Partner walked out, easier to meet new man + have dream life if i abort his baby?

[kleio]

I found out i'm pregnant; it's a contraception failure. Not sure about abortion and/or trying to get a new life. I'm still quite young; don't have my career established (in process); i wanted to have kids in my 30s and live in the country and give up work to be there for my children, but now it's all gone wrong with this accident. I feel really sorry for the baby-to-be messed up in this, it's growing inside me and i'm ho huming about whether to destroy it.

The man who assured me we he wanted that traditional life with me has left me after telling me i had ruined his life and why didn't i have an abortion and not tell him? He keeps saying 'an abortion is the right thing to do'. He's stopped that now that he has and gone off with an old (prettier) friend of his who is also very traditional, but without 'baggage' and who also wants this future. So basically, whether i keep the pregnancy or terminate my partner is now my ex so my dreams are .

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be on my own.
This afternoon i was talking to a mutual friend of ours (who doesn't know i'm pregnant) who i realised was an excellent match for me, i'd never realised before, he is single and interested. Suddenly i was seeing men everywhere where before i'd seen only my partner! My self esteem sky rocketed as i realised there were definitly be other, even more suitable men out there. But if i have this child by my ex, surely, my chance of meeting someone else and having this nice future and children with him are ruined? At least for a few years? For some ladies who don't care about having a man around you might not understand my attitude, but i only feel happy when i have someone to dote on me and vice versa.

I'm over 10 weeks and was told the procedure would be quite painful...this isn't something i want to do or do lightly. It would never have crossed my mind had mr. not-so-right-anymore had not have walked out on me.

I am disliking 2009 already.

Thank you thumbwitch, that is what I meant.

Councelling is essential as a big decision to live with either way. I have seen it from both sides and it was the right decision for my friends each time but outcomes very different.

I agree that you need to have counselling about this, and quickly. Iirc, you do have an "interview" with the doctor a week or so prior to having the procedure, at which they do some very basic counselling (i.e. tell you the pros and cons, ask if you have really thought about it and all the options, including adoption, plus explaining the potential risks).

In the end, only you know if you can live with the outcome. And you might be surprised at what you can cope with.

Yes, Kleio it is your decision. Only your heart can decide. Lots of varying advice here.

I'm not going to presume to have an opinion one way or the other. What I can do is share my experience.

When DH and I were first together, I got pregnant. After a lot of discussion, we both agreed it was not the right time. I terminated. (Afterwards, I did a little ritual. I invited the soul back if and when there was ever a time for it to come through my body.) We were much more cautious. But, we also "left the door open."

Eight years later, DD (from marriage one) was 16. I thought I was home free. I was (still am) loving life. My career was really happening. Then, DS "came through the door." I knew the moment he was conceived. I told DH when I was sure. He was ecstatic. I was hesitant. (Career, good. DD off to university in 2 years, good. Thriving arts organisation I'd founded, excellent!) But, I knew this was the same soul. So, we let him "come through."

Moved to London. Had a miscarriage and another. (I'm 44, DH is 36.) Got pregnant again. Had such severe pneumonia - and my GP wouldn't treat it properly. Took way to many over the counter drugs - to keep working and mothering. Had to terminate. I didn't believe the physical manifestation of this soul was viable.

No regrets. Each child has been chosen. Each one entered when and where they were supposed to enter.

Every time one didn't make it, I lit a candle. I lit some incense. I spread some fertile seed around the candle. I wrote it a note on parchment about how much I loved it and would do my best to have it back when everything was good. Then I set it afire and put it out at the last moment in some dirt from my yard. I blessed some water. Sprinkled it all around the candle. Said a prayer. Then I gathered up all compostable materials and took it somewhere lovely and buried it.

I've not been looking back over my shoulder. The right choices and the mindfulness with which I have tried to approach them has put me at peace.

"Every choice I have made has been the right choice for that moment with the information I had available to me at the time." Don't know who said that...but it works for me.

(Let the chastisements begin!) But, let us remember the OP is gathering advice and opinion relevant to her situation...not mine.

Thank you all for your wonderful words of advice.

I will just say, i'm not desperate for a man. I just like the company. I tend to rule the roost anyway, but i like having someone to help me out at home, to be there when i get in...to comfort me when i'm upset, what i consider practical companionship. I don't have a close relationship with parents etc so it is the best i've ever had to family, and i've never been attracted to a man with serious issues, who wasn't rather gentle or innocuous by nature, my previous boyfriend is mostly a decent chap, just terrified of responsibility and clearly needs to do a lot of growing up...he clearly isn't ready for children.

