I have name changed as this is all very personal stuff, some of you may ?recognise? me from other threads, but please don?t out me!
Not sure what I want or how to feel. DP and I have been together for 8 years, and have been going through a bad patch, I think it started when DS came along (he is now 4).
There are several issues going on/have gone on, and I can?t get my head around things.
He has previously (spring 07) been on a gay cottaging website, saying he was bi-curious, and (early this year) an amateur porn site saying he was bi seeking a guy on which he posted pics of his . When I found out about this he said we didn?t have sex enough, basically blamed it on me, and skirted around the bi issue. I pointed out I was also dissatisfied with certain things (money issues, his awkward ex spoiling Christmases and holidays with access disagreements, lack of household and childcare input), and these things have improved. At the time I said I would give ?us? one last shot, and that I wasn?t sure us loving each other was enough.
We do love each other, and most of the time I feel content, but at the back of my mind are always certain issues niggling away. These include the bi issues, it seems to me this is something he feels compelled to explore but refuses to discuss it and says it was because of our lack of sex life. I was suffering from PND, and also know that I have a double prolapse.
I am also concerned at certain behaviours, I feel my increasing lack of confidence is more due to him than I have previously realised. He does subtle things that are making me feel self conscious or low in confidence. For example, if he is drying the pots he inspects each item whilst giving me a sideways look, implying I need my pot washing skills to be checked ? if I have missed a spot on a pan or plate he tells me, points it out, and gives it back to me to be rewashed. If this were the other way round I would just wipe said item myself and put it away!? He also rarely compliments me, last night we went out and he told me I looked nice ? I realised this was high praise indeed and it made me realise he rarely compliments me, I am more likely to receive a compliment from anyone but him, yet he is often complimenting himself(!). He will also often go off about the house being a tip, or go on a pointed (and imo passive aggressive) cleanup operation. Yesterday it was the kitchen, sometimes it feels like he resents my things being around, or toys about the place? He also seems to think objects and decor should last forever, whereas I am more laid back and realistic.
We both also are in debt, me a lot less than him, but I am annoyed that my catalogue debt includes approx £300 from xmas presents he ordered for my two dss in dec 07! It got to mid dec and he still hadn?t bought them anything so I told him to order from there and pay me back over this year. He has made a one off payment to me of £50 so far. He is terrible with money and imo selfish. I would spend my last pound on ds, his spare cash tends to go on carling.
Last week I found two pornos of dubious porn (some of you may have read that thread ? I had it deleted as it was so personal and raw). I then also found in his work bag, his old phone, and my old phone, DP?s old phone had pics of himself on it. There were two pics I was very shocked at, he was trying things out (alone) he had not mentioned to me. He has always been into taking pics of his , he always has pics of himself on his phone, he seems to be turned on by himself (does that make sense?), as well as porno pictures too. I have let this slide in the past as I have a low (very vanilla) sex drive, and he has a high sex drive (and is apparently very experimental). I now feel what is the point? Will he ever be satisfied with me? Why do I even put myself through trying stuff that holds no appeal to me.
Last night we went out, great night, and then DP pointed out his ex fiancé, and ex best friend, who had been shagging behind his back whilst DP and ex were engaged. DP was insistent that he wanted to talk to ex best friend and have ?closure?, and say kind of a ?ha ha I won the battle? type thing to him. I didn?t get this on many levels, he kept staring across and saying he wanted to speak to him. In the end I got really annoyed and stormed off, he caught up to me and we walked home, DP was upset, but again put the issue at my door, said it was my issue, and that all he wanted was ?to speak to someone? and couldn?t understand why I was so annoyed with him!
I know I have rambled and I?m so sorry, if you have read all this please let me know what you think, and what you suggest. DP is a good dad (most of the time, and particularly now DS is older), we both love ds to bits, and are meant to be going into fostering too! I go from wanting to work through things, to thinking about walking away and feeling relief but sadness at the thought of it. Please give me your honest opinions.