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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to keep busy

129 replies

NAB3lovelychildren · 29/12/2008 17:20

Maybe I am being unrealistic at how soon I will feel better.

Will be alone tomorrow.

Tears not far away.

Just want kids in bed so can relax with DH.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 01/01/2009 22:07

NAB- I know you are suffering- try to be strong and not contact him- unless you are prepared to end your marriage, and start all over, then you have to let him go- as he is not willing to be "just friends".

There is nothing wrong in changing your mind, and deciding you DO want him, but it sounds as if you both know that will never happen- so try to stop torturing yourself.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 07:15

Iwas awake early this morning thinking off all the things I wnated to say to him. I am sure I will be better once Monday is over.

OP posts:
Fizzfiend · 02/01/2009 10:52

NAB I know you are in a different situation to me, but I am also constantly obsessing about OM. It's never going to end happily, but I just can't give him up and practically every waking minute is spent thinking about him. I woke up last night and he was the first thing that popped into my head - it's driving me slightly insane. I can't eat - have lost half a stone since starting this thing 3 months ago - I suppose that's a good thing!

But I can't go on like this and I know I have to get busier. I can't read a book, after 2 lines I think of him. I need a job where I am forced to think of other things. I am going to get some part-time work really soon. In the meantime, I am deep cleaning my house which gets rid of him for a while - shame I can't deep clean my head!

I tell you all this, mainly to say that I feel your torment. It is so difficult to live with. It feels like real life is so boring and mundane and that you will never get into it again, but you will. You have started a new year. In a few days you will have made a whole week, then it will become a month. And like mourning, it will get easier but only with time. Accept that you will feel like this, but that it get better. It really does help to pour out thoughts on MN though - please continue - there will always be someone there to listen.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 11:49

Before all this happened I would occasionally think of him and feel wistful about what could have been. I thought I always cared more than he did about me. This time we have spoken, we feel the saem though we know we can't be together and while it is getting easier and I have stopped the crying, I do spend too long thinking about what I have emailed him and not understanding how he can not reply. Next week I will be fine. .

Things feel different with DH but not in a negative way.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 11:49

FF - when did you last see your OM?

OP posts:
honestfriend · 02/01/2009 20:59

Hi NAB how are you doing?
Just to say I was thinking of you- hope you are okay today.
It will get better- hang on in there.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 21:53

I think I may have emailed him this morning

I couldn't sleep and there were things I wanted to tell him but not really anything to make him change his mind.

I feel heaps better. Still wistful at what might have been but pleased the crying has stopped.

Need to keep really busy on Monday as that really is my cut off date if he doesn't reply.

Actually have a really difficult week next week and thinking about it makes me feel I would want to talk to him about it as a friend.

I know I couldn't have had an affair but I miss the friendship. I think before I didn't get how much he felt for me so I would flirt like mad and snog him all the time to show him how great I was. Now I know what he felt and feels for me I wouldn't have needed anything physical.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 02/01/2009 22:15

How long is it since you saw him and snogged- do you mean 20 yrs back or recently?

I don't really understand your last sentence?

It is possible that you could email him and say youwanted to get things off your chest- but that you DO NOT want a reply!

I do wish he could be friends. My friendship with my ex is bitter sweet- and we decided not to see each other much as it just unsettles us both and we know we cannot be together- but we do still manage the odd phone call etc and talk as close friends.

I hope you feel better!

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 08:08

No, it is 15 years since we last saw each other.

For certain reasons I felt like all I had going for me was my body and now that I know he still feels the saem all these years later, and we haven't seen each other never mind done anything, I know he loves me for me and not my body.

On my mind a lot again but I know it is just because Monday is coming.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 03/01/2009 09:07

Ih he DOES respond to your emails, what will you do?

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 09:14

I am 99% certain he won't reply and if he does it will probably be to tell me to stop messaging him. I have pretty much let it go, I am just feeling as it is one more hurdle to get over. If he tells me to leave it, I will. I know I can't be with him as I can't leave my husband but I woul dhave been friends and stopped with the flrting.