I also have experience with children, the good and the bad and like the idea of being a mother.

I don't like the idea of giving birth!
I'm also just not sure the timing is right. I don't really want to be the struggling single mother, it was never my fantasy, i wanted to do it 'right', have two incomes, be able to send my kids to the best schools...etc.

I feel like i have made this situation, by not doubling up on contraception like some of my friends do; i feel like i only have myself to blame.

I've already been to BPAS to discuss options, i booked at termination before christmas; didn't turn up to it, am still thinking about what to do. I wish i could see the future. I once vowed to meet all challenges head on because success or failure will always act to make me stronger; this doesn't help me because i don't know what the greater challenge is and what i will most grow from! The decision itself i know is going to change me and how i live my life, not just how my life is lived, forever, it's a very peculiar thought! I shouldn't stay up so late...i start getting all philosophical. I'm just glad i don't feel too upset about all this at the moment.

As for 'the soul coming through' I don't know whether i believe in souls and spirits or anything, but oddly enough i don't feel alone even when i'm alone sitting here typing, it's definitly a person growing in there...all so strange!

Sounds likes you are beginning to answer your own question, Kleio.

When you are a Mum you are: the one doing most of everything in the home; being there when they get in; comforting when comfort is needed; the friend who is always there but wiser because you are more knowledgable than a "friend;" the protector.

You'll find your way. You can reinvent your fantasy. You can embrace this reality and shape it to your liking. You sound like the kind of woman who thinks things through.

With DD, I had an awesome career. I chose to "take a break" with DS. Don't get to sold on the idea of 2 incomes being the best way. "The Two Income Trap, by Elizabeth Warren is very insightful. (If a bit U.S. focused.) There's a review here www.motherjones.com/news/qa/2004/11/10_400.html

Regardless of your choices. I know you'll take the time to be informed and prepared.

I will out myself as a catholic with strong views on abortion, not to make you feel bad or to try and preach to you but because I want you to know I am biased.

When my marriage broke up I thought like you that my life was over and I was doomed to becoming a tragic eastenders type figure. My dd was 3 months. I thought I would spend my life living on dodgy estates on my own, what man would want dd and I. I actually condidered giving my dd up for adoption ( she was concived in very unpleasant circumstances which added to my reasons for wanting to have her taken away)

I did persevere and I now have a lovely life, I still have my career, have a lovely home, a great partner and life is generally great. Not perfect, perhaps not dream like but my dreams are all daft and involve picket fences and lots of shoes.

It is not impossible for you to keep this baby and have the life you want, you may like me have to take a detour, it may be harder than you would like but it is not impossible.

I do acknowledge that I had a career to go back to after I had dd, and it may be harder for you if you do not have that. I hope I do not offend you when I say that I think you perhaps are not as emotionally mature as I was when I faced being a single parent.

I do not want to force my morals or beliefs on you and I hope you take this as another viewpoint rather than me telling you what you should do.

I hope that whatever you decide it is based on your feelings and not pipedreams about a worthless man or an imaginary perfect life. I will be thinking of you.

kleio - I feel for you. I have been in your situation and tbh I wasn't as mature as you are being about it.

I'mn not sure how much personal experience is helpful - only you can know how you feel,and then you have to work out how you'll feel in the future - which is impossible!

I was very positive I did not want a child in my 20s - but now I look at younger single mums and wonder if it would have been as awful as I imagined. Life does not turn out how you want, regardless of whether you have children or not, and sometimes things can happen because you have children.

What I mean to say is that your life has already changed from the vision you had, and not having the baby will not put everything back 'as it was'. That fantasy has already been destroyed. I wish I'd realised that I couldn't just 'put it right' and had been willing to at least think, like you are, about other ways I could do things in my life.

Just a few comments to add.

OP, you do sound very immature but I think once the baby is born you'll grow up very quickly! (this happened to me - it was a good thing, tough initially but it does get better)

Have you any other support - a mum perhaps who would help you through this?

I would find it hard to terminate a pregnancy at any gestation myself, but after 10 weeks I think it would be much worse as the 'baby' is so much more human by then. (I too booked terminations and cancelled them, but by 10 weeks I knew that was it and I couldn't do it - decision made!)

I don't think the 'perfect life' thing is very sensible, yes a lovely fantasy, but it isn't something you can live by or you'll end up trying to control everything wayyy too much. You kind of have to roll with the punches and make the best of it really.

