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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If your husband screamed and shouted at you to do something, would you do it?

105 replies

Pignata · 05/01/2009 22:41

I don't even know how to word this.

I'll try my best.

Your husband/partner asks you to do something (something petty like turn off the PC) and you say no. He then shouts at you to do it. You say no. He then goes nuts and starts shouting and screaming in your face to turn it off and threatens you.

Would you
a) tell him to fuck off an ignore him
b) consider the possibilty that he may hit you and turn it off
c) turn it off straight away?

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 05/01/2009 23:02

That is not okay behavior. If DH dared do that to me He would be facing death by frying pan.

Get out of there. You do not deserve to be treat in this way. Your H needs anger management and counselling and you need to be somewhere you feel safe and secure.

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 23:02

PLEase take it from someone thathas been there. he may not have hit you tonight, he may not have hit you so far in your relationship but if he is able to behave like that and not even offer any remorse then at one stage he probably will.

please contact Womens Aid for some guidance about how to make a safe exit from this relationship.

ahundredtimes · 05/01/2009 23:03

Was there something on the computer he didn't want you to see?

littleboyblue · 05/01/2009 23:03

OMG!!!! That is shocking behaviour. There is no reason whatsoever to do that to you no matter what tbh. Where is he now?
i would seriously suggest you get away from him pretty quickly. Must have been very frightening. Do you have dc's? Are they in the house? Do they see/hear these tings?

Alambil · 05/01/2009 23:03

he WILL "make you unrecognisable" -faster than you can imagine, I fear.

Look how much he's escalated in the last few days

999 / 0808 2000 247 - please, get help to get a better life for you

KerryMumbles · 05/01/2009 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 05/01/2009 23:04

Mine xP used to do lots of things like this. It culminated in him twisting my arm behind my back and dragging me across our daughters bedroom in front of her, nearly breaking my arm. This was because I wanted to lock the toilet door, which he didn't want me to be able to do. I left and never looked back.

You have to get out of there. This is abuse big time and will most likely escalate badly.

Dalrymps · 05/01/2009 23:04

That is terrible. You said nothing that would drive a 'normal' person to such extremes. You were just explaining that you were still using it and therefor hadn't turned it off yet. The correct response would have been 'oh, ok then' but to be honest, he shouldn't have been telling you to do anything in the first place.

I really think you need to get out of this situation fast, it is not normal behaviour at all.

bellavita · 05/01/2009 23:06

Looking at her other threads, this man is not nice.

blinks · 05/01/2009 23:07

has he got a routine so you know when he won't be there?

think about what you'd need to take and plan an escape asap.

you're walking on thin ice with this man. be safe.

mashedup · 05/01/2009 23:08

This is the exact reason why I left my exH. I don't think talking to him will help, some people just don't want to hear that their behaviour is wrong. I'm a lot more confident now and if a man treated me like that, he would be shown the door.
Domestic abuse affects both women and men, and as long as people put up with it, it won't be stopped.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

Pignata · 05/01/2009 23:08

Thanks for the replies. I have phoned women's aid in the past and they were great but something keeps coming back in my head that its not too bad and I should stay. I know it's stupid.

He is in the shower now. He has apologised and is acting as though nothing has happened. I will have to sign off soon so If I stop posting its just that I have gone to bed.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 23:09

By Mamazon on Thu 17-Apr-08 01:50:07
My childrens father was a very abusive man.
you can of course forgive him and allow him back into your life. I did.
I allowed him home after he was arrested for common assault time and time again.
i took him back after he held a knife to my throat, after he punched me in the face, after he slapped/kicked/ punched/pulled my hair.
I took him back after he punched me in the stomach so hard whilst pregnant i miscarried.
I didn't even leave him after the weekly rapes.
And as disgusted as i am to say it, i didnt even leave him after he knocked my then 18motnth old son off the bed because he was trying to protect me.

It took me 6 years to leave.
My son is now considered (by a TOP child psychaitrist) to have such severe anger and behavioural issues caused by the childhood trauma he experianced that unless he has extensive and intensive therapy and councelling he is a danger to the public, especially women.

As bizaar as this sounds (even to me) i still love my ex. I have been away from him for 3 years, and i hate him...but there is a history between us that will never leave me.

You asked what you should do. I cannot answer that for you. Domestic abuse is a very personal thing. for some women the first case of controling behaviour is enough, for others it takes years.

Don't allow yourself to feel guilty if you feel you are not yet strong nough to leave. you will have people who say you deserve all you get if you dont run away. there will be people with no real experiance of DV who say "if someone hit me i would xyz"
It is very easy to say how you would react if you have never been in that position.

