If your husband screamed and shouted at you to do something, would you do it?

[Pignata]

I don't even know how to word this.

I'll try my best.

Your husband/partner asks you to do something (something petty like turn off the PC) and you say no. He then shouts at you to do it. You say no. He then goes nuts and starts shouting and screaming in your face to turn it off and threatens you.

Would you
a) tell him to fuck off an ignore him
b) consider the possibilty that he may hit you and turn it off
c) turn it off straight away?

I feel sick for you.

I have never been through any kind of domestic violence so I cannot offer advice and like Mamazon says, it's easy for me to sit here and say if my dp ever did anything like that I'd blah blah blah and I'm sure it is not that easy.
Thinking what seashells just said about your screams letting dc's know your still alive is a horrible thought.
Please don't let im get away with this. What about if a day comes when he doesn't get enough satisfaction from beating the shit out of you and turns to someone else?
I hope the rest of tonight is a calm one for you.

What an absolute and total cunting cock of an arsehole this man is. 'Unrecognisable'??? Nice. Pignata please don't waste another moment of your time with the dickhead. Life is too short. He treats you so badly that he clearly doesn't love or respect you. Sorry - but how can anybody treat some one they love with such utter contempt, humiliation and threats of violence if you don't do as he wants. You really don't need the twat.

Get out - or throw him out - and quickly!!!!

honestly, you shouldn't.

im not there anymore, he has no idea where i am and i am safe. im very happy and my life is completly different now.

i hope Pignata realises that she can have a life without agression too

I know Mamazon, I mean I feel sick for what you have lived through

Pignata

Please listen to what seashells said. I too remember listen to those screams and running bare footed to our neighbours house cos my dad was beating my mum.

Do not put the children through it...you are their protector. You can leave before its too late.

Mamazon..im so glad you had the courage to live and you and your son are now able to live in safety

If my DH ever shouted or even spoke to me the way yours has I would not do what he wanted, I would not ignore him, we would have a blazing row, but then I'm not terrified he'll hit me. Hon, this is horrible. I just looked at your other thread about NYE and he sounds like a complete shit bag, and a violent shit bag. You have to say enough is enough at some point. He's treating you horribly.

Pignata - this is not right. You need to either leave or get him to leave.

Mamazon - I too am sorry for what you went through - and so sorry for your DS.

Pignata - I have met Mamazon and she is gorgeous and strong and happy and confident. Obv she wasn't once but she is now. She got through it and you can too. There will be lots of help and support on here for you so keep posting.

mamazon put my thoughts into words well so I'm just going to say while you are there it doesnt always feel so bad, leaving feels much worse the up heaval sp the upset the arguments

can I just say once you make the desicion to go it does become easier the problems that you think you are going to encounter you do but with help and a new way of looking at things my world looked different the day I left my ex husband

All the best I am sure it will work out for you these people on here were great to me all those years ago

I would second what everyone else is saying, esp Mamazon. This will never get better.

I also agree there is probably something dodgy on the PC he doesn't want you to see. These men are very secretive and sometimes dishonest, in my experience. They apply one set of rules to themselves and another to other people, especially women.

I think the worst part of the abuse for me was the manipulation and mind games, which meant my confidence hit rock bottom and I lost the ability to trust my own judgement for a very long time. I think it took me about 10 years to recover. The sooner you get out, or get him out, the quicker the recovery process can start for you. You are deluding yourself if you think it is possible to make this situation better. There - I couldn't have put it more frankly than that.

How I left:

1. Saved up 2.5 months' rent for a small flat, plus a deposit, by doing two or three extra small jobs (babysitting, music teaching, etc) and lying to him about my salary (because he would always find ways of spending my money).

1. Secretly viewed flats and found something suitable nearby.

1. Signed 6 month tenancy and applied for Housing Benefit at the same time. Explained my situation to Housing Officer who was sympathetic.

1. Set up utilities, had phone connected, etc with all invoices sent to the flat.

1. Did a big shop and stocked up kitchen in the flat.

1. Started to move stuff out, including bedding, DD's things, some of my own things, but by bit while he was at work. Prepared for moonlight flit to new flat.

1. Eventually new home was ready so just told him I was moving out and got friend to be ready to spring me. Wasn't necessary in the end as he was surprisingly docile and let me go without a fuss.

Pignata, many wise ladies with experience on this thread. Boffinmum's approach is very practical. Plan now and get out before the violence escalates.

Steel yourself, please. And do not involve social services on the DV side of things or allow things to get so bad they step in: cautionary other thread

Mamazon your one post reads like i could have done it word for word..apart from the one with your son..
And the fact that i put up with it for 9 years.. well done for saying to pignata about the length of time you put up with the abuse because some people truly believe they are trapped/too stupid ect ect to ever be able to leave.
This is a result of the abuser wearing down your self esteem and also of you getting so numb to the abuse that it becomes almost normal.
I suppose the same as me, and many others, mamazon could tell you things that would turn your hair WHITE..these men never stop, they fall into a rut where they know they can get away with it, and they feel almost justified in doing the things they do, because most other people LIKE them, they think, everyone else thinks i'm great so i must be, and YOU think therefore as everyone else thinks your DP/DH is a charming wonderful man, that it 'must be something i'm doing, i must try harder'

My new DP is a grumpy arse and sometimes borders on being emotionally abusive (well, he tries it on) but i am not afraid to stand up to him, and yes, we could have a blazing row, but he would NEVER lay a finger on me. If he did, he would have to leave because, he would never be able to relax, sleep, or turn his back on me. EVER.

