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Original poster

Partner walked out, easier to meet new man + have dream life if i abort his baby?

82 replies

kleio · 02/01/2009 19:27

I found out i'm pregnant; it's a contraception failure. Not sure about abortion and/or trying to get a new life. I'm still quite young; don't have my career established (in process); i wanted to have kids in my 30s and live in the country and give up work to be there for my children, but now it's all gone wrong with this accident. I feel really sorry for the baby-to-be messed up in this, it's growing inside me and i'm ho huming about whether to destroy it.

The man who assured me we he wanted that traditional life with me has left me after telling me i had ruined his life and why didn't i have an abortion and not tell him? He keeps saying 'an abortion is the right thing to do'. He's stopped that now that he has and gone off with an old (prettier) friend of his who is also very traditional, but without 'baggage' and who also wants this future. So basically, whether i keep the pregnancy or terminate my partner is now my ex so my dreams are .

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be on my own.
This afternoon i was talking to a mutual friend of ours (who doesn't know i'm pregnant) who i realised was an excellent match for me, i'd never realised before, he is single and interested. Suddenly i was seeing men everywhere where before i'd seen only my partner! My self esteem sky rocketed as i realised there were definitly be other, even more suitable men out there. But if i have this child by my ex, surely, my chance of meeting someone else and having this nice future and children with him are ruined? At least for a few years? For some ladies who don't care about having a man around you might not understand my attitude, but i only feel happy when i have someone to dote on me and vice versa.

I'm over 10 weeks and was told the procedure would be quite painful...this isn't something i want to do or do lightly. It would never have crossed my mind had mr. not-so-right-anymore had not have walked out on me.

I am disliking 2009 already.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 02/01/2009 19:30

not necessarily. Do you want the baby, lots of people live the dream raising other people's biologcal children

OneLieIn · 02/01/2009 19:30

Oh Kleio, sorry for you....

I think you need to think about whether you want this baby or not regardless of the man situation.

BTW, plenty of single mums find love!

oranges · 02/01/2009 19:30

God I have no idea, but just this - forget about men, ALL men, and think about yourself and the baby and what you want. Nothing is guaranteed - you could meet the man of your dreams while pushing a pram, or out at a nightclub, That's not really what's important at the moment - an abortion is not to be taken lightly so really focus on whether that's what you want. And once you decide, be kind to yourself and don't look back.

BCNS · 02/01/2009 19:34

kleio.. I think it comes down to what you want..

You can still have a baby and sort out your career.. you will still find plenty of men who really don't mind there being a LO about.

On the other hand.. it is hard work doing it all by yourself.

IMO I wouldn't base my options on whether you'll get another man.. try and base them on what is right for you.

In your heart you probably already know the answer your looking for.. make a call to marie stopes and have a chat and get some councilling to help make the decision.
good luck

hobbgoblin · 02/01/2009 19:34

Definitely sort out the baby part first. You truly can do it again with a man who is mature and decent and able to accept another man's child so don't worry about that. However, if you need a man so much you will never likely realise your dream. You sound as though you cannot accept a different version of perfection that has somehow seeded itself in your imagination. Happiness is not like this in reality.

Co dependency is a BAD thing.

CoteDAzur · 02/01/2009 19:39

In your place, I would end this pregnancy.

Good luck whatever you decide.

NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 19:43

Goodness me.

I don't think you are ready to have this baby at all.

LoveMyLapTop · 02/01/2009 19:46

I think you already know what you want to do.
Your life, your choice.

Northernlurker · 02/01/2009 19:53

You posts have a very familiar ring to me - have you posted before?

thumbwitch · 02/01/2009 19:56

at 10 weeks you would most likely have a D&C under general anaesthetic. It is unlikely to be that painful but you run the risk of infection, uterine trauma and possible future infertility. Bear all that in mind before you destroy this foetus.

oranges · 02/01/2009 20:10

thumbwitch - that's a bit over dramatic. a d&c has risks, but is not THAT risky at this stage. Lots of women have them, after missed miscarriages and go on to have more children with no complications.

tazmosis · 02/01/2009 20:30

Northernlurker - yes here //www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=674562#13722334

Kleio - what a crap situation, I can't advise you though, this is a decision only you can make.

