This is a long one sorry- I need some opinions on my relationship . . . .

[OneDS]

I have name changed as this is all very personal stuff, some of you may ?recognise? me from other threads, but please don?t out me!
Not sure what I want or how to feel. DP and I have been together for 8 years, and have been going through a bad patch, I think it started when DS came along (he is now 4).
There are several issues going on/have gone on, and I can?t get my head around things.
He has previously (spring 07) been on a gay cottaging website, saying he was bi-curious, and (early this year) an amateur porn site saying he was bi seeking a guy on which he posted pics of his . When I found out about this he said we didn?t have sex enough, basically blamed it on me, and skirted around the bi issue. I pointed out I was also dissatisfied with certain things (money issues, his awkward ex spoiling Christmases and holidays with access disagreements, lack of household and childcare input), and these things have improved. At the time I said I would give ?us? one last shot, and that I wasn?t sure us loving each other was enough.
We do love each other, and most of the time I feel content, but at the back of my mind are always certain issues niggling away. These include the bi issues, it seems to me this is something he feels compelled to explore but refuses to discuss it and says it was because of our lack of sex life. I was suffering from PND, and also know that I have a double prolapse.
I am also concerned at certain behaviours, I feel my increasing lack of confidence is more due to him than I have previously realised. He does subtle things that are making me feel self conscious or low in confidence. For example, if he is drying the pots he inspects each item whilst giving me a sideways look, implying I need my pot washing skills to be checked ? if I have missed a spot on a pan or plate he tells me, points it out, and gives it back to me to be rewashed. If this were the other way round I would just wipe said item myself and put it away!? He also rarely compliments me, last night we went out and he told me I looked nice ? I realised this was high praise indeed and it made me realise he rarely compliments me, I am more likely to receive a compliment from anyone but him, yet he is often complimenting himself(!). He will also often go off about the house being a tip, or go on a pointed (and imo passive aggressive) cleanup operation. Yesterday it was the kitchen, sometimes it feels like he resents my things being around, or toys about the place? He also seems to think objects and decor should last forever, whereas I am more laid back and realistic.
We both also are in debt, me a lot less than him, but I am annoyed that my catalogue debt includes approx £300 from xmas presents he ordered for my two dss in dec 07! It got to mid dec and he still hadn?t bought them anything so I told him to order from there and pay me back over this year. He has made a one off payment to me of £50 so far. He is terrible with money and imo selfish. I would spend my last pound on ds, his spare cash tends to go on carling.
Last week I found two pornos of dubious porn (some of you may have read that thread ? I had it deleted as it was so personal and raw). I then also found in his work bag, his old phone, and my old phone, DP?s old phone had pics of himself on it. There were two pics I was very shocked at, he was trying things out (alone) he had not mentioned to me. He has always been into taking pics of his , he always has pics of himself on his phone, he seems to be turned on by himself (does that make sense?), as well as porno pictures too. I have let this slide in the past as I have a low (very vanilla) sex drive, and he has a high sex drive (and is apparently very experimental). I now feel what is the point? Will he ever be satisfied with me? Why do I even put myself through trying stuff that holds no appeal to me.
Last night we went out, great night, and then DP pointed out his ex fiancé, and ex best friend, who had been shagging behind his back whilst DP and ex were engaged. DP was insistent that he wanted to talk to ex best friend and have ?closure?, and say kind of a ?ha ha I won the battle? type thing to him. I didn?t get this on many levels, he kept staring across and saying he wanted to speak to him. In the end I got really annoyed and stormed off, he caught up to me and we walked home, DP was upset, but again put the issue at my door, said it was my issue, and that all he wanted was ?to speak to someone? and couldn?t understand why I was so annoyed with him!

I know I have rambled and I?m so sorry, if you have read all this please let me know what you think, and what you suggest. DP is a good dad (most of the time, and particularly now DS is older), we both love ds to bits, and are meant to be going into fostering too! I go from wanting to work through things, to thinking about walking away and feeling relief but sadness at the thought of it. Please give me your honest opinions.

hope it goes ok for you when you have your talk - maybe it's best to get everything in place before you say anything?

