to ask, he is old enough to know. There are some things i do hold back on obviously as they would never be described as helpful.. the hardest thing to explain is how it began tbh, and his dad and grandad are very quick to defend themselves and their behaviour by making excuses or saying i am lying.

Fortunately my DS sees through this and tells them, my mum has NEVER lied to me ( i haven't) so she isn't going to lie to me about this.. that scuppers their plans! lol