Please leave this man hun, if i remember right it is you that posted about IBS.. and him being horrible to you about that.
He got away with that (not your fault) so now he has moved on to stage two of his operation to make you feel like shit. And to keep you dependent on him he throws you a flippant apology and acts like he did nothing wrong. this way you will depend and hope for nice hubby to make an appearance and try to ride out or ignore the bad times.

You are in my thoughts today. I really do feel for you xx

I think it gives you something to focus on, and allows you to maintain your dignity, setting up an alternative home on the side. This is why all women should have a secret running away fund, frankly.

Pignata - have just skim read thread but your 'not too bad' comment struck a chord with me. I think it seems 'not too bad' because you're so used to this type of shit behaviour at the moment. I can guarantee that if you leave you will look back in a year or so's time and be absolutely outraged that anyone ever spoke to you this way.

Go - you deserve so much better.

Reading about him makes me so upset and angry, I feel like I'd want someone to make him unrecognisable. What an utter arsehole.

I really hope you get the strength to leave, and soon.
Be careful about him finding out you're writing about him on here in any case.

the "not too bad" comment struck me too.

i have highlighted some of teh incidents but there were more. many many more. and yet whilst i was in the relationship i was convinced that i cuoldn't tell people as they would just laugh it off. that it "wasn't that bad"

i managed to tell myself that we just argued, we were both fiery people and it served me right for arguing with him when i should have known better.

Someone said that he has behaved like this prevuiously and "gotten away with it" although that sounds odd its true.
he has tried this manipulative, degrading and abusive behaviour and because you have put up with it he see's it as a green light. this level of abuse will continue for as long as you allow it. he will gain confidence in his ability to control you and know that you wont leave so he will be more and more agressive in time.

i used to look back with fond memories to the days when he just used to push me up against the wall by my throat and shout at me.

PLEASE PLEASE don't allow yourself to build a memory bank like mine.
if you want to talk about anything off board then feel free to email me
[email protected]

Read up to your 22:58 post.

He needs to go a very long way away from you and bloody well calm down.

Pignata

Read your posts as if I posted them.

What would you advise me to do?

People used to actually say to me 'it doesn't sound that bad', including a doctor I told and one (male) solicitor I consulted, but then it came to me in a moment of clarity what my life would be like in a few years' time if I stayed there, and it wasn't at all good.

How can humiliating your girlfriend, kicking your girlfriend in the stomach, pushing and shoving her, and dragging her across your daughter's bedroom not be that bad??

It is bad to treat women like this.

The "make you unrecogniseable" comment has sent a chill through my blood. I hope you get some help to get away from this man pignata.

I finally left my ExP when he hit me so hard across the back of the neck i woke up in hospital paralysed and was told 'luckily' it was because of bruising pinching the nerves..and that i would regain full mobility..

The scariest moment of my life EVER.. Thinking that i was paralysed, no one was there with me when i woke up, the thought "He has finally really hurt me," running through my head. I would rather he had killed me at that point.
Being told that to revive me, he had put my head in a bowl of water..Unconscious, you would drown, apparently the reflex to cough or choke doesn't work? But luckily the police arrived and got me out of the water, if they had come later i would have 'drowned'

Worse than being throttled, and i MEAN when they get their fingers behind your windpipe and get up close to you and breathe in your face "I could kill you right now, all i have to do is pull."

No, actually, all they have to do is let go and a bubble of air could cause a haemorrhage in your brain.

Being pushed into a bath full of hot water.

Having whiskey poured all over you and hair set alight.

Worse than being beaten up while i was pg with my son and having my arm and pelvis broken.

That list is for the same reason as mamazon. You do NOT want memories like this for you or your kids and he is truly heading that way. The not so bad incidents were hair pulling, pinching, biting, kicking, punches in the kidneys hard enough to make you winded and therefore 'quiet' which apparently was my Ex's reason for strangling me too..

And it is so hard to read those words someone posted about the kids hoping he will hit you again so they will know you are still alive, because i know i did that to my 2 DC's for 9 years
I made so many excuses, forgave so many times, put up with his friends telling me how wonderful he was and why i deserved what i got for winding him up.
I never put my kids first because i thought they never saw it. They bloody heard it though
My mum disowned me because she was so frightened the next time she saw me it would be to identify my body, but this was after 8 years of coming to break it up, coming to collect me from wherever he had dumped me out of the car, from hospital, once from outside my house where he had pushed me out with no clothes on

Now, i am with someone who would never lay a finger on me, my self esteem is back, and i look at the past and think even of the small things, i gave him everything, why did i let him treat me like that? I don't feel guilty (except for the torment of my kids).. Because he wore me down gradually with nasty comments BEFORE the hitting started. And he and his friends made me feel it was my fault, i deserved it, it wasn't THAT BAD..

Chuck the scumbag and walk away with your dignity intact and your head held high. While you can still WALK away..

Worse things start with a push, a punch, a slap....

bluesapphire . Glad you are in a better place now. You earned it after what you have been through.

I agree NAB
All wrapped up in one sentence