I think there are plenty of men who want to be with single mothers, or rather don't define them by their single mother status but could quite happily be with you 'despite' there being a child around - you'll need a bit more of a filter to make sure you choose someone who will love your child too, but you have age and time on your side. It gets harder when you are mid thirties with two children!

Good luck. we're here to talk to whatever you decide but I think the fact you didn't go for the abortion before Christmas says a lot about you true feelings.

...and as others have said, terminating this pregnancy won't sudden;y make your life revert to being perfect. It will still have happened. It's abit like getting a nose job or something, as soon as you start messing about with what you've got, you start wanting other bits different as well and before you know it you are that woman on the documentary. (can't remember her name!)

You can't make it perfect and nobody's life is - nobody. Even those who look like they have it all.

Sorry, I missed the bit about your family not being close - that does make it much harder.

Just read ur last post u said u made an appoitment for a termination but didnt turn p does that not tell u something . as u say with a man u want someone to love u be there when u get in comfort u wen ur up set a child can do all that maybe not to the extemem aman can whn i am upset i just look at my daughter n i just be thankful i have her and her brother none of my kids were planned but now i wouldn't be with out them .

And just wanted to say kleio, your ex? - what an arse!

i think in your situation, you need the termination fo ryou r own sanity, peace of mind what ever youwant to call it.
definitly not because it willhelp you meet other men.

I really think you shouldn't have this baby. You haven't said anything that makes me think you want it. It is all about what you want. I think you should spend some time without a man too.

I'm not sure though that a termination at 10 weeks or so would be helpful to peace of mind as such,

I mean it would shift the issue no doubt
But hardly condusive or a magic answer really.

And I want to clarify my comment about immaturity - it wasn't meant in a hurtful way, just that it sounds like you are talking as someone without experience. As I said that does change pretty quick when you have a child. It could be the best thing that happens to you! It certainly sorted me out a bit, I used to think quite selfishly as well, before he was born. It showed me what it was all about iyswim.

We all have a plan I suppose about where our lives ought to go, but having a child young and being alone is not the end of anything good that might happen.

I know a woman who became pregnant at 17, had a child, met her partner at about 24, and went on to have a fantastic career and live a very successful life(style). Anyone would think she planned it all.

I think the key is to chill out and just deal with everything as it comes, not try and control everything, not feel guilty (i mean - doubling up on contraception is a bit extreme, you're supposed to be 98% or something safe with just one method!! Not your fault )

You'll be Ok. And there is always adoption if you really find you can't cope. But i think you'll be fine x

kleio - you sound pretty thoughtful and considered actually. having a baby is scary enough when it's planned and you are supported - i'm not surprised you are scared - of being alone, of birth, of the future, all of it. it's scary, and if you do this, it will be a lot of hard work. the first year will be very difficult, and it will get easier. at the end of the day if you aren't ready for that, don't do it. but if you feel like that's a baby - and your instinct tells you not to terminate - listen to it. i'm pro-choice but i think it would be awful to regret a termination. i'd never advise one way or another - only you know what's best for you - but don't make the decision for anyon else.
I think i said to you before - i have a good friend who is a single mum of a 6yo, she's been single since she was 20 and her daughter was one. she has a blast - and has plenty of sexy men in her life...or if it's domestic bliss you want - another good friend is getting married next month, she has a daughter from a previous rship who calls her fiance dad (because he is her dad basically) you know?

Poetmum - that was beautiful. I felt when my boy was born that it was the same soul that had tried to be born 2 years ago - it's a funny feeling. I remember my GP said at the 6 week check 'here he is at last'! (after 2mcs) and it made sense...

Just to add my two pence worth I don't think abortion should be treated as a choice it should be a last resort in your case it seems to be oh a baby isn't convienient right now.

I got pg at 16 and my dd is nearly 10 I don't regret it, it wasn't great timing, my ex was a total waste of space, it wasn't easy but it was the right path for me who knows if my life would have panned out like this had I messed with the fate given to me.

Having a baby doesn't mean you won't meet men or enjoy your life or have a career you can do whatever you want to do.

I'm not saying having a baby on your own is a perfect choice but life is rarely perfect anyway.

I look back over my life sometimes I compare it to friends and tbh I think I've done more with my life because I've got my dd's, can you honestly say if you abort this child your life will be enriched because having children is the most enriching experience of my life without a doubt.

Troll alert! This poster has already posted the same scenario under several different names over the last month or so. My personal opininion is that it is using your helpful advice for another reason as it doesn't actually appear to have taken any of it. I reported it last time.

I knew it!

Oh bugger,

well never mind, perhaps our opinions might be useful to one of the thousand of lurkers who pass by every day.

I hope so..