I need to keep busy

[NAB3lovelychildren]

Maybe I am being unrealistic at how soon I will feel better.

Will be alone tomorrow.

Tears not far away.

Just want kids in bed so can relax with DH.

I have made it quite clear that I will not leave my marriage or have an affair but I guess he might think I still want an emotional affair as I have messaged him, but I have been telling him stuff that aren't related to us now and have merely been asking if he is okay.

I guess a lot of it is trying to get everything out of my system and telling him some stuff, before I completely let it go on Monday.

I don't think I am kidding myself. I have said all along I would be with him if I was free but I am not and I can't be.

I have loved him for 20 years, hard to give up after 2 weeks when I never thought I would ever have any contact. All I am trying to do is get it out of my system. DH is fine. I am sure OM is. Only me that is really.

If he told me to stop I would be hurt but I would do it. It isn't really his style though. He will just not reply.

One thing I might have missed- who contacted whom this time round- him, or you? And why? How did it happen?

If you want to get it out of your system, write a letter but don't send it- or draft an email but don't press send- or phone a friend and let it all out.

I know this is sooo hard for you- but the longer you manage not to make contact, the easier it will be- it will be a day, then two days, then a week and you will feel better.

NAB- not replying is HIS way of telling you to stop.

It just so happened he got my message I had sent first but he had been looking for me for a while and thinking about me for years. Googling, trying to find me.

I gave him my email and he emailed back.

He asked me for my phone number and gave me dates when he would be free.

I have until Monday and then I will stop.

Actually he told me to stop texting him and then he texted/emailed/phoned me.

NAB- if you really do care for him, stop emailing- how do you think it will make him feel when he reads them? Will he feel happy or less happy? What memories of you will he be left with? In 6 months or a year's time, how will you feel about all these emails you have sent this week? If you have anything left tosay to him- I don't know what that might be- just do it then leave it.

If you have sent him several text and emails with no reply, then he doesn't want further contact with you but is trying to hint (rather than telling you outright). Unless he's already told you to stop contacting him. If he has, then if you don't stop, it's likely that something utterly humiliating will happen. Such as his wife ringing you up and telling you rudely to leave him alone or even a solicitor's letter. (Legally, more than two incidents of 'unwanted contact' are enough for a solicitor to write a letter demanding you cease and desist, any further contact from you to the person who wants you to leave him/her alone will be a police matter).

Oh, for goodness sake. I have sent a couple of messages as I didn't remember every thing at that one time.

He doesn't check his work emails when he isn't there and I sent are you okay? to his personal one. Hardly stalking.

It is kind of ironic that I was happy before this and he wasn't, and now I guess he is concentrating on his wife and I am unhappy.

NAB, I may have missed this within the threads in general, but what is significant about Monday? Is it the email that you sent to his work?

I really hope that you can move past this. It would be horrible to waste your life stuck in turmoil.

You do know that we are all trying to help you and not judging you, don't you? I would hate to think that we are being critical of you. Just can see things a bit objectively.

I know you are trying to help me lovie. I find it hard to explain what this man meant to me when I was 15 onwards and what it means to have spoken to him now. Also, I have got past the wanting an affair thing and feel really he feels we can't be friends.

Monday is when he is back at work and will get the 2 emails I sent. One was apologising for the stress I gave him when I texted over Xmas and the other was just telling him how I felt, that I would always be here as a friend for him and that I hoped to see him some day.

Deep down I know it probably won't happen.

in my next life I am coming back as a cat.

I am starting to see why past relationships didn't work and wonder if it is just a coincidence I married the guy I was with once I thought OM was married. Don't get me wrong, DH is the best man in the world and I can't see many men sticking by me through all the stuff we have been through and the hard year ahead I know we have coming (I'm not much a catch) but it makes me feel that I even questioned whether I would have married DH.

I always used to say that if I could choose between the two of them (this was before OM and me were in touch) I would choose DH as OM always let me down and broke my heart but OMG I never knew he cared as much as he did!

not much to tell you, except, as you know I have been lurking and my heart goes out to you. no help at all, I know.

Believe me, it does help. Thank you.

Oh love, hugs to you.

Just watched Mamma Mia!

