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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to keep busy

129 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 29/12/2008 17:20

Maybe I am being unrealistic at how soon I will feel better.

Will be alone tomorrow.

Tears not far away.

Just want kids in bed so can relax with DH.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 04/01/2009 11:53

oh togaparty- have you no understanding at all of what it is like to have lost someone you loved and to wonder if you might be together again?
Obviously not. Lucky you is all I can say.

nkf · 04/01/2009 15:36

She didn't lose him though did she? They split up. And wondering what might have been, unless you are going to turn it into a novel, has always been a pointless thing to do.

lou031205 · 04/01/2009 15:48

NAB, you can't possibly be in love with the OM. He is not the same person. Look at yourself now. Are you the same person as 15 years ago? You have grown, changed, matured, some bits for the better, no doubt some for the worse. Your experiences have moulded your view on life.

You love the idea of the love you had when you were young. You love the man you remember him being.

You are not being silly, but harsh as togaparty's words are, they have a ring of truth.

Have you ever heard the fable about the dog who is carrying his bone across a bridge? He looks in the water and sees a much bigger, tastier meatier bone. He tries hard to reach it and strains and strains. Every time he moves it gets away. Eventually, he drops his bone into the water to give him a better chance of reaching the better bone. Only to see that it has disappeared. It was only a reflection. The dog lost his real, perfectly tasty lovely bone because he chased one that looked better.

Be careful, because the more I read, the more like that story your situation sounds

honestfriend · 04/01/2009 16:32

lou- we are agreeing on some things- but I can say without any doubt that the man I met at 16 is BETTER now at 50+ than he was then,- kinder, more thoughtful, etc etc, and if we were not married to other people, I would love him all over again. We have had anough contact over the years to get to know each other again....

NAB does not necessarily have to be in love with an illusion.

I feel desperately sorry for her, but unless she is willing to change her life and he is too, then she has to let go.

I am not for oneminute encouraging her to go for it- but as 1:3 or 1:4 marriages break up- and many because of another person, they would not be the 1st or the last ones to do this, if that is what they both want. It's not up to us to judge or tell her what to d- but I think it is a waste of energy pining for something that cannot be- unless of course, they both want it.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 04/01/2009 17:01

We didn't really split up. Things happened, other people got involved, I thought I could live without him, etc etc.

He won't leave his wife. I asked him if he would if I left my DH. He said no. She is going through some stuff atm and he is not the type to break his wedding vows.

I don't expect for a minute I will hear from him tomorrow.

The whole point of MN imo is that you can talk about things you can't discuss in real life. I am going through a really hard time atm, other stuff as well as this, and with no one to talk too I need mumsnet.

I know what I have. It doesn't stop me feeling pain for something else. It doesn't make me a silly person. No one can possibly understand exactly what this man meant to me. The first person ever to care and that includes family.

I love him. But I am the one who will suffer as he will leave me alone, I will fix my marriage and I will live my life with my heart breaking some more each day.

It scares the life out of me that I will never get over this.

OP posts:
IllegallyBrunette · 04/01/2009 17:06

If he contacted you again and said he'd leave his wife and be with you what would you do ??

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 04/01/2009 17:08

panic tbh

I can't believe how I have changed about certain things. Marriage was for life. My vows were everything and I would never want my children to come from a broken home. I read on here how often marriages break up, affairs happen, people move on, and it scares me to think I got myself in the position of thinking I could do it. I think the practical side scares me more than anything tbh.

I know he won't leave her though. I also know I won't hear from him tomorrow and if I do it will be to say stop emailing and I will.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 04/01/2009 17:09

NAB- I do know how you feel but you have a CHOICE- you can wallow in self-pity and say you will never get over him, OR you can choose to put it behind you, painful as that process is.

No one is making you unhappy- just your own emotion,. Take control.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 04/01/2009 17:11

Part of me doesn't want to get over him as he was the love of my life but that was okay as I was very happy in my marriage and hadn't heard from him in years. I think I feel this will be my last chance and I don't know what to do about it.