OP posts:
Eve34 · 03/01/2009 09:41

I have followed thisand my heart goes out toyou. I have and am in the same situation. My first love popped back into my life this summer. I have dreamed about him for many years and as I was at a low thought this was our chance, but has time has gone on, what I have is farmore precious to me and I have slowly let go.

I still wishful for what we had, but do feel that life was simplier then and wish for easier times as well as care free love :-)

my OM wants to talk, I know it will be to knock all contact on the head, which is for the best, but he is my best friend and I will miss him.

You are doing the right thing. hang on in there x

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 03/01/2009 09:59

It's just not possible to be friends with someone when one of you wants sex. Sorry, but it isn;t: resentments creep in on both sides and poison the whole situation.

The only way you can ever go back to friendship is years down the line, when the thought of snogging the other person is simulataneoulsy as amusing and horrifying as the thought of snogging your brother/elderly uncle.

I am sorry for all of you who are going through these obsessions: have had my share of them in the past (mine were always men who simply didn't fancy me, or who really didn't want more than a one-night-stand but quite liked the idea of keeping women dangling hopefully...).
It does get better, slowly and steadily, but while it's going on you need to stop contact.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 10:05

I would have agreed with you, solidgold, as that was how things were back when we were together 15-21 years. But now he has come back in to my life I would keep it has friendship as I want him in my life. It takes two to have sex, he can't have it without me agreeing. I also feel he isn't entirely happy and I can be there for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 10:05

All pointeless really unless he answers my emails.

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 03/01/2009 10:56

Nab, you can't. You want love. He wants sex. Neither of you can stay friends without constantly sighing at each other and going 'If only things were different'. This is an awful vicious circle to stay in, you will just go on and on getting more and more miserable and you will start to hate both each other and your existing partners.
Stop emailing this man. You really have to stop. It looks like he's moved on already, and the last thing you want is the indignity of a restraining order.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 11:58

LOL but it really won't come to that. I know come Monday it is over. I just want to get past that. I haven't fully got over him in 15 years of no contact so it isn't going to happen overnight when we have spoken.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 12:00

It isn't quite like that that I want love and he wants sex, much more to it than that but really it is irrelevant as we are still back to where we were. Neither of us could leave and/or be together.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 03/01/2009 13:26

solidgold- you always think you have all the answers!

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 13:30

Please don't hate me - have emailed to ask if he is okay. I texted him earlier to ask if he wanted to be free.

I am really worried about him from a purely friend point of view. He deserves to be happy and while I understand exactly why he is staying in his marriage, I do believe sometimes it is better to leave. (and not into my arms)

OP posts:
lou031205 · 03/01/2009 13:54

"I am really worried about him from a purely friend point of view. He deserves to be happy and while I understand exactly why he is staying in his marriage, I do believe sometimes it is better to leave. (and not into my arms) "

NAB, you are in so deep that you can't see how much you are lying to yourself.

You don't have a single part of you that van say "purely as a friend". It is a lie. I'm not saying that you are wilfully lying. I believe you believe it. But it is a lie.

This is a carcrash waiting to happen. But you CAN put the brake on.

You are confusing him, confusing you, and doing neither of you an ounce of good.

You cannot be friends. You can't. There is no way. You have to decide whether you are going to be faithful to your husband or unfaithful. There is no half-way cake and eat it option of 'friendship'.

Original poster
NAB3lovelychildren · 03/01/2009 14:02

Thank you. But you are wrong.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 03/01/2009 14:13

NAB
I understand 100% where you are coming from on this, I really do- but stop and think.

How would you feel if he tells you- possibly very bluntly- to stop the texting and emailing?

Whether you see it or not, you are giving out mixed signals to him- I don't think men do this "I am concerned about you as a friend" thing quite as much as you think- he will just think you are chasing him, and your contact under the guise of "I care about you" is a bit transparent.

That's not to say that you don't care about him-you do- but his marriage is his concern, and it is not your place to rub his nose in its shortcomings, as it doeslook as if you are offering yourself as an option. If that is what you want, go for it- but just be honest and do what is right for you.

lou031205 · 03/01/2009 14:15

Honestfriend, for once I think we agree

honestfriend · 03/01/2009 14:24

Hurrah!
I think that NAB should do what she wants- that's laways been my policy on MNs- but I am pointing out what might happen which might make her more sad!

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