Please think long and hard though - I have friends who have had abortions and they have found it emotionally/mentally very difficult to deal with for years afterwards.

tazmosis · 02/01/2009 20:32

Try again (not done a link before)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=674562#13722334

sarah293 · 02/01/2009 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RachelG · 02/01/2009 20:52

I had a termination when I was 20. The time wasn't right for, even though I always knew I wanted a family eventually. My view is that at this stage it isn't a baby - it's a collection of cells. I know Pro-Life people disagree with this, but that's my opinion. However, once it's born it is a baby, with feelings and needs, which I simply wasn't ready to meet. I didn't want my first baby to live with compromise, and possibly even be resented if my life choices were limited. That may sound harsh, but I truly believe that children should be offered the best possible start in life, and I didn't feel mentally/emotionally/physically ready to offer that.

I have no regrets at all, never have. I went on the get a career, did all the dating and partying I wanted to. Now, years later, I have a 3 year old, and he is everything to me. I'm happy to make the sacrifices that parenthood involves, without ever feeling that I'm missing out on anything.

That's my experience. And I have to say, from your post you don't sound ready to have a baby. I'm a single parent now (split with ex when DS 3 weeks old), and it's very very difficult to meet new men. Fortunately for me I'm not bothered, but you sound like you certainly are.

Terminations can be done by D&C up to about 12-14 weeks, which involves a general anaesthetic so no pain, and minimal risk to be honest.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2009 20:56

you need to get some counselling to determine what you want, regardless of whether a man's involved or not, because being single and childfree doesn't guarantee happily-ever-after anymore than being a lone parent is a certain sentence of You Will Be Alone without Parole.

sleepycat · 02/01/2009 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2009 21:00

btw, there's no such thing as a 'dream life'. there's just life and how you live it, day by day, man or now.

thumbwitch · 02/01/2009 21:48

sorry, was writing in a bit of a hurry - shouldn't do that . the risks are there but although slight, they shouldn't be ignored in the decision-making process.

JodieO · 02/01/2009 23:19

I'm not going to stay on this thread, don't want to cause any bother, but just had to say to Rachel that at 10 weeks a baby isn't cells, heartbeart starts around 6 weeks, so that's 2 weeks after you miss your period. I've had 4d scans at this stage and they really do look like little babies. Sorry again, I just feel this a lot having had 5 miscarriages and I resent that anyone would think they were "just" cells". They were my babies the second they were conceived.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 02/01/2009 23:25

Call either Marie Stopes or BPAS and get an appointment with a counsellor to talk through your options. You will need to move fast, though - you don't have much time left if you decide to terminate.
But as others have said, never mind about men. Being desperate for a partner is very unhealthy - it means you will put up with crap from unpleasant men just so you can say you're not single, and also, some really bad-news men have some kind of radar for desperate needy women.

You might like to consider, as well, the possibility of continuing the pregnancy and putting the baby up for adoption if you feel you can't cope with parenthood: some women feel that they would prefer that to terminating an unplanned PG.

edam · 02/01/2009 23:28

but that's your feeling about your babies, Jodie. You can't demand that another woman carries on with a pregnancy because you (very sadly) had miscarriages.

Kleio, in your shoes I might well have an abortion. But you need to think quite hard about what having a baby, or not having a baby, would mean to you. What would you regret more in ten years' time?

poshsinglemum · 02/01/2009 23:31

This happened to me. My ex threatened to leave me if I didn't kill his child. I told him to go ahead and now I have a georgeous daughter. Sure it's tough but I don't regret keeping her. I regret the situation but it is getting better and I am moving onwards and upwards. really think how you would feel if you had a termination. Mabe get councelling. I knew I'd hate myself and grieve my baby forever. others think differently.

thumbwitch · 02/01/2009 23:31

ah edam, I don't think that's what JodieO meant - she just didn't like the foetus being described as "just cells", that's all.

poshsinglemum · 02/01/2009 23:37

''kill his child'' is a bit emotive sorry. It really does depend on how you see this pregnancy. To me it was never a ball of cells - she was my baby from the word go but then I'm a lot older and I have been broody for years. Whatever you do - get councelling.