I have lots of things I want to do and if I can just get past this and get on with them I will be fine.

I have a really difficult day on Tuesday and Wednesday and I should be preparing for that really but what it is will be incredibly hard and I am terrified.

I want him as a friend and my marriage back to how it was but I know I have to choose.

OP posts:
IllegallyBrunette · 04/01/2009 17:13

I think you really do have to make a desicion and stick to it tbh, but that means pretend he never existed.

If you don't do that then this will drag you down forever, and what good will that do ? The om will have carried on with his life and you will have stopped yours, for what ? The chance that one day maybe he will want to be with you. Just think of all the happy times you could miss with you dh whilst you wait for that to happen.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 04/01/2009 17:15

Maybe I am focussing too much on tomorrow but I honestly feel I will stop if he doesn't reply/tells me too. If nothing I have said changes his mind then I know where I am.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 04/01/2009 17:20

will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 04/01/2009 17:49

Thank you.

OP posts:
lou031205 · 04/01/2009 20:35

NAB, all of the other stuff aside, it really strikes a chord with me that you are saying that he was the first person ever to care about you. Do you think that it would help if you were to get some counselling over the past. For him to be able to be the first person to care about you means (and I am sure you know) that you have a lot of stuff to deal with from your childhood.

Perhaps that would help you to separate the two things, then you could let go a little because he wouldn't be so central to your (happy) existence?

I will also be thinking of you tomorrow. Do let us know how you get on?

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 05/01/2009 08:06

Feel teary. Was shaking earlier on. Nothing yet but too early for him to be in work really.

OP posts:
IdrisTheDragon · 05/01/2009 08:23

Thinking of you NAB. I don't have the same situation, but do know a little bit of the pain of wanting to be friends with someone where there is some history behind it, and knowing it can't happen and feeling about it.

lou031205 · 05/01/2009 08:32

Oh NAB, you poor woman. Can you try and keep busy, and at least limit yourself to set times you can check your email? Maybe 9.30, 1.30 & 5.30?

NorkyButNice · 05/01/2009 08:47

Have been following your threads and feeling very sorry for your situation. Can empathise with having such strong feelings for an ex and trying to be friends when actually you still love them.

Have to say though, whatever happens with OM, your DH deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him and only him, as we all do. You need to work out what you want and be honest if it's not him, or you could both end up stuck in a miserable marriage for life which isn't fair on either of you.

snoringnightmare · 05/01/2009 08:52

Oh Nab

Not sure what to say really. What sort of response are you looking for to your email? A positive one puts you right back at the start and a negative one sends you plunging further into despair.

Have a hug. I don't care how un-MN it is.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 05/01/2009 09:58

nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 05/01/2009 09:59

what if i never get over him?

OP posts:
NorkyButNice · 05/01/2009 10:06

You'll have to get over him if he never returns any of your calls, texts or emails.

Do you want to get over him? If so then you need to take the huge step of deleting every text and mail you've exchanged with him, and then delete his number from your phone.

Do it right now.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 05/01/2009 10:23

I really thought I would be fine if there was no emails today. Turns out I am not. I just don't know what I am going to do for the rest of my life and I can't life like this. I don't want to live like this.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/01/2009 10:30

NAB you really do have to stop emailing and texting him
It isn't fair. He has said no and that is an end to it
You need to get something to take your mind off it.
How would your dh feel if he knew what you were up to? Think about the reality of losing him, splitting up your family etc for something that is just not there. It isn't worth it

Sorry you are having such a shite time

CountessDracula · 05/01/2009 10:33

(i mean really think about it - think about saying to your dcs "Daddy isn't going to live with us any more". Think about how they will feel, how they will blame themselves, how their lives will be irrevocably changed. I know, I have been through it. My Father did this to us. And he regrets it bitterly. He was after something from the past that just didn't exist any more. He told dh it is the BIGGEST regret of his life not long ago. Please please think about what it really means to those around you and how you will hurt them. Then put your feelings aside for their sake and get back to your life. Or leave if you are unhappy with dh, but not like this. Not for someone else.)