Do you think I should wait until I have been to find out about benefits?

I want to be able to have a clear conscience in terms of not leaving him in the lurch financially, ds and his two big brothers class this house as home and he will not be able to afford it without getting in a lodger or something.

Aargh I don't know what to do for best!

If he did throw me out (unlikey as he will probably go into self preservation mode and think of his bills) I could go to my mums in desperation.

I would try to hang on til you have things in place, but if you can't keep going and think he will be take it ok, then do what you have to

oneDS - i don't know your OH but from what you've said about him i feel you would be better to wait till everything is clear in your mind and you know exactly where you stand legally and financially - i know it's hard not to discuss things with him as you obviously love him and don't want to deceive him BUT think about yourself and your son first - your OH (IMO) would put himself first and hide things from you - i think if you tell him your plans before you can act on them he will make things difficult - i expect he will sulk and pout and then you will be living under a cloud and in bad atmosphere.
sounds to me like you have been a saint to put up with him so long.

Yes I don't think he will lash or anything like that but may sulk, pout, slam stuff about, or make me feel guilty.

Hmm, don't know what to do now.

Was up at 4am with my wisdom teeth. Had two taken out of one side of my mouth about 7 years ago, and they said other side wouldn't come through as at an angle so would leave them in. Well they seem to be trying! One has cut one hasn't and think they are impacted. F*ing killing me I am taking nurofen and paracetomol, oragel, alternated with bonjela. Can't afford the dentist.

Is anyone around?

I haven't talked to DP yet, I can't face it. He has gone off to his night shift with his usual level of enthusiasm. He hates night shifts and spends the entire week doing sweet FA at home except sulking, muttering and swearing under his breath, frying greasy fry ups, etc.

I have just printed out my notice letters to give to my childminding families, and I am so sad. They have the 4 week notice period on them, don't know if they will want to use it or not,

I feel in limbo and it's hoorible.
I need wine and chocolate and I don't have either {sob}, and work again tomorrow after 2 weeks off.

you poor thing. It must be hard to think straight if you're in physical as well as emotional pain. I know from experience that impacted wisdom teeth are v painful, is there no way you can get them sorted? I was lucky that I was only young and my parents had medical insurance so had them all whipped out at the same time.

No - I really cannot afford a dental bill. Ironically if I were already a single parent I wouldn't haven't to worry about paying fo the dentist.

I am hoping I can bear the pain until I am getting IS.

I just want to burst into tears but if I do I don't think I will stop.

You poor thing.How unfair. I hope you have better days ahead xx

Thanks I am cuddled up in bed with ds and he has just declared his love for me. I am so emotional right now I could explode!

I am so scared of making this leap into the unknown.

awww bless your ds - little boys are such sweethearts - mind you mine threatened me with a (plastic) screwdriver when i tried to take the christmas decs in the playrooom down this afternon!

hope your tooth pain dies down soon, my wisdom teeth seem to hurt in fits and starts.

How are things today? Did you give notice?

dont ignore it hun, youre worth soo much more than that XXXXXXXXXXX

Hi everyone I am the OP, wrote everything down for him, that we weren't happy and I needed to leave, and somehow changed my mind when we talked it through

He didn't beg me to stay, his concerns were for himself (will lose the house, I had a vasectomy for you, more csa to pay, I fail at everything I do, selling my car that I don't use but he relies on).

Why did I stay? We are just floating along, we are like friends, rather than a couple, I feel so empty. He would stay like this forever, I know it. The other night I dreamt he had an affiar and all I felt was relief.

The day before I spoke to him I gave all my clients 4 weeks notice! I kept my afternoon family of two children on only, which means a pay cut of half, but more time for ds (and my sanity) as I was doing too much.

oh dear SammyK sounds like her knows exactly how to manipulate you. i know it's hard for you BUT you are young and you deserve to be happy and he is not making you happy.