I feel scared

I can't talk to my husband about what is on my mind and all I want to do is cry

But Nab, if he let you down, how can you know he cared? I honestly think it sounds as if this man represents something to you. He himself doesn't sound like much of a catch. Good luck.

I can see how I thought he had let me down but with the advantage of hindsight he didn't really. He was just being a normal teenager.

I know there is nothing to be had with him.

I am scared things will never be the same with DH.

On my wedding day I figured I must be over OM and now I am thinking I never was and never will be.

he represents so much to me. more than just a boyfriend.

I so thought I had cried all the tears I had too and now I just want to curl up in a ball and sob my heart out

nab- you must be honest with yourself- and he too.

If you really want to be with this other man, and he with you, it will not be the end of the world for you DH or your kids- or his DW- these things happen.

I am not encouraging you to leave -please note- or start an affair- but if this has really shaken you up, then you need to be honest, with yourself, your DH and your OM.

As Ihave said all along, it is possible tolove 2 people- but you can live only with one. If that is to be your DH then you have to bury this in the past and leave it.

Maybe it would help to try to focus on what he seems to offer you that your DH doesn't-as thre is a danger you are in love with a fantasy figure rather than the man himself.

You cannot share this with your DH- it would be too selfish- if you are pining and grieving, at least do it alone- you cannot inflict thison your DH unless you mean to end your marriage- you have to work it out alone. I am talking as one who has been through this!

Life is short- listen to your heart- it seems you are pulled in two by your head and your heart.

Iknow thismight not be the right question BUT- if you had to choose to spend the rest of your life with only one of them, whowould it be? Forget the fall out from divorce- just who would it be? Go with your first gut reaction- that's your answer.

If it is the OM then I think you need to consider if you want to stay in your marriage, irrepective of whether the OM is willing to leave his.

I do not want to sound harsh- but I have compromised when I should have had the guts to follow my heart and it is not a nice place to be in.

"I know this might not be the right question BUT- if you had to choose to spend the rest of your life with only one of them, whowould it be? Forget the fall out from divorce- just who would it be? Go with your first gut reaction- that's your answer."

oh crap it was the om

Having watched mamma mia! last night and feeling like every song had meaning, I hid in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. DH and I have barely talked except to acknowledge we are not friends at the moment. Have to go to ILs soon and have Xmas again.

I dreamt about OM last night. He sent me a letter saying why we couldn't be together now but when we could.

I know he won't leave his wife and child (I said I thought he would bring him with him) so there isn't any chance of that.

I don't know how I feel about the OM. I realise I cna't really love him as he isn't the same as 15 years ago but we have always had a connection. I always used to think we met too young. I knew it would always be him. It always comes back to if only I hadn't been told he was married. But he is, and I am, and this is all shit.

I feel like I am a waste of space who just makes everyone unhappy.

I get through certain things and then the next thing comes along.

NAB- you are not a waste of space-stop putting yourself down.
You only have to listen tot he Lost Loves bit of the Steve Wright show on Sundays radio 2, to discover there are alot of people out there pining for their 1st loves after 20 or 30 yrs!!!

You need to decide what you want and if it is possible. If the OM will notleave his family- which is really how it should be ,unless he is really unhappy- then you have to accept that.

Yo uhave to make a conscious decision tostop hankering over this if it is not going to happen.

If you feel that you could leave your DH for the OM, then you should tell the OM, but if you really don't want that, then you have to face the truth and stop day dreaming.

What happened to me was this- I needed my OM to make very strong overtures for me- that was the least I expected if I was to break up my marriage- he didn't. So I stayed. We have talked since and he said that he didn't want to encourage me to leave my husband and be the cause of a family break up. I thought he just didn't want me enough, so I did n't leave my DH. he said if I had left, he would have left his wife- they have since divorced. He kept away from me for years tosave my family unit. I didn't know that and it was not what I wcare enough. It was ahuge misunderstanding.

Do not do the same. it is too late for him and me- he is now married for the 3rd time. We missed our chance.

If you really want this man and he wants you, then you will do what is needed.

Just be honest with each other.

yes you do need to keep busy

keep busy remembering you have a DH and DC's in your life already

the OM is busy ignoring you and getting on with his life - as he should be

wake up to what you have before it disappears in front of your eyes

you should hope and pray your DH doesn't come to his senses before you do

you silly woman