This is a long one sorry- I need some opinions on my relationship . . . .

[OneDS]

I have name changed as this is all very personal stuff, some of you may ?recognise? me from other threads, but please don?t out me!
Not sure what I want or how to feel. DP and I have been together for 8 years, and have been going through a bad patch, I think it started when DS came along (he is now 4).
There are several issues going on/have gone on, and I can?t get my head around things.
He has previously (spring 07) been on a gay cottaging website, saying he was bi-curious, and (early this year) an amateur porn site saying he was bi seeking a guy on which he posted pics of his . When I found out about this he said we didn?t have sex enough, basically blamed it on me, and skirted around the bi issue. I pointed out I was also dissatisfied with certain things (money issues, his awkward ex spoiling Christmases and holidays with access disagreements, lack of household and childcare input), and these things have improved. At the time I said I would give ?us? one last shot, and that I wasn?t sure us loving each other was enough.
We do love each other, and most of the time I feel content, but at the back of my mind are always certain issues niggling away. These include the bi issues, it seems to me this is something he feels compelled to explore but refuses to discuss it and says it was because of our lack of sex life. I was suffering from PND, and also know that I have a double prolapse.
I am also concerned at certain behaviours, I feel my increasing lack of confidence is more due to him than I have previously realised. He does subtle things that are making me feel self conscious or low in confidence. For example, if he is drying the pots he inspects each item whilst giving me a sideways look, implying I need my pot washing skills to be checked ? if I have missed a spot on a pan or plate he tells me, points it out, and gives it back to me to be rewashed. If this were the other way round I would just wipe said item myself and put it away!? He also rarely compliments me, last night we went out and he told me I looked nice ? I realised this was high praise indeed and it made me realise he rarely compliments me, I am more likely to receive a compliment from anyone but him, yet he is often complimenting himself(!). He will also often go off about the house being a tip, or go on a pointed (and imo passive aggressive) cleanup operation. Yesterday it was the kitchen, sometimes it feels like he resents my things being around, or toys about the place? He also seems to think objects and decor should last forever, whereas I am more laid back and realistic.
We both also are in debt, me a lot less than him, but I am annoyed that my catalogue debt includes approx £300 from xmas presents he ordered for my two dss in dec 07! It got to mid dec and he still hadn?t bought them anything so I told him to order from there and pay me back over this year. He has made a one off payment to me of £50 so far. He is terrible with money and imo selfish. I would spend my last pound on ds, his spare cash tends to go on carling.
Last week I found two pornos of dubious porn (some of you may have read that thread ? I had it deleted as it was so personal and raw). I then also found in his work bag, his old phone, and my old phone, DP?s old phone had pics of himself on it. There were two pics I was very shocked at, he was trying things out (alone) he had not mentioned to me. He has always been into taking pics of his , he always has pics of himself on his phone, he seems to be turned on by himself (does that make sense?), as well as porno pictures too. I have let this slide in the past as I have a low (very vanilla) sex drive, and he has a high sex drive (and is apparently very experimental). I now feel what is the point? Will he ever be satisfied with me? Why do I even put myself through trying stuff that holds no appeal to me.
Last night we went out, great night, and then DP pointed out his ex fiancé, and ex best friend, who had been shagging behind his back whilst DP and ex were engaged. DP was insistent that he wanted to talk to ex best friend and have ?closure?, and say kind of a ?ha ha I won the battle? type thing to him. I didn?t get this on many levels, he kept staring across and saying he wanted to speak to him. In the end I got really annoyed and stormed off, he caught up to me and we walked home, DP was upset, but again put the issue at my door, said it was my issue, and that all he wanted was ?to speak to someone? and couldn?t understand why I was so annoyed with him!

I know I have rambled and I?m so sorry, if you have read all this please let me know what you think, and what you suggest. DP is a good dad (most of the time, and particularly now DS is older), we both love ds to bits, and are meant to be going into fostering too! I go from wanting to work through things, to thinking about walking away and feeling relief but sadness at the thought of it. Please give me your honest opinions.

Photocopy all bills - water, gas etc, his bank accounts, any joint accounts, records of what you have paid/he has paid re:house: also joint debts.

I would also be inclined to have evidence of his shenanigans, not to blackmail him with, but just in case he tries to go for sole custody or whatever, later.

You do need to see a lawyer asap.
I remember your posts from ages ago. I think you are amazing sticking it out this long, tbh.

I am so glad you told your sister, she sounds great.
I think really you need to have a copy of anything financial, bank statements, rental agreements, that sort of thing.
Just take it a step at a time, you can do this. You need to do this, for yourself and your DS.
I never had children when I went through this, but I do now and can imagine what you feel like for him. But once you are settled you will feel better, and that has to be better for him, right?

I don't want you to think I am ignoring these supportive posts, have sneaked a peek but DP is about so I can't post but will be on in the morning hopefully.

My step father married my mum when his late wife was only 3 months dead. He was catholic and had 4 children.
For 25 years he hid behide the fact he was gay. Barely had sex with my mum. Working away at sea was his escape, and he had someone to look after his kids.
For the last 15 years of their marraige he didn't go near her. So from the age of 33 to 48 she did not have sex!!!

Since divorced after finding out he had been cottaging and accessing gay sites. She is angry with the fact that he wasted HER life when she could have been with someone else.

The fact that he treats you like shit. Getting angry about the place being untidy and goes on an aggressive rampage trying to tidy up. Sounds like my hubby but i tell him to get real!!! Remind him we have a 22 month old and that's what happens.