. Do you feel you stayed because you feel sorry for him, or because you aren't ready to leave? Get counselling for yourself, you need support.

Maybe a bit of bothTotalChaos

I think you are right Vi, afterwards I was thinking 'what just happened? why have I changed my mind?'.

Oh dear, this man is manipulating you horribly. Why on earth did you change your mind?
If I were you I would read this thread through from the beginning, to remind yourself of what you originally intended before he clouded your thoughts with his blackmail tactics...
Stay strong.

Agree with the counseling - it will at least give you some support and help you decide one way or another. It almost doesn't seem like manipulation, I am sure he WILL miss those things but hardly worth staying in a relationship for! I mean, what about you? What do you get out of this?

Actually re-reading.. the snip and the csa issue does seem like manipulation.

How can I find counselling? Don't think i could afford it anyway or fit it in.

He is not evil, I do care about him. But sooo unhappy and pretending Im not is making it work. He thinks we can be happy. That's what made me doubt myself and agree to give it another go.

I once spent months arsing around over a particular man, simply because he was so convinced we were meant to be and it would all be fine that I almost believed him. Kept chnaging my mind though because it felt wrong. But the sheer force of his wanting things to be great was kind of impressive. I began to think, well maybe he's right and my gut instinct is wrong, maybe we are soulmates.

He now frankly admits that we were wrong for each other and he can see that now. That we can never be together. So it's just as well I didn't go along with things simply because he was so convincing.

I think you can get referred to counselling via your GP, or some counsellors offer concessions. Sounds like you really need to work up the strength to leave but you can't manage it and keep getting sucked down again. It was the same for me, and I have to admit he made my life hell when I finally walked away. Isn't that a good indication that you should leave though? Their reaction when you say its over is very telling about who they are.
We are on speaking terms now but its taken years (he lives in the U.S) and he still has no idea I have a partner and son - 'doesn't want to know' about these things as it would 'send him into a downward spiral from which he doubts he would ever recover' .

Seriously, I know emotional blackmail when I see it, and it really seems like that is what's happening to you. I hope so much that you get strength from somewhere - counselling, supportive friends, MN, whatever. Just don't get sucked in again

Thanks it's hard isn't it, I'm not confident to begin with (I used to be), and yes he seems to convince me somehow.

I think if I go down GP route I will have a long wait, and my GP may want me to go back on ADS which I don't want to do as I just feel numb on them.
I will look into counselling though, as I am just so lost ATM.

I was imagining either via GP or Relate. If you are near a Surestart centre you might be able to get someone to talk to via them.

If not manipulative, he does sound utterly self-centred - wanting to stay because it's better for him financially, rather than looking at why you are unhappy.

I haven't read the whole thread but some bits of your op strike a chord with me as I felt the same with my exh

"I have a low (very vanilla) sex drive, and he has a high sex drive (and is apparently very experimental). I now feel what is the point? Will he ever be satisfied with me? Why do I even put myself through trying stuff that holds no appeal to me"

and

" DP makes it clear in the car that he has no faith in my driving skills, which makes me so anxious I stall ? I was doing really well with my lessons, and just needed to fine tune my manouvers and that would have been that. DP is now driving my car and running it into the ground, as he can?t afford to sort his out and he needs a car for work. I feel he has discouraged my driving progress as it is in his interests to do so. "

These are just examples of a type of behaviour which in my opinion gets worse. You end up as someone else said tiptoeing around and holding back your own self if that makes any sense and as well as in the pot example eventually erodes your own self esteem and you end up just not likeing that person anymore.

I have learnt and realised through counselling that in my own case it ended up constituting disturbing and abusive behaviour.

I think my advice to you is listen to your instinct and if your instinct tells you you can't cope with it don't feel guilty about making what may seem unhappy decisions but will preserve you and your son in the end.

Sorry if I sound vague but don't want to tell you what to do.