I KNOW its not as simple as that.

You know deep down that your relationship as you would like it is over.
It is up to you whether you attempt to try again. if you do i would take thinsg very slowly. don't allow him to move straight back to your home, make sure he seeks councelling for his anggression.

If you decide against taking him back (i think you know what i and the rest of MN wuold like you to do) then you need to speak to someone about your situation. both financial and practicle.

Womens Aid are fantastic. they will not pressurise you into leaving if you dont want to but they will point you in the direction of the help you need whatever decision you make.

If you would liek to talk off board and give some more details about your circumstances i can be of more help....even if its just some sage advice from someone who has been there and done it all before.

bellavita · 05/01/2009 23:11

Mamazon that is so shocking.

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 23:12

just something to think about. i can go find some more of my very old posts if you like, just ti show some more reasons why this really will never get better.

im sorry. i know you are going to find this hard and i am always teh first person to say that we shoukld never pressurise someone to leave, but you NEEd to understand that this WILL get worse.

i would much rather nag you to leave in thehiopes that you onlyhave to look back at shouting rather than thinking of the physical pain he inflicted.

please get out

littleboyblue · 05/01/2009 23:13

Not too bad? Can I suggest you just read this again....

I don't know what to think or do anymore. He phoned me to say he'd left the PC on by accident and asked me to turn it off. I said I would. He came home 10 minutes later and I had decided not to turn it off and to have a look on ebay myself for a few minutes. He said "why didn't you turn it off?" so I said "I wanted a quick look on ebay. He muttered something and walked away. Five minutes later I left the computer to go to the bathroom, he came up and said "why is the PC still on?" so I said "because I'm still using it". He said "no you're not, you're in the bathroom" so I said "I'm going back on it in a minute".

Anyway he said "just turn it off" so I said "I will when I've finished". This is when he went nuts and shouted "what the fuck is wrong with you? turn it off!" I ignored him. He shouted at me again and I said "do I ever tell you what to do? I'll turn it off when I've finished so he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall and started shouting in my face not to "dare" talk to him like that and "if you carry this on, I'll make you unrecognisable" then he pushed me over. He later said I was over-reacting because he never "hit" me.

Pretend for a second that it was posted by someone else, and surely you can see that this is not only bad, but very bad.
Agree with bliks, next time he goes out, get your dc's a few bare essentials and get the hell out of there. Do it tomorrow. Please.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 05/01/2009 23:14

It is that bad. And it will only get worse. How old is are your dc? I grew up with dv and its something I would never in a million years want for my children.

Do you want your dc to be laying awake on a night in however many years times silently begging for him to hit you again so they can hear you scream and know that you are still alive?

I'm guessing no? You need to leave this man at least in the short term and he needs help.

Alambil · 05/01/2009 23:14

Pretending it's all alright and over is part of the abuse too - convinces you it's not that bad. It's only a few minutes in the evening every so often..... right?

In that few minutes though, how much damage could he do?

This IS bad, it IS systematic and he IS escalating from what I've seen you writing on here.

PLEASE get tonight's stuff documented.

I put up with many evenings like this one, I thought they weren't so bad, but really - they are....

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 05/01/2009 23:15

You need to listen to mamazon. Having been in the same situation i am certain this will not get better. He has physically assaulted you and is now acting as if nothing has happened?

Please call womens aid and leave him, find somewhere safe and get some peace.

Original poster

Pignata · 05/01/2009 23:16

mamazon I really should sign off now but I didn't want to leave after reading that. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I will post more and in more detail tomorow, thanks for the replies and I will be back to the thread, just I'm pushed for time tonight. Thanks for taking the time to offer kind words and advice, I am still thinking everything over.

OP posts:

littleboyblue · 05/01/2009 23:16

Mamazon How awful.

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 23:17

don't be sorry. i was fortunate to have gotten out and am now blissfully happy.

others aren't so lucky. i hope hearing a glimpse into what life with an abusive man is like you will gain the strength you need

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2009 23:17

there is something on the pc he didn't want you to see

I don't like to think what it might be

mamazon, I am truly shocked at your experiences

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 05/01/2009 23:18

Pignata, love, this is escalating really badly. He is going to hurt you, and soon. Please report his behaviour, call Women's Aid, call the local DOmestic Violence unit. You can get him removed from the house and permanently excluded from it.

Mamazon · 05/01/2009 23:19

oh trust me its not even the half of it.
the rest is far too depressing for MN.

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