This is a long one sorry- I need some opinions on my relationship . . . .

[OneDS]

I have name changed as this is all very personal stuff, some of you may ?recognise? me from other threads, but please don?t out me!
Not sure what I want or how to feel. DP and I have been together for 8 years, and have been going through a bad patch, I think it started when DS came along (he is now 4).
There are several issues going on/have gone on, and I can?t get my head around things.
He has previously (spring 07) been on a gay cottaging website, saying he was bi-curious, and (early this year) an amateur porn site saying he was bi seeking a guy on which he posted pics of his . When I found out about this he said we didn?t have sex enough, basically blamed it on me, and skirted around the bi issue. I pointed out I was also dissatisfied with certain things (money issues, his awkward ex spoiling Christmases and holidays with access disagreements, lack of household and childcare input), and these things have improved. At the time I said I would give ?us? one last shot, and that I wasn?t sure us loving each other was enough.
We do love each other, and most of the time I feel content, but at the back of my mind are always certain issues niggling away. These include the bi issues, it seems to me this is something he feels compelled to explore but refuses to discuss it and says it was because of our lack of sex life. I was suffering from PND, and also know that I have a double prolapse.
I am also concerned at certain behaviours, I feel my increasing lack of confidence is more due to him than I have previously realised. He does subtle things that are making me feel self conscious or low in confidence. For example, if he is drying the pots he inspects each item whilst giving me a sideways look, implying I need my pot washing skills to be checked ? if I have missed a spot on a pan or plate he tells me, points it out, and gives it back to me to be rewashed. If this were the other way round I would just wipe said item myself and put it away!? He also rarely compliments me, last night we went out and he told me I looked nice ? I realised this was high praise indeed and it made me realise he rarely compliments me, I am more likely to receive a compliment from anyone but him, yet he is often complimenting himself(!). He will also often go off about the house being a tip, or go on a pointed (and imo passive aggressive) cleanup operation. Yesterday it was the kitchen, sometimes it feels like he resents my things being around, or toys about the place? He also seems to think objects and decor should last forever, whereas I am more laid back and realistic.
We both also are in debt, me a lot less than him, but I am annoyed that my catalogue debt includes approx £300 from xmas presents he ordered for my two dss in dec 07! It got to mid dec and he still hadn?t bought them anything so I told him to order from there and pay me back over this year. He has made a one off payment to me of £50 so far. He is terrible with money and imo selfish. I would spend my last pound on ds, his spare cash tends to go on carling.
Last week I found two pornos of dubious porn (some of you may have read that thread ? I had it deleted as it was so personal and raw). I then also found in his work bag, his old phone, and my old phone, DP?s old phone had pics of himself on it. There were two pics I was very shocked at, he was trying things out (alone) he had not mentioned to me. He has always been into taking pics of his , he always has pics of himself on his phone, he seems to be turned on by himself (does that make sense?), as well as porno pictures too. I have let this slide in the past as I have a low (very vanilla) sex drive, and he has a high sex drive (and is apparently very experimental). I now feel what is the point? Will he ever be satisfied with me? Why do I even put myself through trying stuff that holds no appeal to me.
Last night we went out, great night, and then DP pointed out his ex fiancé, and ex best friend, who had been shagging behind his back whilst DP and ex were engaged. DP was insistent that he wanted to talk to ex best friend and have ?closure?, and say kind of a ?ha ha I won the battle? type thing to him. I didn?t get this on many levels, he kept staring across and saying he wanted to speak to him. In the end I got really annoyed and stormed off, he caught up to me and we walked home, DP was upset, but again put the issue at my door, said it was my issue, and that all he wanted was ?to speak to someone? and couldn?t understand why I was so annoyed with him!

I know I have rambled and I?m so sorry, if you have read all this please let me know what you think, and what you suggest. DP is a good dad (most of the time, and particularly now DS is older), we both love ds to bits, and are meant to be going into fostering too! I go from wanting to work through things, to thinking about walking away and feeling relief but sadness at the thought of it. Please give me your honest opinions.

He has gone out with some old work colleagues, I have been wanting to ask you mn'etters your opinion for a while but haven't had the opportunity.

Maybe people won't be surprised.

I think I have decided. Where do I start??

Ok, I know how hard this is.

I would get all my legal/financial stuff in order before I do anything. You need to know where you stand. Is there a CAB near you?

Try and get copies or keep all the documents you need.

You need to see a family law specialist too, although not married they can be helpful, and most do first 1/2 hour free.

Realistically counselling too, altohugh I know about waiting times.

Believe me, he will let it roll along like this forever, and you will feel like you are drowning.

You need to know what you need, not want, in all of this, and be realisitic about the possibilities. I remember all I wanted was the man I thought I married.