I will give you my honest opinion, but the final decision lies wih you.
He isn't a nice man any more. Makes you nervous and feel unworthy. You are lovely, honest and obviously attractive looking chick. Do you want to be feeling the same by the time you are 60. worrying about whether he is upset with you yet again! Wondering where he is all of the time?
My opinion is get him out! you can have any man you want. So you deserve to be happy. DS will be fine. My parents split up when I was 4 and don't feel bitter either way. You take the car and drive with freedoma nd confidence. How dare he!!

GO out there girl and grab that life!!! have fun and be spoilt by a man that loves you. xxxxxx Oh and a toe curly sex session with a loving bloke (whe you feel like it) is another thing tio look forward to. (cheeky giggle).

I have to say I agree with blondemum's mum. I was angry at the waste of 6 years of my life. I think the dishonesty infuriated me.

But I have something better now.

Right well joint debts - ironically is our bed which we had to buy on credit and is currently being paid from our joint account each month.

I think I would suggest he keep the bed and pay that off, and I would pay off the catalogue debt of his that's on my catalogue.

Would I get any help starting up a house on my own?? I need to think what I bought in the house and whether I would take stuff with me.

I am off out to meet my sister today for lunch, later we have my BIL (DP's bro) and his GF round for a meal and drinks for new year's eve. This will be hard as I am close to BIL and he is more likely to notice something is on my mind than DP is as we are very similar characters.

I just need to get things sorted in my head before we talk.

well done for making a choice. I promise that 6 months from now you will be a new woman. The hardest part is yet to come which is actually leaving him.
Just rent somewhere small for now don't go mad. Just you and DS will be together so take what you need from the house. Legally hie will be required to keep you accustomed to the life you are used to.
He will also have to pay you maintanence. Don'y go through CSA, if yu can help it. Go through the courts. (ie a solicitor). If he fails to pay you can take him straight to court. if you go through CSA there isn';t a great deal they can do except write to him and let him pay arrears a pound a week!!.
Or you can stay in the house and ask him to leave. It depends on what you can afford. If youy ask him to leave he might still have to pay towards keeping you in the house.
I know all this as I have been to a brief myself and sought advice on getting my man out!!.

Either way, just enjoy tonight and look forward to getting him out of your hair.
xxxxx

"Legally he will be required to keep you accustomed to the life you are used to."

Ha ha that's quite funny as I'm currently working full time, skint, unhappy, and have very little quality time for DS. I am actually going o be better off in a lot of ways, and money will be no more tight than it is for me now (very BTW).

Last night was crap - BIL knew immediately something was on my mind, and DP said I seemed sad. Blamed it on doing ds's DLA form.

THANK YOU for the support everyone, I really need it. I know we are done, but I keep trying to talk myself out of going, it's going to be so hard. I have to give my clients four weeks notice, and figuring out how to time everything is giving me a headache!

I know this is tough.
I hope you sort this out with your clients.
But this is a new start for you. It can only get better.
Take your time, get all your facts and info then act.

Thanks it's helpful to know I am not the only person on the world who has gone through something like this, I appreciate you sharing what you went through, it's really helped. Makes it easier to say 'it's not me' - does that make sense?

2009. Is going to have a tough start for me but hopefully I will be stronger and happier at the end of it. I can't do another year in this situation.

I really can't add anything but you know you and your child deserve better than this.

I think you are at the point I was really. It just took one final thing to push me over the edge.
To this day I am sure he probabably blames me, when (if ever) he thinks about it. It makes it easier than looking at himself.
Good luck!

oneDS - i think you know what you need to do now.
i don't think your DP will ever be right for you & no-one could explain his sexual habits as hetrosexual - you need a man who cares about you - loves you & makes you feel like the most important person in the world. I know it's harsh but i think he is using you as a cover story and because he doesn't want to be alone.
i know it must be really scary for you right now BUT i think that when you do actually leave you will feel a huge sense of relief.

goodluck with whatever you decide to do xxx

Thanks Vi x

I keep swaying from knowing it's the right thing to do, and that I need to do it, to having moment of doubt and fear about leaving - I am trying to chase these away by keeping busy and organised. I am listing things on ebay, and have almost finished DS's DLA (disability living allowance) form too (thank god - it's sould destroying to fill out).

Thanks Tclanger - been doing DLA form for last two days and feel so down.

It's good to read these posts from people, DP gone out so going to write down what is definately mine in the house and what is definately his.

My main worry is finding a house close to DS' school - I don't drive so needs to be pretty close, and there's not much choice. Aargh.

One step at a time.

DLA forms are the most soul destroying thing to fill in especially when your going thorugh something like this, DLA will help id your ds is awarded it though as any benifits you get cannot be judged on your DLA, My DS's DLA has got us through some tight financial spots before.

I hope things work out for you OneDS, i know you don't feel it right now but you sound like a sensible, stron lady and you will get through this and be better for it.

Thanks everyone

Last night I found a house I like the look of, low rent, really close to the school! I am now stressing that it goes before I can get the deposit together. Is that how private rents work? I can't remember! Anyway I have emailed agent and will call them Monday to arrange to view it.

Getting my mooney sorted is making my head spin, going to go to jobcentre plus and see a lone parent advisor I think.

DLA would be a little extra for me and DS which we could do with so if I can at least get the form posted off I can then get on with something else!

Fingers x for tomorrow for the house and the Job Centre. I hope it goes ok!

good luck with the house.

Thanks

Think I need to have the talk with DP tomorrow, what am I going to say?

He is sat all marny tonight as he has no beer and we are 'stuck in'. Feel like I am being fake at the moment too keeping him in the dark, gulp.