I think CAB might be your first port of call WRT what benefits you might get (don't know if you work or not), and the best way to sort out the house and who leaves/stays or whether it should be sold. Get all the information you can before you talk to him so that you have your facts and can't be put off.
He may well be very difficult about it (as it appears to be so vital to his self-image to make the marriage problem your fault and nothing to do with him being gay/bisexual/gender-dysfunctional). From the sound of it, even if you felt you could live with him as non-sexually-involved co-parents with him at liberty to spend a couple of evenings a week mainlining amyl nitrate and dancing to Erasure in some sweaty boys-only nightclub, he would respond to such an offer with shrieks of 'But I'm not gay! It's because you won't do what I want!' Please remember that wall-to-wall blowjobs from Angelina Jolie would not actually satisfy a bloke who is not really heterosexual in the first place ie it's not you.
He is being selfish and cowardly over the whole business, but once you have decide that the relationship has to end you may be able to feel enough pity for him (he must be pretty tortured, really, it must be horrible to spend one's whole time desperately trying to ignore a profound truth about oneself) that once the dust has settled you can become friends.
Best of luck. This is a rotten miserable situation, but if you can stay strong and brave now things will get so much better.

SGSB, you talk sense, again.

Thanks so much everyone. I have just been browsing at houses to let locally. It is so weird to do it - but I need to start imagining life apart from DP. It has been a long time since I lived on my own, it's quite overwhelming to think of managing the move, both logistically and emotionally.

Those last two posts are particularly spot on, very very apt and as tho you know us. It is so reassuring to read them.

What legal/financial stuff do you mean?? We are not married and I would encourage access for ds. House not in my name, so no issues there. I will have a look at CAB, I recall some kind of funding problems in our area but think they are still there.

I am currently working from home as a childminder, but had planned on fostering instead. Wanted to be more family focused and less work orientated as DS needs a lot of my time and he is not getting it ATM.

I wouldn't Childmind if it was just me and DS. Living with DP I need to work FT as I contribute half to the household costs.

I remember your previous threads and I agree entirely with solidgold.

Sorry because what comes next will be hard but you will end up feeling better than you do now once you come out the other side.

Thanks everyone for talking with me tonight you have all really helped.

I am tired and cried out so am gonna go to bed and try and get somesleep.

Ok (if you have gone to bed this will be here in the morning) - you need to sort out how much he will be legally obliged to pay towards DS' upkeep, and what you will be entitled to in the way of housing benefit/tax credits etc. If you are a childminder ie self-employed you will still be entitled to tax credits.

i remember the website thread and thought it would be a matter of time.

sounds like you're both trying to be people you're not... and preventing each other from being who you really should be.

a leap of faith is what's required here- trust yourself to know what's not good for you.

good luck

I can't sleep. Where do I find the strength to do this? DS is fast asleep with his arms around my neck, I feel so .

just try to take things step by step and you'll gather pace... do little things to get yourself organised, make enquiries etc

parents unhappy together aren't good for kids

We probably do seem happy, we are both plodding along going 'la la la' ignoring the truth, I am sad to say it but I don't think we can ever make each other totally happy. We are close (or I think/thought we were), maybe we are just gaining some small comfort from being with each other.

I feel like I will be plunging myself into icy water by leaving. Does that make sense? Im sorry I am rambling now

icy water better than co-existing with closet gay man

don't you think you deserve better?

I don't know TBH.
I just feel so low.

I was thinking the other day though, looking in the mirror, I want to feel desirable, and adored, and happy. I'm 26, I don't want to get to 40 and then have him come out of the closet he might never admit it tho!

I don't know whether to have a talk with him, or try to get things in order first in case it all goes pear shaped when he realises I mean it about leaving.

jesus- you're very young.

I dont feel young! I have been through too many wringers.

OneDS, take it from me, a 40 year old, you're young! You have your whole life in front of you, you don't want to spend the rest of it like this, do you?
Most hetero men don't surf for gay porn, even if they were missing frequent sex, why not surf for regular porn? There is no way you can be blamed for that!
And yes, you deserve to feel desired, adored and happy. But you won't get it from him.

thanks you are right.

okay going to try and sleep again now.

I was not implying 40 was old BTW, (!) my point was I don't want to waste even more of my life with someone when I could be missing a chance for real happiness.

You know in your heart what you have to do, if not for you and your partner, but for your ds. Your ds is to fragile to have to cope with his parents being so unhappy.

How are you this morning?

Tired

My sister is now up to speed too. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of moving, and getting sorted but I know it's what I have to do. I fell asleep crying and woke up crying.

You will feel so much better once you have a plan and everything is in motion.

Ask yourself, 'do I still want to be writing posts like your op, in five years time?"

Then pluck up your courage, and go for it.

Btw, before you start, photocopy EVERYTHING, just incase it all turns nasty - I know you are not married, but you have contributed to half costs and he may try to squirm out of adequately supporting his son. You never know.

See a lawyer for a freebie half hour. Contact the cab. Tell your friends. Then talk to him once you have support and you know your facts.

Best wishes

Hi TC thanks for responding, I feel like I need all the support I can get.

I would be happy to walk away from the house, it has always felt more like his even though we moved in here together and I work from home!

As for maintenance I'm not sure, wehave had a real rollercoaster with csa in the past, a major battle involving deputy PM when we almost lost our house, then found to be paying too much, not paid for x amount of time, then csa back in contact saying he owed arrears. They are bloody useless. I think I will sort that out when I have actually moved. One thing at a time.

So what should I photocopy? It will be hard for me to do anything at the moment as he is off work until next week. My sis has said she will pick me up some leaflets and stuff. I am going to get dressed and if DP still not up will go off out to town and pop into CAB.